Well, hello opening car crash. Stretch is drunk and has some cocaine. Okay. Pretty girl who hit him flirts a little. He falls over, but we cut to them having sex anyway. One year later. No drinking no drugging yes banging. He plans to marry her...but she breaks up with him post coitus.
One year later. She's dating a football star. A Cleveland Brown QB. He laments his existence. "I came to LA to be an actor." Joke about name changing. He drives limos. Hates the hours, clients, and life in general. He's also overdrawn. "Better man would've blown their heads off by now." Karl with a K is Ed Helms desperately hoping The Hangover 4 happens.
He's voiceover described. Weird jokes about him helping cover up murders. He compliments a couple for looking happy and shoots himself in the head. "He cames to LA to be an actor."
Title card and credits 6 minutes into movie.
He may get fired. He doesn't believe in fate but talks about things being meant to happen. He owes gamblers at least 6,000 dollars. His boss talks about client stealers and wants his drivers to work harder. Do or die. Anyway, he thinks things are looking up but then his bookie shows up. "Carlos sold the farm...I need what you owe by midnight." This is not good news.
Dear goodness, his first fare is David Hasslehoff. "You don't have any respect for the Hoff. You think I never held a knife?" Well, this is terrifying. Vietnam stories.
Evil Limo Driver. The Jovi. This guy looks ridiculous. White hair that scares our...hero. Anyway he loses the fare to The Jovi (who brought two ladies for The Hoff).
Attractive Camo Secretary says they're going to try and steal The Jovi's next client.
Oh hi, the ghost of Karl with a K. "A mustache that he said he grew in hell." He berates Stretch with a multitude of profanities and insults. Ton of voiceover in this thing.
"I'm pretty sure Karma owes me one," Walks into a Mexican Standoff. It goes down. He walks away and gets a client call. Dear goodness. Ray Liotta. I'm fine with this.
El Lobo?! His date site? I don't know. He comes Ray Liotta and he's shouting at people. "Why are you so angry all the time" asks the angry man.
Ray Liotta doesn't know who David Hasslehoff is. That's a glorious moment that I figure Hoff knew nothing about.
Cut to delivering. Ray Liotta is angrily yelling on his phone. Cuts himself off from shouting a religious profanity. "Would you take this back to Sony?" gives Stretch a fake gun and badge. Gives a tip. $200. Long way to 6k. Sarcastic back and forth with romance site.
Thinks on his lost love. Ed Helms appears to ridicule him from the subconcious.
Roger Karos? Fake character. The plot is starting. THE PLOT IS STARTING. "This guy is supposed to be pretty nuts." He gave coordinates. Thinks Karl with a K isn't dead. Gets to the location...
AND THE DAGGONE DUDE PARACHUTES ON TOP OF HIM...and gets dragged. He's mostly naked. Long haired. Sniffs Stretch. "You're not Karl."We go over a list of items rich dude wanted. "What'd he die of, Karl?" "He took his own life." Laughter. First stop Enzo.
Problem. The Jovi's angry brother. A monster. "He had murdered men...with his hands." Stretch runs a stop light.
Creepy rich guy has creepy book. Does some creepy blow. "Cocaine is my first [love]." He also loves whiskey and sadomaschism...I know I misspelled that. And he punches himself. "THAT METALLIC TASTE IS TREMENDOUS!"
Stretch shares his gambling debt story. "I have a gambling addiction." "That just means you lost more than you won." Red lighting is taking over this stuff.
"Are you a firestarter?" "Yeah, sure." "Say it in stride."
"I am a fire starter." Long crazy hair and red lights. Yeah, sure. You're the devil. Crazy dude starts a fire. "NOW WE'RE ON FIRE!" Stretch stops the limo and the fire. "Do my bidding tonight and maybe...I'd dig down deep and make that $6,ooo worth of headache disappear."
The Devil just asked you to do his bidding, man. But, here we go.
New suit. Rich dude gets pampered by girls. "Ever heard of the Midnight Shadow." It's a home of...crazy stuff. Drugged out lepards. Orgies.
"I think fate brought us together." "To me, life is nothing but timing." "I'm going to steal that one."
Why am I just writing down lines? "That very soft...is that alpaca?"
Camo Secretary warns that rich guy is crazy and bail, but, you konw. Money. Oh hi, black mask wearing prostitutes. Gives a full envelope to Stretch with a direction. Meanwhile, date cancels.
Loud sex noises...well, maybe. Horrible horrible noises. I heard gurgling.
Midnight Shadow. Exceptionally weird. Guard licks the money in the envelope. No names. He opens the door and the former black masked girls are now in suits. HOLY CRAP, CRAZY BILLIONAIRE IS A SAMURAI NOW?! "I didn't see you get out." "Neither did I." So, Rich guy sends him after more cocaine because "These girls are aardvarks." Somehow like a video game, he is given a time stamp to go get a briefcase.
How did that dude get a disco ball in the limo?
He gets a call from the boss. Fires him because he didn't return the prop gun and badge. He gets the gun and badge and goes to find the briefcase. "Yeah, it's not Karos."
Karl with a K is back. He stands up to his imagination.
La rant doesn't want to give it to him since it's not Karos. It was supposed to be an exchange. Ledgers for briefcase. Situation is getting bleek. Fake badge, go. "I'll get you your ledgers." Hard sell on the cop thing. A briefcase...and he loses it at the end. Saves it well enough to get to the elevator.
Oh for goodness sake. It was a setup for Karos. Meanwhile, Karl with a K and Stretch celebrate in elevator. So, the elevator stops a floor short...and sees his ex. He starts to follow while yelling at himself for doing so. "Seriously. What are you doing?"
Tries to play cool. Meanwhile they bug his limo which has bullet holes and is now reported as stolen.
So, yeah. Double meanwhile, she follows him onto the elevator. He gets his closure of making her feel bad about the break-up. She hangs on...he pays a dude $40 to drive him out to look cooler. That dude makes it awkward. ...and the limo loses power. Dude bails. They argue. They push the limo.
Psycho brother from earlier appears in tow truck. Oh hey, and The Jovi is here, too. Psycho puts a cigarette out in his hand. "Wow. He's big." Yep.
Karl with a K watches in glee as Stretch punches himself in the face. "Hey, that works."
He calls Nav star. Plays a cop and Shoots off the blanks in the gun to convince them to start the car.
They do. He goes.
Cut to Bookie so we can randomly have naked breasts as he gets a lapdance and threatens death.
Comedy scene happens which leads to him picking up a dude with three ladies. Yes. They fit Karos description. Camo Secretary. "You are going to jail." He gets out to take off the license plate...Comedy Character steals the car. He goes to use the badge to commandeer a car. It goes poorly. Gets chased.
"What's the plan, Stretch? Successfully outrunning black men over a flat surface?!"
He gets hit by a car. it's an old woman. She sees the black men and freak out. He ducks in a restaurant and gets away...they caught the comedy character. Angry Psycho Brother is towing the limo. Stretch makes his move...it's flawed. Karl with a K mocks him. They tore the limo up. Angry Brother eventually notices that he's in the limo. Starts swerving to screw with him. "HERE WE GO AGAIN!"
This, however, breaks his line. It hits some of those water mah jig things. Limo is a go...eventually. Around the time Angry Brother jumps on hood. "We have rape party, huh?"
This nonsense is nonsensical.
Apparently they took the bug off when they got the limo? They now go all out. Helicopters, the works.
I dont even know how to describe what I just saw.
Nope.
Anyway, Crazy is back. He has his briefcase. Gets his blow. All is...good?
We get serious for a moment. Crazy is skipping out, selling out old business partners, hopping a jet. Stretch is something. I don't know. Sets up the bookie to go to the same place that Crazy is going to exchange cash for jet.
At Ivar, Rich dude is better non-samurai dressed. Bookie is there, too. Oh hi, Jovi. Jobi's brother. "You are my victim, huh?" Rich dude walks off. Bookie shows up with gun on angry brother.
"All that is left is the tip. The gratuity?" A rolled up $100. "You were late getting back to me. And to quote you, life is nothing but timing." He mocks him. Calls him a beta male. Karl with a K shows up. Mocks.
"Take comfort in this, you got beat by the best."
"I am a fire starter, Stretch...and you are not."
Cue helicopters and cops. Cops. Feds. Crazy goes for a fun., Stretch sees it. "Own the space. Own it."
"He couldnt' have been more wrong. I am a fire starter...and now we're on fire." Sets limo on fire, punches rich dude in the face, flings the money in the air like he just don't care. People scurry to it like Assassin's Creed...aww, Angry Brother got one. The Jovi appears bummed.
LIMO BOOM. Run, Stretch Run. Karl with a K is pleased. He runs into a cut scene for the next morning. The perpetual pink car he's seen goes by. Goes to the meeting place the text suggested earlier.
FBI found him. He explains his situation. "it sort of snowballed on me." They don't arrest him. I'm skimming over dialogue, finally. "You should do it professionally...I totally believed everything you were doing."
He texts a bit. PinkMinx. He's at the restaurant. I didn't realize he hadn't actually planned it. He turns, sees her hair. Cleans off his nose and goes to talk to her. Straightens his tie for his blood stained shirt.
Sits down.
it's Camo Girl. Jessica Biel. Irony. They kiss. And kiss. And credits. Yes indeed.
~~~~~~~~~~
Really enjoyable, quirky, dark-ish comedy. If you were interested by the horrible mess of notes I shared, please give it a look.
5 out of 5.
