5 Word Reviews

I tried some and here is what I have to date.

I'm especially proud of my Halloween reviews.

Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes (PH3)

Mind to Mouth:

Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes

This was the only poster I could find, so it wins:

After reviewing the second one, I got curious about the other Pumpkinhead sequels, so I tracked down the next in the line. There is a fourth one, but that will come some other day.

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This one planned on being a sequel to the original, ignoring the second. Let’s see how that worked out for them

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Here…we…go…

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A Jake West film. West, Jake West.

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A Sci-Fi Picture. Oh…oh no. No! Noooo!

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Starring Doug Bradley of Hellraiser fame/ Okay. I can deal a little better. Just because Syfy has something to do with it doesn’t mean it’ll be completely horrible, right? Lance Henriksen is here, too. Hooray flashbacks or ghost character.

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Music by Rob Lord. Lord, Rob Lord.

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Opening credits are around three minutes long with a flashlight approach to showing the names while, I assume, ash falls in the background.

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Screenplay is co-written by Jake West. West, Jake West.

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Alright…shots of water and wood. We must be in the desert.

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Anyway, a man is running as fast as he can. Multiple camera cuts following his flee from an unseen follower. He trips into water. Turns and sees…Pumpkinhead. He’s no Tommyhead, but he’ll do. The man screams and backs against a tree where our title character slices a cross into his head with a very sharp fingernail. The man screams and…

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Doug Bradley wakes him up. Yay, opening dream sequence! Bradley yells at the man to move a body because it smells. They must be the local mortuary…or serial killers.

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We cut to a man and his dog going through the forest. Suddenly, the dog starts barking and charges away. The man follows and sees the dog by a decomposed and rather bony corpse. After leading his master to this display, the dog takes off again, this time bothering our former dreamer who is dragging a dead body. Well, then. The new guy decides to go in the opposite direction.

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New guy rushes into a large building that reads “Crematorium” Good call. We see some paintings, a coffin, and some rather dreary curtains. He continues to wander around without calling for anyone.

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We cut to a dead body getting its throat cut out. “What a fine specimen…” states Bradley, who assumes the flesh can be used to cover a defect. Interesting way to introduce the two guys on one gal watching him. Then again, they’re most likely here to be death filler.

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Back to Dreamer. He shoves the dead body into the muddy waters and then looks up to see…Lance Henriksen! Well, “Ed Harley” but it’s Lance just the same. “You’re livin on borrowed time.” States our ghostly Lance. He tells the Dreamer about how his way of life is going to bring him a lot of pain in the afterlife, but then tells him to not let the vengeance come back again. Gee wonder what Lance is hinting towards…With that, Lance disappears and Dreamer states “You keep outta my head, Ed Harley. You stay where you belong, in hell!”

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Meanwhile, the wanderer finally shouts “Hello!...I need to use a phone.” This quickly gets the attention of the people in the room, the one woman opening the door assuming it is Dreamer for some reason. Shock and surprise for both as she realizes it’s a stranger and he sees the slicing and dicing being done in the next room.

She tries to tackle him, but he just shoves her away. So Bradley sends the guys after him. Wanderer rushes back outside and into a nearby barn because running to the forest would be silly. He then realizes that he’s trapped with dead bodies.

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The two goons get flashlights and Dreamer appears with the dog. They enter the barn looking for him, Goon #1, who has facial hair, stabbing at bodies with a pitchfork. This is a good idea since he’s actually hiding underneath one. Each stab gets a “DUN!” sound. Anyway, his dog rats him out and he gets a pitchfork to the shoulder.

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Cut to him inside, tied down. Bradley chloroforms him while assuring the lady that Wanderer knows too much. “And you know how much a fresh kidney is worth.” With that thought, she agrees to let the murder continue.

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So from there, we get a dissection while Bradley talks about pain. “It doesn’t happen here. It happens in the brain. .

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And then the brain sends the message to the body.” These speeches have to be easy for him now-a-days. With that, he pulls out an organ. He then tells Goon #2 to get Dreamer and dump the body.

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Cut to Bradley and Goon #1 pulling into a hotel to meet their black market organ seller. They pop open their cooler to reveal the kidney and a can of beer, which the Black Market Guy gleefully grabs. Hooray, another one for the bodycount.

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Back in the…swamp…area, Dreamer and Goon #2 shoves Wanderer into the mud. Dreamer keeps apologizing to the dead body.

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Black Market Guy gives Doc Bradley some white powder. Doc wants some money for the kidney and BMG offers an IOU. Doc asks how he’s supposed to give free medical care to the town on IOUs and they share a joke before shaking hands. Bradley then looks at his hand in a slightly disgusted manner.

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Meanwhile, Wanderer wakes up. That’s rather impressive on its own. Turns out the puddle is right by the road, so he wanders (duh) to it and stops a truck. A woman gets out and he tries to tell her what happened, managing to get out the name of the crematory. She gets him into the vehicle and takes off but he does the silent “tilt of death” onto her shoulder. She quickly arrives in town where she rushes into the police station.

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“A man’s been killed by the Wallace Crematory.” However, she’s apparently the town loon so the sheriff doesn’t believe her, asking if she’s having an episode. She tells them the body is in the truck so the deputy throws down his reading material and goes to look. He quickly calls for the sheriff.

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Cut to the crematory where Sheriff and Deputy are rounding up Lady, Goon #2, and Dreamer. Doc and Goon #1 manage to stop and see this happen. We then cut the arrested three being shoved into a cell while the Sheriff calls the Lady a coward for some reason I didn’t really catch. Family related, I’m sure.

.Cut to the next day as a priest and onlookers stand by the barn as it is emptied out. Sheriff arrives and is slapped by Loon, who I need a better name for since I assume she’ll be here for a while.

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*Pause. IMDB. Character’s name is Molly Sue Allen. Okay. Continue*

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Molly Sue confronts the Sheriff about what he’s doing while dropping exposition about losing her baby. He states that he’s called the FBI who’ll come to investigate. Investigate what? The dead bodies you’ve already found? This seems rather cut and dry. Just manhunt for Doc and Goon #1.

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Oh wait, there’s Doc. He’s not associated with the crematory so he offers to give the Dead Wanderer an autopsy to determine cause of death, mentioning that those in custody could be innocent, while stating he’s unsure what was done to the bodies “is actually a crime.” Nice way to not be suspicious Doc.

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Molly insults the sheriff while a woman screams and rushes out of the barn. Her mom was in there. Turns out that Oliver is Molly’s husband but has feelings (or perhaps relations) with the Other Girl. At least that’s what I think they’re saying. Molly won’t let him go console the girl.

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Anyway, a manhunt finds the dead bodies, which we see in multiple shots. Yay.

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Back in prison, Goon #2 starts babbling about Pumpkinhead. Dreamer repeats the poem while Lady gets irritated.

Elsewhere, Oliver stumbles upon a recognizable sight. The Pumpkinhead burial ground. He climbs up, digs, finds the necklace wearing corpse, and takes it.

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Meanwhile, Doc surveys the scene of dead bodies laid out. Oliver reappears with his newly found body and Doc recognizes that it isn’t his handy work. States that it appears “old.” Duh. Be less suspicious Doc.

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We cut to later where Doc and Molly are walking around the bodies. He tells her that there are no children, but, right on cue, the sheriff walks out with a child sized body. Commence freak out. Unlike other actresses, Molly can emote quite convincingly. Good for her.

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Doc consoles her and covers up the body. We then see an old haggard looking woman. “It’s the old woman from the woods.” “The stories are true!” Thanks Other Girl and Random Guy.

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She stops at the corpse taken from the Pumpkinhead Burial Site. “This one belongs to me.” She says they shouldn’t have “disturbed this one.” She then loads it up on a wooden made sled device and wheels it off. Molly Sue follows her.

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Oliver tries to stop her because “She’s not the answer.” Molly doesn’t care. She begs the supposed witch for help avenging her child. The witch says no and leaves.

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So later, Molly meets up with Other Girl, Random Guy, and…Who the frick is that? She calls him Ritchie. Hi, guy I’ve never noticed until now. She gives a speech about how they should go to the old woman and ensure vengeance for what was done. “I know you don’t like me but we’ve been wronged.”

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She states she’s going even if she has to go alone; so we obviously cut to all four walking to the old woman’s place. They arrive and enter. We get “creepy” shots of the place like skulls, spiders, and rats.

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“I know that’s you back there Molly Sue.” Before spouting about the price she has to pay. Molly offers money, but that’s kind of not what the lady meant. Old Woman talks about vengeance and makes all four people say the word to confirm this is what they want.

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The witch then cuts Molly’s hand, letting some blood pour into a ball. Ellie Johnson is the other woman of the group. She’s still getting Other Girl status from me. Just catching that in dialogue. Anyway, the other three get cut and the witch mixes together a brew as we get the creepy shots again.

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She pours some of the concoction on the corpse she had taken earlier. The Corpse morphs into Ed Harley himself before transforming into a CGI Pumpkinhead who then turns into a suited Pumpkinhead and hissing. During this the “connection” has occurred and the four vengeance seekers have passed out.

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Back at prison, Dreamer wakes up screaming. “He’s coming for me!” Suddenly, Pumpkinhead BUSTS DOWN the door. The people in the cell handle this amazingly well, while the Deputy grabs his gun and starts shooting. He is rewarded with a pimp slap across the room. “Do you believe me now?” asks Dreamer, who really should be panicking.

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Pumpkinhead slices the Deputy’s throat and then grabs Goon #2 through the cell, giving us our poster shot. Meanwhile, Lady has grabbed Deputy’s keys since he doesn’t need them anymore and works to unlock the cell. Blood is spurting from Goon #2. Splurt. Splurt.

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The other two get out and rush to the police car, taking off before Pumpkinhead can get a grip on it. They rush to Doc’s place, causing Goon #1 to freak out at a cop car arriving. Lady and Dreamer hurry in shouting about Pumpkinhead. Doc doesn’t believe it. Goon #1 does.

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Lady takes time out to ask for the drugs that Doc has. He asks for the truth first. “Did it say anything.” “It just kills, it doesn’t stop for a chat.” Amusing. Doc sends them off after giving Goon #1 the cop car keys so he can dispose of it. Doc doesn’t seem very worried.

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Lady goes to her room to take her drugs but Dreamer takes it saying he wishes she’d stop. “We got to figure out what we’re gonna do, or we’re gonna die. All of us.” He says this in a very non-terrified way. Not sure why.

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For some reason, Molly and Oliver arrive at Doc’s place. They enter and see him cocking a shotgun. He greets them and it appears they’re there because Molly isn’t feeling well. Feeling the pain of a guy having his head crushed through jail cell bars will do that.

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Meanwhile, Goon #1 hears a noise. Three guesses. First two don’t count. He’s not in panic mode yet and sees Oliver’s truck. This causes him to climb up the side of the house. Yeah…did I miss something? Oh well.

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Doc inspects Molly and gets some pills for her. It’s obvious he’s rushing. Oliver states that a memorial service is being held and Doc says he’ll be there.

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Outside, Goon #1 has stopped climbing and waits until Molly and Oliver drive off. It’s about then he actually sees Pumpkinhead. This inspires him to climb higher. Pumpkinhead shakes and breaks off the trellis but Goon gets to the roof and rushes over to Lady’s window, banging for them to let him in. But the window is apparently stuck. .

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Thankfully, Pumpkinhead shows up to help with that problems by bashing Goon #1 through it head first before carrying him to the top of the house and jamming him down on the weather vane. Nice work.

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We get a reaction shot from the four vengeance seekers feeling the pain. Doc, Lady, and Dreamer gun up and rush outside. They take a few shots at Pumpkinhead before getting in their car. You’d think they’d get a good head start, but Pumpkinhead uses his new CGI powers and jumps down to the ground.

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As they drive off, Doc tries to think up a “reasonable explanation” for the death bringing demon that is after them. Good luck with that. Dreamer has another vision of Ed Harley telling him that “You’re all marked.”

“It’s not my fault, Ed Harley.” “Try telling God that. I just laid down with dogs and got fleas…” Henriksen handles the lines well but it feels awfully forced. Anyway, Doc yells at Dreamer, breaking him out of his vision. This doesn’t help things as Dreamer now sees Ed Harley in the middle of the road and grabs the wheel of the car, causing them to wreck. This KOs Lady so Doc has Dreamer carry her.

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They walk through a cemetery towards the “back of the church.” I only know that thanks to exposition. Dreamer must have good legs to be out of shape, carrying someone, and not be winded walking to town. Anyway, they sneak inside and Lady is put onto a stone table. Doc asks Dreamer about Pumpkinhead causing a first movie flashback of the little kid from the first movie. This reveals Dreamer’s connection (He is the grown up version of that kid). We get a flashback recap of the first movie.

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Henriksen is in the background where Doc Bradley can’t see him. This leads to slightly humorous spots during this back story. Such as when Dreamer tells Doc to turn around and talk to him. Lance gives the “throat slice” motion to Dreamer and then disappears when Bradley turns around. Then reappears to do a “shot in the head” motion as Dreamer recalls the end of the first movie.

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They hear music from the church and Doc tells Dreamer not to leave and to not move Lady. Doc then steps out, blocking the exit on his way.

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In the church, there is a memorial service with candles and bit characters. Doc throws on a hat and enters, removing his hat when he sits beside Molly & Oliver so that they’re the only ones to notice the cut he got from the crash. Brief dialogue by them and then the preacher preaches.

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Outside, CGI Pumpkinhead props a broken off tree against the door to the church.

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Lady wakes up and Dreamer tells her that Pumpkinhead has arrived. In the church, no one suspects. Outside, Pumpkinhead uses his CGI powers to scale the church. Lady assures that Doc will take care of Dreamer and her. Preacher keeps preaching.

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The Priest states “Ashes to Ashes…” and Pumpkinhead breaks the stained glass window, the shards falling and sticking in the priest’s face. People, obviously, panic and rush for the door. Oopsie. That isn’t going to work.

The Priest throws holy water into Pumpkinhead’s face. This…doesn’t work. Pumpkinhead throws the Priest into the rows of lit candles. This…works. Pumpkinhead smiles at the destruction. Fire, fire, fire.

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Sheriff pulls his gun, but gets grabbed around the throat and choked to death before having his head spiked off a bench. Doc sees someone reacting to the pain going on. It’s Ritchie…I think. Maybe it’s Random Guy. Sorry…I can’t really recall these people. Anyway, this guy gets up to flee once the churchgoers bash the door enough to cause the tree trunk to roll away. Only problem is that a wooden beam falls and crushes him.

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This momentarily saves Doc since Pumpkinhead collapses from the pain. Doc gets out and stops Ellie because “Ronnie didn’t make it.” Oh, so that was his name. Guess that means Ritchie is still alive. Yay?

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Anyway, downstairs, Dreamer and Lady can’t get out due to the blockade put up by Doc. But he arrives and let’s them out. Yay false tension? “It’s over.” He declares, which is a cue for Pumpkinhead to come walking out of the flames. RUN AWAY!!!

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Back at her place, Molly wants to know why Pumpkinhead came to the church. Who it was after since only the “marked” are in the way? Oliver doesn’t know what’s going on, but he really does have an impressively deep voice.

Doc and crew return home for some reason. Dreamer is ordered to go remove Goon #1 from the weather vane. .

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Inside, he confirms that Lady has a concussion. Outside, Dreamer apologizes to Goon #1’s corpse while the rain pours.

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A car pulls in. Doc says he’ll go get rid of it. It’s Oliver. He is worried about Molly Sue and thinks it may have sprung from her walk to The Witch. This allows Doc to find out who are the others who went to see the old woman. This obviously sets up the rest of the movie sense he’ll want to get to them before Pumpkinhead gets to him.

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Meanwhile, Dreamer has slipped on the roof and is clinging to the dead body (still on vane). His weight causes the vane to start bending. The dead body starts sliding off. Dreamer reaches out for anything to grab onto. He barely makes it back on the slanted roof. The body slides off the vane.

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Ground level, Doc has convinced Oliver to leave. Oliver gets into his truck. The body starts to slide down the roof. Dreamer can’t reach it. Doc walks back towards the house. The truck starts to pull around. The body is going, going, falls.

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Oliver’s truck drives off and the body plops to the ground, Doc taking a moment to look at it before walking back inside. Amusing ending to the scene.

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At this point, Other Girl is freaking out about Pumpkinhead while tending to the other guy of the witching group. He apparently got hurt during the fire. I honestly didn’t notice. Oliver shows up and we have dialogue where Other Girl decides to go see the witch again. “I asked for vengeance. I thought it was going to be justice, but I was wrong.” Duh.

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Back at Doc’s…Dreamer digs a grave for Goon #1 lamenting their troubles while Doc keeps talking about how he’ll save them by…shock, shock, getting rid of those who went see the witch. Dreamer cries that he wants to go home. .

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We cut to him in a room looking for something. He finds it. A map…most likely to the witch’s place. He hears a noise and it’s…Ed Harley. We see the map…yep. Witch’s place.

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Dreamer goes to Ed, who wears the Pumpkinhead necklace. Ed walks away and Dreamer follows. Somewhere else, Other Girl and Oliver go through the forest. Wait, there’s Dreamer following them. Okay. Anyway, they reach the house.

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Cue creepy shots…again. Yay, padding. “Why have you come back, Ellie Johnson.” Not bad for a blind woman.

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Ellie woodenly asks for Witch to stop it. Oliver offers to right the wrong to stop the monster. Witch mocks him for the suggestion. Ellie doesn’t want vengeance anymore. Too bad. Oliver dips into the baritone by saying he isn’t afraid and they leave, him still thinking about righting the wrong. After they leave, she senses Dreamer and tells him he’ll find no pity from her.

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Back with Doc, he goes to visit the wounded member of the four vengeance seekers. Well, three now. Two soon. Doc gets a syringe full of nasty looking stuff but accidentally wakes up the man. Doc does his best to calm Ritchie so that he can stab him, offering to inspect the injury. However, before he can plunge the needle, an old friend with an odd shaped head shows up. The place starts shaking and both men fall to the ground. Injured guy sees the needle and instantly figures out that Doc is part of the bad crew getting punished.

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Doc shouts something at him and Pumpkinhead rips a hole in the wall with his tail. I don’t know why. “Who else, Richie?” shouts Doc, who should already know. Injured Guy won’t talk, even with the needle next to his throat. “See you in hell, Doc.” He forces the syringe into his neck. This stops Pumpkinhead and allows Doc to escape, although his vehicle is now destroyed.

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We cut to later when Oliver and Ellie find the carnage along with Doc’s hat. They instantly make the same jump in conclusion as Injured Guy. Awesome work Nancy Drew and Columbo.

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Moving on, Doc is running around. The other two back in Oliver’s vehicle. Oliver thinks cremating the bodies may undo the wrong. Elsewhere, Doc has tracked down Molly Sue. He creeps into her window and sees that she’s packing to leave.

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She is returning to the room, so he hides in the closet and starts straightening a wire hanger. Of course, his plans to jump out are slightly halted when she recovers gets her gun to pack. This delays him enough for Oliver to return and warn her about Doc. Only problem…she doesn’t believe him. I’m not sure why, but she just doesn’t. Oliver keeps insisting he can fix things, but she declares that “It’s over,” along with comments about him being better off with Ellie. With that she goes to her car and leaves for the local motel.

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Back at Doc’s place, Lady packs up making sure to get her money, hidden away in the bible, obviously. She calls for her brother, Dreamer, but he isn’t there. Doc returns and dismisses his absence. Then, for the fun of it, Doc tempts Lady with some crystal meth over her brother. “I ain’t going nowhere without him!” “Or your crystal meth?” That’s some blunt dialogue. Anyway, since she was having character development, we reduce her to junkie.

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Cut to the motel where Molly is banging on a door because music is loudly coming out of the room. Whose room? Shucks darn if it isn’t our Black Market Guy. He tries to seduce her (or something like that) so she pulls her gun on him before leaving.

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Soon after, Doc and Lady arrive and start banging on BMG’s door. Molly sees them. Once inside, BMG tells them about Molly before Lady starts to seduce him for more drugs. Doc smiles because “We’ve got business with her.”

Molly is in her dark room as memories scream from her mind. Pretty much.

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Dreamer is sprinting through the forest, passing by another Ed Harley vision who tells him he should just get it over with. Dreamer decides not to do so and rushes back to the crematorium.

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Inside, he finds Other Girl and Oliver. He gives his redemption speech and offers to help them. The accept.

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Cutting back to BMG and Lady partying. Clothes on, perverts. Doc is using his stethoscope to listen for Molly. Just go knock, Doc…

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Meanwhile, Dreamer, Oliver, and Other Girl get the furnace burning. Triumphant music plays. They then go to get the dead bodies, stepping past the police tape. Why are those bodies still there? Oh well.

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We get a burning the corpses montage and then Oliver states “Ashes to Ashes,” just in case you haven’t picked up on that.

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Back at the hotel, Doc decides to go to Molly’s room armed, but she’s waiting with her gun. He goes into a monologue about how he saved her life when she was 12. Doc says that the dead do not feel pain and Molly brings up the Wanderer. Doc essentially calls him collateral damage so he could keep the town healthy. Just wear an “I’m Evil” sign, Doc.

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Then we get more corpse burning at the crematorium. I want to make a BBQ joke, but I just can’t. Such triumphant music for something that is most likely going to fail hard.

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Doc keeps talking to Molly back at the motel. “I didn’t take your baby from you.” And, whoa, whoa, whoa. Her eyes just changed, complete with a sound effect. I guess that means Pumpkinhead is near?

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Meanwhile in the hotel room, Lady and BMG are…interrupted as Pumpkinhead busts open the door and steps in (ducking under the frame of course).

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BMG gets grabbed around the throat, Lady laughing while in her high. Lady ambles out of the room.

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Molly drops the gun while experiencing BMG’s pain. Lady arrives in Molly’s room, as does BMG. Only problem is that BMG’s arrival is via wall throw. So, now he’s the Kool-Aid Man.

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Anyway, Other Lady starts showing the “signs of vengeance” or whatever it is.

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Doc calmly steps up on the bed and starts firing. He misses horribly. So in a last resort, he shoots Molly in the gut. Which kills her rather quickly, actually. Bye, Molly!

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Elsewhere, Other Girl tells Oliver they would’ve been good together. Doc is proud of himself but apparently forgets that there is one more person as Pumpkinhead gets up and slaps him through a nearby window. Lady, still rather high, welcomes her demise and gets a clawed finger through the chest. Anti-climatic.

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One of Doc’s bullets hit a gas canister of some sort and the gas reaches a flame. KA. BOOM. Doc gets flung through the air and hits a car with a heavy thud.

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Other Girl Ellie feels the events and tells Oliver that she’s the only one left. Follows that up with how she’s the only one left from the four and can “feel it taking me. I’ll be lost to you soon.” She doesn’t really show much emotion in this revelation. Oh well.

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Back at the hotel, Doc gets up slowly and starts moving in the opposite direction as the fire. We then get a cut to show he is heading for the crematory.

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Speaking of that, they’re still burning corpses. I guess they were moving at actual speed during that slow motion montage. Ed Harley shows up to remind Dreamer how doomed he is. Thanks Ed. Doc enters. “I told you I would stop this.”

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He pulls his gun (unknowing that a rather stealthy Pumpkinhead is right behind him) and aims at Other Girl. Dreamer seems to think he’s part of the secret service as he dives in front of the bullet.

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Doc then gets smacked by our title character. We get a close up of a picture. Then, Doc gets impaled by Pumpkinhead’s tail. As this goes on, Other Girl throws the final corpse in the fire. Shockingly enough, it doesn’t work.

Doc falls to the ground, quite dead. Pumpkinhead grabs Dreamer and Oliver by the throat, so Other Girl decides to sacrifice herself by climbing in the fire. You know, there is a gun lying around…

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Anyway, flashes of the deaths in the movie as Pumpkinhead screams and then collapses. It transforms into Ed Harley and then disappears. Dreamer smiles.

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A couple men in black, the FBI Guys mentioned way earlier, arrive. The old woman appears, watching from a distance. The remaining main characters get handcuffed and hauled away for questioning. No one noticing that Dreamer got shot?

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Then, the Old Witch Woman goes into the crematory and carries out the Pumpkinhead Corpse to bury again, which we see occur. If it’s the original, then why did it disappear, if it’s Ellie, then how is it not pure ash. Nevermind, there is Ellie’s necklace. Guess it’s her. Movie over.

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Roll credits.

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The Score: 2.5 out of 5

It’s a passable direct to video sequel that does an okay job of picking up where the original left off. It also pretty much confirms that Pumpkinhead 2 is the Halloween 3 of this series.

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Constructive Criticism:

The movie definitely knew what it wanted to do. The connections to the first movie are well handled and Lance Henriksen wasn’t just shoehorned into the story. There was a very good reason for him to be there.

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Afterthoughts:

Okay, Old Witch Woman, why take the one that jumped into fire? Sure, “Ronnie” most likely reduced to ash by the church fire and Molly probably got burned away at the motel but Ritchie only had a needle of stuff shoved in his neck. He’s prime picking for corpse burying. Did you just want to make a female Pumpkinhead next time?

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Well that was interesting and tried to carry on from the first story…hey, wait a second…What happened to Wanderer’s Dog?!

Legion

I've only seen one real poster for Legion. One of our main character spreading his wings (that he'll disgard amazingly quick in the actual film. Pre-review spoiler alert...oh, that's supposed to go first, huh?)

Outside of that is banners of other characters holding guns in "cool" poses...well, except for Dennis Quaid. His pose looks like he's confused. After seeing the movie, I understand. Therefore, it is the only picture I'll post...

It's okay, Dennis. At least it's not Jaws 3-D.

I should really get to the actual review, huh?

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Mind to Mouth:

Legion

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This movie gave me troubles. I just couldn’t get into it and spent numerous days trying to sit down and watch. Most of the time, other things grabbed my attention and it went without viewing. So, here is my many day breakdown of…Legion. Added lines will have [_] around them so you know what was written while viewing.

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DAY 1:

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Here…we…go…

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Screen Gems. BOLD Films.

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Since it’s a nice “religion” based horror film, we get ourselves a bible quote. Psalm 34:11 if you’re curious. Talks about teaching “The fear of the lord.” Combine it with “creepy noise.”

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And, we have a voice over. A woman discussing how she was taught about G-d being kind, merciful, and just. But then her father abandoned the family. Momma apparently changed to talking about how G-d would end the world. When asking why he would do such a thing, we get the reply “I don’t know…I guess he just got tired of all the bull[crap].” That’s right. I do TV Edits in my reviews. Anyway, thanks mom for such bright insight.

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Chanting music and title screen. LEGION!

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CGI Angel crashes to earth. Thanks to a subtitle, it’s in L.A. on December 23 at 1:02 AM. Specific. Now Non-CGI Angel gets up with some blood running down the right side of his face. It starts raining and he pulls a knife at a barking dog. So much action so far…

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He takes his shirt off and we see his wings in the shadows. We see a halo effect as he cuts himself, removing the wings. A round bracelet like object falls to the ground. Blood drains away…or something that resembles it at least.

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Cut to the inside of a building. Some new guy is looking around with a flashlight. It doesn’t matter who he is since the angel falls through the glass window on the roof on top of him.

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Angel rushes into a bathroom and inspects his new cuts. Smears some blood around. Then he’s suddenly running through the place and opens the door to a room…FULL OF GUNS. Ok. He loads up and throws on a suit.

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Cut to a cop car. Two officers driving around complaining about the world. The especially angry one talks about wanting to shoot people and suddenly AN EXPLOSION occurs in front of them. Slam on the brakes and look at the giant burning hole…and there’s the Angel.

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The cops pop out, guns drawn. Tell our (Fallen?) Angel. He doesn’t drop his bags as ordered. “There isn’t much time.” He states. They don’t care. Super Angry Cop is dropping F-bombs and irritating me. Other cop goes to cuff the Angel who “Action Movie” counters him.

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With his partner now in an arm bar, SAC yells more but suddenly starts shaking at a rapid CGI induced rate. He stops. His pupils larger and his teeth pointier. (Thanks close-up). He then speaks in the same “possessed” voice that has been used for centuries to show that someone is possessed, asking “Michael” what he’s doing. So our angel has a name. Gee I wonder if it’s Archangel Michael, or just some random Michael who gets mistaken for him all the time…

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Anyway, “These weren’t your orders.” Michael replies “I’m following my own orders.” We get an exposition sentence informing Michael will die “along with the child,” and then Possessed Cop shoots the very confused Other Cop. Michael rolls and fires taking out PC. Then since no one else is left to use the Police car, he borrows it. Lights of buildings go off as his car passes…sure. Why not?

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[I pause the movie. Not for any rant, but just to take a break at the opening and get some food. When I return…other things grab my attention. The movie never gets turned back on.]

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DAY 2:

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[I watch up to the same point.]

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We cut away from the dimming city as a guy wakes up. Hi new guy. He lives in a trailer and heads out to stare at the sky, but in his way is a building with a sign that reads “Paradise Falls.” I’m sure you’re proud of that pun movie. You shouldn’t be.

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A girl named “Charlie” hears him and starts up a conversation. I couldn’t make out the name she called him, but it sounded like Jeep. I may have misheard since he’s not a big guy, unless it’s an ironic nickname.

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[I pause and rewind a few times to make sure I’m hearing correctly. Finally turn on the CC to discover…yeah, his name is Jeep. That revelation (I see what I did there…) causes me to sigh and then I get a phone call. When I return…the movie never gets turned back on.]

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DAY 3:

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[Uh…I meant to watch it. I swear.]

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DAY 4:

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[Rewatch up to where I’ve seen to make sure I’m not forgetting or missing something. Then I remember a show is on I wanted to watch so it gets turned off again. Plan on skipping the opening next time as the cursing cop really gets on my nerves.]

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DAY 5:

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[Staying Alive. Staying Alive.]

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DAY 6:

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[Okay. Focus. When we last left, we’d met Charlie and Jeep. So…

Here…we…go…again.]

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Charlie reveals that she’s pregnant, talking about how the baby is kicking as if he senses something. Sure. Anyway, Jeep had a bad dream. Charlie feels that it’s because he’s too stressed, worrying about everything. Throwaway line about how Jeep is helping her despite the fact that the baby isn’t his. So, he’s a good guy. That’s nice.

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Charlie’s “Not ready to be a momma.” At eight months pregnant, this is a bad time to realize this. Jeep promises that he’ll help her. But she responds he needs to stop “carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.” That bit of character introduction done, we cut.

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Dennis Quaid is trying to get a TV to work in a bar while Charles S. Dutton wonders where his career went. They bounce dialogue off each other like seasoned vets can. Meanwhile, a couple patrons argue about their provocatively dressed daughter. The father chooses to openly ask why the daughter is dressing such a way so we know she’s rebellious when she replies full of snark. Cliché family issues complete.

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The father is very meh and emotionless about the reply. I guess he’s distant. Mama swears she’s being punished for something.

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[And…the “T” key flies off my laptop. I pause the movie and fix it. My laptop is now 5 years old and I’ve very sentimental about it because I’m weird like that. Anyway, after doing so, I get caught up watching sports. ]

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DAY 7:

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We cut from the meh father to Random Guy driving down the road listening to rap and checking his cell while speeding. No service, so he checks his map and then pulls over. He sees Charlie smoking (Yes, pregnant Charlie) and tells her she should stop for the baby. It’s a little late for that.

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He then suggests that she give him one of hers before she stops. Endearing. They bounce a couple lines off each other and she gives him a cigarette and then lets him know he’s lost. He asks for a phone and she directs him inside after ensuring him that there is food inside, too.

.

Jeep appears and asks if she’s okay. With that done, we cut back into the arguing couple arguing. Rebel Daughter gives the “Hi, there” look at Lost Driver. Dennis Quaid makes a comment about Charlie smoking which she brushes off like she did earlier. She then insults Quaid who claims he quit two years ago.

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Lost Driver asks for a phone, but Angry Dad butts in to ask when his car will be fixed. Apparently, Jeep was supposed to have it fixed an hour ago. So Quaid goes out and finds Jeep not working on the car because he’s working on something for Charlie. So they have a confrontation about the attention Jeep is showing the pregnant girl. Quaid essentially asks “You going to keep following her around when she runs around with every other guy?” which angers Jeep. “SHE’S NOT LIKE THAT!” Quaid is Jeep’s dad, by the way. Jeep claims he can’t explain why he’s doing what he’s doing but that dreams have been haunting him and he feels he has to.

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Quaid then gives a speech about the restaurant/gas station/repair shop. How he couldn’t explain why, but he knew it would work. He told his wife so. Felt it deep inside. He knew a line of shopping marts would move in and they’d go from the middle of nowhere to the middle of town, turning it into a goldmine. But the superstore moved a city over leaving him looking stupid. He doesn’t want his son to make a mistake believing in something that’ll never happen. Quaid wants Jeep to find a place to go. “I don’t want you to wake up…and realize you’re lost. Just like anyone else who stops here.” It’s a darn strong speech from a darn good actor.

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He finishes up and tells Jeep to get the car done so that the Angry Couple can leave.

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Quaid goes back inside and sees that his TV is on the fritz again. Outside, Jeep sees a dark, foreboding cloud coming their way. Quaid goes to fix the TV again. Jeep turns around and realizes another cloud is coming from the opposite direction. DUN DUN DUNNNN.

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Charlie, Dutton, and Quaid snipe at each other about the TV. It finally comes back on…but it’s a test pattern. “What the hell is that?” Dutton asks. The TV reads “THIS IS NOT A TEST.” Angry Mom wonders why they would have the buffer without reports on what to do. Dutton turns on the radio to find that no stations are playing. The Test Signal sound is going on and on. And on. And on. I get that it’s supposed to build some tension, but it’s just hurting my ears.

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[Enough that I took a break from the movie, and then got caught up editing my Sorority Row entry. Oops.]

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DAY 8:

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Meanwhile, Lost Driver is on the phone. It’s working. He wants to talk to his son, but his wife refuses and he claims “I don’t care what you’re lawyer said!” The phone then dies on him.

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“Why is the TV out?” asks Angry Mom who is starting to panic. Rebel Teen states “It’s probably terrorists.” Angry Mom officially becomes Panic Mom. Meh Dad is still meh. Lost Driver wants the money he paid to use the phone back since it went out.

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A dusty car pulls into the gas station. The door pops open and…a walker pops out. An old woman pushes herself out of the car, slowly heading inside. Meanwhile, Jeep is back working on the car.

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Old Lady makes it inside. Charlie smiles and tells her where to find the specials. “I already know what I want.” She says in her sweetest old lady voice. After ordering, she points out Charlie’s “unusual” girl name. Charlie smiles and leaves to get the food ready.

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“Hello. I’m Gladys. Gladys Foster.” Old Lady introduces herself to Panic Mom and Meh Dad. Panic Mom states their names. We chit-chat and get some exposition on the Angry Couple. Panic Mom asks if Gladys heard anything about what’s going on.

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“You don’t have to worry about that, sweetheart. It’ll all be over soon.” The sweet voice comes out creepy here. Foreshadowing is a nice thing.

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Jeep enters and pulls his dad to the side. Seems the Angry Couple’s car has something wrong with its computer and can’t be fixed. Uh-oh.

.

Charlie brings the food to Sweet Old Lady, who inquires on the father of the soon to be born child. “I wouldn’t know. Out of sight, out of mind.” Old Lady, “I take it you’re not married…that’s too bad.” Charlie assures that she’ll be okay.

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“But what about the baby?...It’s gonna burn.” Charlie’s eyes widen. “What did you say?” “I said your ****ing baby’s gonna burn.” Sweet voice still being used for unintentional hilarity. I’m surprised they didn’t get Betty White for this role.

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Everyone else (minus the arguing Jeep and Daddy) looks up in shock. Charlie storms off as Old Lady states “All the little babies gonna burn.” Don’t run it into the ground, movie. She eats her steak.

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Panic Mom tries to talk softly, but Sweet Old Lady busts out a warbled evil voice to shout profanities at her. This wakes up Meh Dad. He storms over to Gladys’s table and demands an apology. He instead gets his jugular ripped out by the surprisingly sturdy old lady teeth.

.

Panic enuses. Old Lady drops the “F-Bomb” some more and Dutton Dutton (who is still here despite not doing much) WINGS A FRYING PAN at her. She pops back up and starts running around, doing some wall climbing along the way. This is enough to cause Quaid to get his Shotgun and fire off a few rounds. He misses and she pops down, slapping him to the side, causing the gun to slide to Jeep. Dutton shouts for him to “Shoot the crazy b****!”

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“You will never save her.” Sweet Old Possessed Lady spouts before sliding at the frozen Jeep. Jeep closes his eyes, clinching the shotgun. Not firing. She roars…and three shots are heard, putting her down.

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Lost Driver has a glock and put it to good use.

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Anyway, Panic Mom rushes over to her husband, who is bleeding to death. Lost Driver dives in to help. He’s a rather useful character. Rebellous Teen is crying in a corner when blood drips on her.

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Everyone rushes for a van outside, yes transporting the ever bleeding Meh Dad. “How far to the hospital?” “Seventy, eighty miles.” Frick. They realize they’re driving into dark clouds. “What is that?!” shouts rebellious teen “Clouds don’t buzz!”

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The van then gets overran with bees. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!

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Meanwhile, Jeep is throwing his guts up while Quaid tries to figure out what just happened. He wonders what Lost Driver does to have the gun he has. Jeep laments the fact that he was too afraid to fire. Quaid reassures him. “Not everybody can be the hero…especially when it comes to pulling the trigger.” FORESHADOWING

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The van is back and everyone is panicing. “I need to find my bible” states Dutton because “Somebody needs to start praying.” Quaid then looks up and sees the “buzzing clouds.”

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Inside, they inspect the old lady and we see her demon sharp teeth. They banter while removing her from the establishment. Another car is coming. LAPD. Gee, I wonder who that could be. Everyone but the Family is out to see who the new arrival is.

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Out steps Michael. Charlie and he lock eyes for a moment until Quaid cocks the shotgun. “Is that how you greet all your customers?” Quaid wants to see his teeth. Michael shows them. “No shark teeth, pop” states Jeep. Michael introduces himself. Quaid apologies but is still skeptical considering Michael’s non-cop attire.

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Michael realizes they don’t know what’s going on and says “I don’t have much time.” But Quaid is still worrying and won’t lower his gun so Michael calmly does a Steven Seagal like gun swap (minus shooting the intial holder). Lost Driver pulls his gun on Michael. Tension as Michael puts the shotgun to Quaid’s head.

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“Just tell him you’re sorry!” shouts Jeep. Dutton tries to talk Michael down. Michael looks back and calmly says “They’re here.” “Who’s here?” “More like her.”

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Michael pops open the trunk and starts throwing weapons to people. Quaid protests, but Jeep insists he can handle it. Michael says he’ll have to. Charlie is given a gun and instructed “Don’t do anything brave.”

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The Cryptic Angel meets remaining ladies of the family and tells them to get back inside. Everyone rushes in and start barricading. I wonder how long until the gas station gets blown up.

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Lights go out. Flashlights get passed out. Lost Driver wants to know what’s next. Michael is still being cryptic. Driver, Quaid, Dutton, and Michael go to the roof where Dutton hears a coming noise. It sounds like…an ice cream truck.. That’s because it is. That’s a loud system since that truck is miles away.

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Michael gives a lesson in the safety switch on guns, telling them they won’t need it. They make a joke about the fact that Dutton is missing a hand. Ha. Ha. Haaaaaa.

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[At this point, my computer freezes and has to be reboot. I stop the movie and end up working on other things once getting it restarted]

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DAY 9-10:

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[Shut up. I was busy.]

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DAY 11:

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The Ice Cream Man arrives. Meh Dad is still alive and again points out the music is that of the ICM. Our evil dairy provider steps out of his vehicle and starts sniffing around. Lost Driver comments that “He don’t look that bad.” Tipping ICM to their location and causing him to scream while stretching his jaw to an unnatural length. Hooray CGI.

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Arms start to stretch as he takes on a spider look and charges. Michael guns him down. We have silence. “That it?” asks…someone.

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Nope. More cars are coming. All shown drivers doing that stupid CGI head shaking. Michael decides to move this along and fires on the cars. The others join. A couple cars crash together so we can have en explosion.

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Michael looks and sees that there are cars coming from the other side of the road, so he busts out a bazooka and takes out a few before opening fire again. Finally, some cars stop and their drivers start walking.

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Little girl with white ballon.Creepy? Sure. Why not? Michael breaks up the staring by gunning down some of them. Driver is shocked, “They’re just regular people!” but reassured, “Not anymore!” That answer is apparently suitable as the guys start firing again.

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Down in the restaurant, someone crashes in through the window. Jeep rushes to Charlie. Panic Mom panics. Especially when Meh Dad gets drug away. They try and help, but fail. Someone grabs for Charlie, but Michael appears, guns blazing. He then tells Charlie to stop being brave.

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With a pause in the attack, Quaid demands an explanation. So Michael starts the exposition. “This is an extermination.” He claims that the people are possessed, but not by demons, but instead angels. Sent by god to irradiate mankind. Much like plenty of viewers, Dutton calls bullcrap on this. Lost Driver does the same.

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Jeep asks how Michael knows such things causing him to reveal that he’s an angel. Quaid is skeptic and does his best with forced “I don’t even believe in god” dialogue. Michael assures him that God doesn’t believe in him. Cliché Comeback accepted.

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Forced back and forth between Dutton and Quaid. They do their best with it. Michael reveals that he is there to protect Charlie because her child is the only hope humanity has. Great. God should’ve sent a Terminator.

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“Either your child lives or mankind dies.”

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They have to hold off the angels until Charlie gives birth…but she has a month to go. Dun DUN…meh.

.

[With this “twist” I shake my head and break so that I can finish with added pictures and put up Sorority Row.]

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DAY 12:

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[This is taking much too long. I need to finish this freaking thing,]

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Michael let’s them know that the first attack was against their strength, the next will be against their weakness. How…cliché. Anyway, something “much worse” is on the way, so we cut to lightning. Our crew back on the roof.

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Dutton asks about Lost Driver’s gun. “I use it for protection…from people.” Dutton keeps forcing the issue. Driver finally admits “I never actually used it. Flashed it to scare folks, but I never used it…not until today.” With such a speech to make him even more likable…I worry about his immediate survival.

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Dutton also dialogues, talking about his father. “If you don’t wake up tomorrow. If it turns out that today is your last day on earth. Would you be proud of what you’ve done in this life? Cause, if you ain’t…you better start getting square.” It’s a cliché speech. This movie is slowly drowning itself.

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Inside, Quaid is smoking and drinking. Opens a beer and gives it to Panic Mom “on the house.” He has a conversation with her that reveals that the gas is still on. FORESHADOWING!!!

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Panic Mom dialogues. For goodness sakes movie. If I didn’t care then, I won’t care now.

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Jeep starts talking to Michael, asking questions of what he did. “I was a soldier. A general in his army.” Jeep wants to know why he left. Michael says he was given an order he “didn’t believe in.” and then states that God lost faith. Somewhere, a fundamentalist cries.

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Continuing on our wonderful “Get to like these people, darn it,” dialogue, Jeep asks how Michael can still believe since everything the non-angel believes in never works out for him.

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Paul Bettany (Playing Michael) then gets his big scene. The summary: He watched humanity fall apart over petty things like race and creed, yet among all the problems, he sees someone like Jeep, willing to love a woman and a child that isn’t his own even though “all hope is lost.” “Being lost is close to being found.” “You love her even though she may never love you like you do her…you, Jeep, are the reason I have faith.” It’s a nice enough scene even if I do feel a hammer bashing me against the skull.

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Quaid sits on the rough smoking and drinking. Animalistic sounds. Michael stares out and we see…a winged angel. It’s a flashback. Another big acting scene showing his rebellion. “They are just lost. It is our place to guide them…” He is arguing with Gabriel. Sadly, not played by Christopher Walken.

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It’s basically rehashing what we know, but with more CGI and to introduce Gabriel so we know who he is when he shows up soon.

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On the roof…Quaid has passed out. Panic Mom wake up downstairs. Mom starts wandering around because she hears Meh Dad. She walks around and we see a door to the outside. It’s barricaded so she climbs up on a desk and looks out a window to see…

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Meh Dad hung on an upside down cross? What the frick, movie? How does that make any sense?! Never mind. It’s “creepy” apparently. Anyway, he calls out for her. We get close ups of things bubbling on him. She then starts moving the barricade so she can go outside. This gives her the power to elbow Lost Driver when he tries to stop her.

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She runs outside, Dutton close behind her. Dutton grabs her and turns her away just as Meh Dad EXPLODES. His juices hitting Dutton’s back. Panic Mom is drug back inside and then Dutton collapses. His back bones showing since Meh Dad had acid blood just like Alien.

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Quaid is mad at himself since he fell asleep and let Dutton down. Heroic sacrifice coming? Only if the movie is overly predictable…uh…let’s move on.

Rebel Daughter gives her mom a pill. Panic Mom starts blaming her for “everything.” Gee, I wonder who the weakness of the group is…

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They try some radio stations and finally get some voices. Militias have formed to battle the possessed. We’re entering zombie territory now. Michael says they can’t leave and find a militia because of the baby. Charlie runs off to have a smoke then goes to the kitchen where Jeep finds her.

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Charlie talks about how she went to get an abortion, but had a feeling that made her unable to go through with it. Don’t know who gave her that feeling if God has given up on humanity. She must have some super awesome instincts.

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Jeep talks nice to her and she gets mad they he has so much faith in her. He finally lets off some steam on her, “You aren’t the only one around here who’s had a rough time. Let me know when you stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

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Meanwhile, Rebel Daughter is now on the roof with Lost Driver. Apparently, she dated a Marine, so she knows how to use a gun. Convenient. She then gets to do her monologue so you can feel sorry for her. This allows Lost Driver to “develop” more character. He’s so screwed.

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Power comes back on. A car is charging down the road. Lost Driver tells Rebel Girl to go downstairs but she won’t go. He gives her his gun. The car stops and…a father tells his son to stay put while he puts gas in the car.

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Lost Driver stares. Rebel Girl hears more cars and points them out to him. “It’s a trap!” shouts Driver. Apparently, the angels saw the man and son coming so they turned the lights on. The Dad is apparently deaf since Driver shouts warnings but gets no answer. Dad keeps giving his son the “don’t worry” hand motion. You know it, even if that description doesn’t bring it to mind.

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Driver opens fire, but it isn’t enough and the Dad gets ran down due to stupidity. It’s set up in a way that I wouldn’t be shocked if they do the double swerve by having someone rescue the kid only to find out that he’s possessed. Just saying. And yes, I paused so I could ramble this.

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[But I kept going because this thing ends tonight, Daggone it.]

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Possessed Shark Tooth People get out of cars and drag the kid out. Driver hops down off the roof and charges ahead like a genius. He guns some down. Inside, Michael pulls a gun and makes sure Quaid doesn’t take down the barricade.

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Kid isn’t showing his face since Driver got to him and…shocking. Kid bites Driver in the neck. I’m so awesome…or it was that freaking obvious. I’d like to think that it’s both.

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Rebel Girl hops down and starts firing. When she gets to the kid, the gun runs out of bullets and a manly voice from the short fry states “You’re gonna die now.” She runs to van.

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Charlie tells Michael if he doesn’t do something, she will, forcing his hand. He grabs a couple guns and tells Jeep to open the door. With that, Michael goes to work.Action Hero kicks and punches. Precise gunshots. He then grabs a gas pump, starts it up and shoot the gas causing a flamethrower effect.

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Sure. Why not.

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He grabs Rebel out of the van and they rush back to the restaurant, making it just as an EXPLOSION occurs. Yeah, think I called that earlier.

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[Much earlier]

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Charlie rushes to get some water for them, but the kid is there with a knife. “Don’t worry, I just want to play with the baby.” Yay, evil angel quip. Heh? He cuts at her stomach and she grabs a pan to act as a shield. Angel Kid cuts his hand then she kicks him away and the lights go out again.

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Kid jumps Quaid, but Michael makes the save. Why would he go after Quaid when Charlie is the main target? Movie needs a life preserver. Stat.

.

Charlie goes into labor. Michael starts instructing Rebel Girl how to help. An odd, horn like sound is heard. This obviously freaks out Michael because “he’s coming.” I guess it’s the G-man, but not the big G, but the conveniently introduced Gabriel from earlier.

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Quaid looks out and a lightning flash reveals a…well…legion. “How many bullets you got left?” I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a joke or not.

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Anyway…Charlie delivers. Yay! Merry Christmas everyone! Rebel Girl shows the baby to Charlie and Michael and then takes it (Sex not given at the moment) to her mom. Panic Mom doesn’t seem panicked. Weak Link Going Crazy? Cliché Accepted.

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Michael tells Charlie she has to show the kid how to lead. She questions this and asks why Michael doesn’t take him. He replies, “Because Johnny is yours.” Johnny? Is Charlie’s last name Conner perchance?

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The baby cries which bothers the giant army outside. The remaining group gathers and Michael instructs them to grab any weapon. Jeep realizes that Michael was sent to kill the baby, which freaks out Charlie, but Michael tells her that the future has been unwritten with the birth of the baby.

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Crazy Panic Mom grabs the baby and says she’s going to give it to the army outside since that’s what they want. “You didn’t even want him.” She states. Rebel Girl refuses to go with her mom. A white light is charging at the back door.

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It hits and bursts the door off the hinges. So Michael caps Panic Mom in the skull and Jeep heroes up and catches the falling baby. One more bullet sends Panic Mom into the white light…

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Enter Gabriel who instantly takes a swing at Jeep and the kid. Quaid steps up to defend his kid, firing at the archangel. Gabe spins around, deflecting the bullets better than Wonder Woman ever could and then slices Quaid in the stomach before swatting him across the room. No confirmed death shot, which would be done with cheesy music, so he’s probably still alive.

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Jeep gets held back by Michael. “Get the child out of here!” Before instructing him to find the prophets and learn to read…something. Anyway, Jeep leads the girls outside where the Legion is standing stoically watching, but not moving. How very Hitchcock’s The Birds.

.

Inside, Gabe and Michael staredown. Dialogue a comin. Gabe points out the wingless Michael’s…uh…lack of wings. “You were so eager to please him.” “Unlike you, the rebellious son.”

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As the group gets closer to the car, the Legion parts and we see a small angel with a bag over his (her?) head. It smacks the hood with a stick. They move past and get in to leave.

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“You think you can defy him and not pay the price?” Michael doesn’t care because the child lives. Gabe calls him a fool and tells him they won’t escape. Michael refuses to run.

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They share a brief moment of tenderness and then go to battle. It’s action-y. Okay stuff. Michael fires off his gun while Gabe swings a mace. Stuff gets broke. Stuff gets shot. The gun gets knocked away. Michael uses the TV from earlier as a weapon. Gabe gets karate thrown but power punches back into control. Gabe gets another gun, but gets sliced like Quaid did. However, unlike Quaid, he avoids the Angelic Pimpslap and hops on Gabe’s back. Gabe grabs his mace and triggers something that causes a blade to go through him and into Michael as well.

.

Michael falls. Gabe stands tall. Gabe mumbles something about “dying like one of them.” And then Michael dematerializes. What?

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Anyway, Jeep’s arm starts showing the tattoo’d language that was on Michael.

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Back at the restaurant: Gabriel stands and hears a sound. A flicking noise. He walks over and we see Quaid flicking his lighter. Gee, how nice of them to mention the gas was still on earlier. “Sorry…we’re out of business.” Giant explosion that catches Gabriel and the legion. Heroic Sacrifice…complete. Cliché Accepted. Movie is officially over it’s head and holding it’s breath.

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Jeep is still driving and they reach somewhere new. He instructs them to find any weapon that may still be in the car. Rebel Girl finds a flare gun just in time for Gabriel to CRASH ONTO THE ROOF where he starts bashing about trying to get to Charlie’s baby. Jeep shoots him, but it’s only a wound.

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Gabriel gets a flare gun round to the face. He’s fine though. Gabe sucks at close combat in a car and falls for the old “Not wearing a seatbelt” trick. The car stops suddenly, propelling the angel out. Only problem is that this plan causes the car to flip a couple times.

.

But they make it. Yay false tension. Baby cries. They randomly discard Rebel Girl as gone and Jeep starts dragging…er…helping Charlie up a mountain. Gabe flies up and smacks Jeep.

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He walks menacingly towards Charlie demanding the baby, but Jeep charges at him, knocking them both off a cliff. Jeep lands on Gabe who pops up with ease. The wounded protector is asked why he keeps trying. Jeep mans up and throws a big manly “F-Bomb” at Gabe who goes for the death shot…

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BUT there is Michael descending from the heaven. Surprise! Deus ex Angelina. Gabe doesn’t believe it and Michael states “You gave him what he asked. I gave him what he needed.” Mikey then slices Gabe’s chest with a sword. They start speaking in a different language. I assume “Angelic.” Either that or I’ve accidentally hit the “Audio Change” button. Michael spares Gabe and they both fly off.

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Jeep climbs back up the mountain to find Charlie and the baby there. They stare out at the sight in front of them. A brand new, death cloudless day.

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We cut to them driving. Tattoo’d Jeep looks at the kid while Charlie smiles. We then get Charlie’s Sarah Connor speech, which is the same speech from the beginning of the movie. Cause that’s how you want to bookmark this thing.

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And it’s over. It’s…all…over.

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[Hooray!!]

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SCORE: 2 out of 5

An interesting concept ruined by lazy and nonsensical execution in the 2^nd and 3^rd act. The foreshadowing is just bashed into the viewers face until things are just plain predictable (Again, I edit, but don’t add to the writing [the daily recap is the only thing added later]. All that is written was written while watching the movie) Dennis Quaid has an interesting role that eventually slips into cliché…just like the rest of the movie. Paul Bettany does a decent job at Michael as the character dips from action star to melodramatic to action again...which feels like the point, but just left me blah.

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In all, I just didn’t like this thing. Why would being possessed by an angel cause someone to take a DEMONIC appearance? Nice job having the baby be born on December 25^th. That’s rather…original. Sigh. I don’t really want to rant, so I’ll let for my movie thoughts stand for themselves.

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Constructive Criticism:

It shows signs on knowing what it’s doing and those involved in the making could very easily find their stride in the future. They’ve already shown they know how to get good affordable talent with the inclusion of Quaid, Bettany, and Dutton.

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Oh, and I’m not sure, but I suppose that Lost Driver (See, he’s lost and…I got nothing) and his comments about flashing his gun could be a slight symbolic speech about the movie on its own sense, you know, God could theoretically…just rain down fire until everything was dead and ash. So having the angels come down and raise some fury could just be him doing the equivalent of “flashing his gun” when it comes to power.

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I still didn’t like it though.