Deep Blue Sea 2

DEEP BLUE SEA 2

And here...we...go...

We start where all good shark movies do, Eight Miles Off the South African Coast Illegal Shark Finning Vessel "Nevu" where some dude is pulling line and yelling in some bro language I can't understand other than "She's a fighter brah" They bang stick  the fighter and this duo of dummies start hacking and machete beating a shark, tearing off the fin before tossing it onto a pile. "You're a killer my brute. Come take a selfie."

The Brute sets up a selfie and they calm down from celebrating. "Attention all mariniers. Around 179, you are advised to leave the area.'IF YOU CAN SEE ORANGE SMOKE, YOU ARE IN DANGER." They can. Machete dude gets nervous. Selfie dude wants to make that sweet shark fin dollar dollars. Something bumps their tiny little ship and we see a shark fin pop up. "LOOK AT THE SIZE AT THAT ONE" "PURE SOLID GOLD!"

We see 5 sharks in Ducks Fly Together formation. Two duck under and bump the ship sending our opening victims into the bite zone. There is tearing noises as if being cut by knives as they literally take the arms and legs off the poachers. Revenge Sharks could've been the SyFy title of this.

Some dude shows up and finds the NEVU. Sees the hockey sharks and uses a Jaws the Revenge device to make them follow him.

And now…opening credits with an attractive woman dancing. This has…like a James Bond theme. "Wading into Dark…Bluuuuuuuuuuuue. Trading dreams for nightmares the undertow of glum, in the bluuuuuuuuuuuue. Drowning in the Deep Blue Sea.

Dragged into the riptide, falling from the light from coming throuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Trading dreams for nightmares, the undertow of glum, in the BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE

Drowning in the Deep Blue Sea.

This lady is swimming with sharks and they don't attack her. Got it? Great.

Cut to later "I can't belive he didn't eat you" She blames hollywood for shark's bad reputation. "Anytime there is an attack, it's a mistaken identity. They're being  killed at a rate of 100 million a year. " That seems high.

Bull sharks are the most dangerous according to her. Bite harder than a Great White. Tenacity of a pit bull (Who is reputation bashing now?!)

Shark  Hearder is named Trent. Knockoff water place is Akheilos Complex.

"We had a jail break today. All five." "That's five too many, man." Time to double check the fencing.

Back to school where Dr. Callhoon is met by a Burns, who works for a pharmaceutical dude. She doesn't trust him He hands her a check for $50,000 and an offer to fund her science for the next 5 years if she comes to talk. And with that, he leaves while she considers.

Underwater shot of the Sealab 2021. This could easily be a sci-fi outerspace set. We meet Aaron. The computer nerd. "Always keep the fences green." Trent yells at him for the sharks getting out. "That's not possible…system is working pefectly."

A shark tests a camera and an electoral field. They dug a tunnel under the cable. This is officially a Trump Wall allegory.'

Oh crap, they just introduced two new scientists and I completely missed their names. They're smart newlyweds. "It's crazy to pack an overnight bag and head off to sea." "Guess we'll find out together then."

Boat ride.

"The child who turned into a shark. Yeah. Akheilos. Oy.

Cut to under water people working on fencing. The big bearded dude is Mike. Trent meets main scientist later. Trent Slater. Misty Calhoun. "We're reinforcing the perimeter." "What are you trying to keep out?" "More like what are we keeping in?"

OH look. Bull sharks. The kind she said were the worst. Rich Dude Durant showed up. Said there is 5, called one Bella. Daniel and Leslie Kim are the other scientists. HUZZAH.

"Those are a disaster waiting to happen. Working with bull sharks is a bad idea." "No one is going to get hurt out here." There we go. And topside we head.

They go topside and Durant chucks the nerd in the water. Sharks a coming. People a freaking. "ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO DO ANYTHING?" Misty dives in to go after him. Ducks Fly Together. Trent hits the button and the sharks scatter.

Tells her to put dry clothes on for the wet lab later. Aaron shows his show has been nicked at "They were playing with me."

Scene of the pretty doctor taking her pants off and drying her hair in her underwear. Literally all the scene is. Cut to the lab. She watches the sharks.

Cut to Durant. He has a vial of something. Shakes it up. Drinks it down. A side effect is that See Equations Meme. Enter lawyer. Re-ups Durant on the start of the film. 'They're learning how to learn and they like it…My sharks are getting smarter!' "They have trackers, we can always find them, even if they're in THE DEEP BLUE SEA.

A DAGGONE SHARK IS OVER HEARING THIS CONVERSATION OF HIM SAYING HE'S GOING TO KILL THE SHARKS WHEN THE STUDY IS OVER. THE DAGGONE SHARK IS DAGGONE OVERHEARING THE DAGGONE CONVERSATION.

Meanwhile, the married couple have a spat cause the dude has already been working with Durant and slipped her work to him as well. Uniquely he wants to be rich and she just wants to be a scientist. "I need to trust you." They are so dead.

"You and your husband study brain injuries…Misty interrupts him to reveal he makes intelligence enhnacers like aderol. Durant announces they've found a way to straight up make you smarter. Misty gets ticked at him studying on sharks.

Time for "Bella."  Trent and Mike guide her. Tranq.  Mike and Trent bring her into the wet lab. They put equipment on her. We get health stats. She's good. Claims to have improved her intelligence by 1000 fold. He seems to be doing this because he's afraid of a Terminator future.

"I think you have a god complex."
"When I'm done we'll all be gods."
"Or monsters."

Meanwhile, sharks are, you know, setting up the third act.

"Hrt eye sight has improved and she can communicate with the others. So, she's the Final Boss. Gotcha.

bOAT INTO THE electric box. Some flashes. Gas seems to start pouring into the water. Misty instantly drops the info that Bella is preggers. "I know a knocked up shark when I see one."

"Your drugs alter her DNA, maybe more than you thought."

Aaron notices stuff going on up top. Critical Malfunction. Trent finds the electric and gas nonsense. Hits his "Where you at, Sharks?" Buzzer. Runs back inside.

The sharks start bashing the facility. Bull Sharks charging.

I don’t know who  this one character is…thankfully, he appears to be on his way out. Sorry, buddy.  "Got to get a throat culture." Shark wakes up. Just gets his arm out. They drop her back in. That dude somehow didn't get hurt. Good on him. Banging noises.

The lawyer is writing a fancy law note while jamming to an MP3. EXPLOSIONS OUTSIDE. Guess the gas got to the electric fence. Lawyer stumbles around a bit. Finds a water leak. Aaron is trying to fix the fences while everyone yells at him.

Harks start eating the cameras. Well, Bella does. Sharks keep bashing the facility. The lawyer gets washed away. Misty finds a flooded corridor. The dead lawyer floats up. "I've never seen a shark bite pattern like that before." They nibbled him to death.

They're in a frenzy. Serious hunting mode. "If all the sharks are in the lagoon…who did that to Greg?" BABY SHARKS BABY SHARKS BABY SHARKS. "You're talking like they're super Piranha." "They're worse…much worse." Cut to CGI Much Worse.

Durant brags that they're so totally screwed that his work must be super awesome. "They know [the hole In the fence is there]" Aaron realizes Bella is smart and vengeful. "She's knows what revenge is and the rest are her soldiers!"

The two main characters argue over who is going to do the suicide run up top to a phone and a minor character takes the charge instead. Without main character powers he's quickly KO'd. Trent saves him.

As Misty tries to give him CPR (saving him) we see a shark in the background. Everyone is by the water. A Sam Jackson scene is probably coming. "Those sharks can kiss my--" and Mike gets his head bit off. Misty immediately starts calling for weapons. Durant is shocked "I teach people sharks aren't monsters BUT YOURS ARE"

They lose pressure. Stuff starts bombing. Water flooding. Needless stalling of asking Trent why he works for Durant. The answer is money. Shocking.

People are split up. Durant on his own. Lucky Guy and Nerd. Main Characters. Newlyweds (but she was KO'd while in a float thing…jacket…yeah) Durant finds main characters.

Lying Husband is found by baby sharks. He hops on to a pipe and Cute little CGI Sharks hop up at him. We cut back to him after checking on someone else. He falls into the water, but they appear gone. Baby sharks make weird little squeak noises.  Lucky Guy and Nerd race to find a way out of the water. Nerd goes to a top bunk. Lucky Guy hides in the glass shower.We watch the little things bounce against the glass. Shower starts to give. Lucky Guy is no longer Lucky.

I don't know how Baby Sharks became the main villains. She thinks she hears Daniel and Durant abandons her behind a door, breaking the handle. Meanwhile, Nerd is using his mattress as a raft.

Trent and Durant literally argue out the moral of the movie. "I think MAN is the real threat!"

Meanwhile, married lady literally wakes up long enough to be murdered by baby sharks.

Assorted running around. Lying Husband doesn't make it. Gets the torn in half treatment. Misty decides to swim for it. Somehow  outswims a shark…or so it seems.

The coast guard sends a CGI drone to check on the facility and it gets eaten by a shark. Durant is super pumped about it. They realize the dock they're one is about to sink. Trent sees a boat in the distance. Misty chucks Aaron into the water and then dives in with Trent. Durant is last to jump in. And they swim for it.

There are five sharks and four humans. This should be the end of the movie. Aaron goes down. The others actually stop swimming. A shark appears but goes past Misty and Trent. Straight for Durant.

DURANT DIVES UNDER WATER AND ROARS AT THE SHARK. SHE RUNS AWAY AND HE POPS UP IN CELEBRATION JUST IN TIME FOR HER TO GO AIR JAWS AND BITE HIM IN HALF AT THE TOP OF HER JUMP.

Thus ends the mad scientist. Misty and Trent make it to the boat. It won't start. Bella is coming. Dives down to power up. LAUNCHES OUT OF THE WATER AND IS SHOT IN THE FACE WITH TWO FLARES….which somehow stops the momentum of the jump and kills her.

Without a general, what will the soldiers do? Blow up due to a Deus Ex Paranoia Scientist Countdown Box. Blows up the whole complex, baby sharks assumed dead. Aaron showed back up by the way. 

3 Weeks Later. Random people you don't know get eaten by a pack of sharks. No really. The end.

Deep Blue Sea 2 "Disturbingly Cheap Review"

STRETCH

And here...we...go...

Well, hello opening car crash. Stretch is drunk and has some cocaine. Okay. Pretty girl who hit him flirts a little. He falls over, but we cut to them having sex anyway. One year later. No drinking no drugging yes banging. He plans to marry her...but she breaks up with him post coitus.

One year later. She's dating a football star. A Cleveland Brown QB. He laments his existence. "I came to LA to be an actor." Joke about name changing. He drives limos. Hates the hours, clients, and life in general. He's also overdrawn. "Better man would've blown their heads off by now." Karl with a K is Ed Helms desperately hoping The Hangover 4 happens.

He's voiceover described.  Weird jokes about him helping cover up murders. He compliments a couple for looking happy and shoots himself in the head. "He cames to LA to be an actor."

Title card and credits 6 minutes into movie.

He may get fired. He doesn't believe in fate but talks about things being meant to happen. He owes gamblers at least 6,000 dollars. His boss talks about client stealers and wants his drivers to work harder. Do or die. Anyway, he thinks things are looking up but then his bookie shows up. "Carlos sold the farm...I need what you owe by midnight." This is not good news.

Dear goodness, his first fare is David Hasslehoff. "You don't have any respect for the Hoff. You think I never held a knife?" Well, this is terrifying. Vietnam stories.

Evil Limo Driver. The Jovi. This guy looks ridiculous. White hair that scares our...hero. Anyway he loses the fare to The Jovi (who brought two ladies for The Hoff).

Attractive Camo Secretary says they're going to try and steal The Jovi's next client.
Oh hi, the ghost of Karl with a K. "A mustache that he said he grew in hell." He berates Stretch with a multitude of profanities and insults. Ton of voiceover in this thing.

"I'm pretty sure Karma owes me one," Walks into a Mexican Standoff. It goes down. He walks away and gets a client call. Dear goodness. Ray Liotta. I'm fine with this.

El Lobo?! His date site? I don't know. He comes Ray Liotta and he's shouting at people. "Why are you so angry all the time" asks the angry man.

Ray Liotta doesn't know who David Hasslehoff is. That's a glorious moment that I figure Hoff knew nothing about.

Cut to delivering. Ray Liotta is angrily yelling on his phone. Cuts himself off from shouting a religious profanity. "Would you take this back to Sony?" gives Stretch a fake gun and badge. Gives a tip. $200. Long way to 6k. Sarcastic back and forth with romance site.

Thinks on his lost love. Ed Helms appears to ridicule him from the subconcious.

Roger Karos? Fake character. The plot is starting. THE PLOT IS STARTING. "This guy is supposed to be pretty nuts." He gave coordinates.  Thinks Karl with a K isn't dead. Gets to the location...

AND THE DAGGONE DUDE PARACHUTES ON TOP OF HIM...and gets dragged. He's mostly naked. Long haired. Sniffs Stretch. "You're not Karl."We go over a list of items rich dude wanted. "What'd he die of, Karl?" "He took his own life." Laughter. First stop Enzo.

Problem. The Jovi's angry brother. A monster. "He had murdered men...with his hands." Stretch runs a stop light.

Creepy rich guy has creepy book. Does some creepy blow. "Cocaine is my first [love]." He also loves whiskey and sadomaschism...I know I misspelled that. And he punches himself. "THAT METALLIC TASTE IS TREMENDOUS!"

Stretch shares his gambling debt story. "I have a gambling addiction." "That just means you lost more than you won."  Red lighting is taking over this stuff.

"Are you a firestarter?" "Yeah, sure." "Say it in stride."

"I am a fire starter." Long crazy hair and red lights. Yeah, sure. You're the devil. Crazy dude starts a fire. "NOW WE'RE ON FIRE!" Stretch stops the limo and the fire. "Do my bidding tonight and maybe...I'd dig down deep and make that $6,ooo worth of headache disappear."

The Devil just asked you to do his bidding, man. But, here we go.

New suit. Rich dude gets pampered by girls. "Ever heard of the Midnight Shadow." It's a home of...crazy stuff. Drugged out lepards. Orgies.

"I think fate brought us together." "To me, life is nothing but timing." "I'm going to steal that one."
Why am I just writing down lines? "That very soft...is that alpaca?"

Camo Secretary warns that rich guy is crazy and bail, but, you konw. Money. Oh hi, black mask wearing prostitutes. Gives a full envelope to Stretch with a direction. Meanwhile, date cancels.

Loud sex noises...well, maybe. Horrible horrible noises. I heard gurgling.

Midnight Shadow. Exceptionally weird. Guard licks the money in the envelope. No names. He opens the door and the former black masked girls are now in suits. HOLY CRAP, CRAZY BILLIONAIRE IS A SAMURAI NOW?! "I didn't see you get out." "Neither did I." So, Rich guy sends him after more cocaine because "These girls are aardvarks." Somehow like a video game, he is given a time stamp to go get a briefcase.

How did that dude get a disco ball in the limo?

He gets a call from the boss. Fires him because he didn't return the prop gun and badge. He gets the gun and badge and goes to find the briefcase. "Yeah, it's not Karos."

Karl with a K is back. He stands up to his imagination.

La rant doesn't want to give it to him since it's not Karos. It was supposed to be an exchange. Ledgers for briefcase. Situation is getting bleek. Fake badge, go. "I'll get you your ledgers." Hard sell on the cop thing. A briefcase...and he loses it at the end. Saves it well enough to get to the elevator.

Oh for goodness sake. It was a setup for Karos. Meanwhile, Karl with a K and Stretch celebrate in elevator.  So, the elevator stops a floor short...and sees his ex. He starts to follow while yelling at himself for doing so. "Seriously. What are you doing?"

Tries to play cool. Meanwhile they bug his limo which has bullet holes and is now reported as stolen.

So, yeah. Double meanwhile, she follows him onto the elevator. He gets his closure of making her feel bad about the break-up. She hangs on...he pays a dude $40 to drive him out to look cooler.  That dude makes it awkward. ...and the limo loses power. Dude bails. They argue. They push the limo.

Psycho brother from earlier appears in tow truck. Oh hey, and The Jovi is here, too. Psycho puts a cigarette out in his hand. "Wow. He's big." Yep.

Karl with a K watches in glee as Stretch punches himself in the face. "Hey, that works."

He calls Nav star. Plays a cop and Shoots off the blanks in the gun to convince them to start the car.

They do. He goes.

Cut to Bookie so we can randomly have naked breasts as he gets a lapdance and threatens death.

Comedy scene happens which leads to him picking up a dude with three ladies. Yes. They fit Karos description. Camo Secretary. "You are going to jail." He gets out to take off the license plate...Comedy Character steals the car. He goes to use the badge to commandeer a car. It goes poorly. Gets chased.

"What's the plan, Stretch? Successfully outrunning black men over a flat surface?!"

He gets hit by a car. it's an old woman. She sees the black men and freak out. He ducks in a restaurant and gets away...they caught the comedy character. Angry Psycho Brother is towing the limo. Stretch makes his move...it's flawed. Karl with a K mocks him. They tore the limo up. Angry Brother eventually notices that he's in the limo. Starts swerving to screw with him. "HERE WE GO AGAIN!"

This, however, breaks his line. It hits some of those water mah jig things. Limo is a go...eventually. Around the time Angry Brother jumps on hood. "We have rape party, huh?"

This nonsense is nonsensical.

Apparently they took the bug off when they got the limo? They now go all out. Helicopters, the works.

I dont even know how to describe what I just saw.

Nope.

Anyway, Crazy is back. He has his briefcase. Gets his blow. All is...good?

We get serious for a moment. Crazy is skipping out, selling out old business partners, hopping a jet. Stretch is something. I don't know. Sets up the bookie to go to the same place that Crazy is going to exchange cash for jet.

At Ivar, Rich dude is better non-samurai dressed. Bookie is there, too. Oh hi, Jovi. Jobi's brother. "You are my victim, huh?" Rich dude walks off. Bookie shows up with gun on angry brother.

"All that is left is the tip. The gratuity?" A rolled up $100. "You were late getting back to me. And to quote you, life is nothing but timing." He mocks him. Calls him a beta male. Karl with a K shows up. Mocks.

"Take comfort in this, you got beat by the best."

"I am a fire starter, Stretch...and you are not."

Cue helicopters and cops. Cops. Feds. Crazy goes for a fun., Stretch sees it. "Own the space. Own it."

"He couldnt' have been more wrong. I am a fire starter...and now we're on fire." Sets limo on fire, punches rich dude in the face, flings the money in the air like he just don't care. People scurry to it like Assassin's Creed...aww, Angry Brother got one. The Jovi appears bummed.

LIMO BOOM. Run, Stretch Run. Karl with a K is pleased. He runs into a cut scene for the next morning. The perpetual pink car he's seen goes by. Goes to the meeting place the text suggested earlier.

FBI found him. He explains his situation. "it sort of snowballed on me." They don't arrest him. I'm skimming over dialogue, finally. "You should do it professionally...I totally believed everything you were doing."

He texts a bit. PinkMinx. He's at the restaurant. I didn't realize he hadn't actually planned it. He turns, sees her hair. Cleans off his nose and goes to talk to her. Straightens his tie for his blood stained shirt.

Sits down.

it's Camo Girl. Jessica Biel. Irony. They kiss. And kiss. And credits. Yes indeed.
~~~~~~~~~~

Really enjoyable, quirky, dark-ish comedy. If you were interested by the horrible mess of notes I shared, please give it a look.

5 out of 5.

STRANDED

STRANDED (2013)


Starring: Christian Slater


And here...we...go

We're on the MOON! A Moonbase to be exact. With a crew of four people. I know this because a graphic just popped up and told me. Also it's Day 187 of a One Year Mission. Someone thinks they're witty.

So, a Mineral Exploration Camp on the Moon. Day Murder Death Kill.

"Alert. Incoming storm. Alert." So, a model of a moonbase has little rocks thrown at it, breaking stuff. Christian Slater seems nonplused.

"It's a rogue meteor shower!" How does that...what? Christian Slater yells at some guy over Future Skype. A woman at a monitor shouts that something is wrong because she's very up with the situation.

Communication Dies. At it to the body count. A drill gets hit. So, a malfunction things pops up and an "Emergency Alert" goes off about five minutes to late. So, we wake up a couple of side characters. One of which is lazy and doesn't want to get up.

Christian Slater calls for an evacuation. Not sure if it gets through.

Oxygen troubles. Levels 1 thru 3 are down. Thermal control is hurt. Christian Slater has them turn off the alarm since they should know.

A meteor hits and a wind machine throws debris at the cast. Title screen.

Shake-y name. Sad they didn't use the box art title font.

The woman is no longer at the monitor. Crawls a bit til a jump scare grabs her. Some random dude. I need names for these people. He can't breathe so let's call him Weezy. She gives him an air breather thing.

The others grab one, too.  A crew cut guy named Klauss hits Oxygen back-up so they won't have to wear these helmets all movie long. Good job.

"A meteor ripped a hole through the roof of haul three." You'd think they'd make those things steardier on the moon. Wheezy is still too Wheezy so the female character volunteers to do his emergency job. You suck, Wheezy.

She dons a breather. Slater warns her to suit up upon door opening. Wind Machine starts Wind Machine-ing her. She hits some fire with a non-future fire extinguisher. All the suits are destroyed...but one.
And it's burned...but she don't care. Stuff need done.

"No heroics. If it looks bad, abort." Easy for a man to say.

So, she goes out in a damaged suit to fix something I'm not 100% sure on. The Airlock failed on door three, but that's okay. Two other doors. Get to work, lady.

Slow motion walking with weird noises to build drama. Heavy breathing. Little light. Kind of like they're going for an Alien feel. I'm okay with that.

The bay is holding. Carbon Monoxide is off the charts. Whoop Whoop.

"There's been serious impact." Well...yeah.

Bay 4 is probably damaged. They decide to shut down an infiltration system. Again, not 100% what she's supposed to be doing. A meteor is embedded in the filter. "I'll try and lever it out." with a good old fashioned non-future steel pipe. Sets off a spout of steam into her covered face. Like when people used to run those big hamster balls over spots in American Gladiators.

She finds...something...but it's damaged.

"We're close to catastrophic collapse." Uh-oh?

She grabs the meteor. More steam to cover up stuff so we can't see. Bay Four  then proceeds to collapse/explode.

She's still in there, so Christian Slater goes all Christian Slater. Grabs a mask and runs off to help/save. Wheezy follows, able to breathe just fine now.

She's trapped under something. They untrap her. She brought the meteor. "It has some sort of spore on it." THEN WHY DO YOU WANT IT?!

Slater compliments her. Then we get a scene of her showering. She seems exhausted.

"95% of the power is down." Well, bummer. It'll take 92 hours to ascend. 72 hours to arrive. 164 hours. Slightly under a week.

The doctor says that the amount of CO will most likely make their lose their minds. Well, in smart person words. Hallucinations. Eventual death. Tells everyone to be on the watch for others acting odd.

There are just Four People here. Kind of wish we'd even had a fifth just to kill  off during that "It's so dangerous!" spot. "Spore? That sounds like foreign contagion!"

Slater tells them to shove the spore thing away because survival comes first. You know, that makes sense. "Scientists" he scoffs as they grumpily leave.

Cut to Klauss inspecting the Spore cause he sucks at listening. Yep. Find some. Petri dishes it. Shoves the rest in a container to act like he was doing what he was told. Spore looks like it's growing.

Main Girl shuts down the drill to save power. Then goes to check on Spore. "You got it contained?" "Yeah."

The stuff now looks like yucky oatmeal with an egg broke in it. She immediately cuts herself on something. I mean, seriously.

Her blood is left on the glass. That'll come back obviously.

Christian Slater tries to use Future Skype but it's updating or something. He repeats a message. Gets no reply. Meanwhile, female scientist Main Girl wipes off her own blood. With her bare hands. She's a DAGGONE SCIENTIST!

Stuff looks like pancake batter slathered in mustard. Apparently this stuff coulse "evolve." She starts showing signs of sickness. Leaves. Gets sick in the hall. Blurry visioned. Pains. Collapses. Obviously the rest of the movie will be a CO induced nightmare.

Klauss and Wheezy check on her. Give her water. She's apparently pregnant. Christian Slater walks in and just about loses his daggone mind. Grabs Wheezy to explain what's going on to him. We stick with Klauss talking her down. "massively accelerated pregnancy" thanks Klauss.

Outside, Slater is yelling at Wheezy. She notices. Klauss tells her to rest. And then leaves. "You're safe here." You suck at lying, Klauss.

Slater wants to Quarantine because he's not stupid. "Six months pregnant in 24 hours" is dropped. Slater isn't showing favortism. I seriously don't blame him.

Cut to Main Girl waking up and having a baby crawl out of her. Yeah. You read that. He comforts it...and it's a dream. Since she's having a nightmare, Klauss tries to rush in. Surprise,  Christian Slater done blocked your attempts to kill the other three by being stupid.

Slater eventually lets him in. Wheezy follows. They think "This is a type of cyst." Yes, perhaps a cancer that replicates pregnancy. Well. That sounds dumb. Slater should just lock them all in there and go eat some snack bars while waiting.

Okay, I think this delivery may be real this time. She's off the table. We hear some crunching effects. She passes out...and continues screaming.

Klauss and Wheezy arrive first, then Slater who is instantly shouting not to touch the woman who is bleeding weird goo out of her.

"What happened?" she asks, while somehow still being alive. Slater wants to leave. Shouts the word "Quarantine" again. I think he's losing some of his power. Slater just locks the doctor in with her, dragging out Wheezy. "She's infected!" "This is how you repay her?" What a stupid rebuttal. Wheezy flips off Slater who is pretty much the only likable person in this entire daggone movie.

Wheezy goes his room. Opens a fancy book light that is supposed to be a future recorder. Thinks he is getting some Carbon Monoxide poision while also worried about the weird good. "Heating has been off for seven hours." Wheezy's name is Bruce Johns. I will continue to call him Wheezy.

So, in the Quarantine Room. Baby be sucking. Then has a predator mouth. Kind of freaks out the mama. A decent reaction. However, Slater does the stupid thing and rushes in to help. Dude what are you doing?

She throws him around with weird power and the other two appear from script. Weird Baby stares at Wheezy. Bites his leg. Then escapes. You all suck, now. Daggone it, Slater.

"There's nothing in here." And now Slater is turning into a dumb character. Daggone it! They claim his weird baby vision was Carbon Monoxide. "I'm locking this room down." STOP DOING THAT!

She describes what happened. Klauss says it's fake. Wheezy and Main Girl are now partners in weird baby belief. We watch her breath for a little then cut back to Wheezy now walking around. Does this room ever actually get locked down? We see a door that has been broken into.

Klauss checks Wheezy. That quibble over glass vs baby bite. Banter useless banter. Wheezy slug-a-chugs some alcohol. That should help your whole "Believe me!" thing. We get a locker cam with little trill noises. Like a reverse game of Amensia, Wheezy looks around. Then looks in a mirror. Oh no. He looks in the mirror. Looks at his hands. They're getting bubbled. He looks at the mirror and HE'S ALL PUSS FACED! But it's a fake out. Locker cam watches on.

Cut to a Robot. Toy sized. Running. Wheezy seems confused. Opens a closet. Nothing there. Slater is demanding someone actually work on fixing something. Wheezy does so. Moves stuff around. Screens say mostly bad reports. Model stuff moves. Weird baby chills in the background. Wheezy works around steam, which seems dumb. Pops pills. That should help. Mixes alcohol. You're the best.

Tiny baby fingers. Playing peek-a-boo. Solar Panels at 25%. Guess that's...something? Slater is working, is told the attena is broke. Doctor is worried. "Guess it's just you and me, then." "For now." Yeah, you suck, too, Doc Klauss.

Wheezy hallucinates or stuff. Robot appears again. Baby becoming non-baby. Short circuits the robot. So, we have adult creey baby that looks like Wheezy. It garbles. We get a full frontal shot. Wheezy wheezes in his room. He then starts whimpering. Grabs his liqour. Will we please just finish off this character? "I am not going insane!" he repeats while banging his head on the wall. You know, sane stuff.

He knocks out the light, allowing for him to turn on a flashlight and see AlienWheezy. Cut to Klauss wlaking in, but Wheezy is alone and sniffling.  "I want you to sweat the alcohol out of your system." See, you're Otis in Space.

He takes a break from jogging on a future treadmill (it looks like a regular one) to get a drink of water. Turns around to see AlienWheezy doing some running. "You should be scared" music plays as I laugh.

Cut to Slater. He's watching the Main Girl Sees...something? He "knew it" though. Goes to her. "I need to see your finger." Yep. She got cut. Touched the spore. "Why didn't you report this?" "Oh yeah, you know all the rules," Yeah. He does. She talks rather dumb. She sees AlienWheezy. "You're suffering from contagion" and he locks her down for like the 8th time. Sadly, AlienWheezy cracks him in the back. Klauss finds him.

Medical Bay. "It would appear the chain of command has broken down." Also, we're back to Alien Locker Vision. Cause, hide and seek, y'all.

Klauss lets Main Girl go. Wheezy is wandering about. Robot be robot-ing. "I know you're in here." He looks at his leg. It's all warted up with space whatever. "What is happening to me?" I think you know, dude. So, Wheezy goes to commit suicide, but can't do it. With a knife at least. It's easier to chomp some pills and swing some alcohol.

Slater goes back Main Girl, finds her out and about. "I'm not going to hurt you. It's company rules." I still say Slater isn't all that bad. She stabs him. He tranqs her. Klauss appears and helps him out of the room. He locks it down for like the 9th time.

Wheezy wakes up. "Whatta you want?" Looks in the mirror. Looks nasty. Breaks mirror. AlienWheezy finds a broken shard of glass.

Elsewhere, Slater is stitched up. Klauss holds up the tranq "You got an answer for this?" "She threatened me," so he went to sedate him. "She cut her finger on a test tube with the spores...she's infected." Slater was given strong antibiotics that make him weak. I worry.

Klauss looks at her finger. "Why would you hide that." We are really retreading information to fill time. She tells him he's making a mistake. "Ask Bruce."

Cut to bloody glass shard. AlienWheezy did a number on ActualWheezy. Took his clothes. Finally takes his necklace. Klauss starts banging on the door, then overrides it. Finds dead Wheezy. Contaminates the scene by covering the body. The book reader recorder is on. So, let's listen to that.

Oh, it's hologrammed. "Whatever came out of Ava...is here. I can see it. The ****ing thing is stalking me. It's studying me. It's driving me ****ing crazy." Great last words, Wheezy.

Cut to Slater, AlienWheezy comes in and goes for the kill. He counters and grabs some sort of gun looking thing. It disappears. "Whatever you think you saw, think again," Oh hai, trailer line.

Oh, it's not a locker. It's an air shaft. How...Alien. They go to Main Girl Ava. "I'm sensing what it's doing." We get an information dump. It's useless. They let her go. Slater sends a recording/update.

Meanwhile, AlienWheezy cuts off the oxygen. "He knows where the escape pod is!" So, Slater stays behind to try and override the stuff while the other two go out to find AlienWheezy.

Alien cut the line to something...So they fix it. Thrilling stuff. "It knows we're trying to kill it." It can sense her, so she runs off.

Directly to it. It punches her in the gut. She opens an airlock door. Slater gets Ava while Klauss goes to shut the door. Stuff breaks down. Slow motion. Yelling. Slater grabs Ava's hand. Klauss overrides.

AlienWheezy is still on board and locks Klauss in the room. He tries to crack the door. They hit buttons while a voice counts down. Klauss gives up rather fast and just stares at Ava. Then...kind of explodes from pressure. Bummer, brother.

Slater decides to go check Wheezy's room for clues. They find dead Wheezy. I AM NOT INSANE wrote in a notebook. When did you have time to do that? She gives Wheezy his necklace back. Hologram recorder.

"This thing grew in Ava. I-I couldn't reveal to the crew that I was infected with it...it's cloning itself into me...Maybe as it's evolved into a human form, it'll be easier to kill. Maybe Carbon Monoxide...Leave in the escape pod."

"How long to prep the pod." "Too long." Great. Then they decide to sacrifice the station. I get the feeling, it may have AlienWheezy who left that message. Could be wrong.

Anyway, they go prep the escape pod they've had the entire time. So, they prep. She diverts the fuel lines. They bring up how little light they have to see with. Slater almost shoots her in the face. AlienWheezy starts breathing Carbon Monoxide. Slater tells her to go to the pod. She doesn't want to split up.

Slater seems to be setting up a heroic sacrifice. He works on getting the pod ready to launch. "Launch Sequence Initiated."Ava doesn't answer him. He throws on a breather and heads out to find her. Launch in three minutes. They're at 80 Percent.

AlienWheezy is near. Seems grumpy. "Gerard, it's here" Holy crap, Christian Slater's name in this movie is Gerard?!

So, fight scene between Slater and AlienWheezy. Ava gets smacked with a pipe. Slater gets thrown about. He puts the oxygen thing on Ava. It goes into the pod and they realize they have to stop it. So they run into a fog room sharing oxygen. 30 seconds til launch. They get to a room, shut the door. Gets to the main desk. Slater goes to shut off the pod. Countdown, again.

Three, Two, One, Launch. It takes off...for Earth. DUN DUN DUNNN. So, they're out of oxygen. "Units dead." "Emergency Tanks." Seventeen minutes of oxygen remains.

Cut to a ship landing. Is it real? Slater tries to contact them. Distorted voices. Ships keeps landing. Shuttle beacon. "It's landing!" "Think they'll make it?"

"Can you hold your breath for three and a half minutes and run?" They flip a coin. Heads means wait...it lands on head. Screw that. They go. We don't see how that ends.

Meanwhile, on Earth, pollution. Oh, and a crashed escape pod.  A military vehicles rides up to it with Commander Skype Call from earlier. Other officers. "Doors must've opened on impact."

"No one came out of here. We'd see tracks." "Get this pod under tracks." They start to seal off the area. Meanwhile, like 30 feet to the left, an alien is changing. Hey, Slater and Ava made it.

"Whatever comes out of that pod, kill it!"

Cut to Alien, now looking...plain alien. It roars at the camera. Okay, then.

The end.

 2 out of 5: Well. Abrupt ending. I made the mistake of thinking the film would end up being like John Carpenter's "The Thing" in space. In all, it was a dull run time filler at best.

Trick Or Treat

And here...we...go.

Opening with an old black and white 'what to do on Halloween' video inter-cut with stuff.

Halloween. Semi-Happy Couple. Woman hates holiday. Immediately starts taking down the decorations. This apparently upsets some random wacko, so he kills her while her Man is insane 'enjoying' an adult film. Outstanding. He finally realizes she's been for too long, goes outside, and finds her dead with a pumpkin lollipop shoved in her mouth.

Cue opening credits. "Trick 'r Treat." Comic book style. Like Creepshow. Shows off a kid with a pumpkin mask alot.

So, we get backstory on the town's love of Haloween. Then a little kid in a bear suit peeps on attractive girls getting dressed in slutty costumes. Except the good girl of the group who is apparently Red Riding Hood.

Fat kid destroys pumpkins. Then goes up to a house that has a "Please take one piece." He takes it all, but the owner is behind him. Makes the fatty stay.

Back to the slutty crew, Red Riding Hood is a virgin and this is a bad thing.

Back with Fatty and Creepy Business Man, the Man starts monologuing about how Halloween is about respecting the dead. How the traditions were started to "protect us" but no once cares now. Fatty starts coughing on the candy he was eating. The man then brings up another important tradition. "Check your candy." That's one dead Fatty. Man eats a lollipop. Drags Fatty inside. He's interrupted by Trick 'r Treating kids. They reveal he's the local principal and he lets them take a pumpkin.

However, Pumpkinhead'd kid from the opening credits is also there.

Back at the Slut Pack, Red Riding Hood doesn't have a 'date' yet so the group abandons her. True friends.

Elsewhere, Principal buries Fatty. His son is back from Trick 'r Treating though so there's another distraction. He's then interrupted by a barking dog. So he tears off a finger and gives it to the dog. But then the dog's owner comes outside. Fatty somehow brings to life. So, Principal stomps him a couple times. Neighbor heard so Principal explains the hole as him fixing his septic tank. Sure, why not. Fatty is still alive. Kid is back to annoy Daddy. Gee, imagine all the trouble you could've avoided by just scaring the daggone Fatty.

As Principal goes back into his house, he sees his neighbor banging on a window and shouting for help. He ignores it and we see the guy tackled offscreen. Inside, Principal Random Murder takes his son downstairs. "Let's carve a scary face, this time." We're supposed to think he's going to stab the kid, but instead they share the enjoyment of carving up Fatty's head.

Trick 'r Treating Kids knock on the door of a very lewd party. Get another pumpkin. Some other kid shows up with some more pumpkins. "Is this enough." They go to a house that seems to have 3 dozen pumpkins. "Why didn't we just start here?" Okay. I chuckled. There's an "idiot savant" at this place named Rhonda. Because they want some/all the pumpkins, they have the older guy of the group talk to her.

Elsewhere, some random woman makes out with some random man who won't let her reveal his face. Always a great sign. After a minute, she realizes she's bleeding and he reveals he has pointed teeth. No one believes her and eventually we cut to her dead, blood running from neck, and the cloaked guy walks away.

Back to the Pumpkin Crew, Rhonda has now joined them. Rock Quarry. Some random city legend about a school bus massacre. Flashback storytelling. Driver took the kids to the abandoned Rock Quarry instead. By the way, Pumpkin'd Kid was there, too. So, "special" kids. Parents hired the busdriver to kill them, but one got free and drove them all off a cliff so they all drowned. Thanks, story.

"The driver was never heard from again." We see him survive. So the plan is for them to leave 8 jack-o-lanterns as an offering or some such nonsense. The Quarry elevator only holds 3, so Rhonda and Nervous Pirate kid are left behind for now.

Elsewhere, Not-So-Slutty-Red Riding Hood still hasn't found a date. The cloaked guy spots her. A howl sounds out.

Rhonda hears it. "Werewolves..." The elevator returns. Down they go. As they go down, they see the lit pumpkins, representing their...friends...disappearing with shouts. Rhonda walks out but Pirate is too scared.
"Okay. Don't let the candles go out and they'll protect you."

Wouldn't be surprised if the twist is she's the one who got loose and drove the bus over the cliff or some such nonsense. Or the kid of the kid. I don't know...she finds the bus. It's decidedly not sank. Also finds the masks of the others. Reaches for a mask, signifying a jump scare. Decompossed kids attack her. She runs past a dead Pirate who apparently didn't keep the candles lit.

Loses her glasses. Gets cornered. Falls into water. Not too deep, but she's KOd. Surprise, it was all a prank by the others. She wakes up and still freaks. She hit her head and the one guy comforts her. Angers the lead girl of the group.

There is one pumpkin still lit. "If this was all a trick, how is the bus here?" Noises start being made. Probably shouldn't have doused the last pumpkin. Cut to the other two. Screaming from the bus area. He goes to investigate. Discovers the others running. Suddenly...the real randomly decomposing kids appear. Quickly grab the fodder girl. Back at the elevator, Rhonda is in and locked the door. They beg her to open it. She takes her sweet time and then hits the "Up" button, leaving them to die. Did I mention she a pumpkin. Cause she does. Anyway, we hear the kids screaming bloody murder as she leaves. Pumpkin'd Kid appears and she walks past him.

Meanwhile, Red Riding Hood is being stalked by the Big Bad Werewolf...probably. She's walking and being followed by noises. Turns and suddenly, cloaked guy is there. Elsewhere, her slutty friends (and apparently sister) wait for her.

"My, My, what big eyes you have..." Well, she gets bit. At the party, Red Riding Hood slams to the ground. They check and...it's the cloaked guy. So, let's get to the twist of them being evil or some such nonsense. One of the slutty girls takes the man's fake fangs and mask. It's the principal. "Who are you people." Cut to dead bodies everywhere. They're circled around a fire. He freaks, but it doesn't matter cause his leg is broken.

So Red Riding Hood seductively sits on Prinicpal "It's my first time so...just bear with me." Cut to the girls dancing, stripping, and transforming into something. CGI abounds. "What are you doing?" Rips off their skin to reveal a Werewolf in sheep's clothing. And yes, Pumpkin'd Kid is watching.

We get an "Earlier" card...again. We're back to the angry neighbor and his loud dog. Guess we get the story behind his offscreen tackle. He had his dog scare kids so they'd drop their candy. He drinks and chows down.

Watch him go about the earlier scene. Something running around watching him. Suddenly, his porch/yard is full of decorated pumpkins and there is a noise upstairs. He turns on a light but it bursts. The dog squeals in pain. He takes his shotgun and heads upstairs. Willing to bet a pretty penny that he was the bus driver and Rhonda is going to kill him. I've been wrong before.

Bedroom has Trick or Treat writing all over the place. And his leg muscle gets cut. Hey, it's Pumpkin'd Kid. After revealing a razorblade candy bar, the man blasts him with a shotgun...and he erupts into candy. Odd. Man falls down the stairs. Gets his hands full of glass. Kid is crawling on the ceiling. Jumps onto his back. Stuggling. Finally get the rewind to the "Help me" and ignoring. Pumpkin'd Kid is actually a pumpkin skull or some such nonsense.

Bites into the old man who shoots him again. Reloads. Shoots him again. Goes to call...anyone, I assume. 911. Phone cord pulled. The hand of the pumpkin'd one is still moving and stabs him. Crawls off. "You gotta be ****ing kidding me."

The hand wakes up Pumpkin one. Mask back on. Giant Pumpkin lollipop. Bites it. Jagged edge. Man goes for his bottle of whiskey. Breaks it and goes to swipe. Blocked. The Pumpkin stabs...and gets a candy bar. Takes a bite and starts to leave. Turns. Door flings open and he leaves.

We cut to the fireplace showing that the Man is the bus driver. I'm awesome.  Sadly, Pumpkin wasn't Rhonda.

LATER. Man is Trick or Treated. Gives the kids some candy. He's all bandaged up and one kid compiments his "mummy" costume. Next door, creepy kid is giving away candy.

We're back to the start of the movie, but with characters we recognize. So, it seems that Pumpkin'd is the one who killed Mouthy Woman. Bus Driver goes back inside. There's a knock at the door. The kids from the bus are there.

"Trick 'r Treat."

Cut to comics. Bus Driver screams. Credits.

Circle C = Warner Bros

Score: 4 out of 5. I love a good anthology and this is definitely a worthy one. Intertwining stories helps ensure the flow never lets up and the majority of the tales are entertaining.

THE DEVIL'S TOMB

The Devil's Tomb.

And here we go....Oh, hello Ron Perlman. Hope your electricity bill didn't inconvenience you too much.

Apparently, as part of his investigation at "Creepy Horror Place" a scientist has to sacrifice himself. Ron Perlman is here to give us voice over foreshadowing...but just showing him. A way to make it seem less contrived. Not really helping.

Also random scenes with static video not showing what's going on but including yelling and brief shots of craziness. Unseen people debate on who to send to the location Perlman was talking about...

Hi, Cuba Gooding Jr.

Voice over from CUBA. "It turns out some things can't be killed with a bullet." Thanks Cubes.

Rookie! Always have to have the inexperienced rookie.

Cuba introduces the crew to his elite squad, but the Important Scientist interupts on the last person to reveal she's already read up on them. Then...why didn't you interrupt at the start of the spiel? Oh...so I'd know them. Sorry. That's not going to work. I don't remember names, I remember the cliches they represent.

Elite Squad is all about blowing stuff up. "We're shake and bake, not search and rescue." Thanks other squad member who played Vampire Billy the Kid in Bloodrayne 2.

Apparently a "quake" shook the creepy horror place and trapped Ron Perlman. A nice cover to drag the elite squad. Oh wait, no. They still should expect something if the "Shake and Bake" is being called in for a rescue.

Hello soundtrack. You're very generic today.

Oh look, two of the squad has a crush on each other.I'm sure both he and she will make it. Cuba has a flashback about the two. Uh...thanks?

Rookie is shunned cause he's a rookie. Hello Mr. Cliche. They flew into a storm. Why is this movie reminding me of Clive Barker's Jericho?

"This wind will burn your skin like a blow torch...so stay tight." And...away they go. Rookie trips because he's a rookie. Ha. Ha. HA.

Is walking in the sandy wind supposed to be dramatic? The soundtrack seems to think so. Did I mention that one of the girls is named Yoshi?

The rookie complains about the heat. Cause he's a rookie.

Yoshi is so observant that an infected man gets the drop on her, even if she does easy knock him off. Hey, it's a preacher. "This looks like radiation poisoning...but I don't know." Best Doctor. Ever. "

"What's a priest doing here?" I guess being a preacher. Nothing like having a random conversation full of innuendo over a dying preacher.

Meanwhile, the Scientist turns on Motion Sensors. Plenty of things around. The whole base is shut down. So the rookie gets to prove himself by hacking it. The quake didn't hurt anything. Oh noez. It was destroyed...FROM THE INSIDE!

What the heck is with random Cuba Gooding flashbacks? Just...I don't know. Bits and pieces of stuff.

Vampire BTK is the smart mouth. Earns him babysitting duty on the slime-y priest. "Nothing is to be removed from this station...including him." Poor dying radiated preacher.

Slow elevator ride. "So, this isn't so bad." Rookie jinxes it. Cause he's the rookie!

"Welcome to hell." Seriously cliche tough guy? That's all you got? Is this a Doom knockoff now? Where's the BFG?

Oh good. Random image with creepy voice. I'll guess that's our supernatural presence of the movie. Formerly booby-trapped place. Full of C4. This won't matter later whatsoever, I'm certain of it.

Oh good. We're going to get the subtle religious subplot.  "We've been called many things...Wesley isn't one of them." A creepy demonic guy appears and starts babbling quasi-religious rhetoric before spitting alien-like acid blood on the generic tough guy and getting shot by Cuba.

The Doc is religious, so this freaks her out when the creepy guy knows her name.

Token Rookie Guy ambles off and falls on his own accord because rookie = completely useless. He finds a dead body though. Good work Columbo.

Instead of tranq-ing the creepy guy, Doc instead gets to suffer delusions and be slowly corrupted. Good job. Random shot of alien looking thing.

"I speak a bunch of languages. What? You can't?" Shut up, Rookie.

Doc disappears as they investigate the dead guy. Cue the soundtrack as the chase after her signal. Meanwhile, Vampire BTK has found a lady mag. "The priest is still passed out and creepy." That's not going to last long.

Cuba. Can you please stop repeating parts of your flashback when having flashbacks? It wastes time.

Walking. Searching. Soundtracking. Dramatic Chording. Splitting two groups.

SPHE? Rookie drops something, spooking the crew...cause he's the rookie.

Rookie backs into another person and jumps...cause he's the rookie.

Rookie is afraid to open a locked door...cause he's the rookie.

Should these sentences be happening so close together?! Hey, a new, more electrified, creepy body.

Back with Cuba's group, we find more bodies. Wrapped in barbwire. They hear Ron Perlman's voice. Move forward. Surprise. It's a video. "A cosmic game of good cop, bad cop..." psychobabble.

As Cuba and group goes after Doc, a couple stay behind to guard, and put up with the irritating Ron Perlman psychobabble. Hey, it's creepy guy again. "She's not your soldier anymore." Oh look, he carved a cross on his chest. More religious babble.

"We will dine on the afterbirth of her new beginning." That line is so stupid that Cuba instantly caps him in the skull. Thanks Cubes.

Meanwhile, the video must be looping because we return to hear Ron talk about the "Cosmic game..."

Yoshi has a vision as we see a flash of encased alien. She disappears. Uh-oh.

Creepy guy gets up from getting shot in the skull. More anti-religion talk and generic tough guy empties and entire clip into him.

Meanwhile, vampire BTK is watching a movie upstairs. Hilarious.

Cuba gets his Arnold in Predator "You knew" lines to Scientist.

"My job is to get my team out alive. If I shoot somebody and they don't die, it makes it hard for me to do my ****ing job." Agreed.

Door springs open. It's...HENRY ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLINS!

Perlman's character is Wesley. I keep wanting to call him Wesker. Rollins explains the soldier would've been taken to the "temple" "How'd you know she was taken?" Nice one, Cubes.

Yoshi is wandering around having her deluded visions. Yes, of course your kid is down in this place with the bear your mother gave you on your 5th birthday...Sigh. The vision becomes monsterous and she starts firing. So other people gravitate nearby and we get the Predator: Shoot at something though you don't know what" scene.

"It always starts with hallucinations." Thank you Preacher Rollins.

Cuba is tired of this. "You take us to the Temple right now, or I put a bullet in your head, right now." Great writing.

More flashback, yay. Come on Cubes. Can't you just have this all at once? Or at least pick up where you left off instead of slightly recapping?

Meanwhile, Vampire BTK sees a vision of an attractive and very naked lady. I've seen that gimmick used before, but at least you found a way to throw in nudity.

Preacher Rollins got gagged for running his mouth.

Vampire BTK is doomed. Doesn't wonder where naked girl came from and surprise it's actually the priest in illusion. So, he gets a mouth full of acid spit before the quick drag jump scare finale.

Elsewhere, rookie wonders away from the group...cause he's a rookie He gets snuck up on by the fattest man in the movie to date...cause he's the rookie. Thankfully Cuba is there to shoot the guy.

Generic Tough Guy wastes some ammo and explosives even though we've established these guys get back up. Oh good, it caved in the path so they need to find an alternate way out. So that's why he did that.

Ancient "Fire and Brimstone" stuff. The rookie can read Latin...but he can't read Spanish. Because he's...stupid?

Whenever a creepy body is floating in a container, 99% of the time if you stare at it, it will open its eyes. "I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I'm tired of you gun ho mother ****ers acting like you've got this under control." I'll give you three guesses who said that...cause he's the rookie.

Yoshi hears the voice of her kid and instantly bails because no one learns from anything in this movie. She finds Doc. Creepy acting Doc. More religious babble. This movie thinks it has a point. But it comes off heavy handed.

"Of course I see your unborn child. She's beautiful." Thanks for that obvious slap in the face movie.

"What is this?"
"The wrath of god."
"You may not believe this, father, but you are expendable."

Cuba doesn't like people beating around the bush. Okay, the alien isn't an alien. It's an angel. An angel "cast out" from heaven...that probably would probe you if it got the chance.

Preacher Rollins gets his big scene. "That's not ice...that's the hand of god." Henry is good once he gets rolling in a character. Shockingly enough, the person who got Cuba's team down there knew all about this.

Meanwhile back at Yoshi. "Is this a dream?" Yes, Yoshi. It's a dream you absolute genius.

Doc starts...seducing (?) Yoshi while the kid watches and smiles. Well, that's somewhat creepy. Nice job. Doc kisses Yosh.

Rollins is getting ranty. His rant makes Yoshi's male friend realize she's gone so he and someone else rush out to find her. They're too late as Yoshi gets stabbed in the back. Thankfully, this doesn't disturb one last kiss for...? I don't know.

Back to Cuba's flashback. Uniquely enough the people in it who aren't with the group have been killed. So, some guy takes some other guys cross. Cuba, can you please pick up the speed on this?

Yoshi's guy and Generic Tough Guy find blood. Dun Dun Duh.

Rookie is breaking down. "We gotta get out of here." Gee, I bet  it's because...never mind.

Doc hops out all disgusting like. Generic Tough Guy sees through it while Yoshi's guy orders him not to. So, this group is in the 'Slowly being Eliminated' phase.

An "infected" woman jumps on Rookie. Generic Tough Guy reappears and blows her brain out. Informs that Yoshi's Guy took a shot at him. I do find it amusing that the muscle head has been able to see through the illusions.

"I ain't no ****ing soldier!" I wonder who said that?

Preacher Rollins realizes something about Scientist Girl and runs off to probably die. Yoshi's Guy finds Yoshi or something resembling her. Just get knocked off already so the plot can movie on, please.

In case the movie hasn't beat you in the head with it, Yoshi had an abortion. It was Yoshi's Guy's seed. She felt pretty bad about that.

He looks at her back and it's all disgusting like. Then Yoshi shows that she's a spitter. "Acid" to the face. Then Doc just makes things worse by ripping out the guy's throat. That seemed excessive

Scientist finally starts giving information. Turns out this was a suicide mission. Everyone to be killed to prevent any "evil" from escaping. Less than 30 minutes from explosions.

"Wesley is ALL four horsemen rolled into one." Uh...okay?

Cuba picks up on the fact that the thing was started before they got on the elevator. So, she must have wanted to find Wesley anyway. It's a good point.

A quake occurs. Generic Tough Guy holds a door so everyone else can get out. Great. Generic Tough Guy is the only one coming off as a daggone hero. He has a fight scene with three infected and then blows himself up.

Meanwhile, Preacher Rollins runs into barbwire like an idiot. Doc appears to finish him off. Bye exposition priest. Daggone, movie, you are tying up your loose ends as quickly as possible, huh?

10 minutes left. It's Cuba, The Scientist, and Rookie...And they run into Mr. Perlman.

"What's left of your father is very sad to see you here."

"My time in this skin suit is almost over. I need you to bring me a new set of clothes..."

Apparently, Perlman has the power inside of him or something. I don't know. Not at all. He's the main baddie and they can't let him leave. Power of Casting I guess.

Rookie locks and loads...but his gun jams...because...heck with it.

Scientist runs away. Rookie gets spit on. Glad he made it this far to be final fight fodder.

"You look like ****."
"I never felt better."

Sigh.

Perlman tells Cuba he'd make a good angel. So the angel has inhabited Perlman's body. Got it, movie. Sorry, guess I was slow. Tempting Cuba with illusions might work better if you're not openly telling him they're illusions. Just a simple ProTip for you Mr. Fallen Angel.

Ex-Wife. Daughter. Best Friend, aka Guy from the Flashback.

We finally get the end of said flashback that has padded out the film. Cuba apparently shot his...best friend?
"I did what I was told."

So Cuba gets swirled around between the best friend and Ron Perlman as they taught him. A background voice says "Our name is legion." Cuba acts as if he's giving in. Takes out the bible from the flashbacks.

"Maybe God does have a plan..." setting off Perlman once again. Religious rhetoric. Man given choice and immediately uses it to choose not to believe. The movie close to ending, I suppose they needed to sling that one in there.

"Thank God for free will" Perlman smirks. Cuba agrees and shoots an exploding barrel. Said barrel catches Perlman on fire and he then...explodes...or something? Whatever.

Cuba finds Doc who...dies? Scientist rushes to her father to pray over him. And, of course, is infected.

"What have you done?"
"What I was trained to do...free my father's soul."

Sure. Okay. She gives him her necklace and tells him he has to leave her. Probably tired of all this crap, Cuba agrees and takes off for the nearest exit ASAP as Quakes shake the area.

He gets in the elevator. Oh, Vampire BTK had came downstairs so no jump scare is waiting on him. He hops out and runs some more. Pops open the hatch and gets outside (Thankfully no razor like sand storm or he'd be boned).

Slow motion Cuba run as the underground place explodes.

We see a helicopter landing. Cuba on the ground. But he made it. "For the first time, I know my purpose, my place in the world. I have a new mission. Bigger than myself. A new soldier in a very old war."

I...have completely missed the point of this movie. Daggone it.

I guess that just means Cuba is relgious now, but having a showdown with a fallen angel could probably do that for many people. It's kind of hard to explain that away.

Ice Cold Productions LLC is the Author and Creator of this Motion
Picture for the Purpose of Copyright.

No After the Credits Scene. Not sure why I thought there would be

Score: 3 out of 5. Crazy movie that is interesting amid its cliches. Besides, you've got Cuba Gooding Jr and you can't go wrong with that...unless you do, but I don't think it's possible. Yes. Even Snow Dogs. What were we talking about? Never mind.

Playback

PLAYBACK

Netflix Summary: "Harlan Diehl slaughtered his family, capturing the deed on video. When students learning about the case watch the tape, they unleash a powerful evil."

Open OCT 21 1994

Video tape shots of random nonsense while flies buzz. The white static has mumbling over it, we pull back yet retain tape static/breaks. A bloody hand grabs a labeled tape. Walks upstairs. Dog barks. Static is annoying.

Nice crappy truck. Blood from dead body leaks down it. A person screams inside the house and we walk in to see a random person crawling and begging "For my baby." Static shows a doggie. Hi doggie. Woman is killed.

In bathroom, another dead woman. We cut out to show the person holding the camera, yet we still have these annoying edits/cuts.

Zoom in on the baby that stops crying when the killer arrive. Baby looks worried and we cut out to the earlier TV. This young man slams his hand on the TV. Baby waves at camera. Hi baby.

Light comes out of the camera as the person shoves their hand into the TV. Cop sirens bring things back to reality. This is Harlan running around, by the way. The cops signal his cue to run for it.

Dedicated Momma tries to stop him but he knocks her down and runs outside. The cops arrive. Pull guns. "WHO ELSE IS IN THE HOUSE?!" Yeah, good first question.

"PUT THE BABY DOWN!" There you go.Puts baby down by camera. Hands up. Dedicated Momma runs out and stabs him, but he chucks her off the porch. "PUT THE KNIFE DOWN!"

He dives off the porch with the knife, getting shot twice, and stabs the DM in the chest as the baby cries. Well...that could've been avoided.

Baby cries in slow motion as more cops arrive late. Irritating cut reverses things as we cut back to the static TV. Well, then. Black and white video of people walking. Close ups of the baby.

PLAYBACK.

IPhone. Dead body in a car with happy peppy music to let you know this is a recreation. A group of college students trying to recreate the the murders.

"This was a rehearsal." "That was take 12."

"Hide your face. You're playing the dad and you look like a teenager." "I am a teenager." Teen then requests a beer. Whooo. Party, amirite?!

So, Peppy music continues into take 13 and I already hate everyone in the daggone cast. This should go great. Split shot of him recording along with what he's recording. The pizza arrives mid shot, ruining the scene.

Cut to class with babbling teacher about journalism. Newspaper clips all over the back wall. "Yay Pizza!" girl is apparently a teacher's pet.

Cut to soccer! Uh...okay.Yay Pizza did a half hour presentation on bridges. Turns out this forced horror movie is for a project. Creepy van appears. This guy owns the camera he was using. "Can I invite him to the party?" "Too old and creepy."

The guy is quiet, shy, and wearing black. Main Guy babbles about the shoot and invites the guy to the party. He says no until a specific girl is mentioned. I have no clue who that is.

Asks Creepy to look into Harlan, but Creepy doesn't know about him. I think we're supposed to believe he's the baby...but it's probably main guy. First ten minute guess.

Creepy be smoking. Goes to the TV station. "What happened to that equipment." *Flips bird* Out, Creepy is a rebel. In to a dark basement we go.

Old computers everywhere...but who cares, it's time for a shot of the girls talking. It's a locker room so, someone is obviously recording it. This gets us our R-Level nudity for the film. This goes on during a discussion of how one girl is having a birthday, explaining the party. I swear one topless girl smiled at the camera.

Zoom out to show...HI CREEPY! And he recorded it. Cool story, bro. Gets a reminder text and finds some Harlan video.

Reporter gives cliche report on it. "A family of four...murdered!" "How could something like this happen...and WHY?"  Phone call immediately after report. Wow, this guy is really pushy about his real footage. "In an hour."

CUT TO PARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTAY. People are immediately tackled into the pool to indicate PARTY! And PARTY MOOOOOONING. And Birthday Girl is Brianna. Now I know. He boyfriend got her a vibrator...as predicted.

Stupid jokes. Women profess that there are 4 different kinds of orgasms. We get this drug out longer than it should be. OH YES. OH NO. OH GOD. OH NATE!" Get it, cause that's his name and she always fakes it. GET IT.

Back to Creepy. He finds the raw murder footage.Watches it. It's static-y because screw you movie. The killer wakes up and dives at the camera at the end. It breaks the tape. Uh...okay.

Back to Party. Blonde Girl and Some Guy make out. Turns out Boyfriend did get the gift Brianna wanted, but she's too mad for him to stop and get them. It's tickets to a concert.

Creepy fixes the tape back to when Killer lunges at the camera. "RAWR!!!!!" Somehow this allows the killer to possess Creepy or some such nonsense. Cryptic mumbling. Head shaking. THOSE IRRITATING CUTS.

Creepy ends the scene, eyes wide, unmoving. Maybe he's just dead. Back at the scene of the murders...uh...nothing. Cut to a police car being pulled up to. Hey, it's Deputy Christian Slater.
He buys the lockerroom footage off Creepy. Oh, wonderful. PLUS SIDE, I GUESS
CREEPY was possessed.

Back to Party. "Top Horror Film, go!" "The Ring!" "Scream!" "Freaky Friday!" I hate you all. Freaky Friday is a 'horror movie' cause she turns into her mother. HA HA HA....

Creepy arrives to the party.He steals a sticky bow off a package and puts on his gift. Gives it to Brianna. She opens and finds...Blu-Ray player. She's insanely rude to him and walks off. Screw you, lady.

Creepy wanders off. "How do you know that guy again?" asks a person who heard the earlier conversation. Creepy huffs some stuff in the bathroom while odd drug taking music blares.

Lies down on...Brianna's bed? Daggone those freaking edits. Stuffed animals. He steals some sunglasses. Colors change. We get extreme close ups of teddy bears...he stabs one.

Hey, Deputy Slater. Get you some high school cam nudity. Pauses. This is apparently Michigan if his shirt is to be believed. He creepily pauses on Teacher's Pet/YAY Pizza girl. Implied masturbation.

KEG STAND!

Stabbed bear! He put a camera in the bear. Oh, for some extra profit, I suppose. Points it at the bed and heads out. It's a creep move, but to heck with Brianna.

Creep talks to Movie Guy. "mumble mumble flash drive." "Do you think you could  put a word in for me down at the station." Movie Guy wants to make movies.

Creep informs him that "I don't make anything...I archive footage from 20 years  ago. I sit there and look at nothin." And away Creep walks to his creepy van. Pulls up his Bear Camera.

Cut to next day. "Tell me about your project!" Movie Guy tells his mom about the Harlan Diehl project. Momma no approve. "It's not cool. It was a tragedy." He implies his mother doesn't help him and almost walks off without his phone. Yeah, right.

Back to blondie. Movie Guy's gal, I have figured. A shadow-y figure spies on her. She hears something. It ends up being...uh...someone stabbing her.

She runs and screams and is eventually killed at the door...and it's the movie. Nate complains about the shakey. Nate is supposed to be representing me as the "hates shakey cam" guy. Sure, Nate. I'll root for you.

Station Manager finds Creep's messy video area. "I'm not cleaning this up!" He starts to clean it up. Creep arrives. Thuds on the soundtrack. Creep throws a wire around the Manager's neck, but a strangling is too weak for this movie so he just shoves him eye first onto a pipe and a stupid brain effect happens.

Movie Guy discovers Harlan was adopted. I don't care. They recognize the farm house so you know that this is going to lead to them trying to film there and the majority of them dying.

Movie Guy and Blondie head out. His mother apparently lied and said the original house was leveled. Why this wouldn't actually happen is confounding.

They arrive. "Why would my mom lie about it? We could've been shooting here the whole time." We're reminding of the adoption thing. Cut back to the opening jump stab. "We gotta go inside." Shut up, Movie Guy.

Inside. "Maybe this isn't a good idea." Hilarious. He's more concerned with footage. They find the bathroom. The movie obvious cuts back to the earlier scene cause we're short minded apparently.

Hear a noise. Go to investigate. Cut to Creep driving his van. Upstairs they go. "This is a baby's room!" "Reports never said anything about a baby." They decide to leave and Movie Guy's Mom appears for a jump scare. She tracked his cell. "So I can protect you." He can take care of himself. Blah Blah.

Creep be creepin in his van. Fast drive...well...Van fast. Arrives at the house. Everyone else is gone.

Back to the daggone school. Researching Harlan's real family. Turns out the Great Great Grandpa was a filmmaker. The film he made was "First by anybody" cause Edison 'no.' The opening black and white old time footage was this film. Meh.

"There has to be a record of [the baby]." Nate and Brianna are getting ready to skip and go to the concert. Guess she finally stopped being mad. Dude lost his cell again. Who is this guy? Yeah, at the house. Creep finds it.

Creep says he found the phone at "home." Sigh. Lanterns.Downstairs. Yeah nothing more exciting. He coughs up some blood. Blondie apparently is Movie Guy's chauffer. Creep arrives and hands off the phone. The point of this is awkwardness. Great stuff. Fantastic.

Cut to Blondie dropping Movie Guy off. He mocks her earlier Freaky Friday answer and then heads in to a movie store. His boss is a handicapped black man. Apparently, he knows of Louis De Prince (Harlan's relative)...and implies he was the devil. "Louis" = Lucifer. De Prince...of Darkness. Oy. Just...OY.

Creep loads a TV into his van. It comes on and is static-y. He watches, we don't Back to Boss implying that Louis De Prince filming "The exact movement of a person." implying he used this to steal souls. Louis's son...Adolph. Louis shot the movie to steal his son's soul and replace it with his own, possessing one generation of a time, becoming stronger...I feel so stupid just writing this.

Boss randomly pulls out the DVD of Louid De Prince in a place full of thousands. YEAH. SURE.

Hi Brianna. Looksl ike Blu-Ray cam is watching you. "Look at the camera" says a caller. She sees it. Creep slams his hand on the static screen and she screams and jump cuts around.

"And they all died after the filming." "Yeah, that's why the legend is legendary." Boss is now done with exposition so the scene ends.

Creep honks on a horn at night. Out comes Deputy Slater. "This is my house!" "I got the Baker girl. Camera in her bedroom." Deputy Slater is pumped. "I need something from a police file...the Harland Diehl files." This catches Slater offguard. He wants the raw-footage taken by Diehl. Tells a lie about a client wanting to see the sister naked. "Are you trying to strong arm me?!" "I'm motivating you." Slater tries to power trip, but possessed Creep don't care.

Meanwhile, Nate goes to pick up Brianna. She's gone dark-acting. He assumes she is mad because he was late. In the car, she pukes up some blood. He reacts by laughing. Best boyfriend ever. She elbows him in the face. Takes out his CD, breaks it, and stabs him. Bashes his head against the steering wheel until he's dead. Well, okay, then. Thankfully, I was lying when I said I'd care about him.

Next day. Deputy Slater enjoys himself a cigarette. The LT wants to see him. It's Movie Guy's Mom. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN. She asks if he knows Nate. Sends him to look for the dead teen. "Want me to help an old lady across the street on my way back?" She implies he has a bad reputation.

Movie Guy and Blondie talk to Yay Pizza. I give the worst names. Deputy Slater calls over Yay Pizza to ask about Nate...and oggle since she's his favorite girl Hangs onto her hand a second too long. "You're a good girl, aren't ya?" She admits to being in the choir. Slater reveals he used to be in the choir. She awkwardly waits for him to get to the point. He asks about Nate. "He's my sister's boyfriend." There you go. "Do you have a boyfriend?" Back off track.

Meanwhile Creep is downstairs at the one house.

YP calls the cop creepy to Movie Guy and Blondie. Movie Guy assures YP that "I'm sure she's fine." and we immediately cut to Brianna getting her throat cut.

Deputy Slater calls Creep and agrees to get the tape for bedroom footage. By the way, Creep has placed Brianna by the toliet in the farm house. The part she was playing in Movie guy's...eh...movie.

Next day. Yay Pizza gets up and notices Bear Camera. Stares at it. Creep smacks the TV so I guess that steals her soul. Meanwhile, Movie Guy's project is due and isn't done. We don't care.

Deputy Slater is watching a video. Fast forwards. Looking for "the tape." Movie Guy is looking for the Cliche Newsman from earlier. Deputy Slater watches another video. It's Dedicated Momma. He's interrupted before nudity. Doorbell leads to...Yay Pizza girl.

"Hi." "Hi." Yay is monotone so you know something is wrong with her. The Yay has left her spirit. Deputy Slater lets her inside. Lets it slip he's divorced. Slater acts nice. Tries to avoid staring. Frank Lions? Meh, Deputy Slater is better. "I know you watch me." so here we go.

"I don't mind." I don't think Deputy Slater is long for this movie. "How much do you pay him?" He plays dumb. Bad audio dub occurs.

Meanwhile, Creep van be creepin'. Following Blondie. Lies to her about having equipment for Movie guy...or does he. I don't know.

Back to Deputy Slater's. She seduces him in horribly monotoned ways. She points the camera at him and we get THOSE IRRITATING JUMP CUTS.

Back to Blondie. He tricks her into the van and tackles her. Meanwhile, Movie Guy is still tracking Cliche Newsman.

Deputy Slater reveals why Christian Slater took this role (you know, besides the paycheck) as the young attractive girl grinds on him. And....the boob shot is interrupted. Phone call. It's Creep. "She's going home. She does what I tell her to do." Slater wants her to stay...Creep wants the tapes.

Blondie is tied up in the van, by the way. Creep walks into Deputy Slater's home and the camera records him walking up and shooting him in the head. Well, that's a payday, Christian. Yay smiles. That was some crappy CGI blood.

Creep takes the tapes. Shoots the girl. Leaves them both. Blondie somehow senses who was shot.

Hey, Movie Guy is...still looking for Cliche Newsman. are you serious? Creep locks and loads the camera. We fast forward through the opening scene briefly.

Movie Guy finds Newsman. He's in a wheelchair.Asks about Harlan. "That was my last big story." Baby discussion. "I tried to follow up on that...I did some digging..."

Creep is still fast forwarding. We stop at the baby.

Newsman is babbling. "Something triggered...something or somebody. And they was that baby." Something about Harlan being against the baby being adopted out to another couple. Harlan apparently raped his adopted sister. Ta-da. And no one knows what happened to the baby. "Someone said that he was adopted by an officer on the scene." Of course, it's Movie Guy's mom revealing "that" twist.

So, Movie Guy looks for anyone to share this with, but his mom isn't home. Eventually the Creepmobile arrives. But it's empty when Movie Guy walks up to it. Knocks from the inside. He investigates. Finds Blondie. Gets jumped. Her POV shot blurs to indicate he's passing out. Wait, what?

Cut to CAMERA VIEW WITH CAMERA CUTS. Anyway, Movie Guy is Duct-taped all over and it's a setup to take his soul. "HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!" Okay, he's awake. Smack the TV and be done with it.

Nope, Creep turns his attention to Blondie first. "This is destiny and you get to be apart of it." He kisses her. By the way, he seems to be decaying. Or he has herpes. "He needs you...I need you."

Meanwhile, Cop Mom calls for her son. Creep answers. "He's busy right now." At least you didn't go with tied up. He hangs up on her. Movie Guy tries to bite his duct tape...and instantly gives up. Creep touches the TV screen. "Be patient my son." Let's get on with this.

TV screen statics to the touch. Blondie wide eyes. The Camera starts to emit a...I don't know. Movie Guy stares at it. Creep bleeds from the nose. Hand warps. POWER DIES. Wait...what?

Lantern's up. Blondie still wide eyed. Almsot instantly escapes after he leaves. Creep generators up...or some such nonsense. She goes upstairs. Manages to get him free. They run. Creep turns the TV on to find out they're gone.

Find Nate's dead body in the car...cause movie role. Run off cause obviously the car won't run. Sigh. They run. She falls because cliche. Creep cameras. I guess using nightvision. They bump into a wheel, making it turn so he'll know he's on the right path.

CORN FIELD! Well...okay. Creep babbles about "useless flesh" and being tired of using human bodies. Cause he's the devil or something.

No, seriously, Corn Field. Is this a neighboring farm? Or did someone crow a giant crop of corn on the abandoned farm. If so...go to that person's house for help.

Cop Mom arrives. Movie Guy goes to warn her, but Blondie stops him. Yeah, who wants to deal with a mother in law with a gun, am I right? Cop Mom finds Nate.

She goes to call it in and Creep goes after her. Movie Guy takes off after him. Must be a neighboring farm, cause it takes a few seconds to get there. We get Red/Nightvision to let us know where Creep is. Movie Guy calls out for his mother, allowing the proper amount of distraction for Creep to gun her down. Good job, dummy.

Creep tackles Movie Guy. Starts winning a hand-to-hand fight. Blondie cracks Creep with a weapon. Essentially this fight is Creep no-selling worse than John Cena. Head butts Movie guy. Takes his camera back. Goes to soul steal...but the battery goes dead. Sure, why not. Takes out the IPhone. Uses it to record.
We're getting desperate here.

Movie Guy bug eyes when waking and starts to black eye out...but Cop Mom rallies to shoot Creep with an entire clip cause she has a lot of momma grizzly in her or something. Blondie helps her.

Creep wakes up. Lifts the phone to face himself. We get the old-time footage. But one of the walking men disappears. Then Movie Guy wakes up. Bruised from the last night's activities. His mom in a hospital bed. Blondie just chillin.

TV Report declares it a copy-cat situation at the farm house. It's a recreate of the other scene where you wait for Creep to pounce up out of the stretcher, but instead Movie Guy gets a video message of Creep staring at him, which will apparently do the job...or something. I don't know. Movie ends.

Okay...that was...yep.

Score: 1 out of 5. An evil in technology film that is paint-by-numbers and not really that good for the most part.  Pretty much all to say on it.

The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption

THE SCORPION KING 3: Battle for Redemption

Apparently, after the Rock turned into Mutant X (Victor Webster), things went downhill fast, including his entire kingdom dying. Everyone. I'm meaning even stock footage Kelly Hu (Tastefully covered completely with a cloth when actual movie footage was needed).

So he becomes a Mercenary that gets hired by King Ron Perlman.

Meanwhile, Billy Zane plans to be evil because he's evil and kill King Ron Perlman. Plus Evil Billy Zane plans to evilly steal the Book of the Dead.

Apparently it's a suicide mission. How is this a "Suicide mission"? Oh heck with it.

Scorp gives King Ron the head of a military adviser. "He didn't seem to have a head for battle." Scorpion King sure is joke-y for a man with deep internal grief. So, King Ron gives him some exposition.

Scorp smirks, "The Gods will curse my passing and I welcome it." I guess that's one way to foreshadow.

Hello, Little John character. Who is also cracking jokes and acting like a big dumb comedic relief character. Complete with burping and random punching. "I SMELL LIKE A WARRIOR!" He won't shut up. I'm up to a burp count of 2. They're having a hair conversation. Seriously. Thus they have the "We fight in order to become friends" scene.

Random thieves try to rob them, but they're too busy fighting. So they leave. WITH THEIR HORSES. "Easiest robbing in years." WHY ARE THERE SO MANY JOKES! WHY MUST THEY QUIP EVERY SIX SECONDS. Yes, they tracked down the robbers and beat them up. Set one on fire who runs away, obviously. "At least you'll be able to see where you're going!"

Comic Relief Little John has 17 daughters according to dialogue. Is that funny? Oh, and Scorp gets grumpy when asked about his past. So, there is that NEVER ENDING INTERNAL PAIN!

They wake up to find a Tiger. Oh hai, Tiger. "Don't run." "I'M RUNNING!"

Meanwhile, King Ron gets more exposition. More references to the other films.

Billy Zane gets an evil scene with a random character by RIPPING HIS EAR OFF...AND MAKING A JOKE ABOUT "Might you hear me now?!" Daggone. Anyone, he's going to attack something.

Burp Count: 3.

Book Defender gets a speech. And cheers. Good for him. Time for an action scene. Flaming Arrows abound. Meanwhile from Little John, "I smell delicious."

EXPLOSION. There's your budget. After watching people being brutally exploded, Scorp and Little John join the party. Of course, cracking jokes along skulls.

ELEPHANT WARFARE!

Book Defender takes time to whine about the King not sending help since he has not seen Scorp yet.

THEY KILLED THE ELEPHANTS! FREAKING EVIL HENCHMEN!

Scorp and Little John use their knowledge of battle formations to set a fire trap. Wipe out the baddies nicely. Book Defender is happy.

They are introduced as "Arcadian and...This Guy." Please stop. The fact that there are only two, surprises Book Defender. Sidenote: There is no gold.

Everyone draws their swords except Little John because he's dumb. I hope the explanation is "We spent it on the Elephant." Book Defender offers a painting. The Ugliest daggone painting I have ever seen. MORE HUMOR. Little John loves it. MORE HUMOR! It's Book Defender's daughter and he offers her to Scorp. HUMOR!!!!

She's wearing a very important medallion. Burp Count: 4. Apparently, the daughter was kidnapped. So...go get her, Scorp. Little John finds it funny You and a princess?!" Subtle.

Meanwhile, Evil Billy Zane cracks joke about how horrible a shot his guards are while giggling with concubines. Also, he has the kidnapped girl who looks nothing like her painting.

Cut to King Ron owning people with sword skills. Practice, I suppose. More exposition is awarded to the viewers.

The elite two man squad of Scorp and Burp sneak up on Evil Billy Zane's Evil Camp. Burp Count: 5

A messenger brings Evil Billy Zane news of Scorp's defeat of his team. Assumes that "Cobra" assisted. Evil Billy Zane has the messenger killed. Ho-ho-ho.

So, a battle starts and we have more elephants to remind us the film was made in Thailand. We slo-mo a lot of this. And then a catapult flings fire at the NotEvil troops. Nice slo-mo shot of a fireball behind a trumpeting elephant. While Evil Billy Zane wipes out the troops, Scorp finds the princess and a fight scene.

Apparently, Cobra sent guards to take her. Scorp and Burp pursue. Evil Billy Zane randomly decides to visit her during the battle and discovers her gone.

Our Hero is bested in a sword fight with Cobra's henchninjas. One cuts him and I guess makes him mad, so he uses slomo to defeat them. But they rally and knock him down long enough to run. Escape on elephant.

Evil Billy Zane notices Scorp fighting, is impressed, and hires him to go get the girl, kill the Cobra.

Pee joke. Since he's peeing in their water supply, a ninja pops out of the water and kicks Burp in the crotch. So they're besieged by a dozen or so ninjas and defeated after various slo mo actions. The ninjas use their wire-fu to jump up trees, leaving Scorp with three to battle. I think we can safely assume that the princess is the Cobra.

Scorp beats up the three ninjas on him while Burp has success in random cuts. I think it's suppose to be a running joke that they keep knocking him into water. Scorp catches Cobra. Tears off the mask. Oh hai, Princess. Surprised, she twirls and KOs him.

She blows the news on Scorp being Scorp. "She heard about you from a fairy tale!" Thanks Burp. Bringing up his past is a no-no, so Scorp gets grumpy and leaves. Burp doesn't believe it.

Randomly cut to Evil Billy Zane having his troops attack the guy Scorp saved earlier. He can apparently see the fight in his telescope. Also, those catapults are long range AND DAGGONE IT, STOP SHOWING ME DEAD ELEPHANTS

Evil Billy Zane gets the Book of the Dead. Can read it with the medallion the princess had. Zane cracks a joke so bad that not even the cast laughs at it. Hits the book defender and takes him hostage so his Cobra Daughter can save him later.

Meanwhile, Scorp flashes back to ruining and entire kingdom. Cobra appears and they talk. He doesn't want to help because he failed one group of people and doesn't want to fail another. She talks him into it via fortune cookie nonsense.

Cut to Burp complaining to Scorp. Burp calls him 'Your highness' and we get a "I'll cut off your penis" joke. "You're going to need a bigger dagger." I'm weeping.

Cut to Cobra's crew trying to retrain Burp. He's shown himself to be a decent fighter, but of course he's now a klutz and runs headfirst into a dummy. Somehow, Scorp gets into a spar with the princess. "I don't know whose hair is prettier." Shut up, Burp.

Again, Scorp is over confident so she embarrasses him. She kicks him in the rib and quips about 'taking your breath away' Ugh. Anyway, Scorp and her are obivously crushing on each other. Good to see he's over the dead Kelly Hu.

Meanwhile, Evil Billy Zane reads the book and a hammer wielding Kimbo Slice with glowing eyes appears . Take that as you will. He reads it again. Oh hai Former WWE star Dave Batista. He reads it again and gets...an attractive Asian lady. Save the best for last. He has the three mini-video game bosses kill the troops he has with him.

Sends Kimbo and gal to go kill Cobra kai. Or just Cobra, either or.

Scorp and Burp share a scene. Burp had a vision of a massacre. Random. Takes his visions very seriously. They share a handshake. Cut scene over, we commence a boss battle.

Kimbo looks like an extreme version of Saba Simba. Kills some ninjas.

Asian lady has a forcefield and uses it to block attacks from Scorp and Burp.

Kimbo's hammer just lit on fire. He kills some ninjas with it. Allows them to attack him and no sells it. Scorp arrives. This somehow changes the tone. Scorp closelines Kimbo off a cliff. Ninjas use their wire ability and string up Kimbo. No, seriously. They tie rope to his legs and arms and suspend him in air.

Then Scorp takes the fire hammer and spits...I guess alcohol onto it, unleashing a big breath of fire that takes out Kimbo. Paycheck, complete.

Evil Billy Zane insults Asian Lady and Batista. Calls them slaves which doesn't make Dave very happy. Zane walks out of the room shouting "Slave" over and over before randomly singing it. Also, he declared a celebration for some reason.

Another "I have a plan" scene with Scorp. They ride up to the celebration with Princess tied up. Evil Billy Zane is happy. Announces a wedding. Announces he's going to sleep with her now and instead of after. She's not happy.

Burp gets drunk. This is funny. For some reason. I'm completely shocked that I didn't hear a burp. Then again, maybe my mind is rejecting them. They go to steal the necessary stuff.

Comedy scene with Zane trying to rape Princess and her doing things to stop him. Hilarious, as you can assume. Scorp jumps in and grabs Zane. Zane reaches into his pants and grabs a knife. The hades?! Anyway, the princess teases Scorp, Scorp disarms Zane. KOs him. Asian Lady appears. Princess signals her groups to attack.

Fight scenes are coming. Scorp/Princess v. Lady/Zane. Burp v. Batista. Oh wait, Zane steals the medallion back and runs. So, Princess sends Scorp after him. Girl Fight!

Meanwhile, Burp is about to have a bad day. Elsewhere, Chariot Chase Scene. Suddenly, Slo Mo like crazy. Followed by GIRL FIGHT! CHARIOT CHASE! BATISTA MAULING BURP!

Asian Lady's forcefield apparently doesn't work on punches. This scene is not showing me enough of Burp getting beat up. Scorp crashes a henchman chariot. More slo mo. Burp somehow is running out with the book. Batista follows. Thank goodness the book is solid because it's being used as a sheild. Batista
decapitates a statue. Zane throws a torch into his supplies to cause an explosion, causing Scorp to be momentarily stopped. This isn't very helpful when he rides out and sees an army of ticked off people and elephants waiting on him.

Time for Evil Billy Zane v. Scorp. Zane pulls his sword. Scorp pulls his. Zane drops his sword and pulls the medallion. His incantation doesn't work. So he throws the medallion to Scorp. Running out of options. "I will rise again, like a bad idea!" Oh, Zane, you're so Zany.

Elsewhere, Burp gets sliced across the chest and the Girl Fight has somehow got to their location. Scorp has found King Daddy and they read the incantation, stopping Batista and Lady from killing our esteemed side characters.

Zane meanwhile calls down the entire army onto himself in a random moment of toughness. He's slaughtered immediately.

King Daddy gives his approval to Princess Cobra. Then dies. Well, thanks for that, I suppose.

Hey, it's King Ron. Thanks for nothing. Scorp meets him. "You need more gold?" Scorp presents Zane's gold to King Ron. Informs him the people don't want a King. "Tell them this, it's not their decision." Oh, King Ron. Scorp then reveals that they have chosen him as their king. And Burp is still alive.

Scorp informs him they'll fight. Ron smiles. "Whether I give you my blessing or my blade, I respect you." Essentially, Ron says he'll go talk to his advisers on whether or not to come back and fight. Guess it depends on whether or not we do Scorpion King 4. They share a stare.

Movie over.

End credits involve drinking and celebration from Scorp and crew. Scorp and Princess share a rather unimpressive kiss. The end credits seem to be deleted scenes they couldn't shove into the actual film.

CC: Universal Studios.

Score: 2 out of 5. Man, the jokes did not land for the mass majority of this movie. Also, for the most part, the film felt like a rejected Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episode salted with references to The Mummy series.

Random Thought:

So, The Mummy is a remake slash reimaging of the original Universal classic that starred Boris Karloff. The Mummy is a sequel to the remake that introduced the Scorpion King. The Scorpion King is a prequel to the sequel to a remake. The Scorpion King 2 is a prequel to the prequel of the sequel to a remake. Therefore,  The Scorpion King 3 is a sequel to the second prequel meaning it's still a sequel to prequel to the sequel to the remake of the original 1933 The Mummy.

I have no clue what I was going for with this.