Starring: Christian Slater
And here...we...go
We're on the MOON! A Moonbase to be exact. With a crew of four people. I know this because a graphic just popped up and told me. Also it's Day 187 of a One Year Mission. Someone thinks they're witty.
So, a Mineral Exploration Camp on the Moon. Day Murder Death Kill.
"Alert. Incoming storm. Alert." So, a model of a moonbase has little rocks thrown at it, breaking stuff. Christian Slater seems nonplused.
"It's a rogue meteor shower!" How does that...what? Christian Slater yells at some guy over Future Skype. A woman at a monitor shouts that something is wrong because she's very up with the situation.
Communication Dies. At it to the body count. A drill gets hit. So, a malfunction things pops up and an "Emergency Alert" goes off about five minutes to late. So, we wake up a couple of side characters. One of which is lazy and doesn't want to get up.
Christian Slater calls for an evacuation. Not sure if it gets through.
Oxygen troubles. Levels 1 thru 3 are down. Thermal control is hurt. Christian Slater has them turn off the alarm since they should know.
A meteor hits and a wind machine throws debris at the cast. Title screen.
Shake-y name. Sad they didn't use the box art title font.
The woman is no longer at the monitor. Crawls a bit til a jump scare grabs her. Some random dude. I need names for these people. He can't breathe so let's call him Weezy. She gives him an air breather thing.
The others grab one, too. A crew cut guy named Klauss hits Oxygen back-up so they won't have to wear these helmets all movie long. Good job.
"A meteor ripped a hole through the roof of haul three." You'd think they'd make those things steardier on the moon. Wheezy is still too Wheezy so the female character volunteers to do his emergency job. You suck, Wheezy.
She dons a breather. Slater warns her to suit up upon door opening. Wind Machine starts Wind Machine-ing her. She hits some fire with a non-future fire extinguisher. All the suits are destroyed...but one.
And it's burned...but she don't care. Stuff need done.
"No heroics. If it looks bad, abort." Easy for a man to say.
So, she goes out in a damaged suit to fix something I'm not 100% sure on. The Airlock failed on door three, but that's okay. Two other doors. Get to work, lady.
Slow motion walking with weird noises to build drama. Heavy breathing. Little light. Kind of like they're going for an Alien feel. I'm okay with that.
The bay is holding. Carbon Monoxide is off the charts. Whoop Whoop.
"There's been serious impact." Well...yeah.
Bay 4 is probably damaged. They decide to shut down an infiltration system. Again, not 100% what she's supposed to be doing. A meteor is embedded in the filter. "I'll try and lever it out." with a good old fashioned non-future steel pipe. Sets off a spout of steam into her covered face. Like when people used to run those big hamster balls over spots in American Gladiators.
She finds...something...but it's damaged.
"We're close to catastrophic collapse." Uh-oh?
She grabs the meteor. More steam to cover up stuff so we can't see. Bay Four then proceeds to collapse/explode.
She's still in there, so Christian Slater goes all Christian Slater. Grabs a mask and runs off to help/save. Wheezy follows, able to breathe just fine now.
She's trapped under something. They untrap her. She brought the meteor. "It has some sort of spore on it." THEN WHY DO YOU WANT IT?!
Slater compliments her. Then we get a scene of her showering. She seems exhausted.
"95% of the power is down." Well, bummer. It'll take 92 hours to ascend. 72 hours to arrive. 164 hours. Slightly under a week.
The doctor says that the amount of CO will most likely make their lose their minds. Well, in smart person words. Hallucinations. Eventual death. Tells everyone to be on the watch for others acting odd.
There are just Four People here. Kind of wish we'd even had a fifth just to kill off during that "It's so dangerous!" spot. "Spore? That sounds like foreign contagion!"
Slater tells them to shove the spore thing away because survival comes first. You know, that makes sense. "Scientists" he scoffs as they grumpily leave.
Cut to Klauss inspecting the Spore cause he sucks at listening. Yep. Find some. Petri dishes it. Shoves the rest in a container to act like he was doing what he was told. Spore looks like it's growing.
Main Girl shuts down the drill to save power. Then goes to check on Spore. "You got it contained?" "Yeah."
The stuff now looks like yucky oatmeal with an egg broke in it. She immediately cuts herself on something. I mean, seriously.
Her blood is left on the glass. That'll come back obviously.
Christian Slater tries to use Future Skype but it's updating or something. He repeats a message. Gets no reply. Meanwhile, female scientist Main Girl wipes off her own blood. With her bare hands. She's a DAGGONE SCIENTIST!
Stuff looks like pancake batter slathered in mustard. Apparently this stuff coulse "evolve." She starts showing signs of sickness. Leaves. Gets sick in the hall. Blurry visioned. Pains. Collapses. Obviously the rest of the movie will be a CO induced nightmare.
Klauss and Wheezy check on her. Give her water. She's apparently pregnant. Christian Slater walks in and just about loses his daggone mind. Grabs Wheezy to explain what's going on to him. We stick with Klauss talking her down. "massively accelerated pregnancy" thanks Klauss.
Outside, Slater is yelling at Wheezy. She notices. Klauss tells her to rest. And then leaves. "You're safe here." You suck at lying, Klauss.
Slater wants to Quarantine because he's not stupid. "Six months pregnant in 24 hours" is dropped. Slater isn't showing favortism. I seriously don't blame him.
Cut to Main Girl waking up and having a baby crawl out of her. Yeah. You read that. He comforts it...and it's a dream. Since she's having a nightmare, Klauss tries to rush in. Surprise, Christian Slater done blocked your attempts to kill the other three by being stupid.
Slater eventually lets him in. Wheezy follows. They think "This is a type of cyst." Yes, perhaps a cancer that replicates pregnancy. Well. That sounds dumb. Slater should just lock them all in there and go eat some snack bars while waiting.
Okay, I think this delivery may be real this time. She's off the table. We hear some crunching effects. She passes out...and continues screaming.
Klauss and Wheezy arrive first, then Slater who is instantly shouting not to touch the woman who is bleeding weird goo out of her.
"What happened?" she asks, while somehow still being alive. Slater wants to leave. Shouts the word "Quarantine" again. I think he's losing some of his power. Slater just locks the doctor in with her, dragging out Wheezy. "She's infected!" "This is how you repay her?" What a stupid rebuttal. Wheezy flips off Slater who is pretty much the only likable person in this entire daggone movie.
Wheezy goes his room. Opens a fancy book light that is supposed to be a future recorder. Thinks he is getting some Carbon Monoxide poision while also worried about the weird good. "Heating has been off for seven hours." Wheezy's name is Bruce Johns. I will continue to call him Wheezy.
So, in the Quarantine Room. Baby be sucking. Then has a predator mouth. Kind of freaks out the mama. A decent reaction. However, Slater does the stupid thing and rushes in to help. Dude what are you doing?
She throws him around with weird power and the other two appear from script. Weird Baby stares at Wheezy. Bites his leg. Then escapes. You all suck, now. Daggone it, Slater.
"There's nothing in here." And now Slater is turning into a dumb character. Daggone it! They claim his weird baby vision was Carbon Monoxide. "I'm locking this room down." STOP DOING THAT!
She describes what happened. Klauss says it's fake. Wheezy and Main Girl are now partners in weird baby belief. We watch her breath for a little then cut back to Wheezy now walking around. Does this room ever actually get locked down? We see a door that has been broken into.
Klauss checks Wheezy. That quibble over glass vs baby bite. Banter useless banter. Wheezy slug-a-chugs some alcohol. That should help your whole "Believe me!" thing. We get a locker cam with little trill noises. Like a reverse game of Amensia, Wheezy looks around. Then looks in a mirror. Oh no. He looks in the mirror. Looks at his hands. They're getting bubbled. He looks at the mirror and HE'S ALL PUSS FACED! But it's a fake out. Locker cam watches on.
Cut to a Robot. Toy sized. Running. Wheezy seems confused. Opens a closet. Nothing there. Slater is demanding someone actually work on fixing something. Wheezy does so. Moves stuff around. Screens say mostly bad reports. Model stuff moves. Weird baby chills in the background. Wheezy works around steam, which seems dumb. Pops pills. That should help. Mixes alcohol. You're the best.
Tiny baby fingers. Playing peek-a-boo. Solar Panels at 25%. Guess that's...something? Slater is working, is told the attena is broke. Doctor is worried. "Guess it's just you and me, then." "For now." Yeah, you suck, too, Doc Klauss.
Wheezy hallucinates or stuff. Robot appears again. Baby becoming non-baby. Short circuits the robot. So, we have adult creey baby that looks like Wheezy. It garbles. We get a full frontal shot. Wheezy wheezes in his room. He then starts whimpering. Grabs his liqour. Will we please just finish off this character? "I am not going insane!" he repeats while banging his head on the wall. You know, sane stuff.
He knocks out the light, allowing for him to turn on a flashlight and see AlienWheezy. Cut to Klauss wlaking in, but Wheezy is alone and sniffling. "I want you to sweat the alcohol out of your system." See, you're Otis in Space.
He takes a break from jogging on a future treadmill (it looks like a regular one) to get a drink of water. Turns around to see AlienWheezy doing some running. "You should be scared" music plays as I laugh.
Cut to Slater. He's watching the Main Girl Sees...something? He "knew it" though. Goes to her. "I need to see your finger." Yep. She got cut. Touched the spore. "Why didn't you report this?" "Oh yeah, you know all the rules," Yeah. He does. She talks rather dumb. She sees AlienWheezy. "You're suffering from contagion" and he locks her down for like the 8th time. Sadly, AlienWheezy cracks him in the back. Klauss finds him.
Medical Bay. "It would appear the chain of command has broken down." Also, we're back to Alien Locker Vision. Cause, hide and seek, y'all.
Klauss lets Main Girl go. Wheezy is wandering about. Robot be robot-ing. "I know you're in here." He looks at his leg. It's all warted up with space whatever. "What is happening to me?" I think you know, dude. So, Wheezy goes to commit suicide, but can't do it. With a knife at least. It's easier to chomp some pills and swing some alcohol.
Slater goes back Main Girl, finds her out and about. "I'm not going to hurt you. It's company rules." I still say Slater isn't all that bad. She stabs him. He tranqs her. Klauss appears and helps him out of the room. He locks it down for like the 9th time.
Wheezy wakes up. "Whatta you want?" Looks in the mirror. Looks nasty. Breaks mirror. AlienWheezy finds a broken shard of glass.
Elsewhere, Slater is stitched up. Klauss holds up the tranq "You got an answer for this?" "She threatened me," so he went to sedate him. "She cut her finger on a test tube with the spores...she's infected." Slater was given strong antibiotics that make him weak. I worry.
Klauss looks at her finger. "Why would you hide that." We are really retreading information to fill time. She tells him he's making a mistake. "Ask Bruce."
Cut to bloody glass shard. AlienWheezy did a number on ActualWheezy. Took his clothes. Finally takes his necklace. Klauss starts banging on the door, then overrides it. Finds dead Wheezy. Contaminates the scene by covering the body. The book reader recorder is on. So, let's listen to that.
Oh, it's hologrammed. "Whatever came out of Ava...is here. I can see it. The ****ing thing is stalking me. It's studying me. It's driving me ****ing crazy." Great last words, Wheezy.
Cut to Slater, AlienWheezy comes in and goes for the kill. He counters and grabs some sort of gun looking thing. It disappears. "Whatever you think you saw, think again," Oh hai, trailer line.
Oh, it's not a locker. It's an air shaft. How...Alien. They go to Main Girl Ava. "I'm sensing what it's doing." We get an information dump. It's useless. They let her go. Slater sends a recording/update.
Meanwhile, AlienWheezy cuts off the oxygen. "He knows where the escape pod is!" So, Slater stays behind to try and override the stuff while the other two go out to find AlienWheezy.
Alien cut the line to something...So they fix it. Thrilling stuff. "It knows we're trying to kill it." It can sense her, so she runs off.
Directly to it. It punches her in the gut. She opens an airlock door. Slater gets Ava while Klauss goes to shut the door. Stuff breaks down. Slow motion. Yelling. Slater grabs Ava's hand. Klauss overrides.
AlienWheezy is still on board and locks Klauss in the room. He tries to crack the door. They hit buttons while a voice counts down. Klauss gives up rather fast and just stares at Ava. Then...kind of explodes from pressure. Bummer, brother.
Slater decides to go check Wheezy's room for clues. They find dead Wheezy. I AM NOT INSANE wrote in a notebook. When did you have time to do that? She gives Wheezy his necklace back. Hologram recorder.
"This thing grew in Ava. I-I couldn't reveal to the crew that I was infected with it...it's cloning itself into me...Maybe as it's evolved into a human form, it'll be easier to kill. Maybe Carbon Monoxide...Leave in the escape pod."
"How long to prep the pod." "Too long." Great. Then they decide to sacrifice the station. I get the feeling, it may have AlienWheezy who left that message. Could be wrong.
Anyway, they go prep the escape pod they've had the entire time. So, they prep. She diverts the fuel lines. They bring up how little light they have to see with. Slater almost shoots her in the face. AlienWheezy starts breathing Carbon Monoxide. Slater tells her to go to the pod. She doesn't want to split up.
Slater seems to be setting up a heroic sacrifice. He works on getting the pod ready to launch. "Launch Sequence Initiated."Ava doesn't answer him. He throws on a breather and heads out to find her. Launch in three minutes. They're at 80 Percent.
AlienWheezy is near. Seems grumpy. "Gerard, it's here" Holy crap, Christian Slater's name in this movie is Gerard?!
So, fight scene between Slater and AlienWheezy. Ava gets smacked with a pipe. Slater gets thrown about. He puts the oxygen thing on Ava. It goes into the pod and they realize they have to stop it. So they run into a fog room sharing oxygen. 30 seconds til launch. They get to a room, shut the door. Gets to the main desk. Slater goes to shut off the pod. Countdown, again.
Three, Two, One, Launch. It takes off...for Earth. DUN DUN DUNNN. So, they're out of oxygen. "Units dead." "Emergency Tanks." Seventeen minutes of oxygen remains.
Cut to a ship landing. Is it real? Slater tries to contact them. Distorted voices. Ships keeps landing. Shuttle beacon. "It's landing!" "Think they'll make it?"
"Can you hold your breath for three and a half minutes and run?" They flip a coin. Heads means wait...it lands on head. Screw that. They go. We don't see how that ends.
Meanwhile, on Earth, pollution. Oh, and a crashed escape pod. A military vehicles rides up to it with Commander Skype Call from earlier. Other officers. "Doors must've opened on impact."
"No one came out of here. We'd see tracks." "Get this pod under tracks." They start to seal off the area. Meanwhile, like 30 feet to the left, an alien is changing. Hey, Slater and Ava made it.
"Whatever comes out of that pod, kill it!"
Cut to Alien, now looking...plain alien. It roars at the camera. Okay, then.
The end.
2 out of 5: Well. Abrupt ending. I made the mistake of thinking the film would end up being like John Carpenter's "The Thing" in space. In all, it was a dull run time filler at best.
