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Friday, April 30, 2010

Prom Night

MIND TO MOUTH: PROM NIGHT

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The Knife is a bit more intimidating...so it wins. No prize as usual.

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Perhaps like many online reviewers, I am falling into an early pattern of movie hatred. Bashing without thought. So, maybe this review will change that…

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Rated PG-13, this is bound to be one of the rare slasher movies that doesn’t try to “improve” the story with more violence and gore. Hopefully that will work out. No. This WILL work out. I’m going to actually like a movie that I review. I AM! I AM!!!!

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And…here…we…go:

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Nice little song playing over the studio credits and then we’re zooming over a large body of water at night. Title and Actors are told to us and we fly to a town. Yay! I like flying!

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A car is on a bridge. It catches out attention and we stalk it. The car is driving and driving. The nice song is still letting the drum beat. We get a close-up of…an actress. Maybe I should’ve done some research before this. Nah.

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Anyway, First Girl gets out of the backseat and has a brief conversation with her friend and her friend’s…mom? Anyway, one of them needs to fill a spot or someone they don’t like will get it. I assume a sport or a play. Probably a sport.

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As I deduce, First Girl is wandering around her place with no one answering her calls of “I’m home!” She sees a TV showing a football game, but her dad isn’t there. Actually, he is, but his wrist has been slashed and he has slumped out of her POV. He must be really into his sports.

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She goes to her brother’s room. He was watching a Karate movie. Problem is little bro is dead. Surprising. She hears a noise, hides under the bed and gets to watch as her mother is murdered. Mommy sees her daughter but doesn’t give up her location. I’m assuming out of love.

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Killer has a butcher’s knife and a beard (Noticed in that order). First Girl holds her tongue until he leaves and then she takes off for the outside. A police car in a hurry drives by. She shouts. They don’t stop. She turns.

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The killer kills her. Okay that’s a brave way to start…

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AND it’s a dream. Thanks, movie. Nothing like the “It was a dream” junk. Actually it is her telling the story of her dream, so that’s…different and good, right? Anyway, she’s talking to her cute psychologist. Parents and bro are really dead. Killer was caught and became Prisoner.

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Cute Psych let’s us in on the fact that it has been 3 years since the slayings and that Prisoner is “2300” miles away. Very exact. The Psych let’s her know she’ll never be able to forget what she saw, but she can have good memories and then asks what her Prom Dress looks like. Yay exposition.

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Cut to First Girl and her friends discussing their dresses and dates at a Beauty Parlor. No Queen Latifah in sight, thankfully. Jokes about getting “laid” are made. First Girl is given a mirror to check her hair, but sees Prisoner in the reflection across the street for a startle.

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Foster Family gloat about how far First Girl has came as she stands in the bathroom looking at her dress. She opens the medicine cabinet, looks at pills, puts them back, shuts the cabinet, and THEN SCREAMS IN TERROR CAUSE SOMEONE IS BEHIND HER!!!

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It’s Foster Mom and her Ninja Skills. First Girl tells her she isn’t taking her meds because she wants to “remember” the night. Ding Dong, the Date is here. Foster Mom gives First Girl something of her Real, Murdered Mom.

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I realize that if I’m going to enjoy the movie, then I need to learn names.

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The date’s name is Bobby. Bobby’s brought a limo and is babbling about a scholarship as the ever attractive First Girl comes down the stairs. He gushes at her and gives her the corsage that he “kinda” picked out on his own. She pins a rose to his label and he feigns pain. Endearing. Foster Parents want a picture and get one. Foster Dad wants a promise that Bobby (His name is Bobby!) won’t…be a typical male. Bobby promises.

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Friend from the Dream (and the Parlor) and her date are also in the limo. Shots of people acting silly and oh-so-likable in the limo. They chat about the prom budget going over, ahem, $100,000 but the planner’s dad is rich so he covered it. O…k

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The Guys waste about two seconds before sneaking a keg in. They are very, very happy.

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Meanwhile, Detective Wynn (Win? When? FRICK) gets a fax about the escape of Prisoner, who I guess goes back to “Killer” status for now. Killer has been out for three days. Confused Sidekick allows Wynn to repeat what the earlier dream told us while adding extra exposition about the guy being a stalker for First Girl.

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Flashbacks show Killer being obsessed and First Girl IDing him behind the two-way glass. Killer acts creepy to Detective Wynn (When? Win?) before looking at a camera and saying “I’ll see you soon, Donna.” DONNA! First Girl’s name is Donna! Wynn (Win?) gives us more back-story while walking with Sidekick Exposition.

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Meanwhile Bobby and Donna arrive at the Prom! Bobby and Donna! Date and First Girl! People are welcomed to the prom by a teacher who busts someone for alcohol. That guy must not have heard about the keg.

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Meanwhile, a non-bearded guy…who just happens to resemble Killer (Hmm…) stares at Donna. Teacher says hello to everyone and drops Donna’ friend’s name of Lisa. *Lisa*

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Rude girl appears. Her name is Crissi. I’m trying movie, I really am. Rude, Rich Girl acts Rude and insults Lisa’s cleavage. Catfight averted by Lisa’s Date…uh…uh…Daggone it.

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Teacher is given a name. Didn’t catch it. She compliments Lisa.

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The Prom is kicking and has a DJ. DJ Tyler. He welcomes everyone and gives a “shout out” to Rich Girl Crissi. The party starts. Y’all. Our lovable group of teens agrees that Rich Girl Crissi did well, but they still hate her. How…sweet?

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Lisa’s Date gets the keys to their hotel rooms. On the third floor. Killer is there and uses an excuse to go to the third floor.

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Girls head to the room to “freshen up.” Get on an elevator with others. Darn it, I don’t know who the other friend is. And I just ended a sentence in a proposition. Guys hit on the girls and invite them to the 6th floor. Not happening.

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Hey! There’s Killer at the very back of the elevator. He follows them off and sees what room they go to. He takes out a knife and damages a key card. Killer asks a nearby maid for help, confirms she has a master keycard for all rooms, and…asks for extra towels.

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That bastard.

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Oh wait, anyway, he waits until she is in the bathroom with the towels and then kills her. She bleeds the keycard to the floor. Seriously, that’s all that hits the floor after he stabs her three times in the midsection. Oh, that’s right. PG-13.

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Meanwhile, Detective Wynn (Win?!) is at the Foster Parent’s home to warn about Killer getting free. Foster Mom hears the conversation between Foster Dad and Wynn and drops a bowl. Dramatically.

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The Prom is slow-songin’ along. Donna thanks Bobby for the night. Meanwhile Claire (They just said her name! Also! And her date’s name is Michael! Thanks movie!) and her date argue. Claire tells Donna she has cramps and they go to get some Midol. Seriously.

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Killer watches…with something resembling emotion. I suppose. He watches as Donna kisses Bobby and leaves the dance floor. Killer stalks Donna to the elevator but when she turns around…he isn’t there. The heck? Okay, he’s behind another door. She gets on the elevator and…

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Foster Mom wants to go get Donna. Foster Dad doesn’t want to ruin the girl’s night and progress. Great call, Fake Daddy.

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Donna goes to her dark, dark room. Turns on the light. Walks around nervously. I think tension is supposed to be building. “Hello” she asks the seemingly empty room. “Is anybody here?” A body might be. Don’t worry, though. Maid’s don’t bleed.

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She gets her Midol, looks nervous…or something like that…and walks slowly. Soundtrack is picking up. Oooooh spooky. “Bobby (That’s her date!), is that you?”

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Nope it’s a jump scare named Claire. She’s upset because Michael is upset that she’s moving away for college. How upsetting. Donna lies and says she is doing “good” while Claire chooses to stay and fix her face.

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Claire is now singled out from the group while not the main focus of the movie. My instincts tell me that this is not a good idea. She drinks some water and “hears” something. “Donna?” Nope. She goes to fix her eye-make-up…stuff…and a shadow walks by the door.

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She goes to the closet, drops off her purse and looks in the mirror….nothing. Ooooooh tension. How you build. “Michael?” Nope. Baseball cap wearing Killer puts appears, grabs her by the throat and stabs her to death. No blood. PG-13. Claire managed to scream despite her windpipe being closed by a tightly clinching hand.

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Detective Wynn (Win? When?) asks the Hotel Manager where the Prom is taking place if he has seen Killer. Nope since Killer disguised himself so well by shaving. They fill us in on escape routes.

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Prom is still going on. Confetti is still falling from the beginning of the thing. DJ Tyler let’s me know that Lisa’s date’s name is Ronnie. Thank you, DJ Tyler. For completing my list of “Names Needed.” Now I hope you survive.

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Donna is distracted. Bobby is ready to dance. Instead, they have a “serious” conversation. Donna wants to stay at home and go to state college with Bobby, but he doesn’t want her to throw away her “full scholarship to Brown” just for him.

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“Look what’s happening with Michael and Claire.” Donna defends her idea. Claire would agree if she wasn’t twitching on hotel room floor. Bobby talks her down about a long-distance relationship. Michael is looking for Claire while drinking…probably something alcoholic. “You’re going to lose her,” warns Donna and Michael scoffs before leaving.

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Killer is looking at the camera that Claire had in her handbag. He deletes all pictures of Donna and Bobby together. Dead Clair is propped up in the bathroom and is slightly bloody from the brutal stabbing she received. “CLAIRE!!!”

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Michael has arrived and Mr. Jealous is looking for his girl. “I don’t want to fight anymore,” he says trying to get into the bathroom. No reply causes him to beg her “Not to do this.” He then decides he is going to stay until she comes out of the bathroom.

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Takes a shot of whatever alcohol he has…and begs for forgiveness. He goes to the bathroom, the door now open. Claire is nowhere in sight so he grabs the shower curtain to find…Nothing. Dang. Claire must have bled out fast or something. No residue blood.

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Michael is ticked off at this cat-and-mouse stuff. I think tension is supposed to be happening. He opens the closet and Killer tackles him. Stab stabby stab. Bye, Mikey.

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The Prom is kickin. DJ Tyler compliments the party goers for their “amazing” party skills. He declares it is almost time for prom king and queen. A special “Yearbook” thing starts showing. Crissi doesn’t want to miss any chance of being named queen. Her date tells her she might not when and get an evil stare. He goes upstairs as she quips, “If he were any dumber, I’d have to water him.” Hi-yo! That’s a good one John…er…Crissi!

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Meanwhile, Lisa is insulting Crissi and talks about the respect and honor of winning Queen before they all laugh. “Seriously, I just want Crissi to know she can’t buy everything.” Amazing plot development.

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Detective Wynn (Win? When?) and his sidekick keep an eye on Donna from afar. Donna freaks a bit upon realizing that things are about to end for her and her friends. Ronnie (Lisa’s date!) babbles something nice and then whispers that Lisa and he should go upstairs.

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Meanwhile, Hotel Manager is looking for Decomposing Maid Maria and sends another worker to search for her. He passes by Killer and asks if he has seen the housekeeper. Killer lies, distracts, and strangles the time-filling fodder.

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Lisa and Ronnie head upstairs to the suite for some “alone time.” Bobby declares that he doesn’t want to sleep. Downstairs on the dance floor, Donna’s having a “great time.”

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Lisa bumps into Killer and gets wide-eyed afterwards. “That guy. He looks so familiar.” Ronnie flirts with her as Killer overhears her say this from around the corner. She freaks out about Killer while in the hotel room. Ronnie gets her to bed in order to help her “forget” about the man. That should end well, I’m sure.

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Slow-Dance is sloooow. Many angles of the happy couple. They share a kiss. DJ Tyler is back, whoop, whoop. He brings up the teacher from earlier to announce the King and Queen. She gives props to DJ. Much deserved. She calls for the nominees but Lisa and Ronnie aren’t back yet. Crissi goes up to stage.

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Meanwhile, Detective Wynn has gotten a lead and finds a dead corpse in the trunk of a car. Now we know how Killer got there so quick.

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Lisa remembers who Killer is and runs out of the room. Dejected Ronnie pulls out the diamond ring he was about to propose with and is sad. Lisa can’t wait on the elevator so she goes to run downstairs. Her pump breaks and she tumbles down.

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“Why the rush?” suddenly appearing Killer asks and the chase is on. Lisa cuts into a repair project for the hotel that provides many hiding opportunities. Great choice. Killer is literally right in front of her before she notices him. She rips her dress getting away. Then random birds appear to give away her hiding spots.

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Birds hate Prom Queens. She cries and sees Ronnie appear in the elevator, looking for her. She doesn’t call out, dooming herself and saving Ronnie for now. Ronnie goes back to Prom to find Lisa, but she isn’t there. Donna guesses she is in the bathroom (for some reason?) and goes off to look for her as Ronnie jumps up on stage for Prom King.

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Upstairs, Lisa is unable to sneak to the elevator. Killer slashes her throat and we get some blood spray. Surprisng. Poor Lisa. No Prom Queen for her.

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Killer washes off his knife, meanwhile, Detective Wynn (Win? When?) have discovered who is the corpse and use the man’s name to figure out what room Killer is in. Action time. Wynn goes to the bathroom and finds the dead maid, who has a tiny trickle of blood on the side of her mouth. Must be someone else’s since Maid’s don’t bleed.

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Prom King and Queen are about to be named when Wynn flips the fire alarm and his sidekick “Nash” (Heck yeah! Detective Nash!) tells everyone to get out. Now. Crissi grabs the King and Queeen paper. Ronnie and Lisa had won. She throws a fit and leaves.

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Donna is ignoring the “alert” to leave while looking for Lisa. She heads out the bathroom and is filled in that people have to leave. Donna decides to go back for her mom’s shawl. Thanks, Foster Mom. This is your fault.

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Ronnie and Bobby hear Detective Nash looking for Donna and tell him where she was. (The bathroom). They’re escorted out.

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Donna is back to the third floor, still ignoring the emergency alerts to leave because her dead mom’s old piece of clothing is in the room. She enters and immediately starts calling out as if other should be there. She runs into a lamp. Even with the desire to enjoy the movie, it’s a jump scare of the lamest degree.

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Meanwhile, Killer creeps out from the shadows to pet her hair and then fade back before she can see him. She gets the shawl and turns to leave, but Killer is shutting the door. She should’ve taken her pills.

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Anyway, she runs as he says “Please don’t do this!” She goes to another room and locks it. He has lost his pass key…somehow…so he just busts down the door with a fire extinguisher. Killer pulls out his knife and strolls into the room. Donna is once again hiding under a bed. I bet her mom won’t tell where she is this time as well…okay, that was mean.

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She looks beside her and sees her dead friend Crissi. Good to know that instead of cleaning, Killer just throws stuff under the bed. It connects him to me.

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Meanwhile, Nash is talking to Bobby and Ronnie outside when the guy who told her about having to leave let’s them know she went back up to her room.

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Donna is still hiding. Killer looks under a different bed and she takes off. She runs full force into the arms of Detective Wynn (Win? When?). Wynn and a nameless cop enter the room. Killer is hiding. They look under the bed. Nope.

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They find Michael who was shoved in the mini-bar…or something like that.

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Donna gets outside and runs to Bobby. They are escorted away. Ronnie asks if she has seen Lisa. “Claire’s dead” she helpfully replies.

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S.W.A.T appears to search for Killer. Seriously? Apparently. Wynn (When?) gives his best Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive speech and sends them off.

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Ronnie is still looking for Lisa. It’s a losing battle, dude. Meanwhile, Bobby and Donna get back to the Foster’s Parent’s home. Detective Nash asks how many entrances there are to the house, tipping Forster Dad off to the fact that Killer is still on the loose.

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Ronnie is STILL looking for Lisa. There are “Some missing students inside” according to the teacher. I’m guessing that means Michael and Lisa besides the confirmed dead Claire.

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They find Lisa. God Save the Queen.

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Foster Parents watch reporter Jeena St. John (said at the bottom of the screen) report about the “tragedy” of the night. We’re going in circles.

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Bobby is upstairs with Donna. Foster Dad lets them know that the Foster Main Bedroom is right down the hall. Donna and Bobby watch the news and she cries some more. How is no one missing Maria and Fodder Bellboy?

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Supportive boyfriend Bobby tries his best and fails. I think I’m supposed to feel some emotion for this.

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Daggone it. Ronnie is STILL looking for…never mind, there’s the body on the gurney. Here come the tears. Poor Ronnie. I hope he had a receipt for his ring.

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Meanwhile Detective Wynn (Win?) notices blood drip from a grate. Don’t worry, the reason no one else saw it was because it just randomly started happening. Wynn gets a flash light and hops up there. Fodder Bellboy falls from the grate and they realize that the Killer got out by taking his work clothes. Shocking, right? Not really. No.

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Nash is warned that Killer is out on the loose. I feel slightly closer to characters by knowing their names. It almost helps. Donna looks out the window and sees their appointed cop talking on his phone. Then, she goes for her pills. Guess who is in the mirror this time when she shuts it.

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Yep. Killer. Don’t worry though. It’s another dream. Sigh. Bobby is there to comfort her.

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Wynn is racing for the Foster Home and trying to make a call. The Phone is out of service, which I believe is a hint that the phone lines were cut. He calls Nash and tells him to “Get in there and check it out!” Nash looks…nervous. Understandably, I suppose. He finds the cut phone line rather quickly.

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Donna takes her pills and shuts the mirror. No one is there. Third time is the charm. Of course, the window is part-way open so she still freaks out some. She goes to bed.

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Detective Wynn (When?) speeds up to the house and finds Nash back in his car. He yells at him and discovers he’s had his throat slashed. Oops. Bye Detective Nash.

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Donna thanks Bobby for staying, but he is dead asleep. Yep. It’s a pun. Bobby’s throat also was introduced to Killer’s handy-dandy knife. (It slashes, it stabs!) She sees feet and hides in the closet. Yeah.

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The feet belong to Detective Wynn and Killer is actually in the closet with her. Surprise! He grabs her to keep her quiet. Meanwhile, a nameless cop (not the same from earlier) is found dead so Wynn leaves the room. Donna is forced to fight off Killer and run from the closet.

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Killer tackles her. Yells at her to stop. She struggles so he pulls out his knife…and gets introduced to bullets. Oh yes. They are his weakness. After three of those, Killer is down and Wynn shows his name should be typed “Win.”

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Of course, Donna is too busy crying over Bobby to thank the guy who just saved her life. Detective Win hugs her and tells her “It’s over.”

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And it is.

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Cast list rolls (Hey! It’s spelled Winn!) as cops tape off the house as a crime scene. Then we cut back to the three main couples dancing at prom before fading.

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The end.

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The Score: 2.5 out of 5.

That means it’s in the middle. That means it isn’t entirely bad. That means I didn’t hate it…so do I win?

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Constructive Criticism:

I don’t need this because I was nice the entire way through. If it helps, it’s unique to see a slasher movie that doesn’t slash that much.

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AFTER THOUGHT(s):

So it really isn’t a remake, it just happens to have the same title as the 80s movie. At least that’s what I was told. Okay. Whatever.

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This movie felt much longer than it actually was even though it was padded like crazy.

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Hey. Ronnie lived. Awesome for him. She was leaving for college anyway.

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DJ Tyler gets to live it up as a DJ for years to come.

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I still have no clue who the teacher was. My one true failure of this review.

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I found a picture of the cast...

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From Left to Right...

Ronnie, Lisa, Donna, Bobby, Michael, Claire. I award bonus points to myself for knowing the names!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia

Mind to mouth REVIEWS:

Behind Enemy lines: Columbia

My first Action Movie review…But first…“Which Poster Does Its Job the Best”

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I look like the star, right? Cause, I wish I were.

2.


There are others, but I couldn't get them to upload and they were just different visions of the 2nd one. On that note...

Winner: Poster #2.

Why? Because it loves America more than the other poster!


Okay then...It's movie time. Sadly, I have no pictures to put in with the work at this time.

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And here…we…go:

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CUE opening credits and then we move into…

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The beginning of the movie takes time to remind us just how awesome America is and how America is helping others to stop evil. While doing this, the helpful voice over guy let’s us know just how evil the evil villains are by listing how they bomb, murder, and hijack. Yes, Hijacking is the last thing listed. These people are so pure evil since they are on the opposite side of the awesome America and not-as-awesome, but still cool because we like them, Colombian troops. I’m sure they’re so evil that would also participate in such abominable things as throwing a bag of kittens into a river or funding Michael Bay movies.

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The first actual actor we see is some new guy named Ken Anderson, or as he is actually listed in the credits “Mr. Kennedy.” Sadly, they do not fade out the name and bring up another “Kennedy” since this is a serious action movie that wants to have a love affair with America. Kennedy is viewing things through binoculars and leading an operation and it ends up he was setting up the main character (Yep, Kennedy has a supporting role) Lt. Sean Macklin, who as a sudden jolt of text on screen alerts us “Loves America…the ladies, & the ladies love him!” I guess America doesn’t.

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Anyway, Macklin has been led directly into a “trap” that is a birthday party full of characters I could almost care about if they didn’t come off as a large collection of the drunken frat boys who get killed off in the horror movies I usually watch.

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Just in case you didn’t know that this patriotic movie is really freaking patriotic, Mr. Kennedy proceeds to loudly declare “God bless America!” before the character-developing text appears to save the screenwriter from coming up with actual scenes to make us know what these guys are like. Apparently, Kennedy or as I should say “Master Chief Carter Holt” once “Bench pressed a Civic, when he was 15.” Why a Civic? Haha! As if the screenwriter would have a reason when he could just type it and feel relieved that he has now let the audience know that Master Chief Carter Holt is a totally tough, tough-guy. Who loves America. Cause it’s awesome.

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We get various clips of people partying while more textual healing occurs. Apparently Petty Officer Kevin Derricks can kill a man with a 9 volt battery and pocket lint. I would guess that he’d be doing the MacGuyver like stuff that makes Mythbusters fans want to scream in total frustration. Well, that is until twenty seconds later when his “Happy Birthday” singing device starts shooting off sparks. Haha. Humor. I think.
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Taking a second to establish how great the main character is, Macklin reveals he knew he was walking into the party because he somehow spotted the Civic Benching Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?)’s shadow from the top of the building the man was hiding on. Wha?

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Meanwhile in Columbia, evil people are being evil by blowing up a building, killing a Columbian soldier’s family (that gets more character development in thirty seconds than our heroes did in the scene before). The father non-verbally swears vengeance at their quickly organized funeral by taking off his cross.

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Cue Keith David at a Naval Base. He is the major link that makes this a sequel as he appeared in Behind Enemy Lines 2: Axis of Evil. David or as I should say “Commander Scott Boytano”…wait, wait. Boytano? Yeah…so…David and Other-Guy bounce information off each other about how evil the evil villains are although it feels rather familiar to our voice over beginning. Exposition!

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Our heroes hear about the evil villains and how they have to go stop them tomorrow, in broad daylight without help from Columbian soldiers because some of them are corrupt America haters. Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) tries to develop his tough, tough-guy character with round-about conversation about bar fights. Bar fights. (Okay, I won’t do that anymore. I swear.)

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Keith David talks on a plane as suddenly the good guys are in Columbia, ready to go to work. Man, things work fast here. They parachute down, landing in water, and coming out guns raised. Cause it’s cool, like America. Cue a scene of quick cuts to show them preparing for battle and setting up devices that records everything they see.

We see David take control at the uhh…main…watching…place…thing and the heroes drift down a river.

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The Good Guys use technology to find a booby trap and we get some “tense” moments as the main character disarms it. Hint, to make it tense next time, let someone who hasn’t been shown in the trailer as part of the final fight disable the bomb. Keith David approves, an action that causes the satellite to stop working making it so the watching…place…thing can’t see what the heroes are doing. Okay, maybe it wasn’t the approval that did it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the satellite melted from an overdose of patriotism.

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We take a nature hike through the jungle. After walking for a good thirty seconds, we arrive at the evil villains’ evil hideout. Tough guy talk, technology usage, and…cue action scene. “See ya round the punch bowl, boys,” declares Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?).One soldier has to hide under a vehicle as an evil villain takes and evil leak right above him. Shockingly, the evil villains have gotten good guy uniforms. How evil. Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) finds a load of MREs. Burt Gummer is jealous.

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Wait! The guys wearing good guy uniforms are actually good guys! The Columbian Army is trying to negotiate a peace treaty with the evil villains. Suddenly, the evil villains cheer the talks of peace? Wait…What? Oh my! A Columbian Special Forces team appears and slaughter everyone who cheered peace. Somehow making them the totally evil villains of the movie! And their leader is…That guy who lost his family? Wait…how am I supposed to hate him? Just cause…?

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Our Good Guys have to fight their way out, losing a few non-text backstory given, and therefore useless, members. STUFF EXPLODES! Oh god! They ARE funding a Michael Bay movie! A guy who we’re supposed to care about (because he’s shot in slow motion) dies. Who the hell was that? Maybe I’d care more if I knew stuff besides car bench pressing and 9volt-lint bombs!

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Main characters flee to the jungle, turning around long enough to engage in gun fights and shoot random totally evil lackeys. Another soldier we’re supposed to care about is shot. Sad music plays. I can’t force myself to care which makes me feel Unamerican and, in essence, unawesome. Totally Evil Guy Who Lost His Freaking Family orders for the “Gringos” to be caught. Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) and Macklin are all that is left. One soldier, I assume Derricks because he has a 9Volt battery keeping his heart beating, is captured. The remaining duo decides to go rescue him. More walking is shown as they track the vehicles of the totally evil villains, but then suddenly decide they should check-in.

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Keith David is worried. We find out that 8 hours has passed. Thanks, screen writers. Reporter in front of a green screen tells us that America is being blamed for killing Columbian and evil villain leaders. Somehow, people will believe this despite the awesomeness of America.

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Back to the duo as Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) peaks on some older woman as Macklin sneaks around. I may have missed the point of the scene. They hijack a phone line and call David, collect. Seriously. They call him collect. Oh! They stole a phone to hook up. Sorry. Anyway, while my mind connects the dots, David tells them to get out and worry about saving their friend with back-up later.

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Totally Evil Villains arrive to their hideout and the kidnapped soldier suddenly gets a burst of energy and wipes out two or three of them with his hands tied. Cause he’s awesome. Like America. A Jean-Claude Van Damme sounding Totally Evil Guy Who Lost His Freaking Family (Maybe I should just call him TEGWLHFF?) tries to get the kidnapped soldier (I don’t really know if it’s Derricks. I can’t remember his face. Just the stupid battery fact.) to “admit” that America is to blame. Of course, he won’t play ball. AMERICA!!!

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The Duo arrives at the pickup point just in time to watch as their ride hovers. The chopper is ordered not to pick them up, basically leaving the duo as sitting ducks when totally evil lackeys show up. Of course, they survive and take out a few before somehow finding a working vehicle. An EXPLOSION happens as the car avoids a rocket launcher shot that instead hits a tree with an “ALTO” sign on it. It’s funny, because Alto means “stop.” Right?

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Reporter with different greenscreen back drop lets us know that America is still being blamed for the earlier slaughtering and the remaining duo of Macklin and Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) are WAR CRIMINALS! The CIA shows up and takes Keith David’s power away. He doesn’t approve. This doesn’t’ make the satellite start working again, ruining my earlier theory.

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Hostage is given some McDonalds (Really) by TEGWLHFF (Much better). This allows our Totally Evil Villian to explain that anyone who tries to make peace with the evil villains are evil villains to him and therefore it’s okay for him to shoot people who are supposed to be on his side. Wow, quick thought: this guy was able to recruit his soldiers quickly.

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The Duo find out that the President of Columbia has declared them ASSASSINS and that America is now totally evil and trying to make the entire country of Columbia their puppets who completely rely on America’s totally awesome help. I have no joke here. I probably should, but I’m just moving on.

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Powerless Keith David tries to convince someone who I should know because she’s been around the whole time that he needs power. Macklin manages to call David somehow and they discuss the weather, cookies, and the plot. Okay, maybe not the first two.

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TEGWLHFF cries because his family is dead. The tears are totally evil, I’m sure. Meanwhile, in the hostage cell…It must be Derricks! Cause he totally just MacGuyver’d himself out of his hand constraints! He didn’t even need pocket lint.

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The duo has decided to save Derricks. Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) looks through binoculars. I just realized how much this happens. The Civic Bencher must enjoy looking really far into the distance. After a Commando like scene where an old jeep is pushed down a hill and suddenly explodes after hitting the compound, our heroes attack as the soundtrack gets loud. Wait…how long did it take them to find this place? Ten minutes?

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They find Derricks ridiculously fast, especially considering that he has escaped and is running around. Macklin makes a joke about saving Derricks because he owes Kenne-Holt (You know it) money. Ha…ha. Meanwhile, The Civic Bencher finds another car. I don’t know how, maybe his binoculars have special sensors. “What took you guys so long?” asks Derricks. They don’t let him know that they were leaving him behind a mere…who knows how many hours…earlier.

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Someone who survived the slaughtering (Which I thought was no one, but…whatever) is confronted by Macklin who wants him to tell the truth. “American’s are not very popular in Latin America” declares Survivor-Guy as he basically tells him “No.” Survivor Guy tells Macklin to find proof and that he’ll tell the truth, setting up most of the last half hour. Derricks tells the duo what we already know. Yay, time-filler. Then they come up with a strategic plan in about 10 seconds. This movie is so fast.

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Powerless Keith David is still powerless and the character he trusts tells him some crazy stuff is happening. The CIA Guy admits that they’re going to frame our heroic soldiers so that America continues to look awesome. Powerless Keith David totally disapproves. Still no satellite. Daggone it.

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Our heroes reach the place that holds their video recording devices. I’m having withdraw from lack of explosion. They get another idea when they see water tower. This leads to Macklin swimming…heroically. Have I mentioned America is awesome? Well, except for CIA Guys who want to frame soldiers. Those guys suck. After some dramatic swimming, involving a near drowning followed by the power of America busting a vent open, the movie moves on. Macklin appears in the water tower, as seen by Kenne-Holt (Mr. Anderson) through his binoculars. Maybe he should get some prescription glasses.

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After disabling the generator with mud, wiping out power for the whole camp, the action sequence begins. Kenne-Holt (*Cough*) looks tough while killing some guy with his bare hands. The action sequence…kind of isn’t. Anyway, they find their videos back just in time to discover they’ve been erased and one of the nameless lackeys they killed managed to set off an alarm for help making him the most productive nameless lackey in the history of nameless lackeys.

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“Boys, we got company. I got the door” declares Kenne-Holt(Holt-edy?) as he runs away, er…goes to fight, sniping some totally evil lackeys. When the other two show up, he then declares that he’ll go get the car, running again. Eventually, the heroes are pinned down and we end up with back and forth shooting until the heroes find send their car on a suicide mission that makes TEGWLHFF think that he has won. Silly foreigner, American’s don’t die that easy.

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They recall Powerless Keith David who gives them hints to help them with their mission before CIA Guy fires him for not handing over the phone. Now Utterly Powerless Keith David is really disapproving…I have no satellite update.

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To save budget, the heroes have a discussion where they end up replaying scenes from earlier in a seeming flashback sequence. Normally TV shows wait a season or two before doing this. After solving their problems with the power of discussion, Macklin calls Survivor Guy to let him know they have proof, even though they don’t have it yet. After a brief walking scene…they find the proof. Drama.

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This is just in time for Totally Evil Villains to show up, first spotted by Civic Presser and his binoculars. They decide that they must kill them all. Thankfully, the villains split up and are picked off one by one. This leads to one of the villains fighting off Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?)’s initial attack declaring “All you Americans think you are Rambo!” After quickly turning around the situation, our hero declares “I prefer John McClane.” Haha, Die Hard. That was an awesome movie…much better than…ah Daggone it. Don’t remind me of good movies!

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Because the movie has realized it doesn’t have much time left, it’s time for our major characters to confront our major villain. Derricks is beaten down by TEGWLHFF, but before our emotionally conflicted monster of a villain can finish him off, Macklin appears and we get a seemingly out of place knife fight. Macklin reads TEGWLHFF the riot act about doing the right thing for his dead wife who he never met. Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) appears but has been captured by Survivor Guy who is actually in cahoots with TEGWLHFF and is the Actual Major Totally Super Evil Guy of the movie. Wait…what? WHAT?! HUH?!

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SWERVE!!! WWE Films brought to you by Vince Russo.

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Macklin suddenly shouts that the bombings that took TEGWLHFF’s family was set up by Survivor Guy. TEGWLHFF instantly believes this and Survivor Guy instantly fesses up to it before shooting our conflicted villain. Macklin knives the nameless lackey of Survivor Guy and an injured Derrick busts a non 9volt cap into Survivor Guy, making him the most useful back-up in movie history. TEGWLHFF is now Not So Totally Evil Guy Who Lost His Family, allowing our heroes to go to the epilogue.

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In it, our heroes appear in uniform giving tribute to the non-memorable characters that didn’t make it while Now Super Powerful Keith David delivers a voice over…which the general gist of is: America. It’s awesome. Soldiers rule.

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America!

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The Score: 2 out of 5

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An interesting little movie that helps kill an hour and a half. I’m guessing they would have enjoyed throwing in more explosions than they actually have, but it is obvious in some points that the budget was not a far reaching one. Most actors chew their ways through the lines waiting for the shooting to start so they can do their best tough guy look. The formations used and the ways the guns are held is a bit suspect at times as well, but I’ll leave that to someone who was actually in the military at a later time. I considered 3 out of 5.

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However, minus one point because Bogota, Columbia…is a cold climate. Daggone it, did the scriptwriter even do a Google search?

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Kennedy is…Yeah. He’s an amateur actor in a supporting role. He shouldn’t expect an Oscar anytime soon, but, even for a movie that is obviously not trying for one, he comes off rather wooden in parts.

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CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:

The movie knew what it wanted to do and with a bigger budget could’ve probably made more of the action scenes that were presented.

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Studio note: Random, right? I’m just squeezing this in. I’d have to say that this is the weakest of the WWE Films released to date. See No Evil got lucky being in a genre where bad acting is expected and excused as long as there are some good kill scenes (Cell-a-phone!). The Marine fills the explosion quota and beyond while keeping its tongue firmly in cheek. The Condemned is considered the best one and takes its cliché plot and works the best it can with it. Behind Enemy Lines: Columbia has a general idea of what it wants to do, but has some obvious filler from time to time. Considering it is a 2nd direct to DVD sequel, I’d say it’s just fine. Since the movie was released, so wasn’t Kennedy. He is now a member of the Total Non-Stop Action (TNA) wrestling organization as Mr. Anderson.

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Anyway…Rent if you’re curious about then-Kennedy now-Anderson’s acting, but don’t expect something new or exciting.

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Anderson.