Midnight Mass

MIND-TO-MOUTH: Midnight Mass

This is the only poster I could find, so it wins by default. Yay. So, here’s something new just because I can:

The Backstory:

I enjoy the works of F. Paul Wilson. Short, novel, or series, his stories can catch my ever darting attention and hold it at bay until the very last word. Then it sprints off to ramble about Robert Z’dar and somehow use him to spring into a conversation about Kentucky Fried Chicken.

You may be able to guess that my bringing him up (F. Paul, Not Z’dar) isn’t just a random factoid to fill space (not that I wouldn’t be above doing so) as the movie for today Midnight Mass is actually adapted from one of his novels. When the book came out in 2005, I was the first to grab it from my local library and flip through it.

In a time when vampires were being made tragic by the likes of Anne Rice, F. Paul had made them scary again. So, when I heard the movie had actually been made (a couple years back), I was excited. In a time when vampires were being made tragic…or perhaps able to sparkle…Midnight Mass could make them scary again.

Now, the backstory, as I remember from the novel (Darkened in case you just want to read the movie without knowing things that may come later):

Vampires in Eastern Europe kept themselves in the shadows. However, when the Iron Curtain fell they were quick to pounce on political, business, and religious figures, converting them into vampires. The next step was cutting humans off by shutting down power and communication. Betrayal came next. Some humans were promised vampire status to act as watchers in the daylight hours in an indentured servant kind of way.

Down went Western Europe, Asia, and Africa and next up was a little known place called America. The saying is that if it isn’t broke; don’t fix it, so they used the same tactics and gained ground quickly. However, there was a resistance and it was led by Father Joe. He and parish members joined forces make the church a place of sanctuary. He, a commando nun and his lesbian niece formed a plan that would give hope to the rest of humanity that vampires can be eradicated from the earth.

Now, I won’t spoil the book…just the movie. I’m not sure if they’d modify things or not, but going into this I will stand by an endorsement for the book. To say I’m hopeful when I hit “play” would be quite an understatement.

The Movie:

And here we go…

It’s a Lionsgate film. How…interesting…I think. Banshee Productions.

We open with static and a fake news report. Or I should say news reports as we jump from channel to channel to hear different stories about a virus that is “sweeping through” Europe, Asia, and Africa. Interviews with “experts” are shown. This is a very cheesy cliché to use, but I guess it gets the “confusion” point across.

Someone is pushing the idea of vampires and being called an idiot. The man, a doctor of some sort, tries his best to explain himself by giving a good point that the infected “explode in sunlight.” No response is shown…so I guess he wins this round.

One reporter is being shown more than others. I don’t like him. Just sharing.

We get random pictures of plagues and dead bodies. Public domain, most likely. Then a sad looking man says that the virus has “reached the east and west coast.” Then a rebel breaks through the satellite to warn that the “virus” story is a government cover-up of vampires. Again, this is between static and broken looking film to show “realism.”

“Barricade yourself. Stay off the streets at nights. Crosses. Sunlight. Destroying the heart” With a stake, right? No? Just destroy the heart?

And there is the title card “Midnight Mass” in a design that probably took 15 seconds in Microsoft Word…if it took 10 seconds for the program to load.

Shots of abandoned cities. A sad girl sits on the beach smoking. It’s daytime. Then we’re driving, passing by homes. Empty, I assume. A couple of them are damaged, although I don’t know why a vampire would destroy an awning.

Punk looking people cruise in their car listening to some sort foreboding song. In the back, a guy pulls a syringe of his blood and shares it with his gal. How sweet. The punks stop and get out. All are pale and dressed in black. The words Punk or Goth may be used a lot. You have been warned. They spot the smoker from earlier and begin walking.

A blonde is walking with groceries of some sort. She sees them and hides, which allows us to see she has a cross tattooed on her head. The Goth Patrol slow walks up to Smoker.

They confront her. We get some exposition. “Don’t you know who we are?” “You’re their watch dogs.” Exposition!

A lesser lackey says that the girl isn’t much of an offer. The main lackey (if there can ever be such a thing) probes his acting ability to ask “Are you questioning me?” the lesser lackey obviously backs down. I notice he has a tattoo tear…it may soon be joined with a real one.

Pale with dark clothes. Obviously they’re vegans. Right?

Grocery girl drops an apple by accident and the main lackey rushes over and grabs her. He’s joined by Tear Lackey and his gal. This allows the smoker to subdue the remaining lackey (I shall call him Steve) by spraying him in the face. She makes a break for it as Gal Lackey says, not shouts, but calmly says “Get her.” I sense an accent…but have no clue what it is supposed to be.

Smoker hurdles off a pier to the sand and then doubles back underneath. Hide and seek time. Tear Lackey looks for approximately two seconds before shouting “I don’t see her!” He’s told to not worry about it. They leave with the blonde after loading her into the trunk as she begs for help. “Open your mouth again and I’ll ****ing piss in it.” Main Lackey must miss the internet.

Smoker takes the groceries left behind…as well as a bicycle (where did that come from?!) and heads off. We cut to night. Smoker is cycling along and reaches her location. She creeps up to a house and looks in. She has tracked down the Lackeys and the blonde.

Blonde is tied to a table and stripped. I don’t know how the shirt came off over the ropes…but whatever. We’re shown other lackeys. They act deviant because they’re evil…and miss the internet. A brunette gets wax poured on her as she squirms. A quick “God is dead” graffiti is shown. Quickly followed by an anarchy symbol. Got that subtleness? Good?

A priest tells the now naked blonde “Don’t be afraid, you’ll soon be free.” He then calmly stabs her. A crunching sound is heard (from a stabbing?) and he shows vampire teeth. Smoker, still outside, looks sad and runs away to her bike.

Vampires feast. The priest calmly walks to the lackeys. Main Lackey rips his shirt and drops to his knees. A weird edit has the priest lower and bite. I guess they did well enough to upgrade to vampire status.

Smoker rides along without singing a song. A rouge vampire who looks like a hobo attacks. Thrilling. She flees into the woods and holds up her cross.

The vampire charges and…I’m not quite sure what happens but he ends up impaled on a tree. It didn’t look like she threw him…just like he ran at the tree and didn’t notice the sharp limb hanging there. No wonder he didn’t have back-up if he’s that dumb.

Anyway, smoker reaches a church and asks for “Father Cahill. Joe Cahill.” But he’s apparently out getting drunk. The person at the door informs her of this but refuses her entry. She goes to where Joe is. He welcomes her in for a drink. If he’s supposed to sound drunk, he instead sounds bored.

He jokes about her not dying. He asks her to not raise her voice “so I don’t go all head explode-y.” Yep. Also, he has some odd looking beard/goatee then going on. He then jokes about her being an atheist wearing a cross. She refuses to believe that crosses are effective due to religion so that we can confirm that she’s an atheist and he’s a priest. Got it? Good.

If John Malkovich and Christopher Lloyd mated...

Suddenly it’s night again. Two people are walking and chatting perfectly fine. It’s an older man and his daughter. They go up to a house where they are advised not to go. The girl refers to another woman as “Susie Q” but I misheard and thought the other lady was talking. Oh well. Now you’re Susie Q. Anyway, she is taken to the side by the other woman who gives her a knife. “It buckles to your wrist.” Got it. Good?

The girls agree that the men are stupid. Thank you movie. Apparently everyone wants to lead the rebellion. Susie Q throws the knife at a tree and hits it. Yay?

Meanwhile, Joe is trying to get atheist smoker to drink. She claims that this “isn’t you!” but he wittily responds “It’s the new and improved me.” She gives him a cigarette and claims there aren’t many left. He shows her his stash of cigs and she agrees to drink. Can’t you feel the connection?

Her name is Quinn. They chat and joke, continuing to show their connection. She calls herself an anarchist and he says “I guess you got what you wanted” causing her to go off on a straight up stupid rant about how repressive the vampire takeover is. It helps that she goes from chatting to random screaming for this. She wants to go St. Anthony’s (the church) but they can’t according to Joe. More exposition. She calls his old parishioners “pathetic” and that they want him back.

Joe was railed out of his job by a corrupt priest who accused him of “touching a boy.” No one stood up for him. He uses profanities and drinks more to show he’s lost his way. She yells some more. I can feel the drama. Well…not really. I should go find that book. Anyway, when she gets angry enough to leave he calms down and asks her to stay, offering to shoot the breeze (what have you been doing?!).

Cut to OUTSIDE! Sorry, dramatic music blast. Nothing much going on. Smoker Quinn tries to sleep but hears something and it isn’t Father Joe. She turns on a flashlight and clings it to her bosom. Yes, I did share that bit so that I could type bosom. Anyway, she investigates.

Music tries to build tension. She finds a bald man surrounded by red light. That means he’s evil. Yep, turns around with an ugly face and sharp teeth. He tackles her, but Joe shows up and lays down the pain with a cross. The Vampire is thrown outside where it presumably dies because it is now light out.

Quinn finds her bike trashed. Joe finds the dead, burned up vampire. Quinn lays a guilt trip on Joe to give the dead monster its last rites since it used to be human, not that she cares about religion. “You can’t give the last rites to someone who’s already dead,” Joe explains but she gives another guilt trip and he does so (silently) once she goes back to her bike.

Deep Fried Salvation

We get exposition voice over chat leading to another conversation scene with them with her guilting Joe again….and again. Women, right? He relents and goes. We see a shot of water and a skeleton hanging on a piece of wood. People play on the beach with a torn up kite. Symbolism…I think.

Joe and Quinn walk and talk more. How could the vampires exist without people knowing about it? They chat up more exposition about how the first break out was in Europe. We already know this. In fact, they basically recap the entire opening “news reports.” This frustrates the mediocre screenwriter inside me.

They find a little girl sitting and looking at a flower. When they go to check on her, Joe is jumped from behind by a woman shouting for them to leave the kid. She then flees at the sound of an oncoming car. Joe and Quinn do the same, bringing along the little girl.

Yep. It’s Goth Patrol. Steve sidesteps a punch from Joe and knocks the Preacher to the ground while Tear Lackey subdues Quinn. Lady Lackey then hugs the kid. Steve remembers his earlier embarrassment and kicks Quinn. Joe is lifted so that Lady Lackey can give a ramble about how she’ll be beautiful forever once turned. Also revealed is that the preacher that caused Joe’s problem is now the main baddy preacher. EXPOSITION!!!

Little Girl asks to see her mommy and Lady Lackey is nice enough to put her in the car with her now departed mother. Little Girl screams and suddenly gunshots are heard. On a far away building a man takes aim and the Goth Patrol heads out, leaving behind Joe and Quinn because…I don’t know. The woman from earlier rushes over and uncuffs our heroes before fleeing again. “Welcome home,” scoffs Quinn.

Quick cut to a tattoo parlor. A woman is getting a tramp stamp because even at the fall of humanity sluts need to advertise. Turns out that Quinn knows the Tattoo Guy. Perhaps showing progress, Joe turns down a drink. Another girl sits down to finish Tramp Stamp’s tattoo. Quinn asks to stay the night, but Tattoo Guy says no. Joe takes a shot at TG’s business practices and Quinn ends up shouting at TG how he “owes her.” I think this girl only has two volume settings.

Before anything else can happen, the generator goes out. Tramp Stamp gets the wrong kind of attention as ugly vampires attack. I keep saying “ugly” because I really don’t want to say that they just look like zombie make-up with fangs. Tattoo Girl gets attacked and fends off one thanks to a well-placed shotgun blast to the skull. Tattoo Guy gets jumped from behind. Joe and Quinn make the save just after he has been bit. Good timing guys.

Since he’s dying or whatever, he tells them where a hotel with heavy locked doors can be found. Because, you know, he would never rat them out when he changes. But we cut to there and it seems that Quinn and Joe are A-Okay for the time. Quinn gives a babble about how the kid helping the vampires is like when the French used to help the Nazis to try and see their families again. More exposition. Vampires don’t want there to be too many of their type because of overpopulation and blah, blah, blah. This is going on much too long to reveal that there aren’t many humans because there are too many Vampires.

Oh, and reveal that the vampires have started “Stud ranches” so that more humans can be made while revealing that the Goth Patrol is earning the right to be turned into a vampire. Shocking, right? Cause we couldn’t have figured this out on our own? Like we haven’t? It’s a stalling scene at best.

Quinn takes Joe to the house from earlier. Turns out it was Joe’s past church. Got it. Inside the evil priest slits a guy’s throat so that corn syrup runs down his face and the ugly zombies can eat. Upon seeing this, Joe throws up. It is nearly an hour in and I really want that Daggone commando nun to show up.

Cut to day and our heroes enter the church. They shockingly enough find dead bodies and a bad smell. “Look what they’ve done to my church!” Joe shots in anger before kicking things. Didn’t happen to notice this last night, Joey? His rant causes the old man from earlier (way earlier) to appear bantering about how “God sent you to save us, Father Joe!...It’s a friggin miracle!”

He was the shooter the day before and the girl was his daughter…I really didn’t recognize her. Oops. Susie Q has an actual name but to heck with that. Joe asks the old man to help them clean up. Old Man has a name, too, but I’ve already forgot it two minutes later. “Carl, can you get us some coffee?” Thanks Father Joe. Carl goes to get supplies with a “I never believed a thing they said about you…and I won’t let you down this time.”

Dear goodness…We get a cleaning scene with music. Joe sweeping. Quinn brushing. Bodies being dragged and covered. How cute, Quinn needed help with a fat guy. Carl wanders around a wood pile and finds a broken cross. Quinn repairs it. Joe wipes down a blood stained table. What? Sound boring? If I have to watch it, you have to read it. Joe repairs a cross. They raise a cross. Joe beats a carpet to clean it ARE YOU SERIOUS MOVIE?! Susie Q brings food and the scene ends...

And immediately cuts to BDSM Sex between Lady Lackey and a blindfolded guy. Wha? Lady Lackey pauses to look at a picture of her and a little girl, perhaps a sister…and then licks a blade she used to cut her lover. O…k. She obviously misses the internet.

Back to Joe and Co. eating! The parish is so happy Joe is back that they broke into the can goods! Exposition. Eating. Eating. They’re just eating. Quinn looks sad. Quinn tries to act tough. Laments her life. Hates the fact that she fixed a crucifix because she’s an atheist. Runs off when Carl tries to comfort her. Boo hoo. She then stares at the cross. Soft music. Cries. Anddddddd scene.

Outside, Susie Q looks at the bodies that have been dragged from the church. Q talks about how she wanted vampires to be real “like the ones Anne Rice wrote about.” Subtle, but I’ll take it, I suppose. “It’s not beautiful…it’s just death.” Oscar acting.

Inside, Carl talks about his raising. He can’t believe that someone is an atheist. Quinn takes the traditional shots about the guy in the sky. “If there is a god, why would all this happen?” Oh no. “He didn’t want to see us corrupted anymore. Perhaps he said enough is enough.” This is as dull as an IMDB message board religion battle. “Why would god kill everyone who pissed him off?” “To protect the ones that didn’t piss him off.” Ahhhhhh!!!!

Back outside, Joe gives the last rites as he moves closer to being his old self. Yay progress. We then find Carl saying that the sun is going down…because we can’t show that apparently. Joe warns that the Goth Patrol will be coming in even if the vampires can’t. Tells Carl to get some guns and red wine. Oh wait, I think I’m getting Joe’s look. Long hair. Scraggly beard. Check. Subtle. “You planning Custard’s last stand?” “More like the Alamo.”

Tear Lackey is here! And he isn’t happy. He recognizes Susie Q. Babbles about how they would talk about not wanting to grow old. He makes the mistake of taking a shot at her deceased mother, so nails him with her knife…in the shoulder. Guess she should have aimed at smaller things than trees. Joe jumps on Tear Lackey ripping out the knife as he says, “Tell them Father Joe is back and he is pissed!” Amazing.

So the priest returns with Lady Lackey and Steve. Priest can’t enter though because of the rebuilt cross. “I’ve spent my entire life surrounded by crosses! Why can’t I even glance at one now?!” Because you’re a vampire, idiot.

Father Joe is back in robe. His hair is fashioned…somehow. Heck with it. Although, now he looks like one of the Three Musketeers. He’s doing a midnight mass (YOU DON’T SAY?). So he goes about his job as our ugly zombies…vampires! Vampires! The VAMPIRES wake up.

What great looking zom…er…vamp…uh…Zompires?

Joe talks about the body. The vampires slowly pace one by one. Joe takes the cup and talks about the blood. Susie Q and Quinn completely and utterly fail at keeping out the Goth Patrol and the ugly vampires enter after a Patroller throws down the cross. Priest and Main Lackey enter. Ugly vampires snarl and hiss at each other because they are intelligent beings…I’m sure.

The evil priest unleashes his “I’m evil,” speech about how he is now a “god.” Joe reveals that he knows that Evil Priest is the one who did the evil thing to the kid. “We all have desires!” Thanks Evil Priest. “By dawn, you’ll be drained!” and then they attack. Oh wait, no they don’t. Evil Priest keeps talking. And talking. AND TALKING! Is this a Bond movie?!

Joe ignores and says he’d like to finish mass. The priest tries to say “Jesus” but can’t. Main Lackey makes a comment about the whine being “His blood?” before smiling and drinking it down. Uniquely enough…this is a bad idea. A white light emits from main lackey’s throat. He drops the cup (which was half of a Pepsi can) and dissolves in front of the camera in our first real taste of gore in the movie. This occurs between shots of our cast with bright white lights being shined on them. Main Lackey, a red skeleton gurgling out his last sounds, collapses, oozing out some apple sauce.

If that were a Coke can, they would’ve all been doomed.

“What happened here?” asks Quinn before breaking down that “It’s all true!” Hooray?

Anyway, Goth Patrol is back and the fighting begins. Carl runs out. Susie Q rushes after but instead finds Lady Lackey. “Welcome to fright night,” says Lady Lackey to Susie Q. We get backstory between the two. Because we need this 80 minutes into a 90 minute movie.

Meanwhile, Joe finally gets taken down by about three or four of the Goth Patrol. A much better showing than earlier. Joe wakes up and Priest is back gloating and promising to turn Joe into a vampire. This is followed by him doing so…oh wait, no it isn’t. MORE TALKING!!!

Quinn is hung up on a wall…in a (what’s the word?) crucifix position. More talking. Priest tells Joe that Carl fled like a coward. This is followed by more talking. Even Joe says “Just kill me.” More talking. More talking. Joe promises to track down the priest since he’ll have all eternity to do so.

Why are they turning Joe again? Anyway, he promises he won’t find and kill the Evil Priest if they let Quinn go. EP responds by telling the ugly vampires to kill her. Of course, they have to get her down first. Sigh.

Oh wait? What’s that sound? It’s an angry mob of church goers outside and they’ve got sharp pointy objects! Sadly, none of them are Robert Z’dar. The battle begins! Susie Q sneaks the knife that is strapped to her wrist (YOU DON’T SAY!) and stabs Lady Lackey. Random people I’ve never seen before fight ugly vampires. Priest finally decides to bite Joe…but Carl shoves a cross in his face. To the surprise of no one, he recruited the army.

Lady Lackey isn’t dead. Just injured. Man, Susie Q sucks with that knife. The two girls battle for all of three seconds. Lackey rushes, they fall to the ground; Susie bounces Lackey’s head off the ground. That’s the end of that.

Some of the nameless army starts to fall. Others poke at ugly vampires until the creatures fall over ledges. Carl finds the little girl from earlier…and she’s a vampire. Shocking, I know? Bye Carl.

Lady Lackey is back up and now sneaks out of the picture. Good for her. We get the shots of the anarchy signs from earlier, now blood covered.

Priest grabs Quinn. Offers a trade. Her for Joe. Joe accepts and goes upstairs to where they are. The priest’s voice changes to demonic deep from time to time, by the way. No real reason given.

“Let her go? That’s the deal, isn’t it?” Hint: He’s probably going to drop her. But first. MORE TALKING. During this, Susie Q rips the cloth off of the holy blood covered table causing the Evil Priest to fall over the ledge with Quinn. They land on a stake. It goes through EP’s chest, about heart level. Convenient. EP gets up, the stake staying inside him.

Joe takes a 2x4 and pounds it home with a swing that would make Jim Duggan jealous. He then rushes to Quinn who is dying from the fall. Thankfully she realized that there was a god ten minutes ago, right? She makes Joe promise he’ll keep fighting and the sad music blares. He gives her the last rites. He’s fully back to his old preacher self. Hip hip hooray.

Meanwhile, the army is outside celebrating a step closer to reclaiming the internet. For some reason, some of the sticks they have are on fire. Susie Q is on the inside looking sad. Joe sits beside her and she gives her sob story about how she never told Carl that she loved him after her mother died. “I’m sure he knew.” Joe replies. Touching. “Where do we go from here?” Joe doesn’t know. They’ve reclaimed one church. One tiny place. She reminds him that it is a victory. “Maybe other people will hear about this,” Joe wanders, “Maybe this will be the spark…maybe it won’t.” Thanks movie.

Father Joe wonders where he’ll go next and Susie Q asks if she can go with him. Answer is yes. Shocking. Music sounds happy.

...

The end.

AFTER RANT

Seriously.

First instinct: I didn’t like it. Let it settle a minute…I didn’t like it.

Credits say “Written by F. Paul Wilson and Tony Mandile.” Mandile is also the director.He is also a co-producer. He also helped with special effects. He also did make-up. He also played Tattoo Guy. Yep. Anyway, sounds like quite the pet project. F. Paul was in this too, as the doctor/scientist claiming the “virus” was vampires at the beginning.

Great…well…this is what I get for having hopes. A subplot in the book (The pedophile part) is drug to the forefront for the movie. How could this happen? I turned to Google.

This movie was made in 2003. Does that sound odd? It should if you remember that I said the book came out in 2005. The movie is apparently based off of a novella that F. Paul went back and expanded into the book I enjoyed. Good to know, I suppose. Perhaps if I had known this, I wouldn’t have been as disappointed. Perhaps. Maybe. Probably…not.

Anyway…

Rating: 0.5 out of 5

The only reason it isn’t a 0 is because I’m an F. Paul Wilson fan. Man, I could use some Kentucky Fried Chicken about now.

The Ferryman

Mind to mouth: THE FERRYMAN

My first review. I’m sure it’s not going to be the finest form of all writing, but thank you for taking the moment you have to read this.

First, a game I like to play called “Which Poster Does Its Job the Best?"

1.

Cliché setup with a collection of “scary” film stills

2.

Cheesy boat reference with a sail nosed skull?

3.

Poster makes the movie seem like a different story.

Your Winner: POSTER NUMBER 2. It has a boat pun for goodness sake.

There is no prize.

Anyway--Here…we…go:

Cue studio credits…and the movie starts in traditional “scary cliché mode” by having a dark screen with a child whispering in an attempt of creepiness.

Suddenly, we jump to John Rhys-Davies fighting for his life during a storm with a guy who has a Smiley Face watch. The two trade overdubbed punches. They argue about turning back in the storm because they could die, all while attempting to kill each other. Odd conversation considering the situation...

After dispatching of his opponent via harpoon (Yes. Harpoon.), Rhys-Davies asks for forgiveness and gets a knife to the throat instead from the near-dead crew member. Perhaps realizing he has once again selected a script based on payday rather than content, Davies lets out a roar, pulls out the knife, and starts shouting profanities. He proceeds to chop up the now-dead man while shouting that he'll "Never pay you!" A warning that I should turn off the film because there is no refund? Perhaps.

John Rhys-Davies discusses this film with his agent.

Cut to random selection of people in New Zealand. As far as characters, you've seen them all before. One couple can speak a foreign language and the man uses it to make fun of the token dumb blonde. Yay, character development...ish. They meet up with a captain and his...wife(?) who are taking them on a boat ride to Fiji.

Cue music scene. Including the lines "What is this?" "This IS MUSIC!!" Then they sing...and a dog that I hadn't seen before barks. They dance. And the boat...floats...around..."WHAT DO YOU SAY ABOUT A LITTLE DRINKING?!"

Cue drinking scene. "What are we celebrating?" Nervous guy who looks like Robert Patrick won't say what the trip is for. Yay, secrets and awkward drinking as an attempt at acting.

Secrets and Awkward Drinking soon follows.

Cue fishing scene! They're fishing for dinner! The earlier nervous guy (Robert Patrick’s Clone) gets cut by the line. His friend takes over his pole and reels in a shark, bludgeons it with a cricket bat, and watches as The Captain shoots it in the head. They share a laugh. Character...development?

Cue plot development! They cut the shark's intestines out and find a hand, up to the wrist. The hand wears a Smiley Face watch and the movie is nice enough to flash to Rhys-Davies cutting up the earlier crew member so that we don't get confused. Phew...to think, I almost thought it was some other guy who was chopped to death while wearing a Smiley Face watch.

It’s Happy O’Clock? It’s ALWAYS Happy O’Clock!

Cue talking scene. Nothing of real importance (One of the girls is a nurse) with attempts at making me care about those involved. I...kind of don't. Sorry.

CUT TO CREEPY FACED KID IN A HOSPITAL SAYING "He's coming." This dream is for Nurse Girl. She then wakes up and rolls over to SEE CREEPY FACED GIRL IN BED. Yay, double dream. No one does that anymore...except for...those who do.

Cue "Storm is Coming" scene followed by Dumb Blonde sunbathing while captain and Nurse Girl's Guy (Zane, I think, maybe Shane) talk about whether they'd bang the girl. The answer is a bashful "Yes" in case you're curious. Captain's Wife (CW) reveals that a distress signal is coming in Morse code. Dumb Blonde wants to ignore the call for help. CW then endears herself to me, making her my prestigious "Character I Want To Survive" of the movie. Hint: I'm bad at picking survivors.

Cue a paragraph with no “Cue” set-up. As they near the storm where the call for help came from...creepy stuff happens. Maggots in the food. Crazy fog. Bad attempts at music playing over the scene. They find the boat but can't go over to it due to reef. Instead they send the two guys who aren't the captain. Heh? It's abandoned and smelly. Scene...development?

Zane/Shane/McCain plays a joke on Robert Patrick-Lite and earns the reply "You've got yours coming." Then a dead bird springs to life in RPL's hand. They decide they'd like to leave. However, before they do, they see a pool of...something. Hint. Red. They find John Rhys-Davies begging "Help me. Help me." He has fully realized what kind of movie he has signed on for. Poor guy. He begs for help some more then smiles...oddly.

Cut the Rhys-Davies (Who will be shortened to Davies for the most part now…) on the new boat getting clothes from...someone. I don't know. He doesn't appear to be any of their sizes but has nice fitting clothes. Davies begins to tell his sad, frightened story about his boat going into a storm and him losing all of his crew while flashes of him cutting the one guy up is shown...you know...in case you forgot about it.

And then my agent said, “It looks like a real good film. Much better than Sabretooth.”

Soon they're playing cards and Davies is winning, showing off an A-K of Spades. Yes. I wrote down the cards. Davies suggests that the Nurse Girl marry Zane/Shane/Babaloo Jr.

Dumb Blonde gets frustrated and announces she's going to bed. Her Non-Robert Patrick husband puts money on the table which includes an odd looking coin that causes Davies to spit up blood while flashing scenes of a boat. Evil possessed money? Anyway, he recovers and tells Nurse Girl that she reminds him of his lost love. Followed by, "I chose the wrong body." Of work? Maybe.

Dumb Blonde complains to her husband, who, you might not know this, looks a little like Robert Patrick, before leaving the room. This is...filler. Nurse Girl's Guy is busy smoking something on-deck and gets to see an oncoming boat. Davies looks out the window and goes "Not yet" so we stop seeing the boat. Daggone. He has to direct from inside the movie.

Dumb Blonde shows up to talk to Zane/Shane/Reggie. She seduces him out of spite for her husband while an off-screen presence watches. Remembering he is Nurse Girl's Guy, he turns her down out and gets stabbed in the guts by Davies as a reward. There is your lesson for the movie, folks.

Zane makes the mistake of admitting he sent the script to Rhy-Davies’s agent.

Turns out Nurse Girl was the one watching from the shadows and she rushes out to try and help Zane/Shane/Rowsdower. Davies laughs in a crazy manner, perhaps reading further ahead into the script and wondering why he didn't do this sooner. "Screw you" he shouts at the Captain and gets punched in the face. Near Dead Zane/Shane/John McClane shakes and shakes and begins throwing up blood. Davies does the same before getting Military Pressed by the Captain and chucked into the water.

Seriously.

Nearly Dead Nurse Girl's Guy pulls the knife out and they can't find a wound. Dumb Blonde tries to act shocked and confused. It's cute.

Not-so-Dead Nurse Girl's Guy gets up, rather confused and actually managing to get that across. He says everything will be okay while shots of him looking bloody and getting punched flash up. Meanwhile, Davies floats in water and thinks about being in Lord of the Rings before swimming towards the mysterious boat that he apparently is ready for.

Captain and Wife argue briefly and by briefly, I mean needlessly. Nurse Girl consoles her once-injured beau while he acts over-the-top creepy. Robert Patrick-Lite tries to console his Dumb Blonde but she ignores him leaving the man to most likely think about how awesome it would've been to be the T-1000. Davies reaches the boat. It’s actually the one on the ‘reef.’ My bad.

HELLOOOOOOOO NURSE! I do not apologize for that joke.

Over the top creepy must be a turn on as Nurse Girl goes to give some “special” care to her once injured love. As their love music plays, Davies gets out of his wet clothes. Yes. It is awkward. He freaks out upon seeing himself in the mirror...because he is Zane/Shane/That Guy. This is revealed by a flash of Zane/Shane/Ricardo appearing in the mirror. Apparently, the stabbing caused a body switch. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!

The love making gets too darn rough. Newly Possessed Zane/Shane/Harold has an “8” tattoo on his back and his scar is gone Nurse Girl kicks off her supposed lover and the other character upon hearing screaming from the bedroom rush in to help because there obviously is something wrong. I do suppose that says something about Nurse Girl’s private life. Anyway, the possessed man breaks up with her in front of everyone. Sad moment for all and they assume everything was a lover’s quarrel.

CW agrees to watch over Nurse Girl. CW manages to ignore any “He’s not acting right” comments by getting the former nurse to give up some character development. Creepy Girl from earlier died due to a bad decision by Nurse Girl. Thanks movie, cause with Nurse Girl constantly saying she quit while having these visions, it was so hard to figure out…

Meanwhile, Rhys-Davies is going through books. Yeah. That’s it. Back to the other boat.

Dumb Blonde got Nurse Girl’s clothes and gives her some sleeping pills while Zane/Shane/Pizza Guy has his lighter explode in his hand after seeing the oh-so-mysterious ship. The Captain has some problems due to the fog and plans on not moving til morning, freaking out the possessed man. They have an argument and the Captain claims the only person he takes orders from is his wife. Most scenes are now ending with people standing alone and cursing to show anger.

Cue the mysterious Freaky Friday Plot Device knife as Zane/Shane/Possession Man plans to take over CW’s body in order to get her husband to leave ASAP (Pure assumption based on the fact that CW is the person he’s stalking in the next scene). However, the dog gets in his way…so he breaks its back. Now I am sad.

He uses this to get CW alone, but Robert Patrick Lite doesn’t know how to stay in bed and has found the dog before they get back. CW is thrown out of the way and RPL and Zane/Shane/Mandy have an off-screen battle. By the time the Captain arrives, the possessed man has an eye out and looks like the flash from earlier. So, that was foreshadowing. Amazing.

Robert Patrick Lite now acts mysterious and tries to take the knife from the room, but the Captain takes it from him as CW freaks out about the dog and now wounded Zane/Shane/Not-So-Possessed Man. RPL goes back to his room where Dumb Blonde admits she is barren. Sad moment made better when RPL replies, “Why would I want to marry you?” Smiling like a defective T-1000, he calls her ugly a couple more times and she curses…a lot. Acting. It’s…yeah. Anyway, he has a flash of being injured (Yay Foreshadowing) before slapping her around and making fun of her some more. Wonderful Character Development. And by Development, I mean filler.

On another boat, John Rhys-Davies has managed to get it started. He smiles as he realizes he has a chance to escape the movie. CW freaks out cleaning the blood. Dumb Blonde screams some more. Captain cries over the dog. Nurse Girl sleeps. This all happens in about 30 seconds of screen time.

CUE MUSIC!!! Or something resembling it, of course. Robert Patrick’s Stunt Man is trying to act tough/creepy. Swigs some beer as the Captain cries over the dog. Makes a comment about the dog having a broken back. Captain stops crying and CURSES IN SLOW MOTION. Possessed Robert Patrick Look-A-Like breaks the bottle he’s drinking over the Captain’s head and uses the left over glass to slit his throat. “Howdy Sue! Dave’s hurt!” he shouts as CW appears. He knocks her out. Good news, I finally know the names of the Captain and his wife.

Robert Patrick’s Clone fights to escape The Island

Captain, bleeding profusely goes to stab The Possessed Man with the Freaky Friday knife but gets blocked. Robert Patrick Jr. throws the Captain off the boat after witting comments referencing “control” of the boat. Then he finishes off killing the dog. An underwater whimper is heard. Sadness for all, especially PETA.

Rhys-Davies is full speed ahead trying to escape the movie but a cut scene drags him back into it. He quickly escapes and we’re left back on the other boat, finding CW tied up.

Despite not talking much at all when possessing other people, Robert Patrick-Lite Version refuses to shut up. We get our back story as RPL says that “He” has been chasing him for thousands of years. I assume The Ferryman will eventually reach the movie he’s named after. After telling CW her husband died a coward he threatens to throw the unconscious Zane/Shane/Ezekiel overboard. She agrees to show him how to drive the boat but he throws the man over anyways causing Rhys-Davies to collapse with irritation.

Nurse Girl is still KO’d from the sleeping pills and our Possessed Mr. Lisp from Spy Kids (Yeah. I referenced it. What?) is about to stab her when Dumb Blond bursts in. Seeing him, she gets mad and wants to know why he’d chose the unconscious woman who I assume she assumes he’s about to rape over her. I mean…why get mad over possible rape when your feelings are hurt. He goes to kill Dumb Blonde after telling her that Nurse Girl is special but is interrupted with a bullet in the back by CW. She’s hardcore.

My name is not Janie but I do have a gun! I do apologize for that joke.

Dumb Blonde becomes furious that CW shot her man, showing that apparently all women need is a good slap to fall in line (That’s the movie. Not me! The movie!) She rushes to console her dying lover and gets a knife in the ribs. Again. Another movie lesson. Commence Blood Spitting Body Swap! And Jamie Lee Curtis is nowhere in sight.

After the swap, CW is shocked to see Dumb Blonde spring to life and especially shocked to get shot by her moments later. Boo. Quick flash of what I assume is the Ferryman along with a foreshadow shot of a decrepit hand choking the Now Possessed Dumb Blonde.

Anyway, Possessed Dumb Blonde (PDB to save my poor typing fingers) lets Body-Swapped Robert Patrick Lite pull a ring out of his/her pocket to reveal that his secret from earlier was that he was going to propose. RPL says that she won’t make her/him cry, then cries like a girl…which actually makes sense.

I am not Robert Patrick! I’m not! I’m not! I AM NOT!
I just wish I was.

This is followed by PDB feeling herself up to the shock and disgust of Dumb Blonde Robert Patrick Lite. Daggone if the name changes aren’t confounding me. Sorry everyone…Overall awkward scene that only manages to remind me that I said that Dumb Blonde couldn’t act convincingly earlier…and I can’t find anything to argue with my past self. [Past Shawn: Darn skippy, Jiffy]Anyway, while PDB is faking one thing, CW is faking death and waits until PDB leaves the room to make a move for the gun.

Nurse Girl is still out like a light from the pills and has a dream discussion with the girl she accidentally killed. The girl apparently knows what is going on and tells her how to beat “the bad man.” Of course, the Bad Man who is now Dumb Blonde stands in front of the slowly waking Nurse Girl. However, CW appears with the gun. More profanity followed by PDB tacking CW into an off-screen battle. Sadly, this is the end of “The Character I Want to Survive.” Boo.

Nurse Girl finishes awakening to find out the coin that sleep girl gave her is in her hand. That makes absolutely no sense, but I’m just going to assume I missed something.

Elsewhere, John Rhys-Davies is back to the Body Count Boat, unable to get away from the fog or the plot. He crawls aboard and sees Nurse Girl. Then tells her he’s Zane/Shane/Loverboy and talks in the foreign language from earlier to prove it. She instantly believes him. That’s how awesome John Rhys-Davies is.

“The knife gives you the power to swap bodies” he explains to her since she’s the only one left who hasn’t figured that out. Dumb Blonde appears with the gun and Davies goes into explanation mode again so to stall. “You have to make the boat go,” she begs Rhys-Davies. Then randomly goes and gets gas. She turns around and sees Nurse Girl watching. Stupid girl.

PDB nails Rhys-Davies in the head with the gas can and pours gas on him After Nurse Girl and PDB have an exposition show-down, we find out that the Ferryman is close. Thank goodness. The movie is almost over. Nurse Girl sweet talks the Possessed One about wanting to join her/him. They kiss. The R-Rating smiles.

Rhys-Davies does not approve. And gets set on fire. He stands and stumbles around a bit, half-heartedly screaming before jumping off-screen with the hope of finally escaping the Daggone movie.

Rhy-Davies reacts in shock as he realizes he is almost out of the movie

Nurse Girl kisses Possessed Blonde again, this time slipping her something…the coin. The coin burns itself into the tongue of the Possessed Blonde. The Blonde tries to act scared and afraid. It’s cute.

Blood comes from her mouth and…

The Ferryman finally freaking appears!!

Nice looking guy if you get past the decay.

Ferryman locks on a choke hold and rips out Dumb Blonde’s tongue.

“Payment.”

Voices talk over themselves. The Ferryman talks cryptically about those who The Possession Master killed are waiting for him/her. Off-screen screams as Nurse Girl stands alone on the boat. Fade to black.

Wait. WAIT!

CUE DANCING SCENE!!! Dance baby dance! Par-tay! Whoop! Whoop! Among the festivities, Guy with Bad Moustache Wearing an Earring and Lame Fedora wanders around. He sees Nurse Girl, nicely decked out in non-boat related clothing. She slams back a shot and winks at him. Then head back to someone’s room where she gets naked. The first nudity I remember from the film, actually.

She asks him to take a shower with her and when he whips back the drapes, SUPER-BURNED Rhys-Davies (Daggone it! He can’t escape!) appears with the Freaky Friday knife. So, Zane/Shane/Apparently-Not-That-Moral Guy gets a new “hot” body and Nurse Girl collapses into a corner in pure shock and horror at herself and the situation.

What a wonderful ending.

“I’ll Never pay you!” I hear Rhys-Davies shouting from the beginning of the movie. Darn him and darn me for not listening.

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THE SCORE: 2 out of 5.

One of those points is purely for Rhys-Davies. I bash at the movie’s existence but I’m sure there are some who could enjoy it… for an unintentional laugh and, at least when he finally arrives, The Ferryman looks like an interesting monster.

CONSTURCTIVE CRITICISM: Direction of the film was promising as my untrained eyes could see so while the end result was not favorable for me; it seems as if there could be a future for the director. I mean…John Cameron made Piranhas 2: The Spawning. Right?

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After Note:

Following a Google search, I discovered that the "8" tattoo is a sign of imortality. Nice touch, actually.

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