And I also have a book for sale...
50 Plus 10 Horror Movie Survival Tips: 
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
In the Year 2889
We open on...the sky. Cloudly clouds. Mushroom cloud. Well then. Not wasting time.
"When the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare."
With the scripture out of the way, we see our title which is presented in a way that's even less impressive than mine. We see more mushroom clouds as the actors are named.
The radioation is strong according to a still working radio station that speaks more doomsday speak. "All communication with the outside world has stopped...the whole world has been silenced." Did I mention this was coming from a radio?
Some guy with binoculars is looking around. I should note that the Year 2889 looks like the early 1960s. I guess we'll be really, really retro in the future. The older man goes and talks to a woman who bemoans that Larry didn't come. Guess he's dead. Older Man is her dad. Joanna is her name. "We may be saved, just as I planned it, " says Dad. She's too sad about her dead Larry. Did I mention she isn't crying?
Inside (Yes, they were outside) we see a picture. I assume Larry. She plays the piano. Dad is still bragging about his plan of...moving to a far away place. Awkward dialouge tells us that Larry was engaged to her. There is a knock at the door. She instantly believes it's Larry. This is ridiculously funny. Without just LOOKING OUT THE HEAVILY WINDOWED DOOR, they argue whether it's Larry or not and she opens the door. Nope. Just a radioactively blasted guy who is still alive even though he shouldn't be.
"Don't touch him," says a new character walking into the house. His name is Steve Martin. Nearly seven minutes in and this is a special movie. Dad doesn't want them to stay since they're contaminated. Uh...they're already in the house. You're not ever wearing a suit, old man. You're wearing khakis. Or the 60s equivalent. She leads Steve and his charred brother upstairs as Dad sits in a chair and attempts to act. He's much better when not talking. He looks at a painting of...I presume...his wife.
Another person arrives at the door. Dad won't open it so we hear a gun shot. This is golden. A man shoots off the lock and he and his girl enter only to find our dear Old Man with a gun aimed at them. "Don't shoot! There's a girl here!" They're told to leave because OM only has enough supplies for 3 people (Hi, forced information).
Of course, his daughter is a bleeding heart and tells them to bring their stuff upstairs. If OM was dedicated, he'd just pop them and be done with it.
Dear goodness, nature looks for the end of civilization. A man in a white cowboy hat, with a jug of presumable moonshine wanders in the forest. Dramatic music hits for little reason as he sees the house, including one of the women in a window. He takes a swig from his jug. Needless music chord. Okay, get on with it.
He walks to a tree and watches with a smile until seen by the girl who screams. One of the guys who was sitting on the porch charges and tackles The Cowboy. Cowboy apologizes saying he was just looking for someone who was alive. It's The Beau who tackled him, by the way, and he invited Cowboy to stay. Old Man appears shouting how he can't stay...but then changes his mind since they're doomed with all the other people.
At dinner, Old Man lays down the law. And again, everyone seemingly mocks him. Old Man lists his second in demand as Steve."Some of us may be dying now" He calmly says. "I gots big things in Los Angeles" says clueless Beau.
"The six of us in this house...may be the beginning of a new civilization." OM claims he has prepared for this for 10 years. Explains why they're not dead. I can't properly explain it. That's...nice...and completely implausible.
OM Tells the rest they're not welcome. Says he's in control of food. Beau tells him to make sure and not misplace the gun. Daughter yells at her dad that they need to take food to the dying guy.
Upstairs, dying guy says he isn't going to die. Okay. Rejects the food. Asks for RAW meat. Rejects water and cleaning. Asks for rest. Dramatic music.
OM asks the couple how they're here. They were camping. On their way to California. Not married. Cowboy makes a pass at her which angers Beau. She's a singer (I think) and he is her manager.
Elsewhere, Steve asks Joanna about the picture of the presumed dead Larry. So they chat briefly before OM shows up asking for help. She stays at the piano and looks worried. Outside, Steve and Old Man check radiation or something. It's up. They babble and Steve gives his back story. He and his brother were heading out to the area the moment they heard about the bombings. Old Science used.
OM starts talking about an old H-Bomb test. Hears the howl of a coyote. We cut to a stock footage flying bird and then other animals. All contaminated, I'm sure.
MUTANT! It looks like Hulk Hogan after surgery to look like Joan Rivers. Quite a mask.
Inside, Radioactive Man complains about the lack of Raw meat and acts evil-ish. No cause for concern, I'm sure.
Outside, Cowboy is just sitting around. "Dun dun dun" music plays. He takes a swig from his jug. We see the mutant again. The close-up shows just how fakey the mask is.
Cut to "three weeks later" as given away by Steve's dialouge. Joanna is worried about the brother. "Logically he should have been dead..." spouts Old Man.
Apparently, Brother slipped out the night before and came back later. Old Man calls him a freak. Thankfully he's upstairs where this can't be hea--Oh, there he is coming down the steps.
"I'm going outside...for a walk." He invites Joanna along. Rejected. He keeps acting creepy. "I think he's dangerous" says OM after he leaves. Steve refuses to have his brother destroyed.
Anyway, Steve and Joanna go on a walk near the house. He basically hints attraction to her. Actually, hinting is definitely the wrong word since they start sucking each other's face. She hears something. My audio is slightly off track. Have to fix that in the review.
Inside, Brother sneaks down and outside. He put up a trap and caught a bunny. Oh no. Poor bunny. However, the camera walks towards him and he flees. I'm guessing camera is Mutant POV. It grabs the bunny with fake clawed hands and hear a crunch. Poor Bunny. Cheap is definitely a word for this movie.
"These bones are still moist!" annouces Steve as we cut to later. Old Man and He have discovered the bunny. The conversation is just dumb. The acting is failing. B-Movie Status is Ultra Confirmed.
Steve decides it is possible that there are people "Worse than" his brother. Anyway, we decide to read the bible to find the answers. Beau is instantly complaining about the bible being read aloud.
The conversation turns to rain and Old Man says they better hope it doesn't rain for weeks because the clouds will be full of radiation. I guess Three Weeks is not properly long enough. Old Man has no real emotion to his voice. Beau is a jerk.
They're about out of water, but there is a spring near by that is safe. Don't ask why. It just is.
Anyway, Steve is taking a walk and finds his brother. "Don't let the rain touch me!" he whines. Steve tries to talk him into going back to the house, but Brother runs off. How pointless.
Cut to the girls walking in clothes that qualify as risque in 1960. I mean, 2889. Wait...that's a pool. Anyway. The girls chat. "You are good looking," randomly says the Singer before warning Joanna to stay away from Beau.
In the woods, Hulk Rivers is approaching. Joanna senses his presence. So they leave.
Meanwhile, Old Man finds more dead animals and talks about how they need to kill Steve's brother. Shockingly enough, Steve still doesn't want to. Yes. That was useless.
Cut to Steve and Joanna. They babble. Steve says that he'll stand guard if she wants to swim in the pool. "Do you believe in Mental Telepathy" she randomly asks. Then brushes him off. Beau watches from a distance.
As Joanna leaves, Beau stops her and starts making a drunken move on her. Fails.
So we cut to Cowboy with his jug. Entertainer appears and he offers her a swig. She takes it. Has a horrible reaction to it. "The first taste that is never good...it's that long second one that puts hair on your chest." They laugh.
Suddenly we're following the brother. My editing is just as bad as this. He climbs to the top of something and looks down at...Steve. Steve is shocked that his brother could stand the supposedly deadly fog.
So, Old Man tells him a story about the animals he found at ground zero from an H-Bomb test. There was a law against pictures, but not sketching. This is hilarious. I can't even describe the drawings. "A Million Years of Evolution in one bomb." HAHAHA
They chat some more. Honestly. There is no emotion in anyone's voice in this film. Old Man declares that they'll have to inform the women that they have to start bearing children as soon as possible. If this movie was made in the 90s, Steve would've fist pumped behind the Old Man's back.
Later on, Beau sneaks downstairs. He creeps up and goes for Old Man's gun. Steve appears from no distinct place and wallops him. Old Man orders him out. Joanna over rules him again. Beau tells Entertainer to "Get out of my life."
The next day, Old Man tells his daughter that he'll marry her to Steve so they can have kids. She doesn't want this. "What would mother say? Larry?" "They're dead." Boom. Score one for Daddy.
Elsewhere, Entertainer/Singer chats with Beau. "Could you imagine us having a kid...telling him his mother was an exotic dancer." Well, that solves that. "You're just plain dirt to her, but you still want her!" declares Entertainer. He just wants a key to the storeroom...she calls him a liar and he admits it.
She goes for her Oscar moment. That's definitely going in the video review.
Next up Steve and Old Man. They chat about how they have enough supplies for two more weeks. Assuming it has been atleast three weeks as mentioned earlier and that the Brother wasn't actively eating much in his time, it means that supplies for 5 people last 5 weeks. How were 3 supposed to last so long?
They walk along and see a mutated man. MM collaspes and they walk up to shee his make-up, I mean deformations. He begs for food because "They" wouldn't give him any. "Much strong...er..." and he dies.
Steve theorizes this man was "Stage 2" and that his brother is "Stage 1" and that "Stage 4" could be invincible. Okay... This is obviously true because good guys are always right.
They discover the Mutants are sneaking closer to the houses every night.
Back at the drinking jug, Entertainer and Cowboy are quite toasted. I have no clue where she got a glass from, but she did. Being properly snockered, they return to the house and she begins dancing around. She explains how her job works, "When I come out they start a whistlin and a' screamin TAKE IT OFF!" Beau is looking...well, he can't display emotion so I have no clue.
Cowboy, meanwhile, is quite enjoying it. Old Man comes in, takes off the record she put on, and breaks it. He then takes Cowboy's jug and breaks it. Entertainer runs up stairs and Cowboy bemoans his liqour. Others show displeasure. Old Man doesn't really care what they think. Then again, they don't care what he thinks.
Later, Old Man is watching outside. Steve comes out and reveals that Cowboy left. "You don't think he crossed over the hills do you?" That is where he keeps his moonshine. Old Man says that if he did, he's dead. We cut to Cowboy moving in the forest but his face is covered....but that's a red herring as we see his face and it isn't mutated.
Cowboy hears a noise and sees a mutant. Flees as fast as an overweight alcoholic can.
Cut to later as Old Man is tracking and finds the cowboy hat. We see someone running in the spring. Guess it's cowboy. Steve discovers OM left during the night.
OM has tracked down Cowboy and shouts for him to not go into the fog. Cowboy ignores and charges in. At least they afforded a fog machine for the film. OM climbs up after him, yelling not to go into the fog. Did I mention he's climbing up to the fog to tell someone to not go near the fog?
Later, Steve arrives. OM sprained his ankle. But he was up there long enough to gasp in vapor like an idiot. He makes Steve promise not to tell his daugther and they head back. Find Brother along the way. Dead. Guess he doesn't have to worry about insisting on that anymore. OM keeps pushing that Steve needs to get with his daughter to save humanity. Arranged marriages, am I right?
Elsewhre, at the pool, Joanna is enjoying a dip as Steve watches. A Mutant sneaks down. He's different from Hulk Rivers. Joanna sees it. Begs Steve to walk her home. Insists it was trying to talk to her. We are officially an hour into this.
We then get another "they're coming" convo from Steve and OM.
Joanna is on a bridge looking at water when Beau sneaks up and grabs her. "I never had time for your kind of women..." he beings talking about how she'll be his when they're the only ones left. Entertainer appears and interrupts. We get pretty much the same conversation as earlier except he replies meanly.
"Let's not fight like a couple again...let's go for a swim." Well, what a strong woman. He tells her to scram and she does. In the year 2889, women still struggle, I suppose.
So we watch them both walking in opposite directions. She gets to the pool and swims. Someone is sneaking up on her...it's Beau. Oh, okay. She swims up to him with a smile. "Decided to come back?"
Yep. He did. He grabs her head and shoves her under. Bye Entertainer.
Later, at the house OM is crashing on the couch, presumablely because his daughter gave him room away. Beau shows up and says that Entertainer left and he doesn't know where, but assumes she's swimming..
OM gives Steve his gun and tells him to kill Beau. Dang. "He'll kill you. Get him first." OM insists that Steve at least carry a gun, giving him the keys to the store room.
Next day, Beau is chatting with OM. Brings up 10 Little Indians and goes for OM's gun. Fails. "Try that again. Please. Try. That. Again." Imagine how that would be with emotion.
According to my timer there are 10 minutes left. Joanna gets out of bed. Looks at the picture of Steve. It doesn't seem to hard to figure out that Hulk Rivers is him. Heads downstairs and passes her sleeping papa. Who is standing guard if the Mutants are coming closer? Oh well, she walks outside. Walks into the forest.
A Mutant appears and followers her. Eventually jumps out and grabs her. She screams and feints. The scream somehow wakes up our hero duo. OM orders Steve to get a special gun of his. "If there is no other way, use that luger on Joanna." Thanks Dad.
Steve races out after her. OM goes back to sleep. That's some concern. Beau sneaks up and takes the gun. "Two men and only one gun...looks like your ship is falling apart." OM insults the man with the gun.
Meanwhile, Steve scurries after Joanna. Back there, Beau "Little Indians..." about. Announces he'll make a better man for Joanna's kids. Thunder booms. Rain is coming.
Hulk Rivers keeps carrying Joanna. She wakes up and screams again. This alerts Steve who races after. Mutant lets her go and runs...awkwardly. She goes into the water. Wait, apparently, she escaped. Steve appears and shoots. She calls to him. "It's afraid of the water!" Oh...okay.
A quickly imposed lightning bolt. Mutant flees.
Beau asks how long they can expect to live when the rain comes. OM says he'll only know from testing the rain. When Beau goes to get some, OM slips a gun to himself. The water ends up being rain water.
Somehow, OM puts together that the Mutant is afraid of water. There is less than two minutes left.
Steve and Joanna are simply standing a foot from the bank. They smile.
Beau announces he's going to shoot Steve since he wants Joanna. There is less than a minute left.
Joanna says she doesn't "hear" it anymore. They're walking back. 30 seconds.
Beau aims. Steve announces that rain probably killed the mutants. OM shoots Beau.
The screen flashes up "The Beginning" and we instantly cut to black. Holy crap that was quickly wrapped up.
Rating: 1 out of 5This was a remake of a Roger Corman film. When you can't improve on a film that Roger Corman probably did in five days with a budget of $35...then you just fail.
"When the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare."
With the scripture out of the way, we see our title which is presented in a way that's even less impressive than mine. We see more mushroom clouds as the actors are named.
The radioation is strong according to a still working radio station that speaks more doomsday speak. "All communication with the outside world has stopped...the whole world has been silenced." Did I mention this was coming from a radio?
Some guy with binoculars is looking around. I should note that the Year 2889 looks like the early 1960s. I guess we'll be really, really retro in the future. The older man goes and talks to a woman who bemoans that Larry didn't come. Guess he's dead. Older Man is her dad. Joanna is her name. "We may be saved, just as I planned it, " says Dad. She's too sad about her dead Larry. Did I mention she isn't crying?
Inside (Yes, they were outside) we see a picture. I assume Larry. She plays the piano. Dad is still bragging about his plan of...moving to a far away place. Awkward dialouge tells us that Larry was engaged to her. There is a knock at the door. She instantly believes it's Larry. This is ridiculously funny. Without just LOOKING OUT THE HEAVILY WINDOWED DOOR, they argue whether it's Larry or not and she opens the door. Nope. Just a radioactively blasted guy who is still alive even though he shouldn't be.
"Don't touch him," says a new character walking into the house. His name is Steve Martin. Nearly seven minutes in and this is a special movie. Dad doesn't want them to stay since they're contaminated. Uh...they're already in the house. You're not ever wearing a suit, old man. You're wearing khakis. Or the 60s equivalent. She leads Steve and his charred brother upstairs as Dad sits in a chair and attempts to act. He's much better when not talking. He looks at a painting of...I presume...his wife.
Another person arrives at the door. Dad won't open it so we hear a gun shot. This is golden. A man shoots off the lock and he and his girl enter only to find our dear Old Man with a gun aimed at them. "Don't shoot! There's a girl here!" They're told to leave because OM only has enough supplies for 3 people (Hi, forced information).
Of course, his daughter is a bleeding heart and tells them to bring their stuff upstairs. If OM was dedicated, he'd just pop them and be done with it.
Dear goodness, nature looks for the end of civilization. A man in a white cowboy hat, with a jug of presumable moonshine wanders in the forest. Dramatic music hits for little reason as he sees the house, including one of the women in a window. He takes a swig from his jug. Needless music chord. Okay, get on with it.
He walks to a tree and watches with a smile until seen by the girl who screams. One of the guys who was sitting on the porch charges and tackles The Cowboy. Cowboy apologizes saying he was just looking for someone who was alive. It's The Beau who tackled him, by the way, and he invited Cowboy to stay. Old Man appears shouting how he can't stay...but then changes his mind since they're doomed with all the other people.
At dinner, Old Man lays down the law. And again, everyone seemingly mocks him. Old Man lists his second in demand as Steve."Some of us may be dying now" He calmly says. "I gots big things in Los Angeles" says clueless Beau.
"The six of us in this house...may be the beginning of a new civilization." OM claims he has prepared for this for 10 years. Explains why they're not dead. I can't properly explain it. That's...nice...and completely implausible.
OM Tells the rest they're not welcome. Says he's in control of food. Beau tells him to make sure and not misplace the gun. Daughter yells at her dad that they need to take food to the dying guy.
Upstairs, dying guy says he isn't going to die. Okay. Rejects the food. Asks for RAW meat. Rejects water and cleaning. Asks for rest. Dramatic music.
OM asks the couple how they're here. They were camping. On their way to California. Not married. Cowboy makes a pass at her which angers Beau. She's a singer (I think) and he is her manager.
Elsewhere, Steve asks Joanna about the picture of the presumed dead Larry. So they chat briefly before OM shows up asking for help. She stays at the piano and looks worried. Outside, Steve and Old Man check radiation or something. It's up. They babble and Steve gives his back story. He and his brother were heading out to the area the moment they heard about the bombings. Old Science used.
OM starts talking about an old H-Bomb test. Hears the howl of a coyote. We cut to a stock footage flying bird and then other animals. All contaminated, I'm sure.
MUTANT! It looks like Hulk Hogan after surgery to look like Joan Rivers. Quite a mask.
Inside, Radioactive Man complains about the lack of Raw meat and acts evil-ish. No cause for concern, I'm sure.
Outside, Cowboy is just sitting around. "Dun dun dun" music plays. He takes a swig from his jug. We see the mutant again. The close-up shows just how fakey the mask is.
Cut to "three weeks later" as given away by Steve's dialouge. Joanna is worried about the brother. "Logically he should have been dead..." spouts Old Man.
Apparently, Brother slipped out the night before and came back later. Old Man calls him a freak. Thankfully he's upstairs where this can't be hea--Oh, there he is coming down the steps.
"I'm going outside...for a walk." He invites Joanna along. Rejected. He keeps acting creepy. "I think he's dangerous" says OM after he leaves. Steve refuses to have his brother destroyed.
Anyway, Steve and Joanna go on a walk near the house. He basically hints attraction to her. Actually, hinting is definitely the wrong word since they start sucking each other's face. She hears something. My audio is slightly off track. Have to fix that in the review.
Inside, Brother sneaks down and outside. He put up a trap and caught a bunny. Oh no. Poor bunny. However, the camera walks towards him and he flees. I'm guessing camera is Mutant POV. It grabs the bunny with fake clawed hands and hear a crunch. Poor Bunny. Cheap is definitely a word for this movie.
"These bones are still moist!" annouces Steve as we cut to later. Old Man and He have discovered the bunny. The conversation is just dumb. The acting is failing. B-Movie Status is Ultra Confirmed.
Steve decides it is possible that there are people "Worse than" his brother. Anyway, we decide to read the bible to find the answers. Beau is instantly complaining about the bible being read aloud.
The conversation turns to rain and Old Man says they better hope it doesn't rain for weeks because the clouds will be full of radiation. I guess Three Weeks is not properly long enough. Old Man has no real emotion to his voice. Beau is a jerk.
They're about out of water, but there is a spring near by that is safe. Don't ask why. It just is.
Anyway, Steve is taking a walk and finds his brother. "Don't let the rain touch me!" he whines. Steve tries to talk him into going back to the house, but Brother runs off. How pointless.
Cut to the girls walking in clothes that qualify as risque in 1960. I mean, 2889. Wait...that's a pool. Anyway. The girls chat. "You are good looking," randomly says the Singer before warning Joanna to stay away from Beau.
In the woods, Hulk Rivers is approaching. Joanna senses his presence. So they leave.
Meanwhile, Old Man finds more dead animals and talks about how they need to kill Steve's brother. Shockingly enough, Steve still doesn't want to. Yes. That was useless.
Cut to Steve and Joanna. They babble. Steve says that he'll stand guard if she wants to swim in the pool. "Do you believe in Mental Telepathy" she randomly asks. Then brushes him off. Beau watches from a distance.
As Joanna leaves, Beau stops her and starts making a drunken move on her. Fails.
So we cut to Cowboy with his jug. Entertainer appears and he offers her a swig. She takes it. Has a horrible reaction to it. "The first taste that is never good...it's that long second one that puts hair on your chest." They laugh.
Suddenly we're following the brother. My editing is just as bad as this. He climbs to the top of something and looks down at...Steve. Steve is shocked that his brother could stand the supposedly deadly fog.
So, Old Man tells him a story about the animals he found at ground zero from an H-Bomb test. There was a law against pictures, but not sketching. This is hilarious. I can't even describe the drawings. "A Million Years of Evolution in one bomb." HAHAHA
They chat some more. Honestly. There is no emotion in anyone's voice in this film. Old Man declares that they'll have to inform the women that they have to start bearing children as soon as possible. If this movie was made in the 90s, Steve would've fist pumped behind the Old Man's back.
Later on, Beau sneaks downstairs. He creeps up and goes for Old Man's gun. Steve appears from no distinct place and wallops him. Old Man orders him out. Joanna over rules him again. Beau tells Entertainer to "Get out of my life."
The next day, Old Man tells his daughter that he'll marry her to Steve so they can have kids. She doesn't want this. "What would mother say? Larry?" "They're dead." Boom. Score one for Daddy.
Elsewhere, Entertainer/Singer chats with Beau. "Could you imagine us having a kid...telling him his mother was an exotic dancer." Well, that solves that. "You're just plain dirt to her, but you still want her!" declares Entertainer. He just wants a key to the storeroom...she calls him a liar and he admits it.
She goes for her Oscar moment. That's definitely going in the video review.
Next up Steve and Old Man. They chat about how they have enough supplies for two more weeks. Assuming it has been atleast three weeks as mentioned earlier and that the Brother wasn't actively eating much in his time, it means that supplies for 5 people last 5 weeks. How were 3 supposed to last so long?
They walk along and see a mutated man. MM collaspes and they walk up to shee his make-up, I mean deformations. He begs for food because "They" wouldn't give him any. "Much strong...er..." and he dies.
Steve theorizes this man was "Stage 2" and that his brother is "Stage 1" and that "Stage 4" could be invincible. Okay... This is obviously true because good guys are always right.
They discover the Mutants are sneaking closer to the houses every night.
Back at the drinking jug, Entertainer and Cowboy are quite toasted. I have no clue where she got a glass from, but she did. Being properly snockered, they return to the house and she begins dancing around. She explains how her job works, "When I come out they start a whistlin and a' screamin TAKE IT OFF!" Beau is looking...well, he can't display emotion so I have no clue.
Cowboy, meanwhile, is quite enjoying it. Old Man comes in, takes off the record she put on, and breaks it. He then takes Cowboy's jug and breaks it. Entertainer runs up stairs and Cowboy bemoans his liqour. Others show displeasure. Old Man doesn't really care what they think. Then again, they don't care what he thinks.
Later, Old Man is watching outside. Steve comes out and reveals that Cowboy left. "You don't think he crossed over the hills do you?" That is where he keeps his moonshine. Old Man says that if he did, he's dead. We cut to Cowboy moving in the forest but his face is covered....but that's a red herring as we see his face and it isn't mutated.
Cowboy hears a noise and sees a mutant. Flees as fast as an overweight alcoholic can.
Cut to later as Old Man is tracking and finds the cowboy hat. We see someone running in the spring. Guess it's cowboy. Steve discovers OM left during the night.
OM has tracked down Cowboy and shouts for him to not go into the fog. Cowboy ignores and charges in. At least they afforded a fog machine for the film. OM climbs up after him, yelling not to go into the fog. Did I mention he's climbing up to the fog to tell someone to not go near the fog?
Later, Steve arrives. OM sprained his ankle. But he was up there long enough to gasp in vapor like an idiot. He makes Steve promise not to tell his daugther and they head back. Find Brother along the way. Dead. Guess he doesn't have to worry about insisting on that anymore. OM keeps pushing that Steve needs to get with his daughter to save humanity. Arranged marriages, am I right?
Elsewhre, at the pool, Joanna is enjoying a dip as Steve watches. A Mutant sneaks down. He's different from Hulk Rivers. Joanna sees it. Begs Steve to walk her home. Insists it was trying to talk to her. We are officially an hour into this.
We then get another "they're coming" convo from Steve and OM.
Joanna is on a bridge looking at water when Beau sneaks up and grabs her. "I never had time for your kind of women..." he beings talking about how she'll be his when they're the only ones left. Entertainer appears and interrupts. We get pretty much the same conversation as earlier except he replies meanly.
"Let's not fight like a couple again...let's go for a swim." Well, what a strong woman. He tells her to scram and she does. In the year 2889, women still struggle, I suppose.
So we watch them both walking in opposite directions. She gets to the pool and swims. Someone is sneaking up on her...it's Beau. Oh, okay. She swims up to him with a smile. "Decided to come back?"
Yep. He did. He grabs her head and shoves her under. Bye Entertainer.
Later, at the house OM is crashing on the couch, presumablely because his daughter gave him room away. Beau shows up and says that Entertainer left and he doesn't know where, but assumes she's swimming..
OM gives Steve his gun and tells him to kill Beau. Dang. "He'll kill you. Get him first." OM insists that Steve at least carry a gun, giving him the keys to the store room.
Next day, Beau is chatting with OM. Brings up 10 Little Indians and goes for OM's gun. Fails. "Try that again. Please. Try. That. Again." Imagine how that would be with emotion.
According to my timer there are 10 minutes left. Joanna gets out of bed. Looks at the picture of Steve. It doesn't seem to hard to figure out that Hulk Rivers is him. Heads downstairs and passes her sleeping papa. Who is standing guard if the Mutants are coming closer? Oh well, she walks outside. Walks into the forest.
A Mutant appears and followers her. Eventually jumps out and grabs her. She screams and feints. The scream somehow wakes up our hero duo. OM orders Steve to get a special gun of his. "If there is no other way, use that luger on Joanna." Thanks Dad.
Steve races out after her. OM goes back to sleep. That's some concern. Beau sneaks up and takes the gun. "Two men and only one gun...looks like your ship is falling apart." OM insults the man with the gun.
Meanwhile, Steve scurries after Joanna. Back there, Beau "Little Indians..." about. Announces he'll make a better man for Joanna's kids. Thunder booms. Rain is coming.
Hulk Rivers keeps carrying Joanna. She wakes up and screams again. This alerts Steve who races after. Mutant lets her go and runs...awkwardly. She goes into the water. Wait, apparently, she escaped. Steve appears and shoots. She calls to him. "It's afraid of the water!" Oh...okay.
A quickly imposed lightning bolt. Mutant flees.
Beau asks how long they can expect to live when the rain comes. OM says he'll only know from testing the rain. When Beau goes to get some, OM slips a gun to himself. The water ends up being rain water.
Somehow, OM puts together that the Mutant is afraid of water. There is less than two minutes left.
Steve and Joanna are simply standing a foot from the bank. They smile.
Beau announces he's going to shoot Steve since he wants Joanna. There is less than a minute left.
Joanna says she doesn't "hear" it anymore. They're walking back. 30 seconds.
Beau aims. Steve announces that rain probably killed the mutants. OM shoots Beau.
The screen flashes up "The Beginning" and we instantly cut to black. Holy crap that was quickly wrapped up.
Rating: 1 out of 5This was a remake of a Roger Corman film. When you can't improve on a film that Roger Corman probably did in five days with a budget of $35...then you just fail.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
They Came From Beyond Space
Mind to Mouth: TCFBS
Here...we...go...
We start in a rural area. Following a woman as she gets in her car and drives down a road, an alien noise whistling throughout. She meets an older man and asks if he knows what it is. He doesn't know.
We see a flying triangle in the sky. They dive to the side as it crashes to the ground.
Cut to a big satellite dish. A man in a bowler hat gets directors to go into a nearby building. Inside, we meet a Big Haired Lady, A Main Character Looking Fellow, and a Nerd. They discuss...things about space. A guy with Umbrella enters. He's the guy with the Bowler hat.
This scene is here to basically say everyone's names. I'm not writing them down. Umbrella Man revels they have knowledge of a mysterious crash and they want Main Character Looking Man to check it out. Score one for me.
Main Guy essentially says What good are meteors to me? I'm interested in life on other planets. Thanks for that character development to me. Just beware of the Marsian Luthors. Umbrella man hints that it may be a space crash.
Cut to Main Guy being told by his doctor he can't go. He recently had a car accident that required a metal plate in his skull. We immediately cut back to the office where Umbrella man introduces a couple other doctors. Main guy walks in and says they'll have to take his Assistant, Big Hair.
When asked why he's so excited, Umbrella man states, "Have you ever know meteors to land in formation?"
This leads us back to the doctor's office where Main Guy is trying to power play with his Doc to go. Doc says no. So Main Guy walks back to his office. Big Hair and he talk about how much they lose by him not going. He reassures her that she can do the job correctly, kisses her forehead. Cue the sexual harassment...oh wait, guess they're a couple.
Cut to the Meteor sight. Doctor Fodder is looking at something. Umbrella Man and Big Hair arrive. They babble movie science.
Back at the other place, Nerd and Main Guy talk. Nerd did some math and found an answer to qhere the meteors are from. The Moon. Main Guy grabs a phone.
Back at the sight, they feel the meteors and babble more movie science befor one of them starts GLOWING. Big Hair screams as it pulls her down briefly into the stone.
She then lifts her head having been "taken over" by whatever was in the rock. We get a tradionally warbled alien voice as the New Big Hair tells the other rocks it's okay to take over the others safely.
They do so. Apparently human brains are suitable to their needs. That's a first. Usually the alien is required to talk about the stupidity of humans . Thank goodness there were just enough scientists so that every rock got a body and not one too many.
Being the leader, Big Hair goes to the local bank and demands a note for 1 million pounds (Yay, we're British!). She claims to have security. Opens up a bag to reveal...oops, guess there was an extra rock. Bank President joins the ranks.
Back at...Main Guy's place...he's still trying to get through. Suddenly, Umbrella
Man returns. States that he talked to MG's doc to approve his travel. So Nerd and MG get ready to go. Back in Umbrella Alien's car, a couple rocks await our heros. Nerd gets grabbed in amusing close-up fasion. Main Character's metal plate protects him. Nerd Alien punches him in the face and the aliens take off.
MG runs back inside to discover Nerd's pre-alien work was stolen. MG goes to see his boss. Apparently, there are many requistions going on for big cash. Buying things for building along with weapons. MG declares he's going there. When asked what to tell his doctor he replies "Tell him I got better."
Cut to him driving to the place. Stops to get directions from a blond lady. She asks why he's heading there. He gives the "I'm a scientist" line. She tells him if he gets bored he could always come back for a cup of tea...subtle.
Meanwhile, at the sight (located on a farm), people ignore MG as he arrives. He reaches the end of the road to find a soldier with a gun, orders suggesting that MG not be able to enter. We also learn the fence is electrofied.
So, MG goes to his car. Revs it up. Suggests the guards move before he throws it into gear. The guard loses this game of chicken and goes to get Big Hair.
MG sees a guy coming out of a nearby pond, wearing a swimsuit. Guard returns and Big Hair Alien arrives. "Why are you creating a distubance...the doctor told you not to come." The complete lack of emotion from her seems to tip him off to problems. He asks if he can help with the finding and she tells him to leave. We then see an overly dramatic close-up of the guard unholstering his gun.
Cut to MG and his swinging awesome car pulling into town. Big Hair and Umbrella Man are there, but don't see him. UM goes to do something and MG walks him down to ask what is going on. He still can't get answers. Mostly redundant. Another character starts following MG.
Our hero sneaks back to the farm, watching from a distance. Big Hair really gets around quickly as we see her leaving again. So Main Guy gets into his car and follows. Green Screen driving ensues until he cuts in front of her. She pulls an odd looking gun that lights up on the end. It incapictates him and we see a weird sprial effect.
Cut to later. The girl who was flirting with the hero apparently found him and took him back to the gas station. He asked her what road she found him on and leaves afterwards. Slightly jilting, but he smiles at her before leaving. So she picks up the phone to call someone.
Elsewhere, a guy with binoculars sees Hero driving. No clue who he is, but he stops the car. Introduces himself as "Stillwell" involved with internal affairs for Hero's company. Plenty of questions about all the spending going on. Detective gives some backstory and fills some blanks about how he has been watching the group since the start. He thinks he knows what is going on but has to talk to his boss before saying anything to MG.
So they go back to town so Detective can call his boss. Hero waits in the car when suddenly Detective jerks back in pain. Something spread across his face. He tumbles out of the phone booth. Falls to the ground. A Crowd gathers. A man breaks in saying he's a doctor. "I've never encountered something like this before." Detective's hands are covered in spots, as are his face. Suddenly, the doctor rears back in shock, the same spots on himself. He collapses. The crowd panics and runs.
MG sees Flirter going to her car and leaving while other people collapse from the weird freckle-ish attack.
We see a reporter talking about the incident. Gives some exposition on the "strange spots of blood" on the bodies that soon die, calling it "The Crimson Plague."
Inside, a house, our hero watches the report. Another man appears on screen announcing of isolating the town from others to avoid spreading the disease. With exposition given, Hero turns off the TV.
MG believes the plague is centered at the crash site. He tells this to a random character that enters. The man introduces himself as our departed Detective's boss.
DB won't give information, instead telling MG to go home. DB plays Mr. Mysterious, tells our hero to avoid the farm, and then leaves. MG watches out the window as other guy goes to a car and gets in. The driver was Flirter.
Not one for taking orders, MG drives on down to the gas station. He meets some new character. New guy says there has never been a girl there. Another man appears and they try to mug MG. He kicks one away but is caught in a Full Nelson by the bigger one. They tell him the girl "Never existed" and to leave before he stops existing.
We go to the farm where constuction is still going on. And, wouldn't you know it, MG pulls in. The Guard alerts him that they've been ordered to fire. They lay some warning rounds at his feet. So he leaves as the guard goes to the phone. That was...useless. New plan!
Cut to a darker time period (Not all the way night) and our hero is sneaking through the woods with binoculars. He sees fog in the distance. Water bubbles and geysers. A small space shuttle looking thing emerges. Takes off. We stay with this as he takes some while the shuttle launcher returns under the water. A bit overlong.
On TV, the reporter lets us know that the plague is spreading. Meanwhile, MG is working on papers. With exposition dropped we cut back to the farm. Okay, MG needs to learn that shoot to kill means shoot to kill. Quit tempting fate, daggone it.
Anyway, he sneaks to the highly electric fence. Tosses something at it...which shoots up sparks. Speaking of shoots, the guards open fire and our hero flees for safety, his car somehow not being damaged. Did I mention his car has no top? Not good...
So...later...he's using a rifle with scope. He is trying to take out the transformer. Gets it on the second shot and the guards unleash more bullets in his direction. Plans, MG. Do you know what they are?!
He retreats to another area and finishes off the transformer. KABOOM. Now he runs to the fence and...it's no longer electrified. Shocking...or not. He drops the gun and hurdles the chain link fence. Immediately dives into coverage as the guards go on alert since...well...a big explosion just happened.
It's dark in one shot, light in the other. He sprints after a few guard jeeps go by. Goes into a building. Looks around. Has to dive for coverage as a few workers come up an elevator.
After all his work, an alien taken friend arrives with one of their super light guns. This time, MG pounces and we get a realtively well-staged movie fight. Both men taking more abuse than they probably could in real like, but I liked it. It ends when MG BODYSLAMS the other guy THROUGH A TABLE. ECW! ECW!
Our heros hops into the elevator and takes it for a ride. After he reaches the bottom, it goes back up for another load, so he's left trying to find another hiding spot as guards step out. The guards spread out and head down hallways, managing to walk right past him. He sees someone he recognizes, but I don't. Anyway, MG goes to an iron door and works it open. Inside he sees a red light and the door shuts behind him. The music sounds like a demented Charles Shultz Peanuts theme.
He turns and see a dead man, apparently frozen. Turns again and sees more, including Flirter. The door pops open and it's Umbrella man who uses the Light Gun on him and instructs a guard to take him somewhere.
Our hero awakens. Sits up. Is in a dark room. Sneaks a look through a vented window to see people working. Tries to open his iron door from the wrong side (Fail). Tries a water fountain. It works. He doesn't drink. Notices that a light has been following his every step.
Umbrella Man appears and compliments him for his efforts, telling him to stay quiet in his cell and they'll release him after finishing their work. MG starts questioning things and is told that killing is not "their nature" unless forced to. That's good to know...
He asks about the bodies and is told they're in no danger. One last question. About the rocket. He asks how they built a 2nd one so quick. They didn't. The original returned while he was KO'd. He somehow calculated that it went to the room. I must really suck at math.
Turns out they're moving meteorites back to the moon to erase the plague. Also they're removing dead, diseased bodies to the moon to save humanity. MG has a hard time believing this, but he's in a cell, so who cares what he thinks. Takes him about 30 seconds to figure out how to escape. Advanced alien race my happy horse race.
Big Hair orders Umbrella Man to kill MG. Straight to the heart. Surprise, MG is gone. Panicked, UM opens the door. Guess who's hiding in the shadows? A quick fight scene where MG owns UM. "Some day you may thank me for this." This guy is freaking awesome.
He quickly outruns guards and ends up behind Big Hair in the main room. She has her own gun...but he doesn't care, spearing her to the ground and punching her in the face. HOLY CRAP!
He grabs her gun and sneaks to the side and watches another Alien, but the guy sense him. "You've seen too much and cannot be alive to tell." Guess who pulls the trigger first? This guy is unstoppable.
Hero takes Big Hair to the lift. Guards are rushing to the elevator room, but he's snuck behind it so they go down to the bottom level. He then simply walks out with her. Remember when I was joking about "not having a plan"? This guy doesn't need a plan. So, yeah, he takes a guard jeep and leaves with Big Hair (still KO'd).
He takes off towards the guard gate, crashes through. Triumphant music is much deserved. MG transfers them over to his car. Makes sure Big Hair can't escape and drops the exposition that he's taking her to a friend of his, the only one who would believe him. And with that, her head is shoved into hiding and he takes off in his awesome car.
Cut to the place. Wow, they didn't show the trip. This is much better than End of the World.
Inside, he chats with the friend. The friend states "Maybe these victims of the plague aren't really dead." He drops in hypothesis. Friend asks how he'd avoid being taken over. Asks about silver in the house. The only silver...Friend's Cricket Trophies. "Oh no! Not my trophies!"
Yes. His trophies. No one questions our hero. They're melted down and turned into a helmet. Sad looks from the friend throughout. They drop some movie science as to why silver would work. He admits he needs the friend to be the guinea pig, so Friend throws on the helmet and they go see Big Hair. She quickly tries to take over Friend...but fails.
They taker her out of the car, tie her up in the garage. We get shots of them working on things. A plastic gun looking thing aimed at her. Guess they're using her to figure things out. Apparently, they have a break through. Discovering a light or something that disturbs her or atleast picks up weird noises.
Cut to later and I'm a bit confused if not laughing. She's tied up and they enter with odd eye covering devices and ray guns of their own creation. They try them out. She screams. We fade out to MG looking sad.
Big Hair sits up. Cries and calls out for MG whose name is Curt. He deserves a name. They explain their movie science. They've figured out a way to detect the aliens and destroy them. She admits she can't remember much of anything. No clue about moon rockets. MG announces he and Friend are going armed and protected.
We get them talking over the infiltration. Looks like Big Hair is going along as well to get past early defenses. They do so and a guard rushes to a phone. The aliens sense trouble and close the gate coming towards the farm house.
She stops and backs up, tells MG she's going to talk to them. They don't buy it and hold her at gunpoint while another goes to check out her vehicle. Our heros sneak out the other side. Jump the guy when he goes around and blasts the other with their light gun. Big Hair and Friend just about take off without their helmets like complete idiots.
To the elevator they go. "Put on your helmets" Curt correctly orders. She has a football helmet...dear goodness.
Downstairs, we see a few other Alien People. A load of them get onto the rocket. Our heroes sneak in. Alerts stating to leave the launching area are heard. So, our heros SNEAK ON THE ROCKET. Door closes behind them.
"We've got to keep them from taking off." followed by "Stay here." Either way, MG goes up some spiral stairs, trying to open a door. But the rocket starts to shake. He tells the other two to get down. The rocket takes off...I'm not quite sure what's happening.
"They've gone into hyperdrive," we're told as the heroes get back up. They're on the way to the room. Now the door pops open and they see some rather nice human guns pointing at them.
Exposition. "We will land on the moon in 3 hours...and when we land, you will be taken to the master." The Master of the Moon. They plan on removing the plate from his head. We get a space shot of the moon...dear goodness, I'm having End of the World flashbacks...but it doesn't explode.
On the moon, we see that moon people wear silly robes. Big Hair makes a run for it, Friend knocks the gun away from UM, and Our Hero grabs the gun, pointing it at the Master of the Moon. He states he'll do what he has to in order to protect the World.
Moon Master states they don't want Earth because it's not advanced enough (there it is...). Moon Master drops a speech. Blah, blah, blah. Highest lifeform, blah, blah, blah took over bodies to survive. The plague was only to make people to "appear to die" so they could be taken to the moon, taken over, and go back to Earth to work.
Apparently, their mission is to build a ship large enough for all of them to return to their original planet so they can die there. Like an elephant's instincts I suppose.
They don't want to hurt anyone. They just want to go home. Then they shoot MG with a light gun. Nice. Friend takes off. Big Hair falls over him. Moon Master orders them to take our hero to the operating room. Because, I'm sure after your big speech, he wouldn't offer to help you leave his planet. Daggone...
The operating table is a star shaped thing. Doesn't look safe. They let him know that they'll replace his metal plate with an effective, but less resistant plate. How...nice?
Friend is moving around, waiting for his right time to attack. MG gets KO'd by knockout gas. Friend's bright idea is to shove some barrels on one guy, shoot another, and run around getting shot at. Although, admittingly, he's a pretty darn good fighter, himself. He frees others with their light gun and leads them to save our hero. Blow the door to the operating room. Power plays to get MG released. Wins.
Shockingly enough, MG offers to help if only asked. Tells them it isn't too late. If Moon Master releases his body, then he'll work to make sure Earth helps them build their ship to go home. So, a flashing white dot drifts away from Moon Master's body and the actual guy starts acting rather confused. With that, MG and Actual Guy shake hands and the movie ends.
Sudden enough, but the point was put across. I liked it.
RATING: 2.0 out of 5.0
It's okay. Far from great, but if you can ignore or accept the stupid it works out better.
Here...we...go...
We start in a rural area. Following a woman as she gets in her car and drives down a road, an alien noise whistling throughout. She meets an older man and asks if he knows what it is. He doesn't know.
We see a flying triangle in the sky. They dive to the side as it crashes to the ground.
Cut to a big satellite dish. A man in a bowler hat gets directors to go into a nearby building. Inside, we meet a Big Haired Lady, A Main Character Looking Fellow, and a Nerd. They discuss...things about space. A guy with Umbrella enters. He's the guy with the Bowler hat.
This scene is here to basically say everyone's names. I'm not writing them down. Umbrella Man revels they have knowledge of a mysterious crash and they want Main Character Looking Man to check it out. Score one for me.
Main Guy essentially says What good are meteors to me? I'm interested in life on other planets. Thanks for that character development to me. Just beware of the Marsian Luthors. Umbrella man hints that it may be a space crash.
Cut to Main Guy being told by his doctor he can't go. He recently had a car accident that required a metal plate in his skull. We immediately cut back to the office where Umbrella man introduces a couple other doctors. Main guy walks in and says they'll have to take his Assistant, Big Hair.
When asked why he's so excited, Umbrella man states, "Have you ever know meteors to land in formation?"
This leads us back to the doctor's office where Main Guy is trying to power play with his Doc to go. Doc says no. So Main Guy walks back to his office. Big Hair and he talk about how much they lose by him not going. He reassures her that she can do the job correctly, kisses her forehead. Cue the sexual harassment...oh wait, guess they're a couple.
Cut to the Meteor sight. Doctor Fodder is looking at something. Umbrella Man and Big Hair arrive. They babble movie science.
Back at the other place, Nerd and Main Guy talk. Nerd did some math and found an answer to qhere the meteors are from. The Moon. Main Guy grabs a phone.
Back at the sight, they feel the meteors and babble more movie science befor one of them starts GLOWING. Big Hair screams as it pulls her down briefly into the stone.
She then lifts her head having been "taken over" by whatever was in the rock. We get a tradionally warbled alien voice as the New Big Hair tells the other rocks it's okay to take over the others safely.
They do so. Apparently human brains are suitable to their needs. That's a first. Usually the alien is required to talk about the stupidity of humans . Thank goodness there were just enough scientists so that every rock got a body and not one too many.
Being the leader, Big Hair goes to the local bank and demands a note for 1 million pounds (Yay, we're British!). She claims to have security. Opens up a bag to reveal...oops, guess there was an extra rock. Bank President joins the ranks.
Back at...Main Guy's place...he's still trying to get through. Suddenly, Umbrella
Man returns. States that he talked to MG's doc to approve his travel. So Nerd and MG get ready to go. Back in Umbrella Alien's car, a couple rocks await our heros. Nerd gets grabbed in amusing close-up fasion. Main Character's metal plate protects him. Nerd Alien punches him in the face and the aliens take off.
MG runs back inside to discover Nerd's pre-alien work was stolen. MG goes to see his boss. Apparently, there are many requistions going on for big cash. Buying things for building along with weapons. MG declares he's going there. When asked what to tell his doctor he replies "Tell him I got better."
Cut to him driving to the place. Stops to get directions from a blond lady. She asks why he's heading there. He gives the "I'm a scientist" line. She tells him if he gets bored he could always come back for a cup of tea...subtle.
Meanwhile, at the sight (located on a farm), people ignore MG as he arrives. He reaches the end of the road to find a soldier with a gun, orders suggesting that MG not be able to enter. We also learn the fence is electrofied.
So, MG goes to his car. Revs it up. Suggests the guards move before he throws it into gear. The guard loses this game of chicken and goes to get Big Hair.
MG sees a guy coming out of a nearby pond, wearing a swimsuit. Guard returns and Big Hair Alien arrives. "Why are you creating a distubance...the doctor told you not to come." The complete lack of emotion from her seems to tip him off to problems. He asks if he can help with the finding and she tells him to leave. We then see an overly dramatic close-up of the guard unholstering his gun.
Cut to MG and his swinging awesome car pulling into town. Big Hair and Umbrella Man are there, but don't see him. UM goes to do something and MG walks him down to ask what is going on. He still can't get answers. Mostly redundant. Another character starts following MG.
Our hero sneaks back to the farm, watching from a distance. Big Hair really gets around quickly as we see her leaving again. So Main Guy gets into his car and follows. Green Screen driving ensues until he cuts in front of her. She pulls an odd looking gun that lights up on the end. It incapictates him and we see a weird sprial effect.
Cut to later. The girl who was flirting with the hero apparently found him and took him back to the gas station. He asked her what road she found him on and leaves afterwards. Slightly jilting, but he smiles at her before leaving. So she picks up the phone to call someone.
Elsewhere, a guy with binoculars sees Hero driving. No clue who he is, but he stops the car. Introduces himself as "Stillwell" involved with internal affairs for Hero's company. Plenty of questions about all the spending going on. Detective gives some backstory and fills some blanks about how he has been watching the group since the start. He thinks he knows what is going on but has to talk to his boss before saying anything to MG.
So they go back to town so Detective can call his boss. Hero waits in the car when suddenly Detective jerks back in pain. Something spread across his face. He tumbles out of the phone booth. Falls to the ground. A Crowd gathers. A man breaks in saying he's a doctor. "I've never encountered something like this before." Detective's hands are covered in spots, as are his face. Suddenly, the doctor rears back in shock, the same spots on himself. He collapses. The crowd panics and runs.
MG sees Flirter going to her car and leaving while other people collapse from the weird freckle-ish attack.
We see a reporter talking about the incident. Gives some exposition on the "strange spots of blood" on the bodies that soon die, calling it "The Crimson Plague."
Inside, a house, our hero watches the report. Another man appears on screen announcing of isolating the town from others to avoid spreading the disease. With exposition given, Hero turns off the TV.
MG believes the plague is centered at the crash site. He tells this to a random character that enters. The man introduces himself as our departed Detective's boss.
DB won't give information, instead telling MG to go home. DB plays Mr. Mysterious, tells our hero to avoid the farm, and then leaves. MG watches out the window as other guy goes to a car and gets in. The driver was Flirter.
Not one for taking orders, MG drives on down to the gas station. He meets some new character. New guy says there has never been a girl there. Another man appears and they try to mug MG. He kicks one away but is caught in a Full Nelson by the bigger one. They tell him the girl "Never existed" and to leave before he stops existing.
We go to the farm where constuction is still going on. And, wouldn't you know it, MG pulls in. The Guard alerts him that they've been ordered to fire. They lay some warning rounds at his feet. So he leaves as the guard goes to the phone. That was...useless. New plan!
Cut to a darker time period (Not all the way night) and our hero is sneaking through the woods with binoculars. He sees fog in the distance. Water bubbles and geysers. A small space shuttle looking thing emerges. Takes off. We stay with this as he takes some while the shuttle launcher returns under the water. A bit overlong.
On TV, the reporter lets us know that the plague is spreading. Meanwhile, MG is working on papers. With exposition dropped we cut back to the farm. Okay, MG needs to learn that shoot to kill means shoot to kill. Quit tempting fate, daggone it.
Anyway, he sneaks to the highly electric fence. Tosses something at it...which shoots up sparks. Speaking of shoots, the guards open fire and our hero flees for safety, his car somehow not being damaged. Did I mention his car has no top? Not good...
So...later...he's using a rifle with scope. He is trying to take out the transformer. Gets it on the second shot and the guards unleash more bullets in his direction. Plans, MG. Do you know what they are?!
He retreats to another area and finishes off the transformer. KABOOM. Now he runs to the fence and...it's no longer electrified. Shocking...or not. He drops the gun and hurdles the chain link fence. Immediately dives into coverage as the guards go on alert since...well...a big explosion just happened.
It's dark in one shot, light in the other. He sprints after a few guard jeeps go by. Goes into a building. Looks around. Has to dive for coverage as a few workers come up an elevator.
After all his work, an alien taken friend arrives with one of their super light guns. This time, MG pounces and we get a realtively well-staged movie fight. Both men taking more abuse than they probably could in real like, but I liked it. It ends when MG BODYSLAMS the other guy THROUGH A TABLE. ECW! ECW!
Our heros hops into the elevator and takes it for a ride. After he reaches the bottom, it goes back up for another load, so he's left trying to find another hiding spot as guards step out. The guards spread out and head down hallways, managing to walk right past him. He sees someone he recognizes, but I don't. Anyway, MG goes to an iron door and works it open. Inside he sees a red light and the door shuts behind him. The music sounds like a demented Charles Shultz Peanuts theme.
He turns and see a dead man, apparently frozen. Turns again and sees more, including Flirter. The door pops open and it's Umbrella man who uses the Light Gun on him and instructs a guard to take him somewhere.
Our hero awakens. Sits up. Is in a dark room. Sneaks a look through a vented window to see people working. Tries to open his iron door from the wrong side (Fail). Tries a water fountain. It works. He doesn't drink. Notices that a light has been following his every step.
Umbrella Man appears and compliments him for his efforts, telling him to stay quiet in his cell and they'll release him after finishing their work. MG starts questioning things and is told that killing is not "their nature" unless forced to. That's good to know...
He asks about the bodies and is told they're in no danger. One last question. About the rocket. He asks how they built a 2nd one so quick. They didn't. The original returned while he was KO'd. He somehow calculated that it went to the room. I must really suck at math.
Turns out they're moving meteorites back to the moon to erase the plague. Also they're removing dead, diseased bodies to the moon to save humanity. MG has a hard time believing this, but he's in a cell, so who cares what he thinks. Takes him about 30 seconds to figure out how to escape. Advanced alien race my happy horse race.
Big Hair orders Umbrella Man to kill MG. Straight to the heart. Surprise, MG is gone. Panicked, UM opens the door. Guess who's hiding in the shadows? A quick fight scene where MG owns UM. "Some day you may thank me for this." This guy is freaking awesome.
He quickly outruns guards and ends up behind Big Hair in the main room. She has her own gun...but he doesn't care, spearing her to the ground and punching her in the face. HOLY CRAP!
He grabs her gun and sneaks to the side and watches another Alien, but the guy sense him. "You've seen too much and cannot be alive to tell." Guess who pulls the trigger first? This guy is unstoppable.
Hero takes Big Hair to the lift. Guards are rushing to the elevator room, but he's snuck behind it so they go down to the bottom level. He then simply walks out with her. Remember when I was joking about "not having a plan"? This guy doesn't need a plan. So, yeah, he takes a guard jeep and leaves with Big Hair (still KO'd).
He takes off towards the guard gate, crashes through. Triumphant music is much deserved. MG transfers them over to his car. Makes sure Big Hair can't escape and drops the exposition that he's taking her to a friend of his, the only one who would believe him. And with that, her head is shoved into hiding and he takes off in his awesome car.
Cut to the place. Wow, they didn't show the trip. This is much better than End of the World.
Inside, he chats with the friend. The friend states "Maybe these victims of the plague aren't really dead." He drops in hypothesis. Friend asks how he'd avoid being taken over. Asks about silver in the house. The only silver...Friend's Cricket Trophies. "Oh no! Not my trophies!"
Yes. His trophies. No one questions our hero. They're melted down and turned into a helmet. Sad looks from the friend throughout. They drop some movie science as to why silver would work. He admits he needs the friend to be the guinea pig, so Friend throws on the helmet and they go see Big Hair. She quickly tries to take over Friend...but fails.
They taker her out of the car, tie her up in the garage. We get shots of them working on things. A plastic gun looking thing aimed at her. Guess they're using her to figure things out. Apparently, they have a break through. Discovering a light or something that disturbs her or atleast picks up weird noises.
Cut to later and I'm a bit confused if not laughing. She's tied up and they enter with odd eye covering devices and ray guns of their own creation. They try them out. She screams. We fade out to MG looking sad.
Big Hair sits up. Cries and calls out for MG whose name is Curt. He deserves a name. They explain their movie science. They've figured out a way to detect the aliens and destroy them. She admits she can't remember much of anything. No clue about moon rockets. MG announces he and Friend are going armed and protected.
We get them talking over the infiltration. Looks like Big Hair is going along as well to get past early defenses. They do so and a guard rushes to a phone. The aliens sense trouble and close the gate coming towards the farm house.
She stops and backs up, tells MG she's going to talk to them. They don't buy it and hold her at gunpoint while another goes to check out her vehicle. Our heros sneak out the other side. Jump the guy when he goes around and blasts the other with their light gun. Big Hair and Friend just about take off without their helmets like complete idiots.
To the elevator they go. "Put on your helmets" Curt correctly orders. She has a football helmet...dear goodness.
Downstairs, we see a few other Alien People. A load of them get onto the rocket. Our heroes sneak in. Alerts stating to leave the launching area are heard. So, our heros SNEAK ON THE ROCKET. Door closes behind them.
"We've got to keep them from taking off." followed by "Stay here." Either way, MG goes up some spiral stairs, trying to open a door. But the rocket starts to shake. He tells the other two to get down. The rocket takes off...I'm not quite sure what's happening.
"They've gone into hyperdrive," we're told as the heroes get back up. They're on the way to the room. Now the door pops open and they see some rather nice human guns pointing at them.
Exposition. "We will land on the moon in 3 hours...and when we land, you will be taken to the master." The Master of the Moon. They plan on removing the plate from his head. We get a space shot of the moon...dear goodness, I'm having End of the World flashbacks...but it doesn't explode.
On the moon, we see that moon people wear silly robes. Big Hair makes a run for it, Friend knocks the gun away from UM, and Our Hero grabs the gun, pointing it at the Master of the Moon. He states he'll do what he has to in order to protect the World.
Moon Master states they don't want Earth because it's not advanced enough (there it is...). Moon Master drops a speech. Blah, blah, blah. Highest lifeform, blah, blah, blah took over bodies to survive. The plague was only to make people to "appear to die" so they could be taken to the moon, taken over, and go back to Earth to work.
Apparently, their mission is to build a ship large enough for all of them to return to their original planet so they can die there. Like an elephant's instincts I suppose.
They don't want to hurt anyone. They just want to go home. Then they shoot MG with a light gun. Nice. Friend takes off. Big Hair falls over him. Moon Master orders them to take our hero to the operating room. Because, I'm sure after your big speech, he wouldn't offer to help you leave his planet. Daggone...
The operating table is a star shaped thing. Doesn't look safe. They let him know that they'll replace his metal plate with an effective, but less resistant plate. How...nice?
Friend is moving around, waiting for his right time to attack. MG gets KO'd by knockout gas. Friend's bright idea is to shove some barrels on one guy, shoot another, and run around getting shot at. Although, admittingly, he's a pretty darn good fighter, himself. He frees others with their light gun and leads them to save our hero. Blow the door to the operating room. Power plays to get MG released. Wins.
Shockingly enough, MG offers to help if only asked. Tells them it isn't too late. If Moon Master releases his body, then he'll work to make sure Earth helps them build their ship to go home. So, a flashing white dot drifts away from Moon Master's body and the actual guy starts acting rather confused. With that, MG and Actual Guy shake hands and the movie ends.
Sudden enough, but the point was put across. I liked it.
RATING: 2.0 out of 5.0
It's okay. Far from great, but if you can ignore or accept the stupid it works out better.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
End of the World
End of the World
I don't want to do anything to give this movie any more attention than it deserves. No poster in this writing. I just recently did a video review for this which I will post afterwards.
~~~~
Here...we...go.
We open with a dark alley or something. I don't know, it's so dark I can't make anything out.
Suddenly, we're inside a nearly empty restaurant where the owner (?) is playing pinball because no one else is around. Christopher Lee enters dressed as a priest.
"Please, need to call...the police before it's too late." Lee is stressing his words. The owner stops his game, gives Lee a dime for the phone, and tells him to make the call while he makes coffee.
So, as Lee goes to the phone...it explodes. Meanwhile, the coffee also explodes into the owner's face. He reacts accordingly by screaming and running headfirst through a window. It wasn't a short run either. He had to get momentum to do it.
Lee looks at the now dead owner. Gives a last rites cross motion. That's...nice? Lee leaves. Okay. that was a fun three minutes.
We see Lee walking down the street. Well, we would if there was any lighting. Eventually, we get the shock of him meeting...himself. O...k. Then they walk away as we get our opening credits.
"A Charles Band Production." At least they spelled Lee's name right. It's the End of the World as we know it...and I'm a little scared. We get the list of names in the movie. Dean Jagger is the only other one I really recognize. Directed by John Haynes.
We see old-school computers since this is an old school movie. A bored man looks at random letters on a screen, then smokes a cigarette by typing. I hope he's not the hero. This is so...so...not thrilling at all. He's walking around. Okay movie. The location is set. Character is set. GET ON WITH THE STORY. Nope. Zoom in on the computer.
See the guy look at a red phone. He picks it up! YES! Communications, please. He drops his character's name. I don't care to write it down or remember it. He's been deciphering singals from space and they seem "consistant" as if with words. Claims he has a feeling. They tell him they haven't noticed anything.
Random guy walks in and tells Smoker that he's supposed to be guest of honor at a banquet tonight, so he should probably leave.
Cut to him leaving. They show him walk through a room to the door. Daggone it.
Cut to him driving. They show the highway. They show his car being passed. Daggone it!
They show him stop at a stop sign and take off again. DAGGONE IT!
Slow zoom on a grassy field . We see a pool in the background. And trees. And houses. DAGGONE IT, MOVIE DO SOMETHING.
We see his car driving nearby this area. He comes to a stop at a house. Gets out. Makes sure to not forget his coat. Sprints to the house? Sigh...
Inside, he's dressed up. He lights a cigarette. Takes a puff. Oh for goodness sakes.
Hey! It's lady! She enters, "I knew it, you're not ready." She mumbles a couple lines and leaves. Wait! No! He sits down. We watch him a few seconds.
YES! She's back. With drinks. NOW HAVE A CONVERSATION!
He grabs her hand and says he has a better idea of what they can do instead of the banquet. "So we'll miss the food part, who cares?" And with that amazing line, they start making out. ZOOM IN ON THE KISS. Why? I get it. They like each other a little.
Cut to later. Lady is getting candy. Guy is...oh no...BACK AT WORK. Typing. She brings him a snack. We watch her entire walk there. He types some more. The soundtrack plays some "alien like" noises. This hurts so bad.
She watches him work while eating. Guess the snack was for her. "What's so important?" YES! PLOT DEVELOPMENT! Apparently, it's the first time he's found a message both coming AND going to space. Just like communication. She says she doesn't understand. He doesn't explain more.
The computer shows, "LARGE EARTH DISRUPTION" He doesn't know what it means, but it's "The first time I've been able to decipher three words from our own language." Says it's a message from space. She keeps asking what he's talking about. He's vague for no good freaking reason. She tells him they need to leave to make the banquet.
Cut to the Clubhouse, you movie for not showing them driving there. People drink and chat gibberish. He isn't interested in being there. She smiles.
CUT TO THEM DRIVING HOME. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY. She says she's proud of him, but a news report from the radio interrupts her. A big earthquake somewhere in China. Gee. A Large Earth Disruption. He obviously brings that up quickly. She doesn't really believe it. Somehow the discussion gets to him saying he's going to figure out where the words came from. We're 15 minutes in. This should have taken 10 at BEST.
Cut to a factory. People working. GET ON WITH It!! An old man in a suit, therefore important, is mad at Smoker for spending so much time at his computer. Turns out, Smoker has been invited to a tour by the Gov't. Old man rambles some more but the audio isn't great. He's telling our apparant hero that he has to go and do some lectures. Guess I misheard before. Stupid audio. Dear goodness. Scenes take longer than they should to end.
Cut to Smoker talking to a Guard. Thank goodness. Talking. Oh wait, then they go to a back room and don't talk. "Sometimes I think we've gone as far as we can..." Smoker feels that no one is willing to help him with his work. He then goes into this weird area in a lap suit with head coverage.
And we watch him walk in the dark area. The guard watches him. We both watch. He picks up an inanimate carbon rod.
CUT BACK TO HIM AT THAT FREAKING COMPUTER! Manages to decode that something is going to happen in Africa in ten minutes.
Cut to him at home. Walking while the radio plays information...that all seems useless. He walks to his bed while he wife lies there. Both say nothing. Make it stop, please. Oh thank goodness, he turned it off before sports.
"You know the best thing about this tour of yours..." his speech takes 45 minutes so the rest of the time is for them. "Like a second honeymoon."
He doesn't really seem to care and talks about what he read on the computer. This, obviously, upsets her. She turns out her light and we stay on the shot longer than we should.
Next day, he's preparing to leave. Dialouge occurs. It feels like useless filler. Then they get to a hanger and an echo ruins chances of me understanding everything. You know, for a movie that started with an exploding telephone, this thing has gone downhill.
A flow of molten lava in Zaire...you know. In Africa. Shocking. With that known we cut to an important shot of THEM DRIVING!
"Doesn't it bother you it didn't happen in the ten minutes you talk about?" He suggest that maybe their ten minutes are different from ours. They're heading someplace with signals or something.
It ends up being a convent, with nuns cleaning up. The duo walks up. Oh come on, movie... Lady finally says hello to a nun. The nun gives her a flower...that's it. This movie apparently wants me to swear.
MORE WALKING. A nun waves at them as they go past. THEY GO BACK TO THEIR CAR! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!! So, he doesn't think this is the place because of the nuns. Something he could have deduced WITHOUT GETTING OUT OF THE FREAKING CAR. The next spot listed is 40 miles away.
CUT TO THEM DRIVING IN THE FREAKING DARK. They stop, having reached a fence. It won't open, so he squeezes through. She follows. "What is this place?" "It looks like a zoo." "A zoo for what?" A ZOO FOR WHAT?! Then they walk more with out talking and I can barely see them because it's so dark.
He leaves her to get something, disappearing in the dark. So she wanders slightly. I assume since I can barely make anything out. NO TALKING. NO WALKING. NO LIGHT. NO DEVELOPMENT. You are not building a situation or a scene. THIS IS WORTHLESS PADDING.
She stands by a fence, perhaps wondering how her acting career will be after this. Goodness knows, maybe she'll get a commercial or two. Hopefully doesn't get stuck in more..."Andrew?"
She must have heard something...Something RUSHES past her. "Andrew?" The soundtrack tries to tell us this is scary. She starts screaming. It's...hilariously bad screaming. He rushes through the dark to her. "It's alright!" "I...was scared." ACTING!
She calms down remarkablely fast. And...they leave. What has been accomplished? Oh, that's right...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
If you can't stand the use of All Caps and angry ellipses, sorry. I guess. And yes, the movie is playing as I just randomly type this sentence out. Nothing is happening. If there is, he screen is to dark to tell.
FLASHLIGHT! They are instructed to go down some stairs and put against the wall. "Make a move and I'll kill both of ya." I'm kind of hoping someone's nose is itching.
An older man appears. "Who sent you?" Which turns into "There's a good chance you won't leave here alive." But once he sees who Smoker is, he calms down. Introduces himself as a Commander. They talk to each other once a month on the telephone. Guess they can't recognize voices. Everything worked out...they enter a place.
A poorly lit place. "While he's trying to decipher space messages, we focus on Russian messages." Uh...okay. Whatever, Old comMander. "It'll sound like the tower of babel" once other countries get things up there.
OC tells Smoker he could've been killed, but Smoker plays the "I can't tell you" card and...
We cut to a motel? The hades?! Okay. Scene over. She walks around in a towel. Stretches out on a bed. "Tomorrow we go back to that convent" she says. He then turns out the lights and they start to make love. I assume. "Remember the other night, I told you to go to sleep?...I was a fool." What great lines.
Cut to the convent the next day. Instead of just starting out with them arriving, we actually show them rounding a corner and pulling up to a spot. I think this movie just shiv'd me.
Pausing here to regain sanity. I need something to drink. Dt. Mt. Dew will have to suffice.\
And I'm back. It's probably been three hours. So they're at the convent and we see them walking to the door. No, they aren't talking. Just walking. Hey, a nun! "Good morning, sister." You know, for a movie plastering Christopher Lee's name all over it, he's been in it a little over 2 minutes. Yes, I'm writing to fill time again as they awlk through the convent.
Hey! It's Christopher Lee! He's the father of the convent. Smoker comes out and gives the truth that he is there to check about the signals. Lee plays dumb. Also stating he rarely hears something from the forest either. Smoker asks if he can use his...signal finding machine thing. Lee says okay and sends a nun with the duo as they do.
Cut to them walking outside while the signal thing beeps. This is a little better since it has to do with the plot and could be used to build them finding the thing. Of course, they haven't left area one in the time it has taken me to write all of this, so I am slightly concerned. Maybe they should just jump to finding the daggone signal.
They go into a building. Beep. Beep. Beep. Wife sees...a big bible or something. Doesn't matter. Beep. Beep. Beep. For some reason, the couple splits up. Shockingly enough, they keep finding bibles in the convent. Yes. we cut back and forth between them both walking around silently, why do you ask? Oh, you didn't? Then it must be my psyche.
Long story short, they find nothing. Absolutely nothing. Lee offers to let them stay for lunch. They apologize and excuse themselves. I think I can see Lee regreting his job choice.
Back at his office, the old man in a suit is yelling at Smoker to go back on his tour. Smoker instead wants to go back to that freaking computer room to search for more signals. Tells an assistant to call him if he finds anything out of the ordinary. We then see him start the computer. Type. Type. Type some more. Move to another computer. Turn it on.
Someone shoot me.
Dramatic music as he sees a message, but I can't read it because it's at an angle. Thankfully he prints it out and we zoom in and...I still can't read it. Oh for the love of Buddha.
Elsehwhere, Wife reads as Smoker drinks. Something a little stronger than Dt. Mt. Dew. They're by a very nice pool. He sits down. Turns out the message was describing his wife and him. Dun, dun, OBVIOUS. "What are we going to do?" "The one thing we can do, go it alone." That makes...nevermind.
Cut to PITCHBLACK WITH BAD LIGHTING. A couple is walking. I assume our married duo but for all I know it's a Laurel and Hardy. Man, I wish it were Laurel and Hardy. So they sneak to the convent and fail immediately as the nuns grab them. One nun with a spooky alien hand. OO Eee Oooh brother.
So, we watch as they are escorted through the convent. Seriously movie? Lee is there, His duplicate is still upstairs. They show off the thing they've been using to send messages. So I guess these are Alien Bond Villains? Or maybe you'll actually kill them after showing them the secret?
Lee thinks of his paycheck and tries to look intimidating (Note: It is never hard for Lee to look intimidating). The message machine is just a bunch of stupid flashing lights all over the plaec.
Lee says "Some warp speed should be in order" in regards to the machine being fixed. Upstairs, Other Lee, dressed in white, is praying. A couple nuns come up for him. We watch them leave. SLOWLY. They leave SLOWLY. AND WE WATCH IT ALL
Downstairs, Black Dressed Lee waits on White Dressed Lee. WD Lee walks some to the other side of the room. A Nun puts something against a glowing screen and WD Lee suddenly has a red triangle on top of him while odd noises are heard. He then collapses with wide eyes. I have no clue what that was about. None whatsoever.
BD Lee says that they've exhausted all the posibilities. Except two according to a nun. So they need the married duo. Why them? I guess cause they're here. "You are an intelligent man and soon you will understand everything." I sure hope so.
So Lee and Smoker have an exposition conversation revealling that Lee and crew is trying for interstellar travel. Apparently, the aliens cloned themselves to look like 6 nuns and a priest. This seems to upset Wife. Lee says they had no choice. Smoker randomly says "Spaceship."
Help me.
Lee says they can't return to their planet because earth has been restructured from seismic disturbances. They apparently used a "Time Warp" to travel, the triangle thing that killed WD Lee.
Could we go back to no one talking? Smoker talks about emergency speed used by a crystal. Apparently, security is really tight at the plant Smoker works at. Oh, I guess emergency speed comes from the inanimate carbon rod. Lee tells him to get it or his wife dies.
Movie paused. Okay. So, Lee and co. need something really fast to work their time warp and leave earth for their home planet. In the meantime, they cloned themselves into looking like nuns and a priest, killing them off to test their efforts on fixing the time warp. Somehow they know about Smoker's super crystal and its super speed they need. I think, repeat THINK, that is what just happened. You know, you wouldn't have had to completely vomit the plot in a 5 minute conversation if you'd used your random walking and driving time to give away details. JUST SAYING.
Movie unpaused. Darkness. Guess Smoker is somewhere else. Did I mention that I'm ticked that he's the hero? No? Okay. He reassures his wife who is still with him. "I'm a-a-fraid" she emotes on the same level as a three year old playing in a church christmas play.
So he tries to reassure her some more in case we didn't get it. He opens the door to their room and they walk out. Do they really think that no one would be paying attention to them?
Their car is gone. I have to trusht their dialouge on this since we're back to PITCH BLACK. Speaking of which, I wish the monsters from Pitch Black was here. Lee watches from the shadows and...HOLY CRAP, we see the couple running and there is LIGHT on them!
Too bad the next cut happens and they're back in darkness. Then the next cut happens and I can barely see them. DO WE NEED THIS MUCH POORLY LIT RUNNING?
They run on the road, then dip down tot he woods. I ASSUME.
They run SOME MORE. Darkness Jogging.
They stop. They walk. Of yes, make this slower. Smoker starts to cough. Yeah, smoke another one, buddy. "Of course, they're controlling our every move. That's why we can't escape. We have to find somebody they have no contact with. A total stranger." Someone make sense of that to me. Until then, I'll just go back to watching them run in the dark.
So we're back at the road. They flag down a car and ask the driver to take them to the cops. He agrees after a few seconds of debate. Then his car explodes. That's the most light we've had in this movie in about ten minutes. Good job, super duo, you got a Good Samaritan turned into a Smore.
So they walk back to the church (thankfully with an edit), and Lee stares at them. Smoker goes, "I know. Welcome to St. Catherines." Was that supposed to be witty?
Next day. Nuns made them breakfast. They even have orange juice with them. No one is talking though. Smoker SLOWLY rounds the table and sits down. They look at each other. COME ON MOVIE. Lee ambles in. "I trust that you slept well?"
"What kind of planet do you come from that you'd kill to get back there?" Apparently, it's like Utopia. No death, disease, war, and the like. Whatever. The Wife tries to act tough but you can't act tough against Christopher Lee. He assures Smoker that he'll have their "protection." Maybe some more explosions?
Wife is worried about the guards. Smoker assures her that he can get into the plant without them seeing. Gee I wonder if he realizes there is an insanely good chance they may just kill and clone her while he's gone. Either way, they hug and he gets into his car. Oh crap.
He starts it up. Drives. She turns and walks back to the nuns. Lee watches. Cut them the man driving AT NIGHT. He pulls in at the plant. But...but...did he drive on the freeway? Now I'll NEVER know.
So, he hops a fence and sneaks into the well guarded plant. It's so well guarded that it's pretty much darkness. He runs to a building and climbs a ladder. What's that? Do we watch him climb the entire way? Of course we do!
I just checked the time. 70 minutes in. The ending has to be close...it has to.
So, we're inside the plant. A guard is looking at something and sitting at his desk. Smoker sneaks in the background. Approaches slowly...and Chloroforms the guard. Good night random character. Smoker steals a key card. The camera follows him and bounces around because I assume the guy carrying it just has it on his shoulder.
Smoker opens the door to the crystal-ma-jig. I just sat here like a lump for a good 20 seconds as he walked into the room with the crystal. He gets dressed in his suit. Takes out a glowing inanimate carbon rod. Puts it into something. Takes his suit off. Another guard finds the KO'd guard. I think the new guard is the one Smoker talked to earlier so that this is dramatic. Guard won't shoot when he sees who it is.
Other guards appear and give chase. Sam Fisher could've done this with his eyes shut.
One person fires a shot. The nice guard shouts for them to stop because it's the professor. This shot is an act of aggression so we get a shot of Lee's eyes and some tanks explode killing all the guards.
Cut to pure darkness except for one or two spots. Smoker gives up the crystals. "You have what you want. Now I want my wife!"
"I'm afraid that will not be possible."
"We had an agreement!"
"I'm afraid the agreement just expired."
Smoker tries to attack Lee but gets owned. Quickly.
Cut to inside as the Wife comforts Smoker. They're in the transmission room or what the hades ever. There are TVs showing stock footage disasters as Lee watches. Lee states that he is going to destroy earth because it has created so many viruses that will hurt the universe. Well, that was the gist of the exposition he spat out. Lee is a very professional actor and I applaud him for giving every line his best.
"Your world will end. Nothing can prevent it. This convent...will be the last to go."
Lee has "set" the emergency speed to 3x what they need just to be safe. The nuns enter one by one and disappear in the red triangle. We watch on the TVs as models are destroyed, mixed with more stock footage disaster. Maybe one or two was staged by the movie. I doubt it.
Lee states that he regrets that The married duo can't come, then randomly changes into his "actual" look. He looks completely stupid. That's the only way I can describe it. Perhaps an overly large cabbage patch kid's head with no hair. We see a volcano explode and lava run down. We see fires.
More volcano explosions. Some floods and junk. Our duo watch on TV. An avalanche. I GET THE POINT, MOVIE!
Wife begs Smoker to tell her it's not true. "It had to happen" he says. "God knows what's on the other sideo that wall...it's our only chance. Let's take it." So they walk to the triangle machine. The red triangle appears and they're zapped away to another world.
A TV shows the convent. We pan around the machine room. Slowly, read that as slowly as possible. We zoom away from Earth....which then explodes. Making a very loud bang in space. Apparently Earth was full of glitter.
I hate you movie. Stop having sound in space.
And...that's the end. I hope that Lee backhanded Band for this crap.
Dear goodness. The credits are freaking slow, too...and am I hearing an ECHO of Earth's explosion in space? How the $^&#* is that workng?! Yeah. I'm done.
Rating: 0 out of 5. Worst. Movie. Ever. Ever. EVER. I'd rather watch Manos. I'd rather watch the room. I'd rather watch Salo on a full stomach. This movie was an abomination.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Shoot or be Shot
Mind to Mouth:
Shoot or be Shot
A comedy! I like those, too. And it has William Shatner of TJ Hooker fame. I like him despite the fact I’ve barely watched any of his sci-fi work. Although, I did enjoy when he hosted Full Moon Fright Night on the Sci-Fi channel (before they were Syfy). I do suppose I should get on with this…
Here…we…go…
Our name actors are listed while sounds of a pencil writing is heard. Yes, I recognize the sound and don’t have subtitles on at all. William Shatner is listed last in a “Save the…”situation.
Cut to Shatner thanking an institution for all of their hard work in helping him mature and speaking very distinguished. I suppose the joke is that he’s talking politely and nicely like a professor and he’s actually insane. He asks for his release so he can go make a movie since films are a great way to reach the people.
We reveal that he’s crazy. Score one for the DVD cover. His suit is actually a patient uniform with a jacket and tie. He is denied his release and we get a…music video introduction.
It shows clips that will most likely happen later in the movie while presenting Shater as “The Writer.” Some guy with brown hair who seems to have a penchant for shooting a gun in the air is “The Producer.” Some woman who breaks a bottle inbetween shots of her looking pretty is “The Actor.” Some guy who looks like Dax Shepard if he was somehow skinnier is “The Director.” This whole thing feels pointless.
Cut to the director reviewing his movie which follows a very stereotypical Rabbi being stalked by a very stereotypical Neo-Nazi. Somewhere, Spielberg smiles and hugs his Oscar.
Director’s mom appears to say that Miramax has no interest in his 52-minute movie. Mini-Dax says he could make it longer. On the movie, Rabbi and Nazi meet and smile at each other before hugging. “It’s about saying no to violence.” His mom nicely points out that is a message, not a story. Owned.
Mini-Dax attempts to explain why it’s okay that no one wants to watch his movies, ending with him saying he figures that his mom will continue to support him until success. Cut to her forcing him out the door and telling him he’ll thank her later.
Meanwhile, Shatner has escaped, because no walls can contain him or his awesomeness (or ego depending on which actor you talk to). He brought his script along with him.
Cut to a restaurant where we re-meet Producer and Actor. He stares at another woman while not paying attention to Actor. Actor asks why Producer hasn’t told his wife about the two of them. Actor is Heidi. Producer is Jack.
They quibble. She says he used her. He says she used him. They’re both right and the most likeable character so far is crazy Shatner. Anyway, she tells him he’s unreliable, he scoffs and then realizes he forgot his wallet.
Cut to a goofy action movie. The same one the power couple was arguing over. The musclehead main actor chomps on the scenery. Anyway, we watch some more of this crappy movie and then a maid appears, asking for Producer’s garbage. He asks her for her opinion and she bashes them. The only thing she likes is that they’re short. “Remind me to fire you sometime.”
Elsewhere, Mini-Dax shows his horrible black and white movie to his friends who fake compliment the film. One friend brings up the Producer, having worked for him on a crappy action movie. Director isn’t very happy with the idea, but he does need money.
In the dark of night, Shatner has found a car. The owners are camping out nearby. He finds a gun in the backseat, along with the keys. And away he goes. The owners notice, but they’re too wasted to do anything. Shatner turns on the radio, but quickly turns it off when Heavy Metal plays.
Actor gets a call from the maid who apparently likes her acting. Producer is starting to do independent movies to have a better image. Of course, they just had that argument, so good luck getting hired, Heidi.
Shatner arrives at a store and uses a payphone to get a number for an agent. He and the store owner discuss writing. Owner’s wife disapproves, so Shatner gives an inspirational speech. This leads up to Shatner robbing the place, which, I admit, made me laugh.
Actor gets her friend to scale the roof beside Producer’s building since she can’t afford a bug and wants to know what’s going on. They have some sort of film equipment for their low-grade spying.
Shatner hears a report about his escape, which calls him insane. “I’m not insane! I’m a writer!”
Back at Producer’s, Mini-Dax has arrived. Lupe complains about her pay, stirs tea with the handle of her duster. Actor and Friend listen in. Friend is a lip reader. Producer and Director discuss what the movie could be about. Mini-Dax suggests a movie with a message against violence. Oh boy…
Anyway, Produer is happy because that means they can “Show” why violence is bad in detail. Producer asks when Director can have the script. Director doesn’t have one so he rambles about how great it would be to film a movie with no script so everything is natural. Producer doesn’t care as women with big breasts are involved.
Cut to casting. A woman goes to take her top off, but Producer stops her. She ends up asking about a script and then leaves when she hears there isn’t one. Then, a big muscled guy attaches a weight to his tongue and swings it around. Next is a woman who gives a line and the guys are quite happy. Then her feminine voice goes masculine as she asks to try the scene again and they shoo her out. “Nice legs, though” states Director’s friend.
Meanwhile, Actor has her “trademark” hair cut and dyed off to better disguise herself for audition. They give her fake tattoos and piercings while taking shots. I don’t know if it is supposed to be funny. This change was already spoiled by the opening intro video.
On the side of the road, Shatner has found another payphone and calls for an agent who has sense left the company. So he asks for other agents names so he can send them his script. The secretary apologizes because they don’t accept unsolicited material. Cue a quote I’m sure has been said numerous times by numerous writers, “If I could solicit my own material, I wouldn’t need an agent!”
Back at auditions, a nervous guy enters. He has no experience whatsoever and that’s it. That joke falls flat with me. A deaf man gives a dirty monologue and reveals he has a piercing in his penis. Sigh.
Producer, tired of horrible auditions, flips out, rants, and leaves. Actor was next in line. She enters to audition. Fake name and resume. Thanks to her spying, she knows the right things to say. Mini-Dax is in love…I think.
Anyway, cut Producer, Director, and Dax’s Friend driving along discussing the film. Nothing relevant. Producer has the motel ready for them On the side of the road, Shatner is making another call. Points out he has years of writing experience…for instruction manuals. He gets hung up on.
In the car, Producer has a gun in the dashboard. Violence hating Director is not happy, asks if it’s loaded. Producer shows him by shooting randomly in the air. Shatner hears. Anyway, motel owner and Producer talk. No AC in any rooms. Apparently, owner doesn’t want to move too fast. They explain the movie to the owner. Producer uses Candid Camera as an example. He agrees not to spoil it to anyone.
Someone talks with the owner after they leave and Shatner hears that a movie is being made. Cut to the crew arriving. No clue where they found the other actors. Actor’s lip reading friend crushes on another actor. A guy who rode in on a motorcycle. Okay…
Elsewhere, an RV loaded and riding down the road. Producer got a discount by taking one with no AC. Lipreader flirts with Motorcycle Guy. I think it is supposed to be funny. He discusses fingernails. I don’t know…
Meanwhile, Actor continues her fake story to Director. Mini-Dax’s crush develops deeper. The driver sees a roadblock. A cop stops them. He mentions crazy Shatner. When it is revealed that they’re a movie crew, cop asks what the movie is about. Director explains that it’s about destructive impulses and how they have to be kept in check. Cop points out that is a theme, not a story. Owned again, Mini-Dax. “I guess it would be real hard work to come up with a story.” We get another good line from the cop and we move on.
At the motel, Producer sees the Driver’s sunglasses and takes them. He had an Air Conditioner brought for his room. Nice.
Lipreader and Motorcycle Guy continue their…funny…scenes. He describes how he likes standing naked in his room to deal with heat as she gets turned on.
Actor takes a jog. Mini-Dax stands around in his boxers and then reads a book. She returns and takes a skinny dip in the pool. Director hides behind a chair to watch her. Seriously. Piano music plays during this. When she finishes, he dives back to his original chair with his book. She walks over and gives away that she knew. This is…endearing?
He reveals his worries. Says he’s a coward for not trying to write a movie, sticking to his adlib stories. She is polite to him, still using the lip reading knowledge. He finally admits he was watching. She knew. Duh. He says she was beautiful. Smile and Goodnight. Is this scene not over yet?
Somewhere nearby, Shater watches through binoculars.
Cut to Actor showing off a very attractive dress to Director. Flirting interrupted by Lipreader.
Actor and Motorcycle Guy start their scene with their car “stopping.” The co-worker at the motel begins talking with them, but sees the camera, so he keeps looking at it. He does a commercial in-between their dialogue.
The actors end up in a fight with the co-worker. The whole thing is ridiculous in both good and bad ways. Shatner watches from…somewhere. The camera’s battery dies. Murphy’s Law strikes again.
Next day. Director goes to Actor’s room. He has noticed she is avoiding Jack. She talks out of it. He apologizes for tackling her off of Co-Worker.
Cut to Director and Producer jogging and chatting. Director wants to dress the actors as Buddhists and send them to an NRA meeting. Producer decides they should focus on the highway and the accidents that occur on them. This is surprisingly deep for the guy who started the movie with action movies that Steven Seagal wouldn’t sign on for.
Anyway, cut to the night, they’ve set up a fake accident. Shatner arrives. Motorcycle Guy overacts. Shatner goes to Actor, and squeezes her breast while dropping a monologue about life being ended. “Too bad I’m not into Necrophilia…” This gets the Director out, just as he wanted.
Shatner has picked up plenty and picks on Actor and Director, pointing out how she is using him. Of course, he has his gun and fires off a round. He separates Lipreader and Motorcycle Guy, makes her drive the second unit car to make sure they won’t bolt (or else MG eats a bullet). MG is forced to drive and asks where they’re going. So Shatner shoots the windshield and tells him to follow the hole.
Our escaped patient reveals he’s cancelling their movie and they’ll now be working on his. He then proceeds to own the director just like everyone else. Producer refuses to make a movie unless he’s passionate about it, so Shatner points the gun at him. Who saw that coming?
We cut to later. Actor is angry at Director since he tried to talk down Shatner instead of fighting. Shatner shushes them so that Producer can focus. Producer begs for a bathroom break and uses his cell phone to call the police. Shatner shoots the bathroom door and takes his phone.
Shatner calls his mom. She wants to know if he’ll get Paul Newman to star. Anyway, MG stops suddenly to avoid hitting a turtle. The script falls, so Director pours some alcohol on it and holds it ransom with a lighter. It fails. He gets punched. They fight. Shatner wins and pokes a cigar to his head. This causes Actor to scream and Producer remembers her. And that’s revealed.
Shatner talks about how their whole relationship was a lie. She says he has no business. He agrees, but he has a gun so he can say what he wants. Producer says he suspected earlier but her acting was good so he let it go. This makes her happy.
Producer finishes the script. He says he liked it but has notes. Shatner rejects any notes, but finally relents to one. Suggests the main character not be a travelling salesman. Perhaps a test pilot instead. Shatner doesn’t take this well.
The motel owner has been tied up and is being forced to watch Producer’s earlier horrible movie. Shatner intimidates Lipreader after she speaks out. Freaks out about all the VCR players and other like things that have clocks that people never seem to set despite the fact that the manual explains how to set it. Shatner does crazy well. Anyway, they agree to do the movie since he still has the gun.
Director complains he hasn’t got to read the script yet and talks about how he has to figure out how each scene related. Shatner verbally smacks him as “The man who stages accident scenes and calls it filmmaking.” Shatner then compliments him for protecting the script’s integrity. Crazy, you know. Director tries to power play, saying he’s going to his trailer, but Shatner roughs him up.
Director then recaps the movie in a rant about al the bad things happening to him and asks for Shatner to shoot him. Shatner agrees, but is stopped by Actor. Director insults her and she goes to the RV. Shatner decides to help by shooting him, but he begs not to die this time. “I’m getting tired of your whiny outbursts.” Me too, Bill.
Director asks to go talk to Actor. Shatner agrees as long has he shaves off a hair lip goatee he’s been sporting. Director does so. He doesn’t look as much like Dax Sheppard to me anymore. Weird. Anyway, Director and Actor make up. By the numbers stuff including the “start over reintroduction” thing.
They then discuss crazy Shatner and Director decides to make a break for Producer’s car to get the gun in the dash. She tags aong. Director almost immediately sets off the car alarm. “That’s funny…if it wasn’t pathetic.” Shatner owns. But, being crazy and all, wastes his bullets.
She walks Director through the process of firing a gun. He misses horribly. Elsewhere, Motorcycle Guy professes an attraction to Lipreader. Her hearing aid isn’t working though.
I have no clue how many bullets Shatner has, but he’s sending them off. I swear he’s fired at least 50 rounds. He pins down our heroic duo. Elsewhere, the motel owner is so irritated by the movie that he powers out of his duct tape binds. Immediately goes for his large collection of guns. I guess that’s where the money he could have used on AC went.
Shatner fires and dives through a window. Director follows. It’s a trap and Shatner is ready to shoot when he appears, butt owner appears with an automatic rifle, scaring Shatner off.
Inside the motel room, the shower came on and doused Director. Funny? Sure, why not. Shater sneaks to the top of the roof and shoots at them. Actor dives in front of the bullet and Shatner freaks out about hurting someone. He apologizes and immediately surrenders. Motel Owner still shoots at him. Misses horribly.
“It was going to be a love story” laments Shatner to the cop as he’s taken away. Deputy is reading the script and says that it is really amazing. Cop takes the script and throws it out the window. It hits the truck behind them and figuratively explodes into numerous pages. Shatner screams a “Nooooooooooooo!”
And, epilogue. We see a newspaper clipping, or whatever it is they have that reports about movies. “Renegade Filmakers Strike Gold.” Notices that I typed Filmakers. That’s their typo. Not mine. When pausing the movie, the story on the side is actually about the Tom Hanks movie, Cast Away. Now THAT’S funny.
We then see a brief clip of the trailer for the movie they filmed, which is mostly Shatner shooting.
Another newspaper thing. “New Kid in Town: CAA Signs Steinman!” Again, the actual story different, but this time is blurry so it’s not obvious..
Producer is out with the Maid. His wife is divorcing him. Rather obvious where that is going. They clink glasses and smile at each other.
Director is at his computer writing and Actor announces she got a part. She seduces him away from the computer.
Shatner is back in the crazy bin, straight jacketed. He talks about the next movie he plans on working on. When the docs leave, he sees they dropped a pen, so we get some comedy of him trying to grab it and write out his thoughts onto a roll of tissue paper. It goes as well as you would expect. He drops some “S” bombs. Not sure if it is ironic with him using the toilet paper. Anyway, he writes “Fade…in.” and we fade out.
In the credits, they actually have a song they wrote called “Shoot or be Shot.” Very nice.
The End.
Rating 2.5 out of 5.
It has some funny moments, although some parts fall flat. Shatner seems to have fun and the other actors do well. It’s far from perfect, but a nice little time filler.
.
Random Rant:
The back cover states, “Armed with a pistol he doesn’t quite know how to shoot, [Shatner] commandeers a film production…” He knows how to work the pistol just fine. Uses it repeatally. Defies the laws of reality by never reloading but shooting at least 50 shots. Director is the one who doesn’t know how to use the gun. Yeah, I just wanted to point that out, because lying is wrong.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Horror Express
Horror Express
Here…we…go…
We open with darkness with the sound of a train coming closer. Our cast and crew is listed as the train nears. Apparently the movie stars CristopherLeePeterCushing because the duos names are just completely shoved together without a bit of space between them. Also, you may notice that Mr. Lee’s first name is missing the “h” that comes after that big “C.” Misspelling the lead actors name…that’s a bad sign.
I guess bad sign #2 is when the blaring light of the train appears, it acts like white out on the rest of the cast, making many names unreadable. I’m guessing the credits were done on the last five minutes of the last day.
Also, some names are very small text. But the movie let’s me know that Telly Savalas is portraying Captain Kazan. His notable name is a giant compared to lesser known actors.
Opening credits go two and a half minutes. It’s 1906 in China. Provincia de Szechuan. A voiceover informs us of a “true and faithful” report about an expedition. The VO reveals himself as the leader, letting us know it ended badly in so many words.
So, we follow some people around as they go throw a cave. A fake moustache on one of them is quite amusing. Unless It’s real…which would be hilarious. Anyway, Cristopher Lee stumbles onto a frozen skeleton.
Cut to some people carrying a chained box. Then we recut to Pekín Concesión Rusa. A train is being loaded and unloaded. No word on the white zone. People mingle. People carrying random stuff.
We find Cristopher complaining that he sent a letter three weeks ago to ensure he had a room. He gets brushed off. Peter Cushing arrives and chats, introducing a female archaeologist. I can’t really hear the dialogue that well.
Outside, an Asian fellow in a cowboy-ish hat stands around and asks a stereotypical Asian a question before getting the guy to walk away. Cowboy Asian unlocks the chains on the box. He smiles.
Inside, Cushing confirms his two rooms, flashing some cash to ensure the 2nd one.
Stereotypical Asian returns and finds Cowboy Asian dead. His eyes pure white. Not smiling any more.
Inside, a grumpy Cripstoper stiff arms shoves some stuff off a table. A few soldiers appear, but they know and respect Lee…so suddenly a room on the train opens for him.
Outside, someone is chanting for dead Cowboy Asian. A local constable tells them to stop chanting for a thief, stating CA was a renowned lock picker. Chanter points out CA’s white eyes, stating he was “blind.” The cop then says that CA could spot a cop a mile a way. At least, I assume that’s what he said because I rewound this part multiple times and it truly sounded like the man was saying “He could f*** a policeman a mile away.” Do I have a terrible mind?
Anyway, cop walks over and sees the white eyes. A shocking sight. Chanter declares it the work of the devil and then tries to open the unlocked box. Cristopher shows up and stops him since it is his box. Chanter declares the contents unholy and needing of destruction.
Constable Exposition asks what is in the box. “Fossils,” is the reply. He then seriously asks “What is a fossil?” Cristopher replies, “A stone.” Chanter is astonished. Lee continues and explains that the box is holding a laboratory specimen, nothing of value to a thief.
Chanter talks about the cross, mentions that Satan is evil, and then tries to draw a cross on the box with chalk. The cross doesn’t appear. Cristopher verbally brushes it off and some no name characters load it onto the train while Chanter crosses himself.
On the train, the box is re-chained. A growl emits from it and Lee unlocks the lock. Slowly opens it. We see the artifact is the frozen head from earlier. He shuts the door to the artifact. With that revealed, the train kicks into gear and goes.
Cushing asks about the box, but Lee smarts off at him. A woman with a dog enters, asking if there is a place to put the little doggie. Yep. Anyway, she introduces herself and asks Lee about the crate. He says it holds nothing that would interest a lady. The dog doesn’t like him. Whines and barks during their conversation. She wonders about the box, but he blocks her and offers to walk her back to the cabin. She takes the dog with her. Okay…
Lee finds…a small white object while walking. It’s part of a chess set. He opens the nearest door and finds a man, “I’m an engineer. A scientist.” He gives the man the chess piece (Yes, he was the one who lost it) and gets irritated when the man points out the chalk used by chanter on the box should have worked.
In the box car, Cushing slips some money to the Porter asking him to look in the box. Later Cushing is in his room and a lady slips in and asks for help.
.
Back on the train, Lee is looking for his room, walks in the wrong one and meets a gray haired lady who tells him his place is next door.
Lee walks in to find Cushing and Lady (Not dog lady). Lee power plays and reveals that the ticket he forced out of the worker was the top bunk of Cushing’s room. Cushing isn’t really happy considering he paid for both so he could be alone (I would totally do that). Since he’s there, though, Cushing asks for Lee’s help with this new woman. She doesn’t have a ticket but needs the train ride.
Lee shrugs it off and takes the top bunk. The lady takes the bottom. Poor Peter.
The Porter picks the lock to the box. Whistling while he works. He opens part of it but then sees/hears something and walks away. No clue why. A decayed hand reaches out and grabs some chains. Grabs the lock. Reaches for something else. Gets a piece of metal and jimmies it. Impressive stuff for a monster.
Porter returns with a lamp. Guess he couldn’t see. He sees the…thing. It has the traditionally evil red eyes that stare at him. His eyes go white. The screen goes blurry. He falls to the ground looking like our poor departed CA.
The Monster whistles while escaping.
Elsewhere, Chanter is on the train and is roomed with the dog owner and…some guy. Yes, Dog is there, too. She asks him what dress she should wear to a ball, mocking his worries about the train and their souls. Apparently, he works for both of them. The girl is a countess.
We hear the Monster’s whistle. Like a siren’s call. Countess beams at the sound. She plays a piano that is on the train for some reason.
Lee goes back to the boxcar. Discovered the box broken into (out of?). Cushing followed. They have no clue what is going on. The Porter is only listed as “Missing” at the moment. An Inspector wants to know what is in the box. “It’s of no concern of yours.” Wrong answer. Inspector has someone start bashing it open as Lee looks on with concern.
The lock is broken by some heavy blows. The door opened and…
White eyed Porter is inside. The shock of this discovery gets Lee talking. “What was in there?” “A fossil. Part ape, part man. It lived two million years ago.” Shockingly enough, Cushing doesn’t believe that the fossil came to life, killed, and then cleaned up. Lee is taken into custody.
“Find whatever it is, and destroy it!” Inspector instructs. Cristopher seems to be the “If it’s alive, we shouldn’t kill it” guy that these movies usually have.
Our train soldiers walk. Check a room. Sleeping kids. They walk on. The decayed arm from earlier is seen emerging from the shadows. Train Soldiers are bad at hide and seek. We get a darkened close-up of the face. It’s the same from the frozen part at the beginning of the movie, but not blue. Anti-climatic-ish. Anyway, it doesn’t kill the kids.
A Train Soldier walks by himself. I guess I can call him Fodder. Another soldier enters a room and gets jumped by the creature. Fodder rushes to action. He cocks his shotgun and walks through a very dark hallway with no back up. Well trained, I’m sure. He finds his dead friend, eyes whitened, along with a door propped open.
Elsewhere, Cushing and the woman needing help are having dinner. The Chess Nerd appears and says that he has met FA before. She snubs him. He stays at the table anyway. A fish is brought to the table. Its eye is white.
When Cushing brings this up, Chess Nerd states, “Of course, it’s boiled!” Okay. Not too forced, so I’ll accept it. Thank goodness they weren’t having chicken.
Inspector arrives and asks if Cushing is a doctor. Yeah. Cushing wants to eat his dinner first, so Inspector blabs about the dead soldier right in front of the other two. He wants to know the cause of death. Cushing excuses himself and asks if the “Fossil” is still around. They assume it jumped out the opened door. Well, then this movie wouldn’t be called Horror Express, now would it.
Anyway, Cushing beckons help from female archaeologist. She makes a joke about him and the young lady. He gets her to come along for the autopsy.
Cut to dead soldier with white eyes. Cushing begins. Meanwhile, Help seeking lady shows up at Lee’s cabin. No clue why.
Cushing gets a handsaw and starts cutting Dead Soldier’s head. As he does this, we get Lady asking Cristopher if he’s upset about losing his box of bones. This irritates him as the find could have solved many of life’s riddles. Yeah, I’m sure.
The Lady calls evolution immoral. Lee calls it a fact. We then somehow to jump to her bringing up the dead men and how Cristopher doesn’t care. He still doesn’t.
Cushing gets the top of the head off. The brain is “as smooth as a baby’s bottom” according to Female Arch. So we get some exposition about how the memory and such has been removed. Explains the whistling. I liked it better when I thought the Apeman picked it up on it’s on. And apparently they’re done.
We cut elsewhere to show that the Apeman is still around. Sneaks in and checks the autopsied body. Mysterious Lady walks around. I really don’t have a clue at the moment. She goes to a room, just happens to be the autopsy room and starts picking a lock on a safe. So, she’s a thief, too?
She hears something and ignores it. The movie ruins suspense by showing the monster is there. She opens the safe and takes something out. Turns around and, shockingly enough, the monster is there. She gets boiled via red eyes.
An undeterminable amount of time later, Cushing has noticed she is missing and goes looking. She isn’t in her room.
Elsewhere, Apeman looks at the thing she stole. Cushing walks in on this and gets attacked. Inspector shows up and shoots one of the thing’s eyes out. It stares with its one good eye, but he mans up and shoots at it before collapsing. Train Soldiers and Lee arrive. They find the lady.
Later, the Inspector wakes up. He is in bed and when he looks under the covers a dramatic tone goes off. Unintentionally hilarious. Cristopher appears and says the Engineer Chess Player recognized Lady as a spy. O…kay. And Inspector KNEW?
Anyway, Lee reveals she was autopsied and had a smooth brain as well. Lee theorizes that the “creature you killed” absorbed people’s brains through the eyes, making it smarter. “What was the creature looking for?” “We’ll never know cause it’s dead.” Lee is such a jerk.
Someone walks in and hands Inspector the item that was being stolen. It belongs to the Count. So we go to him (Chanter in the room) and he reveals he has a way of making “Steel, harder than a diamond.” But he doesn’t care if it is stolen because the formula is safely tucked in his brain. Uh…oh.
Chanter claims the creature is still alive. Compares it to Satan and says it is among us. Inspector doesn’t approve. A picture of Jesus falls off the wall. Yeah, Chanter is going to focus on that.
So, we’re back to another autopsy, checking eye fluid. Inside it…is the Inspector? “The last thing the creature saw!” “It’s brain is in the eye itself!” O…kay? Elsewhere, something is checking the bodies. Back in science land, they check more fluid and see pictures of dinosaurs. This is hilarious to me.
Meanwhile, the Countess is alone and spooked by noises. She sneaks in and hears Cushing say “It can only be the Earth seen from space!” So, it is an alien.
Countess asks about “The evolution you were talking about,” so Lee tells her to look. She does and then calls in Chanter to look. He freaks out. “On the second day, he created the Earth…” Lee shows him the eye. This leads to more fun.
“The eye of Satan!”
“Nonsense. There is a scientific explanation.”
“You know it?”
.
“…No.”
Chanter talks about how before Satan was kicked from Heaven, he looked down upon the Earth. The lights go out momentarily, so Chanter grabs the eye and runs. A nice adult game of Hide and Seek begins.
Female Arch checks the baggage/box car/autopsy room. Chanter is there but hiding. Inspector sneaks up behind her. She offers him 1000 rubbles if he finds the eye. She explains that it contains pictures of the Earth. He asks who else has seen these pictures and once she reveals it…SURPRISE, he has an Apeman hand!
So, she gets boiled. I guess Apeman jumped over to Inspector’s brain. At least we know what he was hiding under the covers now, along with who was inspecting the dead bodies earlier. They are really happy with their boiling effect, because they’ve shown it everytime. It is nice.
“Have pity,” begs Chanter giving him the eye. The eye gets thrown into a nearby fire. “Are you going to kill me?” gets the reply of “Fool, there is nothing of use in your head.”
Anyway, the rest of the crew arrives. ApeInspector shows them that “There has been another murder.” Cut to people complaining to stop the train so they can get off the train. Inspector threatens to shoot anyone who tries to get off the train. Vincent Price would’ve been awesome for this role.
Anyway, he remembers the names Female Arch gave and sees them. Inspector asks a question to Lee who states he doesn’t know but has asked someone to stop the train at the next stop. Guess he missed the announcement. Anyway, ApeInspector goes and kills the guy Lee talked to.
Chanter appears. “Tell me who you are. Tell me. I will serve you.” Geez. What a turncoat. Inspector ignores him.
Back at the eating car, Lee and crew get the idea to inspect eyes. Chess Nerd steps forward suggesting they look for radioactive waves. Apparently, the Engineer keeps up with science. Cristopher decrees that the train go on the buddy system.
Therefore, the next scene, he is by himself. He discovers the man he talked to missing and his note crumpled, so he sends a message himself. “The train will be here in exactly 14 minutes.”
This news wakes up a nearby force of awesome. You know him as Telly Savalas. The Telegram man accidentally insults Savalas. He shouts to his soldiers to get ready and then addresses the man. “Just because I believe in God doesn’t mean I like to be made a fool of.”
Back on the train, “Inspector” goes to see the Engineer. He asks if Chess Nerd knows how to “overcome gravity.” “Not yet, but any day now,” is the reply. Apparently, the main guy working on this was Engineer’s teacher. “Like a father to me.” That bit of info earns him a one-way trip to white eye town.
With that out of the way, ApeInspector goes after Cristopher Lee. We get the fill-in info that the space creature took over the body on an animal and that the creature moved into another body. ApeInspector congratulates Lee on his findings but reminds him he doesn’t know whose body the monster jumped into. Cushing shows up with a gun. They’re buddy’d up, apparently.
ApeInspector goes to instill doubt by asking how they know one another is not the monster. “Monster? I’m British!” is the reply from Cushing. Nice.
Anyway, we find Dead Chess Nerd. “You must have seen something!” the lady who shared the room with him was asleep. She says the lights were off, which apparently tips off “Darkness reveals the eyes.” Lee is an awesome Detective with these deductions.
Chanter returns and leads Inspector to The Count. Count says the steel gets stronger the higher temperature goes. “What about 10 or 12,000 degrees.” “Where on Earth would you get such temperatures?” “Nowhere on Earth.” Dun. Dun. Dunnnnnnnn.
Suddenly, the train stops. Enter Savalas and Crew. And away they go again. People are rather ticked they didn’t get to leave the train. Countess enters. “The Czar will hear of this! I will have you sent to
A lady points out the Inspector as the reason they couldn’t get off the train. So Telly takes the man’s gun. “Everyone’s under arrest!” declares pre-Kojak.
“You English believe of free speech don’t you?” Telly doesn’t wait for a response before elbowing Lee in the ribs. The Inspector apparently has a “good Russian name.” Telly goes to bully Inspector. Chanter calls him a fool and threatens to curse Savalas’s troops. Telly kisses Chanter’s cross and proceeds to whip him with…a whip.
Telly asks Inspector why Chanter was trying to protect him. This tips off Lee who sneaks and turns off the lights. Boom, everyone sees the red. Inspector lashes out and cuts a random soldier.
Savalas underhand throws a knife into Inspector’s back and then guns him down. Who loves you, baby? Seeing a chance to sacrifice himself, Chanter rushes out and offers his body to the Creature.
Because he doesn’t take crap, Telly says that if anything comes back through the door Chanter ran out, to shoot it without prejudice. We then see Chanter get his wish. Alien Chanter cuts the lights, so Savalas’s crew just opens fire at the door.
They stop and wait. Wait. GET FLANKED. Random Soldiers gets insta-boiled as Alien Chanter works his way through the crew. One even throws out a Wilhelm scream.
Realizing that Alien Chanter can only kill in the dark, Lee crafts a flashlight.
Going down with a fight, Savalas rushes Alien Chanter. Gets knocked down. Grabs a sword…but doesn’t get to use it. Now I’m sad.
Lee and Cushing arrive to find the dead bodies. Lee tells Cushing to go help the others. Not sure with what. Anyway, Cristopher is heading for a showdown.
Alien Chanter returns to Count’s room. Starts talking about how the Count embarrassed Chanter even though Chanter truly did care about them. Anyway, lights out and down goes the Count. And with him, the recipe for super steel.
Countess is about to get boiled when Lee arrives. “I am a form of energy…in this shell.” He’s from another galaxy, but he was left behind by accident. He’s demented ET apparently. “The history of your planet is part of me. Pull the trigger and you end it.”
Lee stops to talk since he cares so much about the history. “I will teach you to end disease, hunger.” Lee cocks the gun, apparently not caring about Ethiopians. But Alien Chanter pulls the ace from his sleeve, bringing all is boiled victims back to half-life. Zombies?
Half-Life Count distracts Lee enough for the flashlight to ge broke. So, Lee and Countess make a break for it. Have to fight through the soldiers and assorted white-eyed victims. Lee takes Savalas’s sword and goes to work. Manly.
We get quick cuts of everything. Rising white eyes. Chanter. Lee. Countess. Cushing. Lee and Countess arrive to the cart. After which, They look to disconnect their car…or perhaps the other car. One way or the other, they’re looking for separation.
Meanwhile, a telegram tells the upcoming station to stop the train at the switching point. Something that would result in the death of all on board. They do it because “It might be war.” Wow. Okay.
So, Lee and Cushing get the card to disconnect and it slows while the main train keeps going. It hits the switching point which leads to it taking tracks that lead it over a cliff. Alien Chanter screams. The train hits the bottom and explodes. So, everyone else lives while white-eye crew and Alien bite the dust.
We hear the whistling for a second, but it is just to lead to the end music. We see the train burning at the bottom of the cliff. We zoom out to a look at planet Earth.
The End.
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