The Devil's Tomb.
And here we go....Oh, hello Ron Perlman. Hope your electricity bill didn't inconvenience you too much.
Apparently, as part of his investigation at "Creepy Horror Place" a scientist has to sacrifice himself. Ron Perlman is here to give us voice over foreshadowing...but just showing him. A way to make it seem less contrived. Not really helping.
Also random scenes with static video not showing what's going on but including yelling and brief shots of craziness. Unseen people debate on who to send to the location Perlman was talking about...
Hi, Cuba Gooding Jr.
Voice over from CUBA. "It turns out some things can't be killed with a bullet." Thanks Cubes.
Rookie! Always have to have the inexperienced rookie.
Cuba introduces the crew to his elite squad, but the Important Scientist interupts on the last person to reveal she's already read up on them. Then...why didn't you interrupt at the start of the spiel? Oh...so I'd know them. Sorry. That's not going to work. I don't remember names, I remember the cliches they represent.
Elite Squad is all about blowing stuff up. "We're shake and bake, not search and rescue." Thanks other squad member who played Vampire Billy the Kid in Bloodrayne 2.
Apparently a "quake" shook the creepy horror place and trapped Ron Perlman. A nice cover to drag the elite squad. Oh wait, no. They still should expect something if the "Shake and Bake" is being called in for a rescue.
Hello soundtrack. You're very generic today.
Oh look, two of the squad has a crush on each other.I'm sure both he and she will make it. Cuba has a flashback about the two. Uh...thanks?
Rookie is shunned cause he's a rookie. Hello Mr. Cliche. They flew into a storm. Why is this movie reminding me of Clive Barker's Jericho?
"This wind will burn your skin like a blow torch...so stay tight." And...away they go. Rookie trips because he's a rookie. Ha. Ha. HA.
Is walking in the sandy wind supposed to be dramatic? The soundtrack seems to think so. Did I mention that one of the girls is named Yoshi?
The rookie complains about the heat. Cause he's a rookie.
Yoshi is so observant that an infected man gets the drop on her, even if she does easy knock him off. Hey, it's a preacher. "This looks like radiation poisoning...but I don't know." Best Doctor. Ever. "
"What's a priest doing here?" I guess being a preacher. Nothing like having a random conversation full of innuendo over a dying preacher.
Meanwhile, the Scientist turns on Motion Sensors. Plenty of things around. The whole base is shut down. So the rookie gets to prove himself by hacking it. The quake didn't hurt anything. Oh noez. It was destroyed...FROM THE INSIDE!
What the heck is with random Cuba Gooding flashbacks? Just...I don't know. Bits and pieces of stuff.
Vampire BTK is the smart mouth. Earns him babysitting duty on the slime-y priest. "Nothing is to be removed from this station...including him." Poor dying radiated preacher.
Slow elevator ride. "So, this isn't so bad." Rookie jinxes it. Cause he's the rookie!
"Welcome to hell." Seriously cliche tough guy? That's all you got? Is this a Doom knockoff now? Where's the BFG?
Oh good. Random image with creepy voice. I'll guess that's our supernatural presence of the movie. Formerly booby-trapped place. Full of C4. This won't matter later whatsoever, I'm certain of it.
Oh good. We're going to get the subtle religious subplot. "We've been called many things...Wesley isn't one of them." A creepy demonic guy appears and starts babbling quasi-religious rhetoric before spitting alien-like acid blood on the generic tough guy and getting shot by Cuba.
The Doc is religious, so this freaks her out when the creepy guy knows her name.
Token Rookie Guy ambles off and falls on his own accord because rookie = completely useless. He finds a dead body though. Good work Columbo.
Instead of tranq-ing the creepy guy, Doc instead gets to suffer delusions and be slowly corrupted. Good job. Random shot of alien looking thing.
"I speak a bunch of languages. What? You can't?" Shut up, Rookie.
Doc disappears as they investigate the dead guy. Cue the soundtrack as the chase after her signal. Meanwhile, Vampire BTK has found a lady mag. "The priest is still passed out and creepy." That's not going to last long.
Cuba. Can you please stop repeating parts of your flashback when having flashbacks? It wastes time.
Walking. Searching. Soundtracking. Dramatic Chording. Splitting two groups.
SPHE? Rookie drops something, spooking the crew...cause he's the rookie.
Rookie backs into another person and jumps...cause he's the rookie.
Rookie is afraid to open a locked door...cause he's the rookie.
Should these sentences be happening so close together?! Hey, a new, more electrified, creepy body.
Back with Cuba's group, we find more bodies. Wrapped in barbwire. They hear Ron Perlman's voice. Move forward. Surprise. It's a video. "A cosmic game of good cop, bad cop..." psychobabble.
As Cuba and group goes after Doc, a couple stay behind to guard, and put up with the irritating Ron Perlman psychobabble. Hey, it's creepy guy again. "She's not your soldier anymore." Oh look, he carved a cross on his chest. More religious babble.
"We will dine on the afterbirth of her new beginning." That line is so stupid that Cuba instantly caps him in the skull. Thanks Cubes.
Meanwhile, the video must be looping because we return to hear Ron talk about the "Cosmic game..."
Yoshi has a vision as we see a flash of encased alien. She disappears. Uh-oh.
Creepy guy gets up from getting shot in the skull. More anti-religion talk and generic tough guy empties and entire clip into him.
Meanwhile, vampire BTK is watching a movie upstairs. Hilarious.
Cuba gets his Arnold in Predator "You knew" lines to Scientist.
"My job is to get my team out alive. If I shoot somebody and they don't die, it makes it hard for me to do my ****ing job." Agreed.
Door springs open. It's...HENRY ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLINS!
Perlman's character is Wesley. I keep wanting to call him Wesker. Rollins explains the soldier would've been taken to the "temple" "How'd you know she was taken?" Nice one, Cubes.
Yoshi is wandering around having her deluded visions. Yes, of course your kid is down in this place with the bear your mother gave you on your 5th birthday...Sigh. The vision becomes monsterous and she starts firing. So other people gravitate nearby and we get the Predator: Shoot at something though you don't know what" scene.
"It always starts with hallucinations." Thank you Preacher Rollins.
Cuba is tired of this. "You take us to the Temple right now, or I put a bullet in your head, right now." Great writing.
More flashback, yay. Come on Cubes. Can't you just have this all at once? Or at least pick up where you left off instead of slightly recapping?
Meanwhile, Vampire BTK sees a vision of an attractive and very naked lady. I've seen that gimmick used before, but at least you found a way to throw in nudity.
Preacher Rollins got gagged for running his mouth.
Vampire BTK is doomed. Doesn't wonder where naked girl came from and surprise it's actually the priest in illusion. So, he gets a mouth full of acid spit before the quick drag jump scare finale.
Elsewhere, rookie wonders away from the group...cause he's a rookie He gets snuck up on by the fattest man in the movie to date...cause he's the rookie. Thankfully Cuba is there to shoot the guy.
Generic Tough Guy wastes some ammo and explosives even though we've established these guys get back up. Oh good, it caved in the path so they need to find an alternate way out. So that's why he did that.
Ancient "Fire and Brimstone" stuff. The rookie can read Latin...but he can't read Spanish. Because he's...stupid?
Whenever a creepy body is floating in a container, 99% of the time if you stare at it, it will open its eyes. "I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I'm tired of you gun ho mother ****ers acting like you've got this under control." I'll give you three guesses who said that...cause he's the rookie.
Yoshi hears the voice of her kid and instantly bails because no one learns from anything in this movie. She finds Doc. Creepy acting Doc. More religious babble. This movie thinks it has a point. But it comes off heavy handed.
"Of course I see your unborn child. She's beautiful." Thanks for that obvious slap in the face movie.
"What is this?"
"The wrath of god."
"You may not believe this, father, but you are expendable."
Cuba doesn't like people beating around the bush. Okay, the alien isn't an alien. It's an angel. An angel "cast out" from heaven...that probably would probe you if it got the chance.
Preacher Rollins gets his big scene. "That's not ice...that's the hand of god." Henry is good once he gets rolling in a character. Shockingly enough, the person who got Cuba's team down there knew all about this.
Meanwhile back at Yoshi. "Is this a dream?" Yes, Yoshi. It's a dream you absolute genius.
Doc starts...seducing (?) Yoshi while the kid watches and smiles. Well, that's somewhat creepy. Nice job. Doc kisses Yosh.
Rollins is getting ranty. His rant makes Yoshi's male friend realize she's gone so he and someone else rush out to find her. They're too late as Yoshi gets stabbed in the back. Thankfully, this doesn't disturb one last kiss for...? I don't know.
Back to Cuba's flashback. Uniquely enough the people in it who aren't with the group have been killed. So, some guy takes some other guys cross. Cuba, can you please pick up the speed on this?
Yoshi's guy and Generic Tough Guy find blood. Dun Dun Duh.
Rookie is breaking down. "We gotta get out of here." Gee, I bet it's because...never mind.
Doc hops out all disgusting like. Generic Tough Guy sees through it while Yoshi's guy orders him not to. So, this group is in the 'Slowly being Eliminated' phase.
An "infected" woman jumps on Rookie. Generic Tough Guy reappears and blows her brain out. Informs that Yoshi's Guy took a shot at him. I do find it amusing that the muscle head has been able to see through the illusions.
"I ain't no ****ing soldier!" I wonder who said that?
Preacher Rollins realizes something about Scientist Girl and runs off to probably die. Yoshi's Guy finds Yoshi or something resembling her. Just get knocked off already so the plot can movie on, please.
In case the movie hasn't beat you in the head with it, Yoshi had an abortion. It was Yoshi's Guy's seed. She felt pretty bad about that.
He looks at her back and it's all disgusting like. Then Yoshi shows that she's a spitter. "Acid" to the face. Then Doc just makes things worse by ripping out the guy's throat. That seemed excessive
Scientist finally starts giving information. Turns out this was a suicide mission. Everyone to be killed to prevent any "evil" from escaping. Less than 30 minutes from explosions.
"Wesley is ALL four horsemen rolled into one." Uh...okay?
Cuba picks up on the fact that the thing was started before they got on the elevator. So, she must have wanted to find Wesley anyway. It's a good point.
A quake occurs. Generic Tough Guy holds a door so everyone else can get out. Great. Generic Tough Guy is the only one coming off as a daggone hero. He has a fight scene with three infected and then blows himself up.
Meanwhile, Preacher Rollins runs into barbwire like an idiot. Doc appears to finish him off. Bye exposition priest. Daggone, movie, you are tying up your loose ends as quickly as possible, huh?
10 minutes left. It's Cuba, The Scientist, and Rookie...And they run into Mr. Perlman.
"What's left of your father is very sad to see you here."
"My time in this skin suit is almost over. I need you to bring me a new set of clothes..."
Apparently, Perlman has the power inside of him or something. I don't know. Not at all. He's the main baddie and they can't let him leave. Power of Casting I guess.
Rookie locks and loads...but his gun jams...because...heck with it.
Scientist runs away. Rookie gets spit on. Glad he made it this far to be final fight fodder.
"You look like ****."
"I never felt better."
Sigh.
Perlman tells Cuba he'd make a good angel. So the angel has inhabited Perlman's body. Got it, movie. Sorry, guess I was slow. Tempting Cuba with illusions might work better if you're not openly telling him they're illusions. Just a simple ProTip for you Mr. Fallen Angel.
Ex-Wife. Daughter. Best Friend, aka Guy from the Flashback.
We finally get the end of said flashback that has padded out the film. Cuba apparently shot his...best friend?
"I did what I was told."
So Cuba gets swirled around between the best friend and Ron Perlman as they taught him. A background voice says "Our name is legion." Cuba acts as if he's giving in. Takes out the bible from the flashbacks.
"Maybe God does have a plan..." setting off Perlman once again. Religious rhetoric. Man given choice and immediately uses it to choose not to believe. The movie close to ending, I suppose they needed to sling that one in there.
"Thank God for free will" Perlman smirks. Cuba agrees and shoots an exploding barrel. Said barrel catches Perlman on fire and he then...explodes...or something? Whatever.
Cuba finds Doc who...dies? Scientist rushes to her father to pray over him. And, of course, is infected.
"What have you done?"
"What I was trained to do...free my father's soul."
Sure. Okay. She gives him her necklace and tells him he has to leave her. Probably tired of all this crap, Cuba agrees and takes off for the nearest exit ASAP as Quakes shake the area.
He gets in the elevator. Oh, Vampire BTK had came downstairs so no jump scare is waiting on him. He hops out and runs some more. Pops open the hatch and gets outside (Thankfully no razor like sand storm or he'd be boned).
Slow motion Cuba run as the underground place explodes.
We see a helicopter landing. Cuba on the ground. But he made it. "For the first time, I know my purpose, my place in the world. I have a new mission. Bigger than myself. A new soldier in a very old war."
I...have completely missed the point of this movie. Daggone it.
I guess that just means Cuba is relgious now, but having a showdown with a fallen angel could probably do that for many people. It's kind of hard to explain that away.
Ice Cold Productions LLC is the Author and Creator of this Motion
Picture for the Purpose of Copyright.
No After the Credits Scene. Not sure why I thought there would be
Score: 3 out of 5. Crazy movie that is interesting amid its cliches. Besides, you've got Cuba Gooding Jr and you can't go wrong with that...unless you do, but I don't think it's possible. Yes. Even Snow Dogs. What were we talking about? Never mind.
And I also have a book for sale...
50 Plus 10 Horror Movie Survival Tips: 
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Playback
PLAYBACK
Netflix Summary: "Harlan Diehl slaughtered his family, capturing the deed on video. When students learning about the case watch the tape, they unleash a powerful evil."
Open OCT 21 1994
Video tape shots of random nonsense while flies buzz. The white static has mumbling over it, we pull back yet retain tape static/breaks. A bloody hand grabs a labeled tape. Walks upstairs. Dog barks. Static is annoying.
Nice crappy truck. Blood from dead body leaks down it. A person screams inside the house and we walk in to see a random person crawling and begging "For my baby." Static shows a doggie. Hi doggie. Woman is killed.
In bathroom, another dead woman. We cut out to show the person holding the camera, yet we still have these annoying edits/cuts.
Zoom in on the baby that stops crying when the killer arrive. Baby looks worried and we cut out to the earlier TV. This young man slams his hand on the TV. Baby waves at camera. Hi baby.
Light comes out of the camera as the person shoves their hand into the TV. Cop sirens bring things back to reality. This is Harlan running around, by the way. The cops signal his cue to run for it.
Dedicated Momma tries to stop him but he knocks her down and runs outside. The cops arrive. Pull guns. "WHO ELSE IS IN THE HOUSE?!" Yeah, good first question.
"PUT THE BABY DOWN!" There you go.Puts baby down by camera. Hands up. Dedicated Momma runs out and stabs him, but he chucks her off the porch. "PUT THE KNIFE DOWN!"
He dives off the porch with the knife, getting shot twice, and stabs the DM in the chest as the baby cries. Well...that could've been avoided.
Baby cries in slow motion as more cops arrive late. Irritating cut reverses things as we cut back to the static TV. Well, then. Black and white video of people walking. Close ups of the baby.
PLAYBACK.
IPhone. Dead body in a car with happy peppy music to let you know this is a recreation. A group of college students trying to recreate the the murders.
"This was a rehearsal." "That was take 12."
"Hide your face. You're playing the dad and you look like a teenager." "I am a teenager." Teen then requests a beer. Whooo. Party, amirite?!
So, Peppy music continues into take 13 and I already hate everyone in the daggone cast. This should go great. Split shot of him recording along with what he's recording. The pizza arrives mid shot, ruining the scene.
Cut to class with babbling teacher about journalism. Newspaper clips all over the back wall. "Yay Pizza!" girl is apparently a teacher's pet.
Cut to soccer! Uh...okay.Yay Pizza did a half hour presentation on bridges. Turns out this forced horror movie is for a project. Creepy van appears. This guy owns the camera he was using. "Can I invite him to the party?" "Too old and creepy."
The guy is quiet, shy, and wearing black. Main Guy babbles about the shoot and invites the guy to the party. He says no until a specific girl is mentioned. I have no clue who that is.
Asks Creepy to look into Harlan, but Creepy doesn't know about him. I think we're supposed to believe he's the baby...but it's probably main guy. First ten minute guess.
Creepy be smoking. Goes to the TV station. "What happened to that equipment." *Flips bird* Out, Creepy is a rebel. In to a dark basement we go.
Old computers everywhere...but who cares, it's time for a shot of the girls talking. It's a locker room so, someone is obviously recording it. This gets us our R-Level nudity for the film. This goes on during a discussion of how one girl is having a birthday, explaining the party. I swear one topless girl smiled at the camera.
Zoom out to show...HI CREEPY! And he recorded it. Cool story, bro. Gets a reminder text and finds some Harlan video.
Reporter gives cliche report on it. "A family of four...murdered!" "How could something like this happen...and WHY?" Phone call immediately after report. Wow, this guy is really pushy about his real footage. "In an hour."
CUT TO PARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTAY. People are immediately tackled into the pool to indicate PARTY! And PARTY MOOOOOONING. And Birthday Girl is Brianna. Now I know. He boyfriend got her a vibrator...as predicted.
Stupid jokes. Women profess that there are 4 different kinds of orgasms. We get this drug out longer than it should be. OH YES. OH NO. OH GOD. OH NATE!" Get it, cause that's his name and she always fakes it. GET IT.
Back to Creepy. He finds the raw murder footage.Watches it. It's static-y because screw you movie. The killer wakes up and dives at the camera at the end. It breaks the tape. Uh...okay.
Back to Party. Blonde Girl and Some Guy make out. Turns out Boyfriend did get the gift Brianna wanted, but she's too mad for him to stop and get them. It's tickets to a concert.
Creepy fixes the tape back to when Killer lunges at the camera. "RAWR!!!!!" Somehow this allows the killer to possess Creepy or some such nonsense. Cryptic mumbling. Head shaking. THOSE IRRITATING CUTS.
Creepy ends the scene, eyes wide, unmoving. Maybe he's just dead. Back at the scene of the murders...uh...nothing. Cut to a police car being pulled up to. Hey, it's Deputy Christian Slater.
He buys the lockerroom footage off Creepy. Oh, wonderful. PLUS SIDE, I GUESS
CREEPY was possessed.
Back to Party. "Top Horror Film, go!" "The Ring!" "Scream!" "Freaky Friday!" I hate you all. Freaky Friday is a 'horror movie' cause she turns into her mother. HA HA HA....
Creepy arrives to the party.He steals a sticky bow off a package and puts on his gift. Gives it to Brianna. She opens and finds...Blu-Ray player. She's insanely rude to him and walks off. Screw you, lady.
Creepy wanders off. "How do you know that guy again?" asks a person who heard the earlier conversation. Creepy huffs some stuff in the bathroom while odd drug taking music blares.
Lies down on...Brianna's bed? Daggone those freaking edits. Stuffed animals. He steals some sunglasses. Colors change. We get extreme close ups of teddy bears...he stabs one.
Hey, Deputy Slater. Get you some high school cam nudity. Pauses. This is apparently Michigan if his shirt is to be believed. He creepily pauses on Teacher's Pet/YAY Pizza girl. Implied masturbation.
KEG STAND!
Stabbed bear! He put a camera in the bear. Oh, for some extra profit, I suppose. Points it at the bed and heads out. It's a creep move, but to heck with Brianna.
Creep talks to Movie Guy. "mumble mumble flash drive." "Do you think you could put a word in for me down at the station." Movie Guy wants to make movies.
Creep informs him that "I don't make anything...I archive footage from 20 years ago. I sit there and look at nothin." And away Creep walks to his creepy van. Pulls up his Bear Camera.
Cut to next day. "Tell me about your project!" Movie Guy tells his mom about the Harlan Diehl project. Momma no approve. "It's not cool. It was a tragedy." He implies his mother doesn't help him and almost walks off without his phone. Yeah, right.
Back to blondie. Movie Guy's gal, I have figured. A shadow-y figure spies on her. She hears something. It ends up being...uh...someone stabbing her.
She runs and screams and is eventually killed at the door...and it's the movie. Nate complains about the shakey. Nate is supposed to be representing me as the "hates shakey cam" guy. Sure, Nate. I'll root for you.
Station Manager finds Creep's messy video area. "I'm not cleaning this up!" He starts to clean it up. Creep arrives. Thuds on the soundtrack. Creep throws a wire around the Manager's neck, but a strangling is too weak for this movie so he just shoves him eye first onto a pipe and a stupid brain effect happens.
Movie Guy discovers Harlan was adopted. I don't care. They recognize the farm house so you know that this is going to lead to them trying to film there and the majority of them dying.
Movie Guy and Blondie head out. His mother apparently lied and said the original house was leveled. Why this wouldn't actually happen is confounding.
They arrive. "Why would my mom lie about it? We could've been shooting here the whole time." We're reminding of the adoption thing. Cut back to the opening jump stab. "We gotta go inside." Shut up, Movie Guy.
Inside. "Maybe this isn't a good idea." Hilarious. He's more concerned with footage. They find the bathroom. The movie obvious cuts back to the earlier scene cause we're short minded apparently.
Hear a noise. Go to investigate. Cut to Creep driving his van. Upstairs they go. "This is a baby's room!" "Reports never said anything about a baby." They decide to leave and Movie Guy's Mom appears for a jump scare. She tracked his cell. "So I can protect you." He can take care of himself. Blah Blah.
Creep be creepin in his van. Fast drive...well...Van fast. Arrives at the house. Everyone else is gone.
Back to the daggone school. Researching Harlan's real family. Turns out the Great Great Grandpa was a filmmaker. The film he made was "First by anybody" cause Edison 'no.' The opening black and white old time footage was this film. Meh.
"There has to be a record of [the baby]." Nate and Brianna are getting ready to skip and go to the concert. Guess she finally stopped being mad. Dude lost his cell again. Who is this guy? Yeah, at the house. Creep finds it.
Creep says he found the phone at "home." Sigh. Lanterns.Downstairs. Yeah nothing more exciting. He coughs up some blood. Blondie apparently is Movie Guy's chauffer. Creep arrives and hands off the phone. The point of this is awkwardness. Great stuff. Fantastic.
Cut to Blondie dropping Movie Guy off. He mocks her earlier Freaky Friday answer and then heads in to a movie store. His boss is a handicapped black man. Apparently, he knows of Louis De Prince (Harlan's relative)...and implies he was the devil. "Louis" = Lucifer. De Prince...of Darkness. Oy. Just...OY.
Creep loads a TV into his van. It comes on and is static-y. He watches, we don't Back to Boss implying that Louis De Prince filming "The exact movement of a person." implying he used this to steal souls. Louis's son...Adolph. Louis shot the movie to steal his son's soul and replace it with his own, possessing one generation of a time, becoming stronger...I feel so stupid just writing this.
Boss randomly pulls out the DVD of Louid De Prince in a place full of thousands. YEAH. SURE.
Hi Brianna. Looksl ike Blu-Ray cam is watching you. "Look at the camera" says a caller. She sees it. Creep slams his hand on the static screen and she screams and jump cuts around.
"And they all died after the filming." "Yeah, that's why the legend is legendary." Boss is now done with exposition so the scene ends.
Creep honks on a horn at night. Out comes Deputy Slater. "This is my house!" "I got the Baker girl. Camera in her bedroom." Deputy Slater is pumped. "I need something from a police file...the Harland Diehl files." This catches Slater offguard. He wants the raw-footage taken by Diehl. Tells a lie about a client wanting to see the sister naked. "Are you trying to strong arm me?!" "I'm motivating you." Slater tries to power trip, but possessed Creep don't care.
Meanwhile, Nate goes to pick up Brianna. She's gone dark-acting. He assumes she is mad because he was late. In the car, she pukes up some blood. He reacts by laughing. Best boyfriend ever. She elbows him in the face. Takes out his CD, breaks it, and stabs him. Bashes his head against the steering wheel until he's dead. Well, okay, then. Thankfully, I was lying when I said I'd care about him.
Next day. Deputy Slater enjoys himself a cigarette. The LT wants to see him. It's Movie Guy's Mom. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN. She asks if he knows Nate. Sends him to look for the dead teen. "Want me to help an old lady across the street on my way back?" She implies he has a bad reputation.
Movie Guy and Blondie talk to Yay Pizza. I give the worst names. Deputy Slater calls over Yay Pizza to ask about Nate...and oggle since she's his favorite girl Hangs onto her hand a second too long. "You're a good girl, aren't ya?" She admits to being in the choir. Slater reveals he used to be in the choir. She awkwardly waits for him to get to the point. He asks about Nate. "He's my sister's boyfriend." There you go. "Do you have a boyfriend?" Back off track.
Meanwhile Creep is downstairs at the one house.
YP calls the cop creepy to Movie Guy and Blondie. Movie Guy assures YP that "I'm sure she's fine." and we immediately cut to Brianna getting her throat cut.
Deputy Slater calls Creep and agrees to get the tape for bedroom footage. By the way, Creep has placed Brianna by the toliet in the farm house. The part she was playing in Movie guy's...eh...movie.
Next day. Yay Pizza gets up and notices Bear Camera. Stares at it. Creep smacks the TV so I guess that steals her soul. Meanwhile, Movie Guy's project is due and isn't done. We don't care.
Deputy Slater is watching a video. Fast forwards. Looking for "the tape." Movie Guy is looking for the Cliche Newsman from earlier. Deputy Slater watches another video. It's Dedicated Momma. He's interrupted before nudity. Doorbell leads to...Yay Pizza girl.
"Hi." "Hi." Yay is monotone so you know something is wrong with her. The Yay has left her spirit. Deputy Slater lets her inside. Lets it slip he's divorced. Slater acts nice. Tries to avoid staring. Frank Lions? Meh, Deputy Slater is better. "I know you watch me." so here we go.
"I don't mind." I don't think Deputy Slater is long for this movie. "How much do you pay him?" He plays dumb. Bad audio dub occurs.
Meanwhile, Creep van be creepin'. Following Blondie. Lies to her about having equipment for Movie guy...or does he. I don't know.
Back to Deputy Slater's. She seduces him in horribly monotoned ways. She points the camera at him and we get THOSE IRRITATING JUMP CUTS.
Back to Blondie. He tricks her into the van and tackles her. Meanwhile, Movie Guy is still tracking Cliche Newsman.
Deputy Slater reveals why Christian Slater took this role (you know, besides the paycheck) as the young attractive girl grinds on him. And....the boob shot is interrupted. Phone call. It's Creep. "She's going home. She does what I tell her to do." Slater wants her to stay...Creep wants the tapes.
Blondie is tied up in the van, by the way. Creep walks into Deputy Slater's home and the camera records him walking up and shooting him in the head. Well, that's a payday, Christian. Yay smiles. That was some crappy CGI blood.
Creep takes the tapes. Shoots the girl. Leaves them both. Blondie somehow senses who was shot.
Hey, Movie Guy is...still looking for Cliche Newsman. are you serious? Creep locks and loads the camera. We fast forward through the opening scene briefly.
Movie Guy finds Newsman. He's in a wheelchair.Asks about Harlan. "That was my last big story." Baby discussion. "I tried to follow up on that...I did some digging..."
Creep is still fast forwarding. We stop at the baby.
Newsman is babbling. "Something triggered...something or somebody. And they was that baby." Something about Harlan being against the baby being adopted out to another couple. Harlan apparently raped his adopted sister. Ta-da. And no one knows what happened to the baby. "Someone said that he was adopted by an officer on the scene." Of course, it's Movie Guy's mom revealing "that" twist.
So, Movie Guy looks for anyone to share this with, but his mom isn't home. Eventually the Creepmobile arrives. But it's empty when Movie Guy walks up to it. Knocks from the inside. He investigates. Finds Blondie. Gets jumped. Her POV shot blurs to indicate he's passing out. Wait, what?
Cut to CAMERA VIEW WITH CAMERA CUTS. Anyway, Movie Guy is Duct-taped all over and it's a setup to take his soul. "HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!" Okay, he's awake. Smack the TV and be done with it.
Nope, Creep turns his attention to Blondie first. "This is destiny and you get to be apart of it." He kisses her. By the way, he seems to be decaying. Or he has herpes. "He needs you...I need you."
Meanwhile, Cop Mom calls for her son. Creep answers. "He's busy right now." At least you didn't go with tied up. He hangs up on her. Movie Guy tries to bite his duct tape...and instantly gives up. Creep touches the TV screen. "Be patient my son." Let's get on with this.
TV screen statics to the touch. Blondie wide eyes. The Camera starts to emit a...I don't know. Movie Guy stares at it. Creep bleeds from the nose. Hand warps. POWER DIES. Wait...what?
Lantern's up. Blondie still wide eyed. Almsot instantly escapes after he leaves. Creep generators up...or some such nonsense. She goes upstairs. Manages to get him free. They run. Creep turns the TV on to find out they're gone.
Find Nate's dead body in the car...cause movie role. Run off cause obviously the car won't run. Sigh. They run. She falls because cliche. Creep cameras. I guess using nightvision. They bump into a wheel, making it turn so he'll know he's on the right path.
CORN FIELD! Well...okay. Creep babbles about "useless flesh" and being tired of using human bodies. Cause he's the devil or something.
No, seriously, Corn Field. Is this a neighboring farm? Or did someone crow a giant crop of corn on the abandoned farm. If so...go to that person's house for help.
Cop Mom arrives. Movie Guy goes to warn her, but Blondie stops him. Yeah, who wants to deal with a mother in law with a gun, am I right? Cop Mom finds Nate.
She goes to call it in and Creep goes after her. Movie Guy takes off after him. Must be a neighboring farm, cause it takes a few seconds to get there. We get Red/Nightvision to let us know where Creep is. Movie Guy calls out for his mother, allowing the proper amount of distraction for Creep to gun her down. Good job, dummy.
Creep tackles Movie Guy. Starts winning a hand-to-hand fight. Blondie cracks Creep with a weapon. Essentially this fight is Creep no-selling worse than John Cena. Head butts Movie guy. Takes his camera back. Goes to soul steal...but the battery goes dead. Sure, why not. Takes out the IPhone. Uses it to record.
We're getting desperate here.
Movie Guy bug eyes when waking and starts to black eye out...but Cop Mom rallies to shoot Creep with an entire clip cause she has a lot of momma grizzly in her or something. Blondie helps her.
Creep wakes up. Lifts the phone to face himself. We get the old-time footage. But one of the walking men disappears. Then Movie Guy wakes up. Bruised from the last night's activities. His mom in a hospital bed. Blondie just chillin.
TV Report declares it a copy-cat situation at the farm house. It's a recreate of the other scene where you wait for Creep to pounce up out of the stretcher, but instead Movie Guy gets a video message of Creep staring at him, which will apparently do the job...or something. I don't know. Movie ends.
Okay...that was...yep.
Score: 1 out of 5. An evil in technology film that is paint-by-numbers and not really that good for the most part. Pretty much all to say on it.
Netflix Summary: "Harlan Diehl slaughtered his family, capturing the deed on video. When students learning about the case watch the tape, they unleash a powerful evil."
Open OCT 21 1994
Video tape shots of random nonsense while flies buzz. The white static has mumbling over it, we pull back yet retain tape static/breaks. A bloody hand grabs a labeled tape. Walks upstairs. Dog barks. Static is annoying.
Nice crappy truck. Blood from dead body leaks down it. A person screams inside the house and we walk in to see a random person crawling and begging "For my baby." Static shows a doggie. Hi doggie. Woman is killed.
In bathroom, another dead woman. We cut out to show the person holding the camera, yet we still have these annoying edits/cuts.
Zoom in on the baby that stops crying when the killer arrive. Baby looks worried and we cut out to the earlier TV. This young man slams his hand on the TV. Baby waves at camera. Hi baby.
Light comes out of the camera as the person shoves their hand into the TV. Cop sirens bring things back to reality. This is Harlan running around, by the way. The cops signal his cue to run for it.
Dedicated Momma tries to stop him but he knocks her down and runs outside. The cops arrive. Pull guns. "WHO ELSE IS IN THE HOUSE?!" Yeah, good first question.
"PUT THE BABY DOWN!" There you go.Puts baby down by camera. Hands up. Dedicated Momma runs out and stabs him, but he chucks her off the porch. "PUT THE KNIFE DOWN!"
He dives off the porch with the knife, getting shot twice, and stabs the DM in the chest as the baby cries. Well...that could've been avoided.
Baby cries in slow motion as more cops arrive late. Irritating cut reverses things as we cut back to the static TV. Well, then. Black and white video of people walking. Close ups of the baby.
PLAYBACK.
IPhone. Dead body in a car with happy peppy music to let you know this is a recreation. A group of college students trying to recreate the the murders.
"This was a rehearsal." "That was take 12."
"Hide your face. You're playing the dad and you look like a teenager." "I am a teenager." Teen then requests a beer. Whooo. Party, amirite?!
So, Peppy music continues into take 13 and I already hate everyone in the daggone cast. This should go great. Split shot of him recording along with what he's recording. The pizza arrives mid shot, ruining the scene.
Cut to class with babbling teacher about journalism. Newspaper clips all over the back wall. "Yay Pizza!" girl is apparently a teacher's pet.
Cut to soccer! Uh...okay.Yay Pizza did a half hour presentation on bridges. Turns out this forced horror movie is for a project. Creepy van appears. This guy owns the camera he was using. "Can I invite him to the party?" "Too old and creepy."
The guy is quiet, shy, and wearing black. Main Guy babbles about the shoot and invites the guy to the party. He says no until a specific girl is mentioned. I have no clue who that is.
Asks Creepy to look into Harlan, but Creepy doesn't know about him. I think we're supposed to believe he's the baby...but it's probably main guy. First ten minute guess.
Creepy be smoking. Goes to the TV station. "What happened to that equipment." *Flips bird* Out, Creepy is a rebel. In to a dark basement we go.
Old computers everywhere...but who cares, it's time for a shot of the girls talking. It's a locker room so, someone is obviously recording it. This gets us our R-Level nudity for the film. This goes on during a discussion of how one girl is having a birthday, explaining the party. I swear one topless girl smiled at the camera.
Zoom out to show...HI CREEPY! And he recorded it. Cool story, bro. Gets a reminder text and finds some Harlan video.
Reporter gives cliche report on it. "A family of four...murdered!" "How could something like this happen...and WHY?" Phone call immediately after report. Wow, this guy is really pushy about his real footage. "In an hour."
CUT TO PARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTAY. People are immediately tackled into the pool to indicate PARTY! And PARTY MOOOOOONING. And Birthday Girl is Brianna. Now I know. He boyfriend got her a vibrator...as predicted.
Stupid jokes. Women profess that there are 4 different kinds of orgasms. We get this drug out longer than it should be. OH YES. OH NO. OH GOD. OH NATE!" Get it, cause that's his name and she always fakes it. GET IT.
Back to Creepy. He finds the raw murder footage.Watches it. It's static-y because screw you movie. The killer wakes up and dives at the camera at the end. It breaks the tape. Uh...okay.
Back to Party. Blonde Girl and Some Guy make out. Turns out Boyfriend did get the gift Brianna wanted, but she's too mad for him to stop and get them. It's tickets to a concert.
Creepy fixes the tape back to when Killer lunges at the camera. "RAWR!!!!!" Somehow this allows the killer to possess Creepy or some such nonsense. Cryptic mumbling. Head shaking. THOSE IRRITATING CUTS.
Creepy ends the scene, eyes wide, unmoving. Maybe he's just dead. Back at the scene of the murders...uh...nothing. Cut to a police car being pulled up to. Hey, it's Deputy Christian Slater.
He buys the lockerroom footage off Creepy. Oh, wonderful. PLUS SIDE, I GUESS
CREEPY was possessed.
Back to Party. "Top Horror Film, go!" "The Ring!" "Scream!" "Freaky Friday!" I hate you all. Freaky Friday is a 'horror movie' cause she turns into her mother. HA HA HA....
Creepy arrives to the party.He steals a sticky bow off a package and puts on his gift. Gives it to Brianna. She opens and finds...Blu-Ray player. She's insanely rude to him and walks off. Screw you, lady.
Creepy wanders off. "How do you know that guy again?" asks a person who heard the earlier conversation. Creepy huffs some stuff in the bathroom while odd drug taking music blares.
Lies down on...Brianna's bed? Daggone those freaking edits. Stuffed animals. He steals some sunglasses. Colors change. We get extreme close ups of teddy bears...he stabs one.
Hey, Deputy Slater. Get you some high school cam nudity. Pauses. This is apparently Michigan if his shirt is to be believed. He creepily pauses on Teacher's Pet/YAY Pizza girl. Implied masturbation.
KEG STAND!
Stabbed bear! He put a camera in the bear. Oh, for some extra profit, I suppose. Points it at the bed and heads out. It's a creep move, but to heck with Brianna.
Creep talks to Movie Guy. "mumble mumble flash drive." "Do you think you could put a word in for me down at the station." Movie Guy wants to make movies.
Creep informs him that "I don't make anything...I archive footage from 20 years ago. I sit there and look at nothin." And away Creep walks to his creepy van. Pulls up his Bear Camera.
Cut to next day. "Tell me about your project!" Movie Guy tells his mom about the Harlan Diehl project. Momma no approve. "It's not cool. It was a tragedy." He implies his mother doesn't help him and almost walks off without his phone. Yeah, right.
Back to blondie. Movie Guy's gal, I have figured. A shadow-y figure spies on her. She hears something. It ends up being...uh...someone stabbing her.
She runs and screams and is eventually killed at the door...and it's the movie. Nate complains about the shakey. Nate is supposed to be representing me as the "hates shakey cam" guy. Sure, Nate. I'll root for you.
Station Manager finds Creep's messy video area. "I'm not cleaning this up!" He starts to clean it up. Creep arrives. Thuds on the soundtrack. Creep throws a wire around the Manager's neck, but a strangling is too weak for this movie so he just shoves him eye first onto a pipe and a stupid brain effect happens.
Movie Guy discovers Harlan was adopted. I don't care. They recognize the farm house so you know that this is going to lead to them trying to film there and the majority of them dying.
Movie Guy and Blondie head out. His mother apparently lied and said the original house was leveled. Why this wouldn't actually happen is confounding.
They arrive. "Why would my mom lie about it? We could've been shooting here the whole time." We're reminding of the adoption thing. Cut back to the opening jump stab. "We gotta go inside." Shut up, Movie Guy.
Inside. "Maybe this isn't a good idea." Hilarious. He's more concerned with footage. They find the bathroom. The movie obvious cuts back to the earlier scene cause we're short minded apparently.
Hear a noise. Go to investigate. Cut to Creep driving his van. Upstairs they go. "This is a baby's room!" "Reports never said anything about a baby." They decide to leave and Movie Guy's Mom appears for a jump scare. She tracked his cell. "So I can protect you." He can take care of himself. Blah Blah.
Creep be creepin in his van. Fast drive...well...Van fast. Arrives at the house. Everyone else is gone.
Back to the daggone school. Researching Harlan's real family. Turns out the Great Great Grandpa was a filmmaker. The film he made was "First by anybody" cause Edison 'no.' The opening black and white old time footage was this film. Meh.
"There has to be a record of [the baby]." Nate and Brianna are getting ready to skip and go to the concert. Guess she finally stopped being mad. Dude lost his cell again. Who is this guy? Yeah, at the house. Creep finds it.
Creep says he found the phone at "home." Sigh. Lanterns.Downstairs. Yeah nothing more exciting. He coughs up some blood. Blondie apparently is Movie Guy's chauffer. Creep arrives and hands off the phone. The point of this is awkwardness. Great stuff. Fantastic.
Cut to Blondie dropping Movie Guy off. He mocks her earlier Freaky Friday answer and then heads in to a movie store. His boss is a handicapped black man. Apparently, he knows of Louis De Prince (Harlan's relative)...and implies he was the devil. "Louis" = Lucifer. De Prince...of Darkness. Oy. Just...OY.
Creep loads a TV into his van. It comes on and is static-y. He watches, we don't Back to Boss implying that Louis De Prince filming "The exact movement of a person." implying he used this to steal souls. Louis's son...Adolph. Louis shot the movie to steal his son's soul and replace it with his own, possessing one generation of a time, becoming stronger...I feel so stupid just writing this.
Boss randomly pulls out the DVD of Louid De Prince in a place full of thousands. YEAH. SURE.
Hi Brianna. Looksl ike Blu-Ray cam is watching you. "Look at the camera" says a caller. She sees it. Creep slams his hand on the static screen and she screams and jump cuts around.
"And they all died after the filming." "Yeah, that's why the legend is legendary." Boss is now done with exposition so the scene ends.
Creep honks on a horn at night. Out comes Deputy Slater. "This is my house!" "I got the Baker girl. Camera in her bedroom." Deputy Slater is pumped. "I need something from a police file...the Harland Diehl files." This catches Slater offguard. He wants the raw-footage taken by Diehl. Tells a lie about a client wanting to see the sister naked. "Are you trying to strong arm me?!" "I'm motivating you." Slater tries to power trip, but possessed Creep don't care.
Meanwhile, Nate goes to pick up Brianna. She's gone dark-acting. He assumes she is mad because he was late. In the car, she pukes up some blood. He reacts by laughing. Best boyfriend ever. She elbows him in the face. Takes out his CD, breaks it, and stabs him. Bashes his head against the steering wheel until he's dead. Well, okay, then. Thankfully, I was lying when I said I'd care about him.
Next day. Deputy Slater enjoys himself a cigarette. The LT wants to see him. It's Movie Guy's Mom. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN. She asks if he knows Nate. Sends him to look for the dead teen. "Want me to help an old lady across the street on my way back?" She implies he has a bad reputation.
Movie Guy and Blondie talk to Yay Pizza. I give the worst names. Deputy Slater calls over Yay Pizza to ask about Nate...and oggle since she's his favorite girl Hangs onto her hand a second too long. "You're a good girl, aren't ya?" She admits to being in the choir. Slater reveals he used to be in the choir. She awkwardly waits for him to get to the point. He asks about Nate. "He's my sister's boyfriend." There you go. "Do you have a boyfriend?" Back off track.
Meanwhile Creep is downstairs at the one house.
YP calls the cop creepy to Movie Guy and Blondie. Movie Guy assures YP that "I'm sure she's fine." and we immediately cut to Brianna getting her throat cut.
Deputy Slater calls Creep and agrees to get the tape for bedroom footage. By the way, Creep has placed Brianna by the toliet in the farm house. The part she was playing in Movie guy's...eh...movie.
Next day. Yay Pizza gets up and notices Bear Camera. Stares at it. Creep smacks the TV so I guess that steals her soul. Meanwhile, Movie Guy's project is due and isn't done. We don't care.
Deputy Slater is watching a video. Fast forwards. Looking for "the tape." Movie Guy is looking for the Cliche Newsman from earlier. Deputy Slater watches another video. It's Dedicated Momma. He's interrupted before nudity. Doorbell leads to...Yay Pizza girl.
"Hi." "Hi." Yay is monotone so you know something is wrong with her. The Yay has left her spirit. Deputy Slater lets her inside. Lets it slip he's divorced. Slater acts nice. Tries to avoid staring. Frank Lions? Meh, Deputy Slater is better. "I know you watch me." so here we go.
"I don't mind." I don't think Deputy Slater is long for this movie. "How much do you pay him?" He plays dumb. Bad audio dub occurs.
Meanwhile, Creep van be creepin'. Following Blondie. Lies to her about having equipment for Movie guy...or does he. I don't know.
Back to Deputy Slater's. She seduces him in horribly monotoned ways. She points the camera at him and we get THOSE IRRITATING JUMP CUTS.
Back to Blondie. He tricks her into the van and tackles her. Meanwhile, Movie Guy is still tracking Cliche Newsman.
Deputy Slater reveals why Christian Slater took this role (you know, besides the paycheck) as the young attractive girl grinds on him. And....the boob shot is interrupted. Phone call. It's Creep. "She's going home. She does what I tell her to do." Slater wants her to stay...Creep wants the tapes.
Blondie is tied up in the van, by the way. Creep walks into Deputy Slater's home and the camera records him walking up and shooting him in the head. Well, that's a payday, Christian. Yay smiles. That was some crappy CGI blood.
Creep takes the tapes. Shoots the girl. Leaves them both. Blondie somehow senses who was shot.
Hey, Movie Guy is...still looking for Cliche Newsman. are you serious? Creep locks and loads the camera. We fast forward through the opening scene briefly.
Movie Guy finds Newsman. He's in a wheelchair.Asks about Harlan. "That was my last big story." Baby discussion. "I tried to follow up on that...I did some digging..."
Creep is still fast forwarding. We stop at the baby.
Newsman is babbling. "Something triggered...something or somebody. And they was that baby." Something about Harlan being against the baby being adopted out to another couple. Harlan apparently raped his adopted sister. Ta-da. And no one knows what happened to the baby. "Someone said that he was adopted by an officer on the scene." Of course, it's Movie Guy's mom revealing "that" twist.
So, Movie Guy looks for anyone to share this with, but his mom isn't home. Eventually the Creepmobile arrives. But it's empty when Movie Guy walks up to it. Knocks from the inside. He investigates. Finds Blondie. Gets jumped. Her POV shot blurs to indicate he's passing out. Wait, what?
Cut to CAMERA VIEW WITH CAMERA CUTS. Anyway, Movie Guy is Duct-taped all over and it's a setup to take his soul. "HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!" Okay, he's awake. Smack the TV and be done with it.
Nope, Creep turns his attention to Blondie first. "This is destiny and you get to be apart of it." He kisses her. By the way, he seems to be decaying. Or he has herpes. "He needs you...I need you."
Meanwhile, Cop Mom calls for her son. Creep answers. "He's busy right now." At least you didn't go with tied up. He hangs up on her. Movie Guy tries to bite his duct tape...and instantly gives up. Creep touches the TV screen. "Be patient my son." Let's get on with this.
TV screen statics to the touch. Blondie wide eyes. The Camera starts to emit a...I don't know. Movie Guy stares at it. Creep bleeds from the nose. Hand warps. POWER DIES. Wait...what?
Lantern's up. Blondie still wide eyed. Almsot instantly escapes after he leaves. Creep generators up...or some such nonsense. She goes upstairs. Manages to get him free. They run. Creep turns the TV on to find out they're gone.
Find Nate's dead body in the car...cause movie role. Run off cause obviously the car won't run. Sigh. They run. She falls because cliche. Creep cameras. I guess using nightvision. They bump into a wheel, making it turn so he'll know he's on the right path.
CORN FIELD! Well...okay. Creep babbles about "useless flesh" and being tired of using human bodies. Cause he's the devil or something.
No, seriously, Corn Field. Is this a neighboring farm? Or did someone crow a giant crop of corn on the abandoned farm. If so...go to that person's house for help.
Cop Mom arrives. Movie Guy goes to warn her, but Blondie stops him. Yeah, who wants to deal with a mother in law with a gun, am I right? Cop Mom finds Nate.
She goes to call it in and Creep goes after her. Movie Guy takes off after him. Must be a neighboring farm, cause it takes a few seconds to get there. We get Red/Nightvision to let us know where Creep is. Movie Guy calls out for his mother, allowing the proper amount of distraction for Creep to gun her down. Good job, dummy.
Creep tackles Movie Guy. Starts winning a hand-to-hand fight. Blondie cracks Creep with a weapon. Essentially this fight is Creep no-selling worse than John Cena. Head butts Movie guy. Takes his camera back. Goes to soul steal...but the battery goes dead. Sure, why not. Takes out the IPhone. Uses it to record.
We're getting desperate here.
Movie Guy bug eyes when waking and starts to black eye out...but Cop Mom rallies to shoot Creep with an entire clip cause she has a lot of momma grizzly in her or something. Blondie helps her.
Creep wakes up. Lifts the phone to face himself. We get the old-time footage. But one of the walking men disappears. Then Movie Guy wakes up. Bruised from the last night's activities. His mom in a hospital bed. Blondie just chillin.
TV Report declares it a copy-cat situation at the farm house. It's a recreate of the other scene where you wait for Creep to pounce up out of the stretcher, but instead Movie Guy gets a video message of Creep staring at him, which will apparently do the job...or something. I don't know. Movie ends.
Okay...that was...yep.
Score: 1 out of 5. An evil in technology film that is paint-by-numbers and not really that good for the most part. Pretty much all to say on it.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption
THE SCORPION KING 3: Battle for Redemption
Apparently, after the Rock turned into Mutant X (Victor Webster), things went downhill fast, including his entire kingdom dying. Everyone. I'm meaning even stock footage Kelly Hu (Tastefully covered completely with a cloth when actual movie footage was needed).
So he becomes a Mercenary that gets hired by King Ron Perlman.
Meanwhile, Billy Zane plans to be evil because he's evil and kill King Ron Perlman. Plus Evil Billy Zane plans to evilly steal the Book of the Dead.
Apparently it's a suicide mission. How is this a "Suicide mission"? Oh heck with it.
Scorp gives King Ron the head of a military adviser. "He didn't seem to have a head for battle." Scorpion King sure is joke-y for a man with deep internal grief. So, King Ron gives him some exposition.
Scorp smirks, "The Gods will curse my passing and I welcome it." I guess that's one way to foreshadow.
Hello, Little John character. Who is also cracking jokes and acting like a big dumb comedic relief character. Complete with burping and random punching. "I SMELL LIKE A WARRIOR!" He won't shut up. I'm up to a burp count of 2. They're having a hair conversation. Seriously. Thus they have the "We fight in order to become friends" scene.
Random thieves try to rob them, but they're too busy fighting. So they leave. WITH THEIR HORSES. "Easiest robbing in years." WHY ARE THERE SO MANY JOKES! WHY MUST THEY QUIP EVERY SIX SECONDS. Yes, they tracked down the robbers and beat them up. Set one on fire who runs away, obviously. "At least you'll be able to see where you're going!"
Comic Relief Little John has 17 daughters according to dialogue. Is that funny? Oh, and Scorp gets grumpy when asked about his past. So, there is that NEVER ENDING INTERNAL PAIN!
They wake up to find a Tiger. Oh hai, Tiger. "Don't run." "I'M RUNNING!"
Meanwhile, King Ron gets more exposition. More references to the other films.
Billy Zane gets an evil scene with a random character by RIPPING HIS EAR OFF...AND MAKING A JOKE ABOUT "Might you hear me now?!" Daggone. Anyone, he's going to attack something.
Burp Count: 3.
Book Defender gets a speech. And cheers. Good for him. Time for an action scene. Flaming Arrows abound. Meanwhile from Little John, "I smell delicious."
EXPLOSION. There's your budget. After watching people being brutally exploded, Scorp and Little John join the party. Of course, cracking jokes along skulls.
ELEPHANT WARFARE!
Book Defender takes time to whine about the King not sending help since he has not seen Scorp yet.
THEY KILLED THE ELEPHANTS! FREAKING EVIL HENCHMEN!
Scorp and Little John use their knowledge of battle formations to set a fire trap. Wipe out the baddies nicely. Book Defender is happy.
They are introduced as "Arcadian and...This Guy." Please stop. The fact that there are only two, surprises Book Defender. Sidenote: There is no gold.
Everyone draws their swords except Little John because he's dumb. I hope the explanation is "We spent it on the Elephant." Book Defender offers a painting. The Ugliest daggone painting I have ever seen. MORE HUMOR. Little John loves it. MORE HUMOR! It's Book Defender's daughter and he offers her to Scorp. HUMOR!!!!
She's wearing a very important medallion. Burp Count: 4. Apparently, the daughter was kidnapped. So...go get her, Scorp. Little John finds it funny You and a princess?!" Subtle.
Meanwhile, Evil Billy Zane cracks joke about how horrible a shot his guards are while giggling with concubines. Also, he has the kidnapped girl who looks nothing like her painting.
Cut to King Ron owning people with sword skills. Practice, I suppose. More exposition is awarded to the viewers.
The elite two man squad of Scorp and Burp sneak up on Evil Billy Zane's Evil Camp. Burp Count: 5
A messenger brings Evil Billy Zane news of Scorp's defeat of his team. Assumes that "Cobra" assisted. Evil Billy Zane has the messenger killed. Ho-ho-ho.
So, a battle starts and we have more elephants to remind us the film was made in Thailand. We slo-mo a lot of this. And then a catapult flings fire at the NotEvil troops. Nice slo-mo shot of a fireball behind a trumpeting elephant. While Evil Billy Zane wipes out the troops, Scorp finds the princess and a fight scene.
Apparently, Cobra sent guards to take her. Scorp and Burp pursue. Evil Billy Zane randomly decides to visit her during the battle and discovers her gone.
Our Hero is bested in a sword fight with Cobra's henchninjas. One cuts him and I guess makes him mad, so he uses slomo to defeat them. But they rally and knock him down long enough to run. Escape on elephant.
Evil Billy Zane notices Scorp fighting, is impressed, and hires him to go get the girl, kill the Cobra.
Pee joke. Since he's peeing in their water supply, a ninja pops out of the water and kicks Burp in the crotch. So they're besieged by a dozen or so ninjas and defeated after various slo mo actions. The ninjas use their wire-fu to jump up trees, leaving Scorp with three to battle. I think we can safely assume that the princess is the Cobra.
Scorp beats up the three ninjas on him while Burp has success in random cuts. I think it's suppose to be a running joke that they keep knocking him into water. Scorp catches Cobra. Tears off the mask. Oh hai, Princess. Surprised, she twirls and KOs him.
She blows the news on Scorp being Scorp. "She heard about you from a fairy tale!" Thanks Burp. Bringing up his past is a no-no, so Scorp gets grumpy and leaves. Burp doesn't believe it.
Randomly cut to Evil Billy Zane having his troops attack the guy Scorp saved earlier. He can apparently see the fight in his telescope. Also, those catapults are long range AND DAGGONE IT, STOP SHOWING ME DEAD ELEPHANTS
Evil Billy Zane gets the Book of the Dead. Can read it with the medallion the princess had. Zane cracks a joke so bad that not even the cast laughs at it. Hits the book defender and takes him hostage so his Cobra Daughter can save him later.
Meanwhile, Scorp flashes back to ruining and entire kingdom. Cobra appears and they talk. He doesn't want to help because he failed one group of people and doesn't want to fail another. She talks him into it via fortune cookie nonsense.
Cut to Burp complaining to Scorp. Burp calls him 'Your highness' and we get a "I'll cut off your penis" joke. "You're going to need a bigger dagger." I'm weeping.
Cut to Cobra's crew trying to retrain Burp. He's shown himself to be a decent fighter, but of course he's now a klutz and runs headfirst into a dummy. Somehow, Scorp gets into a spar with the princess. "I don't know whose hair is prettier." Shut up, Burp.
Again, Scorp is over confident so she embarrasses him. She kicks him in the rib and quips about 'taking your breath away' Ugh. Anyway, Scorp and her are obivously crushing on each other. Good to see he's over the dead Kelly Hu.
Meanwhile, Evil Billy Zane reads the book and a hammer wielding Kimbo Slice with glowing eyes appears . Take that as you will. He reads it again. Oh hai Former WWE star Dave Batista. He reads it again and gets...an attractive Asian lady. Save the best for last. He has the three mini-video game bosses kill the troops he has with him.
Sends Kimbo and gal to go kill Cobra kai. Or just Cobra, either or.
Scorp and Burp share a scene. Burp had a vision of a massacre. Random. Takes his visions very seriously. They share a handshake. Cut scene over, we commence a boss battle.
Kimbo looks like an extreme version of Saba Simba. Kills some ninjas.
Asian lady has a forcefield and uses it to block attacks from Scorp and Burp.
Kimbo's hammer just lit on fire. He kills some ninjas with it. Allows them to attack him and no sells it. Scorp arrives. This somehow changes the tone. Scorp closelines Kimbo off a cliff. Ninjas use their wire ability and string up Kimbo. No, seriously. They tie rope to his legs and arms and suspend him in air.
Then Scorp takes the fire hammer and spits...I guess alcohol onto it, unleashing a big breath of fire that takes out Kimbo. Paycheck, complete.
Evil Billy Zane insults Asian Lady and Batista. Calls them slaves which doesn't make Dave very happy. Zane walks out of the room shouting "Slave" over and over before randomly singing it. Also, he declared a celebration for some reason.
Another "I have a plan" scene with Scorp. They ride up to the celebration with Princess tied up. Evil Billy Zane is happy. Announces a wedding. Announces he's going to sleep with her now and instead of after. She's not happy.
Burp gets drunk. This is funny. For some reason. I'm completely shocked that I didn't hear a burp. Then again, maybe my mind is rejecting them. They go to steal the necessary stuff.
Comedy scene with Zane trying to rape Princess and her doing things to stop him. Hilarious, as you can assume. Scorp jumps in and grabs Zane. Zane reaches into his pants and grabs a knife. The hades?! Anyway, the princess teases Scorp, Scorp disarms Zane. KOs him. Asian Lady appears. Princess signals her groups to attack.
Fight scenes are coming. Scorp/Princess v. Lady/Zane. Burp v. Batista. Oh wait, Zane steals the medallion back and runs. So, Princess sends Scorp after him. Girl Fight!
Meanwhile, Burp is about to have a bad day. Elsewhere, Chariot Chase Scene. Suddenly, Slo Mo like crazy. Followed by GIRL FIGHT! CHARIOT CHASE! BATISTA MAULING BURP!
Asian Lady's forcefield apparently doesn't work on punches. This scene is not showing me enough of Burp getting beat up. Scorp crashes a henchman chariot. More slo mo. Burp somehow is running out with the book. Batista follows. Thank goodness the book is solid because it's being used as a sheild. Batista
decapitates a statue. Zane throws a torch into his supplies to cause an explosion, causing Scorp to be momentarily stopped. This isn't very helpful when he rides out and sees an army of ticked off people and elephants waiting on him.
Time for Evil Billy Zane v. Scorp. Zane pulls his sword. Scorp pulls his. Zane drops his sword and pulls the medallion. His incantation doesn't work. So he throws the medallion to Scorp. Running out of options. "I will rise again, like a bad idea!" Oh, Zane, you're so Zany.
Elsewhere, Burp gets sliced across the chest and the Girl Fight has somehow got to their location. Scorp has found King Daddy and they read the incantation, stopping Batista and Lady from killing our esteemed side characters.
Zane meanwhile calls down the entire army onto himself in a random moment of toughness. He's slaughtered immediately.
King Daddy gives his approval to Princess Cobra. Then dies. Well, thanks for that, I suppose.
Hey, it's King Ron. Thanks for nothing. Scorp meets him. "You need more gold?" Scorp presents Zane's gold to King Ron. Informs him the people don't want a King. "Tell them this, it's not their decision." Oh, King Ron. Scorp then reveals that they have chosen him as their king. And Burp is still alive.
Scorp informs him they'll fight. Ron smiles. "Whether I give you my blessing or my blade, I respect you." Essentially, Ron says he'll go talk to his advisers on whether or not to come back and fight. Guess it depends on whether or not we do Scorpion King 4. They share a stare.
Movie over.
End credits involve drinking and celebration from Scorp and crew. Scorp and Princess share a rather unimpressive kiss. The end credits seem to be deleted scenes they couldn't shove into the actual film.
CC: Universal Studios.
Apparently, after the Rock turned into Mutant X (Victor Webster), things went downhill fast, including his entire kingdom dying. Everyone. I'm meaning even stock footage Kelly Hu (Tastefully covered completely with a cloth when actual movie footage was needed).
So he becomes a Mercenary that gets hired by King Ron Perlman.
Meanwhile, Billy Zane plans to be evil because he's evil and kill King Ron Perlman. Plus Evil Billy Zane plans to evilly steal the Book of the Dead.
Apparently it's a suicide mission. How is this a "Suicide mission"? Oh heck with it.
Scorp gives King Ron the head of a military adviser. "He didn't seem to have a head for battle." Scorpion King sure is joke-y for a man with deep internal grief. So, King Ron gives him some exposition.
Scorp smirks, "The Gods will curse my passing and I welcome it." I guess that's one way to foreshadow.
Hello, Little John character. Who is also cracking jokes and acting like a big dumb comedic relief character. Complete with burping and random punching. "I SMELL LIKE A WARRIOR!" He won't shut up. I'm up to a burp count of 2. They're having a hair conversation. Seriously. Thus they have the "We fight in order to become friends" scene.
Random thieves try to rob them, but they're too busy fighting. So they leave. WITH THEIR HORSES. "Easiest robbing in years." WHY ARE THERE SO MANY JOKES! WHY MUST THEY QUIP EVERY SIX SECONDS. Yes, they tracked down the robbers and beat them up. Set one on fire who runs away, obviously. "At least you'll be able to see where you're going!"
Comic Relief Little John has 17 daughters according to dialogue. Is that funny? Oh, and Scorp gets grumpy when asked about his past. So, there is that NEVER ENDING INTERNAL PAIN!
They wake up to find a Tiger. Oh hai, Tiger. "Don't run." "I'M RUNNING!"
Meanwhile, King Ron gets more exposition. More references to the other films.
Billy Zane gets an evil scene with a random character by RIPPING HIS EAR OFF...AND MAKING A JOKE ABOUT "Might you hear me now?!" Daggone. Anyone, he's going to attack something.
Burp Count: 3.
Book Defender gets a speech. And cheers. Good for him. Time for an action scene. Flaming Arrows abound. Meanwhile from Little John, "I smell delicious."
EXPLOSION. There's your budget. After watching people being brutally exploded, Scorp and Little John join the party. Of course, cracking jokes along skulls.
ELEPHANT WARFARE!
Book Defender takes time to whine about the King not sending help since he has not seen Scorp yet.
THEY KILLED THE ELEPHANTS! FREAKING EVIL HENCHMEN!
Scorp and Little John use their knowledge of battle formations to set a fire trap. Wipe out the baddies nicely. Book Defender is happy.
They are introduced as "Arcadian and...This Guy." Please stop. The fact that there are only two, surprises Book Defender. Sidenote: There is no gold.
Everyone draws their swords except Little John because he's dumb. I hope the explanation is "We spent it on the Elephant." Book Defender offers a painting. The Ugliest daggone painting I have ever seen. MORE HUMOR. Little John loves it. MORE HUMOR! It's Book Defender's daughter and he offers her to Scorp. HUMOR!!!!
She's wearing a very important medallion. Burp Count: 4. Apparently, the daughter was kidnapped. So...go get her, Scorp. Little John finds it funny You and a princess?!" Subtle.
Meanwhile, Evil Billy Zane cracks joke about how horrible a shot his guards are while giggling with concubines. Also, he has the kidnapped girl who looks nothing like her painting.
Cut to King Ron owning people with sword skills. Practice, I suppose. More exposition is awarded to the viewers.
The elite two man squad of Scorp and Burp sneak up on Evil Billy Zane's Evil Camp. Burp Count: 5
A messenger brings Evil Billy Zane news of Scorp's defeat of his team. Assumes that "Cobra" assisted. Evil Billy Zane has the messenger killed. Ho-ho-ho.
So, a battle starts and we have more elephants to remind us the film was made in Thailand. We slo-mo a lot of this. And then a catapult flings fire at the NotEvil troops. Nice slo-mo shot of a fireball behind a trumpeting elephant. While Evil Billy Zane wipes out the troops, Scorp finds the princess and a fight scene.
Apparently, Cobra sent guards to take her. Scorp and Burp pursue. Evil Billy Zane randomly decides to visit her during the battle and discovers her gone.
Our Hero is bested in a sword fight with Cobra's henchninjas. One cuts him and I guess makes him mad, so he uses slomo to defeat them. But they rally and knock him down long enough to run. Escape on elephant.
Evil Billy Zane notices Scorp fighting, is impressed, and hires him to go get the girl, kill the Cobra.
Pee joke. Since he's peeing in their water supply, a ninja pops out of the water and kicks Burp in the crotch. So they're besieged by a dozen or so ninjas and defeated after various slo mo actions. The ninjas use their wire-fu to jump up trees, leaving Scorp with three to battle. I think we can safely assume that the princess is the Cobra.
Scorp beats up the three ninjas on him while Burp has success in random cuts. I think it's suppose to be a running joke that they keep knocking him into water. Scorp catches Cobra. Tears off the mask. Oh hai, Princess. Surprised, she twirls and KOs him.
She blows the news on Scorp being Scorp. "She heard about you from a fairy tale!" Thanks Burp. Bringing up his past is a no-no, so Scorp gets grumpy and leaves. Burp doesn't believe it.
Randomly cut to Evil Billy Zane having his troops attack the guy Scorp saved earlier. He can apparently see the fight in his telescope. Also, those catapults are long range AND DAGGONE IT, STOP SHOWING ME DEAD ELEPHANTS
Evil Billy Zane gets the Book of the Dead. Can read it with the medallion the princess had. Zane cracks a joke so bad that not even the cast laughs at it. Hits the book defender and takes him hostage so his Cobra Daughter can save him later.
Meanwhile, Scorp flashes back to ruining and entire kingdom. Cobra appears and they talk. He doesn't want to help because he failed one group of people and doesn't want to fail another. She talks him into it via fortune cookie nonsense.
Cut to Burp complaining to Scorp. Burp calls him 'Your highness' and we get a "I'll cut off your penis" joke. "You're going to need a bigger dagger." I'm weeping.
Cut to Cobra's crew trying to retrain Burp. He's shown himself to be a decent fighter, but of course he's now a klutz and runs headfirst into a dummy. Somehow, Scorp gets into a spar with the princess. "I don't know whose hair is prettier." Shut up, Burp.
Again, Scorp is over confident so she embarrasses him. She kicks him in the rib and quips about 'taking your breath away' Ugh. Anyway, Scorp and her are obivously crushing on each other. Good to see he's over the dead Kelly Hu.
Meanwhile, Evil Billy Zane reads the book and a hammer wielding Kimbo Slice with glowing eyes appears . Take that as you will. He reads it again. Oh hai Former WWE star Dave Batista. He reads it again and gets...an attractive Asian lady. Save the best for last. He has the three mini-video game bosses kill the troops he has with him.
Sends Kimbo and gal to go kill Cobra kai. Or just Cobra, either or.
Scorp and Burp share a scene. Burp had a vision of a massacre. Random. Takes his visions very seriously. They share a handshake. Cut scene over, we commence a boss battle.
Kimbo looks like an extreme version of Saba Simba. Kills some ninjas.
Asian lady has a forcefield and uses it to block attacks from Scorp and Burp.
Kimbo's hammer just lit on fire. He kills some ninjas with it. Allows them to attack him and no sells it. Scorp arrives. This somehow changes the tone. Scorp closelines Kimbo off a cliff. Ninjas use their wire ability and string up Kimbo. No, seriously. They tie rope to his legs and arms and suspend him in air.
Then Scorp takes the fire hammer and spits...I guess alcohol onto it, unleashing a big breath of fire that takes out Kimbo. Paycheck, complete.
Evil Billy Zane insults Asian Lady and Batista. Calls them slaves which doesn't make Dave very happy. Zane walks out of the room shouting "Slave" over and over before randomly singing it. Also, he declared a celebration for some reason.
Another "I have a plan" scene with Scorp. They ride up to the celebration with Princess tied up. Evil Billy Zane is happy. Announces a wedding. Announces he's going to sleep with her now and instead of after. She's not happy.
Burp gets drunk. This is funny. For some reason. I'm completely shocked that I didn't hear a burp. Then again, maybe my mind is rejecting them. They go to steal the necessary stuff.
Comedy scene with Zane trying to rape Princess and her doing things to stop him. Hilarious, as you can assume. Scorp jumps in and grabs Zane. Zane reaches into his pants and grabs a knife. The hades?! Anyway, the princess teases Scorp, Scorp disarms Zane. KOs him. Asian Lady appears. Princess signals her groups to attack.
Fight scenes are coming. Scorp/Princess v. Lady/Zane. Burp v. Batista. Oh wait, Zane steals the medallion back and runs. So, Princess sends Scorp after him. Girl Fight!
Meanwhile, Burp is about to have a bad day. Elsewhere, Chariot Chase Scene. Suddenly, Slo Mo like crazy. Followed by GIRL FIGHT! CHARIOT CHASE! BATISTA MAULING BURP!
Asian Lady's forcefield apparently doesn't work on punches. This scene is not showing me enough of Burp getting beat up. Scorp crashes a henchman chariot. More slo mo. Burp somehow is running out with the book. Batista follows. Thank goodness the book is solid because it's being used as a sheild. Batista
decapitates a statue. Zane throws a torch into his supplies to cause an explosion, causing Scorp to be momentarily stopped. This isn't very helpful when he rides out and sees an army of ticked off people and elephants waiting on him.
Time for Evil Billy Zane v. Scorp. Zane pulls his sword. Scorp pulls his. Zane drops his sword and pulls the medallion. His incantation doesn't work. So he throws the medallion to Scorp. Running out of options. "I will rise again, like a bad idea!" Oh, Zane, you're so Zany.
Elsewhere, Burp gets sliced across the chest and the Girl Fight has somehow got to their location. Scorp has found King Daddy and they read the incantation, stopping Batista and Lady from killing our esteemed side characters.
Zane meanwhile calls down the entire army onto himself in a random moment of toughness. He's slaughtered immediately.
King Daddy gives his approval to Princess Cobra. Then dies. Well, thanks for that, I suppose.
Hey, it's King Ron. Thanks for nothing. Scorp meets him. "You need more gold?" Scorp presents Zane's gold to King Ron. Informs him the people don't want a King. "Tell them this, it's not their decision." Oh, King Ron. Scorp then reveals that they have chosen him as their king. And Burp is still alive.
Scorp informs him they'll fight. Ron smiles. "Whether I give you my blessing or my blade, I respect you." Essentially, Ron says he'll go talk to his advisers on whether or not to come back and fight. Guess it depends on whether or not we do Scorpion King 4. They share a stare.
Movie over.
End credits involve drinking and celebration from Scorp and crew. Scorp and Princess share a rather unimpressive kiss. The end credits seem to be deleted scenes they couldn't shove into the actual film.
CC: Universal Studios.
Score: 2 out of 5. Man, the jokes did not land for the mass majority of this movie. Also, for the most part, the film felt like a rejected Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episode salted with references to The Mummy series.
Random Thought:
So, The Mummy is a remake slash reimaging of the original Universal classic that starred Boris Karloff. The Mummy is a sequel to the remake that introduced the Scorpion King. The Scorpion King is a prequel to the sequel to a remake. The Scorpion King 2 is a prequel to the prequel of the sequel to a remake. Therefore, The Scorpion King 3 is a sequel to the second prequel meaning it's still a sequel to prequel to the sequel to the remake of the original 1933 The Mummy.
I have no clue what I was going for with this.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
TEKKEN
TEKKEN
Here we go.
"After the terror wars, the government fell." And corporations took control. 8 companies survived and took their own segment. They are known as Iron Fist. Tekken took control of America.
Tournament. Kill or be killed. Once a year. Outside the wall, "it all started." How many movies have had the "corporations take control" set up?
Anyway, we get clips of people fighting before cutting to "Five Days Earlier." Some guy is fleeing from people with guns because, well...that's usually a better way to avoid getting shot.
A shot of Cary H-T [Mortal Kombat's Shang Tsung] is always good for a martial arts villain.
The opening credits obsession with randomly freezing to show off a name before going back to action is rather annoying.
Aww, they shot the chickens. The only thing sadder is this generic blast of music on the soundtrack. More fleeing. Our...hero(?) notices armed guards in the same area so he runs towards them and then hides. His attackers get mistaken for enemies and are mowed down. Well...that happened.
So this guy goes to a building and knocks. "This is real music, not that corportate ****." Apparently, the corps have banned the Beatles. Of course, we can't play a Beatles song either cause that would cost too much. Anyway, guy delivers some sort of device to the rambling mess of a cliche fight the power character. "You said Global dollars." "I say alot of things. I drink." Main Character gets his Global $$.
Jin. He called him Jin, so this is Jin Kazama. Gotcha. Cut to the Iron Fist tournament announcement by our villain, Heihachi Mishima.
Martial Law apparently lost a fluke and has to fight for a wild card spot. I guess that's foreshadowing to Jin beating him. Jin buys him some illegal coffee, oranges, and chocolate. Scandalous.
Jin gets confronted by two men. "You're tough men. I used to watch you fight." They want him to enter the tournament for the good of the people. He says no. Reluctant hero.
Cut to Mishima. Fighters from home corportations are on their way. Mishima gives control to his son Kazuya for the duration of the tourny.
His son asked why he wasn't allowed to give the speech in order to pass on the torch. He's basically told to watch his mouth and stay in his place.
Jin returns home to his mother Jun. Gives her the orange he bought...Awwww. And the coffee, too. "Running Anti-Tekken contraband will get you killed!" She scolds any idea of him being in the tourny.
"The World burned because people wanted more." He asks about his father, she says he's dead. Luke...look inside. You know the truth
Anyway, he meets a cute blond girl. Kara. Gives her the chocolate. Okay then, Robin Hero.
Cut to the rebels. They'll be able to break in for 60 seconds. Are pumped about it. Meanwhile, Hero is about to get 'lucky.' BOOM Rebels get a surprise visit from eager to please son, Kazuya.
They "Backtracked" the hack. Cliche Rebel reaches for a gun. Disarmed. "The revolution will not be televised." And then they shoot him. Cut to them going after Jin. And his mother. His mom fights back, briefly. They want Jin.
Kazuya is made aware that "We have located the insurgents." "Burn everything and everyone." Cue a rocket into Jun's house just a Jin is rounding a corner to come help her. Dead mother. Is this a Disney movie, now?
So, Jin finds pictures in the burning the building and has an exposition flashback to her training him as he obviously decides to enter/win the tournament for revenge. He finds a card...his mother once competed in Tekken. His girl appears so he can express his guilt and anger. "He's gonna pay for what he has done!"
"Has an unknown ever won a spot in an open call?" "No."
Gee...I guess Jin is going to break the trend. Meanwhile, actor Luke Goss is looking for a fighter. Jin signs up.
Cut to fighting in a chain link cage. A big man who volunteered changes his mind when someone is nearly broken in half by Marshall Law. So, it's Jin/Law...who could have ever seen this coming?!
People watching on TV recognize Jin. Law spits on Jin's feet. The announcer's talk about how Jin is doomed. Cue Jin dominating.
The Mishimas are shown watching. Eventually, Jin goes for an armbar but Law impossiblely flips him and takes over. The music tells us this is bad. Jin falls to the mat. Seemingly out, but as Law goes for the final blow, he has the even convenient flashback to his mother's teachings. "If you can still breathe, you can
still fight." So...yeah. He fights back and wins.
"Ratings are up." states young Mishima. Oh goody? Goss clings close to Jin. Since they've known each other for 2 minutes, Jin shares his mother's death with Goss. Goss volunteers to be his agent.
"What's in it for you?"
"30 %."
"You'll take 10."
They agree on 20. I'm just recapping this because the movie shows Jin travelling while having flashbacks to stuff that happened 10 minutes ago.
Then we show Kazuya Mishima surrounded by women. But he's too busy complaining that his father won't give him control in-between cuts of him making love. Hateful, hateful love.
Later, as he gets a drink, his father appears. Scolds him for not making preparations. About the importance of the tournmanet. But the son is still in sad child mode about the whole thing.
Jin arrives with Goss. But we cut to Son Mishima giving comments/notes of the other fighters. Raven. Eddie Gordo. Dragonov. And so on and so on. Christie. Rojo. Yoshimitsu. "A true samurai warrior." and Bryan Fury. We then cut to training of said people.
Goss gives Jin an outfit. Just like what he has in the game, but Jin rejects it. Ha Ha...ha? The other figthers make remarks about Jin. Mostly underestimating him. Then a few randomly pose for the camera. that's the only way to explain those shots.
Jin stares at Christie. He compliments her toes. This breaks the ice easily enough. Goss interrupts the flirting.
So we cut to the start of the tournament and the tournament's over produced show. Fighters get introduced...again.
Nina. Anna. I forgot them earlier.
Goss says, "You feel sick? Gonna puke?" "Already did that." Ha?
Son Mishima is worried about Jin's "style." Subtle foreshadowing for anyone who knows Tekken's background.
RAVEN VS. EDDIE GORDO
So, Eddie flips around like a rookie mashing buttons. Hits a few moves. Raven gets out of a leg lock. "Bring it on, boy!" Eddie doesn't really haven an accent. So they fight some more as the camera has a mild seizure. Finally, Raven gets the full mount and pounds Gordo into unconciousness.
MIGUEL ROJO VS. JIN THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE
Christie wishes Jin luck.
Goss: "This guy thinks he's the second coming." Followed by some advice to chop the guy down. A bad habit that can be exploited. I'm sure it won't help Jin to win the fight at all.
Jin starts with an attack. Rojo reverses and sends him flying. "Not in their league." Son Mishima. "You know where you are? This is IRON FIST!" Thanks, Rojo. I thought I was in Sparta.
Jin starts blocking and dominating. Then does a backflip leg drop style move to try and impress Christie. This let's Rojo recover some since it's more flash than bash. They trade back and forth attacks until Rojo tosses him like garbage. We cut to the other fighters chatting about the fight.
Jin has his magical "Mommy Memory" and powers up for the win using the advice that Goss gave him and breaking Rojo's leg before planting a dropkick into his back.
Then he has memories of something he didn't even freaking see and pounds Rojo some more until Goss calls him off.
"You were saying?" Father Mishima seems impressed. Smirks.
Son Mishima appears while Goss is talking to Jin. This allows his backstory to be mentioned. Steve Fox. Former Boxer.
Son mentions that Father was impressed. "I would like to thank ' Mr. Mishima for this opportunity in person." Not happening.
Cut to Jin training. Mommy Memories helping him to become a more complete fighter and break the training post. Christie stalks him as he does it.
Christie says she has to "get out of here for a while" which is against the rules. Jin points that out and she states "Not if you dont' get caught." Oh, rebelous bad girl. The camera reminds us that she's good looking
Elsewhere, Son Mishima is checking information on Jin and discovers that Jun was his mother.
It may be against the rules to leave, but that doesn't mean you should hide yourself in public. In fact, allow the DJ to announce you've entered the club.
Christie tells Jin the tournament isn't about killing. "I guess I should be more like you." "You don't know anything about me." Cue Jin babbling background of her. More shots to remind us that Christie is a rather attractive lady.
So, they make out on the dance floor then we cut to them sneaking back in despite the fact there are NUMEROUS WITNESSES THAT THEY LEFT. Anyway, they make out some more. "I need sleep. I have to kick your *** tomorrow morning." Oh, so witty, Ms. Christie.
She leaves and suddenly there are assassins in Jin's room trying to kill him while strobe lights...uh...strobe? Anyway, Christie hears this and returns to help him. They aren't revealed but it was obviously Nina and Anna.
Cut to Goss ranting about how this was done to keep him from winning. So, Jin reveals his mother's Tekken Card. "Jun...I knew her." states Goss. "She was a Tekken fighter." Duh?
"Why didn't she say anything?!" To protect him according to Goss. He reveals he doesn't care about the tournament, intending to kill Father Mishima. Elsewhere, Nina and Anna get yelled at by Son.
He shows his anger by beating up a henchmen like all good cliche villains. Next day...
CHRISTIE MONTARO VS NINA WILLIAMS
Jin states that he believes Nina was one of the assassins which inspire Christie to fight harder, I suppose.
Kicks and kick and blocks and kicks. The girls trade jabs and insults. Camera zooms in and out like broken automatic binoculars. I hate you, Shakey Cam. Christie wins because...duh. That's why.
Elsewhere, Son Mishima offers big time money to Bryan Fury to kill Jin. "Bio-enhancements are illegal...you're half robot. You'll be banned for life." With that helpful bit of blackmail, he goes to
rig the fight set-up.
JIN THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE VS. YOSHIMITSU
Wait, what? Anyway, Goss gives Jin some power gloves. No Nintendo jokes because I'm not a lazy bum. Jin's video game costume continues to evolve.
Suddenly, Father Mishima goes to change the fight. Son demands this not happen. Shoots his father's bodyguard. "The Jackhammers answer to me." "Don't do this." "It's done." Amazing dialogue.
So I guess if Jin makes it past Yoshi, he gets Fury, I have a feeling. In other words, the most likely to kill him. Well, time to overcome the odds.
FIGHT! Zoom in and out as they dual with weapons. Yoshimitsu with his sword. Jin with some sort of weapon that has it's blade shatter easily leaving him with a staff. That gets sliced quicker.
Disarms Yoshi. Gets slammed to ground. Many, many cuts. "Ratings! Through the roof!" Yay? Son gives the signal to Yoshi to kill Jin. Causing a flurry of damage to the hero. Goss is ready to throw in the towel.
"There is NO honor in this." Son Mishima reveals that Jin is his son. Realizing that means he has a grandson, Father Mishima starts busting people up.
Meanwhile, Jin harnesses his Mommy Memories to beat Yoshimitsu. Guards hold down the Grandfather Mishima.
Goss and Christie help an injured Jin up as other fighters are captured by security/Jackhammers. They all get caught.
In the prison, Raven is rather ticked off. But helps replace Jin's dislocated shoulder.
Son Mishima then monologues. "Ratings spiked to their highest lever ever..." so all fights are now to the death. Reminds me of "The Quick and the Dead" which is a much better revenge tournament movie at the moment.
Raven is down for the fighting to the death but first, he's going to mess up some guards for daring to arrest him. The rest go for a jail break.
Goss got a gun. He can't use it very well, but he's got it. Raven is taking out more ARMED GUARDS with right crosses. Jin finds Father Mishima. Taunts him for being behind bars. Holy crap, Raven has a gun and now he's even deadlier. NOOOOOOOOOO RAVEN!!!! Yeah, he's shot. Knocked out. Perhaps killed.
They let Mishima loose. He doesn't run as much as power walk. Jin knows of a safehouse so they head for it as "Jackhammers" persue.
Rebelous son, Kazuya sends out troops to find them. Cut to Jin being treated by Christie until Haichai asks for a moment to speak with him. They banter. "We brought humanity from the brink. Tekken is peace." "Tekken is fear!"
Grandfather Mishima reveals he saved Jun's life, having her taken care of after Kazuya abused and nearly killed her. With this helpful exposition out of the way, the Jackhammers find them.
Fight scene. Goss gets shot down. The others get captured. Christie is tased. Kazuya appears. "Tekken belongs to me." We've got a family crisis. Anyway, after being scolded, Kazuya orders his father be executed. But doesn't stick around to see it because he's a Bond villain.
"I am Hayatchi Mishima. I. Am. Tekken." And the building explodes. Did that henchman have the wrong weapon?
Anyway, Son Mishima gives a speech at the Tekken show announcing the fights to the death which makes the Romans very happy.
DRAGONOV VS. BRYAN FURY
When did either one of these people advance?! So they fight. Dragonov slashes Fury's stomach. Dominates early. When weapons are knocked away, Fury starts to turn the tide with his bio-enhanced advantage. Wraps a chain around Dragonov's Neck and flips him. Kills him.
Cut to Raven with a wound. HE LIVES. Also, Jin's hands are all messed up.
"What, no hug for your old man?" Jin charges Kazuya. Then reveals that he would've killed her if he knew she was pregnant. You know, that way everyone figures out he's the villain.
He tells Jin he must fight Bryan Fury to get a shot at him. Threatens Christie who must be out of the tournament or something.
Christie is defiant, so Kazuya hits her. Elsewhere, Raven gives words of encouragement to Jin. "Anger doesn't fuel the fighter's soul. It incinerates it. I saw greatness in you...You're fighting for all of us." Heroic soundtrack. Jin clinches his bloody fists.
Oh boy, he must be pumped he's having a serious of memories already. Nice of the movie to recap itself. I almost forgot about the useless Rebel character. I mean, it's recapping the movie and splashing in Mommy Memories. With this much of a power-up, I expect him to instantly rip out Fury's heart.
BRYAN FURY VS. JIN THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE
This is the Finals? What happened to everyone else in the tourny? "Ain't nothin gonna save you now, boy."
Cue fight. Start with a reminder fo Fury's cibernetic self. Fury no-sells a kick. Wraps bullets are his hand. Punches the hero a bit.
Mommy Memories kick in and Jin rallies. People start a "Jin" chant. Jin climbs the top of a structure and does a Flying kick to the face. Unlike Sid Vicious, his other leg doesn't shatter upon landing. Anyway, Bryan Fury is dead from Two Story Fall Face Kick.
Angered Kazuya storms out to fight Jin. Brings some axes. Does some more evil monologue and then they fight. Slashes Jin in the shoulder "Your mother taught you many styles." He sees the look of anger in Jin's eyes. So, now Jin has to restrain his anger or lose. That'll happen in a mommy memory about a minute from now.
Kazuya roughs up Jin some more. Jin bleeding terribly. Going for the kill, Kaz is distracted when Christie makes a break for it. Jin grabs and axe and gets a good shot on his father. Goes to kill him but stops. Shucks, he overcame his need for the mommy memory, too. Hands the axe to Christie. "You won." She raises his arm and announces him as the winner.
Our random noise announcers declare him the greatest champion ever.
Wow, upon thinking on it, that last fight was underwhelming.
So a battered, bleeding Jin stumbles down a hall and puts on a leather jacket. The Jackhammers are about. They line up for him. Show loyalty.
Christie Voiceover tells us that things became a whole lot better.And then some comment about the true legacy of Tekken just beginning...
Followed by credits. The credits intercut with "highlights" of the characters. Including Steve Fox/Goss whose main effort is looking at the camera or shooting a gun. Did Anna do...anything of value in this movie?
After Credits. We reveal that Hayatchi's I AM TEKKEN got the guard to let him go.
Score: 2.5/5 An amazingly passable action tournament film, at least to someone with no real knowledge of the games it is based on. Some half fun fights plagued by shakey cam. If you're bored...well, probably just watch The Quest starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.
And now...I try and figure out the bracket!
Combatants.
Raven
Gordo
Jin
Dragonov
Nina
Anna
Christie
Rojo
YoshiMitsu
Bryan Fury
Raven d. Gordo
Christie d. Anna
Jin d. Rojo
Fury d. ??? (First Round Bye as Champ?)
Mitsu d ??? (First Round Bye as Former Champ?)
Dragunov d ???
??? d. Nina (So, Dragunov beat Nina?)
Jin d. Mistu
Fury d. Dragonov
Christie/Raven never fight. (Refuses to Compete/Injured?)
Jin d. Fury
Here we go.
"After the terror wars, the government fell." And corporations took control. 8 companies survived and took their own segment. They are known as Iron Fist. Tekken took control of America.
Tournament. Kill or be killed. Once a year. Outside the wall, "it all started." How many movies have had the "corporations take control" set up?
Anyway, we get clips of people fighting before cutting to "Five Days Earlier." Some guy is fleeing from people with guns because, well...that's usually a better way to avoid getting shot.
A shot of Cary H-T [Mortal Kombat's Shang Tsung] is always good for a martial arts villain.
The opening credits obsession with randomly freezing to show off a name before going back to action is rather annoying.
Aww, they shot the chickens. The only thing sadder is this generic blast of music on the soundtrack. More fleeing. Our...hero(?) notices armed guards in the same area so he runs towards them and then hides. His attackers get mistaken for enemies and are mowed down. Well...that happened.
So this guy goes to a building and knocks. "This is real music, not that corportate ****." Apparently, the corps have banned the Beatles. Of course, we can't play a Beatles song either cause that would cost too much. Anyway, guy delivers some sort of device to the rambling mess of a cliche fight the power character. "You said Global dollars." "I say alot of things. I drink." Main Character gets his Global $$.
Jin. He called him Jin, so this is Jin Kazama. Gotcha. Cut to the Iron Fist tournament announcement by our villain, Heihachi Mishima.
Martial Law apparently lost a fluke and has to fight for a wild card spot. I guess that's foreshadowing to Jin beating him. Jin buys him some illegal coffee, oranges, and chocolate. Scandalous.
Jin gets confronted by two men. "You're tough men. I used to watch you fight." They want him to enter the tournament for the good of the people. He says no. Reluctant hero.
Cut to Mishima. Fighters from home corportations are on their way. Mishima gives control to his son Kazuya for the duration of the tourny.
His son asked why he wasn't allowed to give the speech in order to pass on the torch. He's basically told to watch his mouth and stay in his place.
Jin returns home to his mother Jun. Gives her the orange he bought...Awwww. And the coffee, too. "Running Anti-Tekken contraband will get you killed!" She scolds any idea of him being in the tourny.
"The World burned because people wanted more." He asks about his father, she says he's dead. Luke...look inside. You know the truth
Anyway, he meets a cute blond girl. Kara. Gives her the chocolate. Okay then, Robin Hero.
Cut to the rebels. They'll be able to break in for 60 seconds. Are pumped about it. Meanwhile, Hero is about to get 'lucky.' BOOM Rebels get a surprise visit from eager to please son, Kazuya.
They "Backtracked" the hack. Cliche Rebel reaches for a gun. Disarmed. "The revolution will not be televised." And then they shoot him. Cut to them going after Jin. And his mother. His mom fights back, briefly. They want Jin.
Kazuya is made aware that "We have located the insurgents." "Burn everything and everyone." Cue a rocket into Jun's house just a Jin is rounding a corner to come help her. Dead mother. Is this a Disney movie, now?
So, Jin finds pictures in the burning the building and has an exposition flashback to her training him as he obviously decides to enter/win the tournament for revenge. He finds a card...his mother once competed in Tekken. His girl appears so he can express his guilt and anger. "He's gonna pay for what he has done!"
"Has an unknown ever won a spot in an open call?" "No."
Gee...I guess Jin is going to break the trend. Meanwhile, actor Luke Goss is looking for a fighter. Jin signs up.
Cut to fighting in a chain link cage. A big man who volunteered changes his mind when someone is nearly broken in half by Marshall Law. So, it's Jin/Law...who could have ever seen this coming?!
People watching on TV recognize Jin. Law spits on Jin's feet. The announcer's talk about how Jin is doomed. Cue Jin dominating.
The Mishimas are shown watching. Eventually, Jin goes for an armbar but Law impossiblely flips him and takes over. The music tells us this is bad. Jin falls to the mat. Seemingly out, but as Law goes for the final blow, he has the even convenient flashback to his mother's teachings. "If you can still breathe, you can
still fight." So...yeah. He fights back and wins.
"Ratings are up." states young Mishima. Oh goody? Goss clings close to Jin. Since they've known each other for 2 minutes, Jin shares his mother's death with Goss. Goss volunteers to be his agent.
"What's in it for you?"
"30 %."
"You'll take 10."
They agree on 20. I'm just recapping this because the movie shows Jin travelling while having flashbacks to stuff that happened 10 minutes ago.
Then we show Kazuya Mishima surrounded by women. But he's too busy complaining that his father won't give him control in-between cuts of him making love. Hateful, hateful love.
Later, as he gets a drink, his father appears. Scolds him for not making preparations. About the importance of the tournmanet. But the son is still in sad child mode about the whole thing.
Jin arrives with Goss. But we cut to Son Mishima giving comments/notes of the other fighters. Raven. Eddie Gordo. Dragonov. And so on and so on. Christie. Rojo. Yoshimitsu. "A true samurai warrior." and Bryan Fury. We then cut to training of said people.
Goss gives Jin an outfit. Just like what he has in the game, but Jin rejects it. Ha Ha...ha? The other figthers make remarks about Jin. Mostly underestimating him. Then a few randomly pose for the camera. that's the only way to explain those shots.
Jin stares at Christie. He compliments her toes. This breaks the ice easily enough. Goss interrupts the flirting.
So we cut to the start of the tournament and the tournament's over produced show. Fighters get introduced...again.
Nina. Anna. I forgot them earlier.
Goss says, "You feel sick? Gonna puke?" "Already did that." Ha?
Son Mishima is worried about Jin's "style." Subtle foreshadowing for anyone who knows Tekken's background.
RAVEN VS. EDDIE GORDO
So, Eddie flips around like a rookie mashing buttons. Hits a few moves. Raven gets out of a leg lock. "Bring it on, boy!" Eddie doesn't really haven an accent. So they fight some more as the camera has a mild seizure. Finally, Raven gets the full mount and pounds Gordo into unconciousness.
MIGUEL ROJO VS. JIN THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE
Christie wishes Jin luck.
Goss: "This guy thinks he's the second coming." Followed by some advice to chop the guy down. A bad habit that can be exploited. I'm sure it won't help Jin to win the fight at all.
Jin starts with an attack. Rojo reverses and sends him flying. "Not in their league." Son Mishima. "You know where you are? This is IRON FIST!" Thanks, Rojo. I thought I was in Sparta.
Jin starts blocking and dominating. Then does a backflip leg drop style move to try and impress Christie. This let's Rojo recover some since it's more flash than bash. They trade back and forth attacks until Rojo tosses him like garbage. We cut to the other fighters chatting about the fight.
Jin has his magical "Mommy Memory" and powers up for the win using the advice that Goss gave him and breaking Rojo's leg before planting a dropkick into his back.
Then he has memories of something he didn't even freaking see and pounds Rojo some more until Goss calls him off.
"You were saying?" Father Mishima seems impressed. Smirks.
Son Mishima appears while Goss is talking to Jin. This allows his backstory to be mentioned. Steve Fox. Former Boxer.
Son mentions that Father was impressed. "I would like to thank ' Mr. Mishima for this opportunity in person." Not happening.
Cut to Jin training. Mommy Memories helping him to become a more complete fighter and break the training post. Christie stalks him as he does it.
Christie says she has to "get out of here for a while" which is against the rules. Jin points that out and she states "Not if you dont' get caught." Oh, rebelous bad girl. The camera reminds us that she's good looking
Elsewhere, Son Mishima is checking information on Jin and discovers that Jun was his mother.
It may be against the rules to leave, but that doesn't mean you should hide yourself in public. In fact, allow the DJ to announce you've entered the club.
Christie tells Jin the tournament isn't about killing. "I guess I should be more like you." "You don't know anything about me." Cue Jin babbling background of her. More shots to remind us that Christie is a rather attractive lady.
So, they make out on the dance floor then we cut to them sneaking back in despite the fact there are NUMEROUS WITNESSES THAT THEY LEFT. Anyway, they make out some more. "I need sleep. I have to kick your *** tomorrow morning." Oh, so witty, Ms. Christie.
She leaves and suddenly there are assassins in Jin's room trying to kill him while strobe lights...uh...strobe? Anyway, Christie hears this and returns to help him. They aren't revealed but it was obviously Nina and Anna.
Cut to Goss ranting about how this was done to keep him from winning. So, Jin reveals his mother's Tekken Card. "Jun...I knew her." states Goss. "She was a Tekken fighter." Duh?
"Why didn't she say anything?!" To protect him according to Goss. He reveals he doesn't care about the tournament, intending to kill Father Mishima. Elsewhere, Nina and Anna get yelled at by Son.
He shows his anger by beating up a henchmen like all good cliche villains. Next day...
CHRISTIE MONTARO VS NINA WILLIAMS
Jin states that he believes Nina was one of the assassins which inspire Christie to fight harder, I suppose.
Kicks and kick and blocks and kicks. The girls trade jabs and insults. Camera zooms in and out like broken automatic binoculars. I hate you, Shakey Cam. Christie wins because...duh. That's why.
Elsewhere, Son Mishima offers big time money to Bryan Fury to kill Jin. "Bio-enhancements are illegal...you're half robot. You'll be banned for life." With that helpful bit of blackmail, he goes to
rig the fight set-up.
JIN THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE VS. YOSHIMITSU
Wait, what? Anyway, Goss gives Jin some power gloves. No Nintendo jokes because I'm not a lazy bum. Jin's video game costume continues to evolve.
Suddenly, Father Mishima goes to change the fight. Son demands this not happen. Shoots his father's bodyguard. "The Jackhammers answer to me." "Don't do this." "It's done." Amazing dialogue.
So I guess if Jin makes it past Yoshi, he gets Fury, I have a feeling. In other words, the most likely to kill him. Well, time to overcome the odds.
FIGHT! Zoom in and out as they dual with weapons. Yoshimitsu with his sword. Jin with some sort of weapon that has it's blade shatter easily leaving him with a staff. That gets sliced quicker.
Disarms Yoshi. Gets slammed to ground. Many, many cuts. "Ratings! Through the roof!" Yay? Son gives the signal to Yoshi to kill Jin. Causing a flurry of damage to the hero. Goss is ready to throw in the towel.
"There is NO honor in this." Son Mishima reveals that Jin is his son. Realizing that means he has a grandson, Father Mishima starts busting people up.
Meanwhile, Jin harnesses his Mommy Memories to beat Yoshimitsu. Guards hold down the Grandfather Mishima.
Goss and Christie help an injured Jin up as other fighters are captured by security/Jackhammers. They all get caught.
In the prison, Raven is rather ticked off. But helps replace Jin's dislocated shoulder.
Son Mishima then monologues. "Ratings spiked to their highest lever ever..." so all fights are now to the death. Reminds me of "The Quick and the Dead" which is a much better revenge tournament movie at the moment.
Raven is down for the fighting to the death but first, he's going to mess up some guards for daring to arrest him. The rest go for a jail break.
Goss got a gun. He can't use it very well, but he's got it. Raven is taking out more ARMED GUARDS with right crosses. Jin finds Father Mishima. Taunts him for being behind bars. Holy crap, Raven has a gun and now he's even deadlier. NOOOOOOOOOO RAVEN!!!! Yeah, he's shot. Knocked out. Perhaps killed.
They let Mishima loose. He doesn't run as much as power walk. Jin knows of a safehouse so they head for it as "Jackhammers" persue.
Rebelous son, Kazuya sends out troops to find them. Cut to Jin being treated by Christie until Haichai asks for a moment to speak with him. They banter. "We brought humanity from the brink. Tekken is peace." "Tekken is fear!"
Grandfather Mishima reveals he saved Jun's life, having her taken care of after Kazuya abused and nearly killed her. With this helpful exposition out of the way, the Jackhammers find them.
Fight scene. Goss gets shot down. The others get captured. Christie is tased. Kazuya appears. "Tekken belongs to me." We've got a family crisis. Anyway, after being scolded, Kazuya orders his father be executed. But doesn't stick around to see it because he's a Bond villain.
"I am Hayatchi Mishima. I. Am. Tekken." And the building explodes. Did that henchman have the wrong weapon?
Anyway, Son Mishima gives a speech at the Tekken show announcing the fights to the death which makes the Romans very happy.
DRAGONOV VS. BRYAN FURY
When did either one of these people advance?! So they fight. Dragonov slashes Fury's stomach. Dominates early. When weapons are knocked away, Fury starts to turn the tide with his bio-enhanced advantage. Wraps a chain around Dragonov's Neck and flips him. Kills him.
Cut to Raven with a wound. HE LIVES. Also, Jin's hands are all messed up.
"What, no hug for your old man?" Jin charges Kazuya. Then reveals that he would've killed her if he knew she was pregnant. You know, that way everyone figures out he's the villain.
He tells Jin he must fight Bryan Fury to get a shot at him. Threatens Christie who must be out of the tournament or something.
Christie is defiant, so Kazuya hits her. Elsewhere, Raven gives words of encouragement to Jin. "Anger doesn't fuel the fighter's soul. It incinerates it. I saw greatness in you...You're fighting for all of us." Heroic soundtrack. Jin clinches his bloody fists.
Oh boy, he must be pumped he's having a serious of memories already. Nice of the movie to recap itself. I almost forgot about the useless Rebel character. I mean, it's recapping the movie and splashing in Mommy Memories. With this much of a power-up, I expect him to instantly rip out Fury's heart.
BRYAN FURY VS. JIN THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE
This is the Finals? What happened to everyone else in the tourny? "Ain't nothin gonna save you now, boy."
Cue fight. Start with a reminder fo Fury's cibernetic self. Fury no-sells a kick. Wraps bullets are his hand. Punches the hero a bit.
Mommy Memories kick in and Jin rallies. People start a "Jin" chant. Jin climbs the top of a structure and does a Flying kick to the face. Unlike Sid Vicious, his other leg doesn't shatter upon landing. Anyway, Bryan Fury is dead from Two Story Fall Face Kick.
Angered Kazuya storms out to fight Jin. Brings some axes. Does some more evil monologue and then they fight. Slashes Jin in the shoulder "Your mother taught you many styles." He sees the look of anger in Jin's eyes. So, now Jin has to restrain his anger or lose. That'll happen in a mommy memory about a minute from now.
Kazuya roughs up Jin some more. Jin bleeding terribly. Going for the kill, Kaz is distracted when Christie makes a break for it. Jin grabs and axe and gets a good shot on his father. Goes to kill him but stops. Shucks, he overcame his need for the mommy memory, too. Hands the axe to Christie. "You won." She raises his arm and announces him as the winner.
Our random noise announcers declare him the greatest champion ever.
Wow, upon thinking on it, that last fight was underwhelming.
So a battered, bleeding Jin stumbles down a hall and puts on a leather jacket. The Jackhammers are about. They line up for him. Show loyalty.
Christie Voiceover tells us that things became a whole lot better.And then some comment about the true legacy of Tekken just beginning...
Followed by credits. The credits intercut with "highlights" of the characters. Including Steve Fox/Goss whose main effort is looking at the camera or shooting a gun. Did Anna do...anything of value in this movie?
After Credits. We reveal that Hayatchi's I AM TEKKEN got the guard to let him go.
Score: 2.5/5 An amazingly passable action tournament film, at least to someone with no real knowledge of the games it is based on. Some half fun fights plagued by shakey cam. If you're bored...well, probably just watch The Quest starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.
And now...I try and figure out the bracket!
Combatants.
Raven
Gordo
Jin
Dragonov
Nina
Anna
Christie
Rojo
YoshiMitsu
Bryan Fury
Raven d. Gordo
Christie d. Anna
Jin d. Rojo
Fury d. ??? (First Round Bye as Champ?)
Mitsu d ??? (First Round Bye as Former Champ?)
Dragunov d ???
??? d. Nina (So, Dragunov beat Nina?)
Jin d. Mistu
Fury d. Dragonov
Christie/Raven never fight. (Refuses to Compete/Injured?)
Jin d. Fury
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Super Hybrid
SUPER HYBRID (AKA Shapeshifting Christine)
And here...we...go. We open with the highway. And omnimous soundtrack. Stallion Media Presents...
We're flying over a city now. A nice big city...A Stallion Media Production.
Cars are driving. And driving. We zoom in on one in particular. I'm sure it has nothing to do with anything. We continue to zoom to show.Well...not much really. The headlights come on. Then it turns into an alley and the headlights go off.
We get Red "Car Vision." Because all evil things see in Red. Also, humans glow red, but outlined brightly. Heat vision? I dunno.
Car pulls up as a couple guys leave a party. One guy is picking on another, accusing him of hitting on a man. The car transforms after they walk past into some sort of fast vehicle. One instantly decides
to steal it.
"Dude, I bet this is some kind of set-up!"
"Yeah, man. Some rich dude in need of insurance money..." Seriously?
Door shuts by itself. "Where's the ignition?!" And the door doesn't work.
"I told you we shouldn't have done this." There you go. Go out like a whiny so and so.
We zoom out and show some sort of black cloud overtaking them. One slaps a bloody hand against the windshield and then we see his face as he screams. The end of opening kill guys.
Car goes back to its original form and drives away. Keeps driving until pulling out in front of another vehicle and getting plowed. Police arrive. People in the other car are dead. We show the shapeshifting car...bleeding? Anyway, cut to a district garage for the City of Chicago.
"Sorry man, but we're remodeling." The guy hauling our mutant car begs to let the car in so he can get home to his pregnant wife. So they take the car in.
Cut inside to sex appeal. Our main female in bra and panties before we cut to her fully dressed and looking for her locket. Her weight lifting significant other doesn't know. "What's the big hurry?" "Some of us have a job." He drops the exposition that the place she works doesn't get cell phone reception. Sigh.
She hops on her motorcycle and goes to her job. Cutting to the job we find The Boss who has a picture of himself as a soldier. He gives orders to the secretary and they share snide remarks.
Nice Mechanic is looking over the shapeshifting car. It repaired itself. Guess it sucks at stealth. He starts to walk away and hears something. Turns to see the car is gone...but it actually just drove a few feet forward. he assumes the parking brake wasn't set and goes to do so. Bu the car shuts its door on his leg. I guess it likes playing with its food. Then it runs him down. Knocking him into some water.
Elsewhere, a worker tries to make a cell call, but can't. Thanks for reiterating that, movie. The other workers tease at the boss who is looking for the dead guy. They send their cliche Stoner to look for the dead guy. The younger cell phone owner is named Bobby and is scolded for studying on the job. The other guy seems to be someone here just to fill body count later.
So, Main Girl arrives. Boss tells her "You're almost late." And then gives us the information that Bobby is her Nephew. She chats with the secretary who seems obsessed with gambling. Like that matters since she's bodycount.
Meanwhile, Stoner Cliche is looking for Hector. Walks past the car and it throws on its lights. He assumes it's the dead guy and opens the door...the door starts to slowly shut...and...It's Bobby shutting the door on him. Ha Ha, Jump scare.
Big Boss doesn't like the phone being used for personal use. Sexually harasses the secretary. Boss trashes Main Girl's beau. He seems to be a tough love guy.
They shut the front area off as music tells us that it's a bad idea. Main Girl and BodyCount guy discuss the car. Then go to it where Bobby and Stoner are located. "It doesn't feel...metallic."
We keep cutting to car vision. They comment on how the car seems like a copy of another vehicle made into a model. Main Girl and Bobby put their ears to the car and we cut inside to see stuff moving around. Swishing. Bodycount guy goes to pop the hood. They decide to put it on a lift. Main Girl goes to find Stoner and Dead Guy as the others head up to prepare the lift.
Stoner is wandering around...aimlessly. Discovers the car has moved. Left some ShapeShifting blood. He turns and the car is now something else. The door opens. Of course he'll get in. But before he does,
Main Girl shouts for him and he smacks his head on the roof. She goes to talk to him, but is knocked away by the car, which drags him into it in order to fulfill its munchies.
She starts bashing on the windshield as he screams in pain and they do the black fog around him. The car backs up and runs into her. She rolls over the top but isn't too hurt.
Cut to everyone around her."Let's show hands...who thinks Hector and Al were killed by a man eating car."
We then drop information about "Lake Forest" when Main Girl had a 'rough time' full of panic attacks. Nice to cast doubt on her.
Big Boss wants to know what she did with the car. Cue car. But now it's a station wagon because...this car sucks. I don't know. Bodycount guy: "Does anyone hear a car engine?"
The car doesn't have a handle. Big Boss is frustrated about this. Feels the car and is confused like the others. She has him listen to the engine. He's starting to get creeped out.
BodyCount goes to pop the hood but instead hurts the thing. The hood pops and a CGI...thing screeches at them. I guess we can drop the Lake Forest thing, now. So they flee and the car chases.
Eventually, they're behind two cars and it keeps ramming the cars to get to them. Can't do it. Big Boss: "Okay you were right, get a medal." They actually say, "It changes...like a shapeshifter."
"Like one of those robots from outer space?!" Had to pause to laugh at that one.
"Where did it come from and what the hell is it doing in my garage?" Wrong questions. The question is "How do we escape without dying." Anyway, study kid studied a specific octopus that would hide itself.
But since it also appeared to be an insect, "Maybe it's some sort of Hybrid."
This babbled explanation is rather ridiculous. Apparently, this thing could have been evolving for millions of years from resembling a cave that eats people to car...that...eats people. This is the latest step in the evolution.
The Big Boss decides to capture it. That way they could show it off and get a bigtime money reward for discovering it. Main Girl decides this is rather insane. Study Boy and BodyCount Guy are in. So they go to barricade the exit for the trap while Main Girl watches the car to see if it shapeshifts.
Main Girl sneaks around. Feeling cars. Trying to avoid the evil car. Slips in car blood. It has a necklace in it. She uses the intercom and tells the secretary to call the police. Too bad Big Boss has already been there to "explain" the situation. So, she goes to flee upstairs.
But the door is locked, solidly shut. One of those. She rus down to the barricade. "The door, up on main, it's welded shut." Thanks. The Big Boss claims "to keep the crack heads out."
Bodycount Guy says he's more of a follower than a leader. Good to know. You're still going to die. They bring up the car on an elevator. It transforms into a truck and rams through the gate trapping it.
The secretary comes out to see what's going on and sees a car pulling up a ramp. "Hey! It's me!" And the thing charges. So she pops off her high heels and tries to out run a vehicle. Is smart enough to run behind a divider. "SOMEBODY HELP ME!" She makes a break for the office. Shuts the door. I...uh...that's dumb.
It charges ahead, crashes through the door. She's actually not in front of the door, so that's a plus, but she runs into her boss'office. Nowhere else to go. Main Girl pulls up on her motorcycle and Secretary dives out a window just as the car destroys the office. Interesting.
So, Truck chases Secretary. You'd think it'd turn into a fast one but maybe its speed is constant. I don't really know. This chase goes on. Truck ramming into cars.
Bodycount Guy finds his cajones and goes to distract the thing. But it...screeches? I don't know. He holds his ears and it lines him up. He overcomes it in time to run. The motorcycle hits the deck. The car goes up with a wheel on the wall and runs over Bodycount Guy...while also driving into an electricity circuit. So it gets a shock and we see the "true" creature while it's electrocuted.
Lights come back on. BodyCount is BodyCount. Car is gone. Movie has over 40 minutes left. The key to the door is on Big Boss's no longer existing desk. "There is no way out, Bobby" Thanks Big Boss.
Main Girl looks down at the water thing. Then walks a few feet and sees car blood. The soundtrack tells us that this is a bad thing. "I had Al to weld it shut two days ago to stop..." thieves. "The EMERGENCY EXIT?!"
Big Boss says they should stick to the plan. "If it can bleed, it can die." Yes, I've heard many versions of that line. So we set up the next Scooby Doo trap to kill the car. Big Boss is very resistent towards Main Girl taking charge. "You're not running a platoon...you're just a bully." Aww, poor Big Boss.
"If you're not in charge, how come everyone is following you?!" So, he's obsessed with being in control. Makes sense I suppose. Anyway, some car blood. How much does this thing have, anyway? The busted up
truck drives around slowly. I guess regaining its wits to change again. It pulls into a spot and CGI's into something new. A cloaked car...okay, seriously. If this thing can replicate cover, why does it need to just be a car? Why wouldn't it turn into barrels or something they wouldn't expect.
Big Boss has a shotgun, "I feel better already." They're setting up a tiger trap. Pit with sharp sticks. That's apparently the plan here. Meanwhile, Car drives forward which doesn't seem helpful to its hiding...but then we reveal it's listening in.
The humans go to the water pit. Oh good, they can discover dead body and...Main Girl does. "At least now, we know for sure." Thanks Big Boss. So we get intercut shots of them setting up their trap as the
soundtrack plays in the background.
Cloaked car is creeping down to the chain put up to stop it until things are ready. Meanwhile, the power starts going out as backup batteries lose juice. Car slowly moves, letting the chain go overtop of it. It almost gets by the set-up to warn against it, but hits a spike trap and speeds up a little, giving the warning.
Suddenly, we're zooming around but not in car vision. What was that about? Anyway, back on the car. It finds itself at another tiny chain. Goes slow. Reuses footage. Shows it learned from the last incident. Why can't this thing turn into a tank? Has it never seen a tank?
The cloak falls off which make no freaking sense. It's supposed to be part of the creature...I don't even know anymore. Secretary is sent to get bottles to put explosives in. Can't find any so she has to go to the level that has the car on it
Secretary tries to avoid the car. Main Girl has hotwired a police vehicle. Secretary returns with the beer bottles and a lighter. StudyBoy almost falls off a ladder. They tie off a tarp as part of their trap.
Mutating car changes again. Great job on using the last version to accomplish absolutely nothing. Is this thing supposed to be smart or not? I really don't know. Main Girl goes to lure it out with her motorcycle.
And the thing is a truck again. A new truck, but still a truck. So we get a chase. StudyBoy leaves the safe spot since he's related to Main Girl and wants to be stupid and die. Well, probably not, but either way, he's felt the need to leave safety.
Main Girl pauses and looks around. Plenty of places for the car to hide due to renovations. It rams another car into her. The cycle gets knocked over and falls on to the pit. Big Boss instantly goes to take control to reassure Secretary.
Main Girl is about to get ran down when StudyBoy shows up and hits the evil truck with a Molotov cocktail. He also has a bike so they take off. Secretary wants to help, so she lights her own Molotov.
But she's just plain useless. I mean, seriously. It bounces off the truck, lands at her feet, she catches on fire, freaks out, backs up and plummets onto the spikes. Thanks for coming. The car didn't even really kill you.
Meanwhile, Main Girl and Study Guy realize the thing can't climb steps.
Cut to Big Boss. I have no clue where his shotgun went. He informs the others about Secretary. Tries to stay his typical tough guy stuff. Study Guy takes it hard. Goes to the car they need to move but somehow doesn't notice it feels weird and different like the monster, so he's dead. Thanks for coming, Bobby.
Main Girl and Big Boss are all that's left. He's trying to stay rational, "It must have got hungry again." Wrong thing to say. She punches him. Not hard enough to knock him down, but enough that he apologizes. "I GOT HIM THIS JOB." So she's upset. He reminds her they need to stick to the plan.
Meanwhile, outside, a hobo with a shopping cart walks by with his dog. Uh...thanks?
The hunt is on. Which makes Big Boss kind of happy. "This reminds me of the good old times." They bicker a bit.
"I'm just trying to get us out of here alive."
"You better hurry up, there aren't many of us left." Nice one, Boss.
They find blood. How much has this thing bled? Doesn't seem to consider the idea it might be leading them into a trap. Boss tries to make conversation. Let's her know he turned down her promotion. "I try to give you a compliment and you threaten to blow my head off that's not nice." Maybe it's your tone, Boss. He shows her how to use the shotgun. I think his plot usefulness is almost through.
The car tries to run her over, but she manages to hold on to the front bummer. Big Boss uses himself as bait to lure it to the trap. She lets got, but it reaches out and drags her with it. It hits the spikes. She lands on it, falls into water.
The thing transforms into its regular self. Starts lashing out like crazy. Almost knocks Big Boss off his perch. He does, however, drop the gun. Main Girl takes it. Shoots the monster. It roars.
She looks up and sees a teetering car from earlier. Shoots it. It explodes or something and falls down the shaft, landing on the monster and forcing the rest of the impalement.
Main Girl gets up and starts to climb, looking back once to confirm death. Goes to find Big Boss.She climbs to the top and looks around. Boss pulls himself up. "Guess it's 50/50, huh?" "How do we get out of here?" Much better question, Main Girl. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out the key. Very nice and evil.
They open the door and Main Girl's guy is there. She throws him the keys to his long ago destroyed car and walks away. She takes out a locket that has Study Guy Bobby's photo in it. Watches a bunch of cars drive by.
Big Boss on the inside takes out his cell phone. "Channel 1 News?" Suddenly three or four car lights come on. Oh, whatever movie. He gives the "Ooooh crap" look and we cut outside to Main Girl walking
away as credits show up on screen
THE END.
Circle C = TADORA Film Produktions GarbH & Co. KG
Score: 2 out of 5. It's a silly modern day Christine attempt that's kind of blah for the most part. Enjoyable moments from Oded Fehr as the plot preserving jerk boss but it's a paint-by-numbers film.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Quarantine 2: Terminal
There's something on the wing of the plane! Oh...wait.
QUARANTINE 2: TERMINAL
And here...we...go. Open with a POV of a flight. Oh, and I enjoy our double entendre opening. They're coming in for a landing.
Cut to a cab and a woman buttoning her blouse. She's a stewardess dressing for work as they rush not to be late. Why are they late? The one snuck backstage at a concert and got her friend a signed CD. That's nice.
Gate 42. I bet it holds the answers. Exposition dialogue shows that Backstage Girl is getting married. Other girl is maid of honor. Then there's a phone call to show BG's dad is a pilot.
The pilot seems sick. "Head cold." He mentions that dogs in his neighborhood are sick. Ooo Eee...cut to the captain of the flight talking to Jenny, aka Maid of Honor. She then goes to meet George, a kid travelling by himself. He 'knows the drill' of being the alone-in-flight kid. "I can take care of myself."
Cut to an older man in a wheelchair being brought on-board. with his wife. "He can hear you, but he can't speak...Parkinson." Awww.
Hello Cliche Fat Guy cracking jokes about the weight of the plane now that he has entered. "What's a fella gotta do to get a beer around here?"
Captain notices other pilot's headcold. We randomly meet Token Black Gal by complimenting her nails. Then some teacher with hamsters. They try to push the animals into an overhead compartments. One of them bites the fat guy...please be Zombie Hamsters. Teacher is apparently attractive because the two stewardesses share a line about him. To equal things out, in enters Token Black Guy. We just cut around showing other passengers who should probably be named "Fodder"
Take-off. Fatty has to turn off his cell. TBGuy sneezes. So...Who will turn first? I'm going pilot. Anyway, a couple passengers are nervous. Flying and all. Kid yawns cause it's 2nd nature to him. Random Guy rubs his Random Gal's belly to confirm a Random Baby that's most likely not going to make it to the world.
"You are now free to move about the cabin..." And everyone pops out electronics. The kid has a PSP. Says he's going to be picked up by his "Smother. Step Mother."
Later. Night. Nervous TBGal is Nervous. Hasn't seen her husband in over a year. Random Guy is ripping someone over the phone and gets confronted for using the thing. Teacher helps the Stewardess and
then hits on her. She doesn't really appreciate it, but then starts acting sweet. I guess cause he's attractive. I don't get it.
There's another Random Couple. I'll call them Horny Fodder. Guess what they're doing? No, they aren't in the bathroom going for Mile High yet. It's most likely coming, though.
Cut to an old woman with a cat that "never leaves the apartment building." I enjoy that they're building all these red herrings...unless they all work, which would be hilarious, too.
Stewardesses discuss teacher, again. Fat Guy asks for water. Breathing heavy. Looks at his hamster fight. HAMSTER ZOMBIES YES
"I Can Take Care of Myself" kid gets a pop from a wild swinging Fatty. They write off Fatty as just drunk. The Teacher is watching a news report on the place from the first movie. Fatty is getting worse.
Jenny goes to check on Fatty. He throws up on her. "Stop the plane and let me off!" We get reaction shots from the other passengers.
Backstage Girl is helping Fatty as the old lady's cat licks up his vomit. Jenny cleans up real quick. Lets her hair down...
Fatty rages. Rushes to the cockpit."I Can Handle Myself" Kid goes for a rear naked choke. That fails. Seeing this, a few other passengers jump up to help. One guy is told to help but won't so that later we'll be happy for his death.
Dude, did someone just curb stomp Fatty?...AWESOME.
In the cockpit, head cold kept the captain alert to what was happening. Nervous TBGal is apparently a medic and checks on the kid, who may have a concussion. Teacher volunteers to help, but we know it's his evil hamsters that caused this...hey, where's that cat?
Jenny and her friend have a private chat. Jenny freaking out about how she didn't do anything right. Captain interrupts this to alert them of an emergency landing. It's bumpy. Where's the daggone cat? In the Horror Closet?
Bumpy, bumpy. Fatty slides and hits his head. Ha? The stewardesses work to strap him in. Backstage girl gets bit. Uh-oh. Big guy is roaring like a shark out for revenge. Couple guys force him into
the bathroom. They land.
Horny Couple's Guy is recording this on a camcorder. Control is telling them to hold position on the ground. Captain is an old guard guy, so he barks back and takes a spot.
When they open the door, a worker is yelling at them for being in the work place. Like they care. Sadly, no one is helping the old paralyzed man so his wife stays behind with him. They go to a door but it's locked. So worker takes them a different path. Jenny goes to see how the pilots are. They're hold Fatty at bay, tell
her to go on. So...she does. Uh...okay?
"I can handle myself" kid takes a look at the video game style platforming location that we'll probably see taken advantage of later on. Bit girl hasn't talked since. Worker is leading them to "Tarmac" level. I don't know airplane lingo. More looking around.
Worker gets to the door...Locked. "This has never been locked before." Sounds safe. He starts looking around at other doors. Metal lifts. Nothing opens. No codes working. They're on Lock Down.
"You ever hear of terrorism?" They're not going anywhere. "This is not okay." Good dialogue Ms Obvious. So everyone yells at each other under Medic quiets them down...by shouting "Quiet." Okay?
Sirens. Cops, Cops, Cops, Fire engines fire engines, helicopters. "Attention...Do Not Attempt to Leave. Help is on the way...You are now under Quarantine." And the window they're looking out gets blocked off.
Everyone gets on their cell phones. Jenny calls her pilot daddy and leaves a message begging him to call her back and tell her what to do. Worker called 911. They haven't heard about this. Another noise. They're lighting up the area. Everyone starts harassing Jenny as if she knows what is going on. "Just go fetch
the captain, honey." So she asks the Worker for help getting back to the plane.
He alerts us that he has a 3-year old daughter ensuring a death in his future. Other people say they'll go...mainly for selfish reasoning. Daggone it. Where is the cat?
Power gets shut off. Oh good, it looks like they want the non-infected people to have absolutely no chance whatsoever. Again, no one trust the teacher with the demented Zombie Hamsters.
Some emergency lights on. They make it back to the plane. More locked doors. Inside...the plane appears empty. Why are my cat senses tingling? Jenny is scared. Red and blue lights running down
the cabin to build tension. Worker walks in with a flashlight.
Jerk who didn't help barges in. "This is a mess man!" She opens the bathroom and...there's blood but nothing else. TBGuy wants his laptop. They look around and pick up some flares. The Parkinson's
guy is still around. Looks down to try and give warning to something. Maybe the cat took everyone down.
They search. There is 5 of them (minus the man who can't move).Worker drops into the baggage hold to find the medic's bags. Jerk comes as well...to find his own bag. The teacher comes down to and
we see a mutant hamster running about. Oh noez. They find the empty container for the hamsters but teacher isn't concerned.
Jerk's suitcase had a gun in it. A hamster rage attacks the worker who takes a golf club to it...who brought a golf club?!
Jenny climbs back up first. Sees a bloody laptop. Oh no. Token Black Guy?! She looks down the aisle and we see Headcold Pilot crawling around and snarling. She turns and Infected Captain grabs her.
Worker hops up and battles the infected guy until Jerk shoots the diseased one.We hear a voice over outside alerting people there is a gun inside the building. They find Token Black Guy. Guess what. He's dead.
They help the paralyzed man into a wheelchair and push him away. Jenny finds a woman. "He-l-l-l-l-l-lp me!" And then she rage charges. So they lock her in a room and try to retreat back to the
others. Which they do.
Hey, the cat lady has the cat. We hear that Jerk got blood on his face. Nice way to get infected. Medic works on Backstage Girl. Jerk reveals that he doesn't just have a gun but extra ammo.
Jenny's dad called and said to "Take the stick..." and then all the cell phones died. She reveals he taught her to fly but she was too afraid to do it herself...so one day he just let go and told her to "Take the stick."
So she walks around inspecting weird noises alone like a genius and finds some blood. Doesn't immediately turn and run. Anyway, Worker and Teacher have barricaded the woman. Jenny goes to talk
to the crowd and they rabble until Medic tells them to shut up. She has the power.
"You ask me it looked like some sort of ****ed up rabies." Thanks Worker.
Oh no. Poor wheelchair guy sees a Zombie Hamster and tries to get attention. Awww. They argue as he stares and tries to groan. The kid sees the giant rat just as it jumps and bites the poor man. Daggone it.
For their safety, they load him into a place and lock it. Turns out the rat is a labrat. The kid points out the teacher brought the animals onto the plane. They're not Zombie Hamster. They're
Zombie Rats. The teacher tries to explain to Jenny.
"You can't bring labrats...I never would've made it through security." She instantly buys that. Oh, Jenny...he hugs her just in time for Fatty to reappear with a rage charge. Where the heck have you been?!
So they wrap a cord around his neck and group hang him. That works I suppose. Worker gets a call telling him the CDC is coming in. The kid goes to Jenny and tells her the teacher is lying. "You believe him cause you like him." Smart kid.
Enter the CDC with blinding white light...and guns. The one guy who has been recording stuff is told to turn it off. They take the Jerk's gun. Because they're too dumb to calmly ask the others what is happening, they instead order the bitten people to be unlocked and taken out. I'm sure this will end well.
"You've been exposed, but we don't know if you're infected."
"EVERYTHING. WILL. BE. EXPLAINED!" ~ Repeated line. They're told to "take the protocol." Cat Lady agrees. IS HOLDING THE CAT!
AWWWWWWWWWWWWW YES! CAT BIT HER! "THE CAT IS INFECTED!" They unleash a hail of gunfire at the cat, which somehow causes the paralyzed man to realize "Dude, I can walk now!" and attack.
He gets filled with bullets afterwards. The CDC guys try to leave, but are locked in. They have automatic weapons so they shoot the door open. Camera Guy (Alias Horny Guy) rushes out with them and
they're all gunned down. Bummer dude.
They pull in a wounded CDC guy. A wail is heard in the darkness. Also, Jerk is infected (blood to face earlier) so we get a quick cut to black. Everyone non-infected locked in a truck. Okay. 3rd
Act, here we go.
"Each cartridge had it's own color!"
CBDT. Chemical Biological Domestic Terrorism. So the wounded guy gives us backstory and recaps the first movie. "Rats are the carrier." Uh-oh, Teach. Anyway, CBDT guy tells them they won't be leaving, then steals a gun and blows his head off.
So people start breaking down. Worker recalls that there is a flood tunnel they might be able to use. As he goes to tell them directions he is conviently attacked by HeadCold Infected. So they are slightly delayed while killing that guy.
Afterwards, everyone leaves the big container and Worker starts to lead them to the tunnel. Seriously, HeadCold was just a filler jumpscare before the next logical step.
As they go, they realize is Henry (Teacher) is missing, then one of the fodder characters gets got. We cut to Henry (Teacher) locking and loading. Meanwhile, the group is moving forward and run into Backstage Infected. Jenny and her have a brief confrontation before Infected is knocked off a scaffold to the ground, dead on impact. Awww...I guess.
Worker continues to lead the way and this reminds me of the fireman from the first movie meaning this guy probably dies just before they get where they're going. I could be wrong, but I'm filling time while they look for maps or junk.
Kid stole Teacher's bags and shows that he intentionally brought the infected rats on board. This isn't really much of a shocker. I'm guessing most viewers were waiting for the nice guy who 'made a mistake' to be revealed as the villain.
Worker explains their route, thus making him useless. Infected people swarm but Teacher arrives and shoots Jerk Infected and Fodder Infected. Not sure about Cat Infected, but I heard a meow. Not Teacher tells Kid to give him a box. Kid opens it and looks at a bottle. "That's the antidote, right?"
Worker charges NotTeacher and gets a bullet. Yeah...there you go.
So, NotTeacher takes the antidote. "How'd you get that through security?" "The same way I got my rats through...friends." He's heading to Kansas City and continues to talk about spreading the plague for the good of humanity. He explains what he's doing as he does it.
Kid asks about something. "What is that?" "You're a smart kid." Huh?!
So, NotTeacher gets to dialogue on how gov't is bad. "Earth could use a good plague." He then injects himself in the eye with the antidote while Medic, Kid, Jenny (The only ones left) just stand
there and watch.
NotTeacher takes the kid as a hostage. The girls split up. Token Black Infected arrives and chases after Jenny. They run around for a bit until she gets him into a position to drop something heavy on him a couple times. Thanks for getting rid of that plot hole, movie.
So, Jenny continues on and finds another Fodder Infected who bends over backwards for no legit reason. Medic jump scares Jenny to show that she found a special seeing device. Thermal vision. So
Jenny puts it on and we see that Medic got bit off screen.
With that, Medic goes to die heroically or something. She calls out to the infected and gets swarmed by 4 immeditately. Great plan you idiot. With those four now in the general area of Jenny, she
decides to leave and chase after NotTeacher & Kid.
Why did Medic give up when she KNEW there was an antidote with the person she was chasing? Anyway, as Jenny moves forward, she finds mice. "Just mice." She continues following a path. Really though, what kind of plan is shouting "COME AND GET ME!"and then standing there until they do? Daggone it, climb some steps, yell, and run away.
Anyway, Jenny finds Kid. "It didn't work! Don't come down here!" He begs her not to come down, but she does. She gets attacked by NotTeacher Infected and her Thermal thing is knocked off so we can get shots of the struggle in Thermal vision. The Kid throws on the vision, finds a gun, and shoots NotTeacher in the chest, Nice shot.
"DID YOU GET HIM!?!" Poor Jenny. He gives her the vision so she can see NotTeach. He's still moving, so she grabs something heavy and bashes him up. They check and neither were bitten.
The Kid goes to explain what happened, but suddenly, the Terminal is exploding. They really don't want people getting out, huh?
"We're not going to get out of here...I just want to go home!" Uh, Kid, it's not time to be an idiot. She gives the kid the vision thing and puts him in a tunnel that she had to break open. She follows behind him. So we get the vision in the tunnel. Sounds of more explosions. And they crawl...they crawl and crawl and crawl.
They just crawl...and Jenny gets tired. And breathing heavily.
Then the kid looks back and sees that she was bit on the stomach. Uh...oh... She starts showing the signs, "I'm infected. Keep going." The Kid decides to start being stupid and instead of trying to run stays behind to shout "I'm not leaving you! You won't hurt me!" Movie, this is taking too long to get to a now ridiculously obvious end.
So they crawl..and crawl and crawl and craaaaaaaaaaaaawl. And they get to a way out. Gee, I wonder what happens now? "Jenny! We made it!" He squeezes out of a...I don't even know. Shouts back for Jenny to follow. "I'm not leaving without you!" And Jenny attacks. DUH.
Thus the kid walks away, looks back at an off-screen smoldering terminal, and continues walking.
Then, we cut to Thermal Vision and show that the Cat made it. YAY, CAT! Wait...
THE END.
Rating: 3 out of 5.
I enjoyed the opening build towards who the first infected would be and it wasn't a horribly insulting film. You could go much worse for a sequel, let alone a direct-to-DVD sequel.
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