The Ferryman

Mind to mouth: THE FERRYMAN

My first review. I’m sure it’s not going to be the finest form of all writing, but thank you for taking the moment you have to read this.

First, a game I like to play called “Which Poster Does Its Job the Best?"

1.

Cliché setup with a collection of “scary” film stills

2.

Cheesy boat reference with a sail nosed skull?

3.

Poster makes the movie seem like a different story.

Your Winner: POSTER NUMBER 2. It has a boat pun for goodness sake.

There is no prize.

Anyway--Here…we…go:

Cue studio credits…and the movie starts in traditional “scary cliché mode” by having a dark screen with a child whispering in an attempt of creepiness.

Suddenly, we jump to John Rhys-Davies fighting for his life during a storm with a guy who has a Smiley Face watch. The two trade overdubbed punches. They argue about turning back in the storm because they could die, all while attempting to kill each other. Odd conversation considering the situation...

After dispatching of his opponent via harpoon (Yes. Harpoon.), Rhys-Davies asks for forgiveness and gets a knife to the throat instead from the near-dead crew member. Perhaps realizing he has once again selected a script based on payday rather than content, Davies lets out a roar, pulls out the knife, and starts shouting profanities. He proceeds to chop up the now-dead man while shouting that he'll "Never pay you!" A warning that I should turn off the film because there is no refund? Perhaps.

John Rhys-Davies discusses this film with his agent.

Cut to random selection of people in New Zealand. As far as characters, you've seen them all before. One couple can speak a foreign language and the man uses it to make fun of the token dumb blonde. Yay, character development...ish. They meet up with a captain and his...wife(?) who are taking them on a boat ride to Fiji.

Cue music scene. Including the lines "What is this?" "This IS MUSIC!!" Then they sing...and a dog that I hadn't seen before barks. They dance. And the boat...floats...around..."WHAT DO YOU SAY ABOUT A LITTLE DRINKING?!"

Cue drinking scene. "What are we celebrating?" Nervous guy who looks like Robert Patrick won't say what the trip is for. Yay, secrets and awkward drinking as an attempt at acting.

Secrets and Awkward Drinking soon follows.

Cue fishing scene! They're fishing for dinner! The earlier nervous guy (Robert Patrick’s Clone) gets cut by the line. His friend takes over his pole and reels in a shark, bludgeons it with a cricket bat, and watches as The Captain shoots it in the head. They share a laugh. Character...development?

Cue plot development! They cut the shark's intestines out and find a hand, up to the wrist. The hand wears a Smiley Face watch and the movie is nice enough to flash to Rhys-Davies cutting up the earlier crew member so that we don't get confused. Phew...to think, I almost thought it was some other guy who was chopped to death while wearing a Smiley Face watch.

It’s Happy O’Clock? It’s ALWAYS Happy O’Clock!

Cue talking scene. Nothing of real importance (One of the girls is a nurse) with attempts at making me care about those involved. I...kind of don't. Sorry.

CUT TO CREEPY FACED KID IN A HOSPITAL SAYING "He's coming." This dream is for Nurse Girl. She then wakes up and rolls over to SEE CREEPY FACED GIRL IN BED. Yay, double dream. No one does that anymore...except for...those who do.

Cue "Storm is Coming" scene followed by Dumb Blonde sunbathing while captain and Nurse Girl's Guy (Zane, I think, maybe Shane) talk about whether they'd bang the girl. The answer is a bashful "Yes" in case you're curious. Captain's Wife (CW) reveals that a distress signal is coming in Morse code. Dumb Blonde wants to ignore the call for help. CW then endears herself to me, making her my prestigious "Character I Want To Survive" of the movie. Hint: I'm bad at picking survivors.

Cue a paragraph with no “Cue” set-up. As they near the storm where the call for help came from...creepy stuff happens. Maggots in the food. Crazy fog. Bad attempts at music playing over the scene. They find the boat but can't go over to it due to reef. Instead they send the two guys who aren't the captain. Heh? It's abandoned and smelly. Scene...development?

Zane/Shane/McCain plays a joke on Robert Patrick-Lite and earns the reply "You've got yours coming." Then a dead bird springs to life in RPL's hand. They decide they'd like to leave. However, before they do, they see a pool of...something. Hint. Red. They find John Rhys-Davies begging "Help me. Help me." He has fully realized what kind of movie he has signed on for. Poor guy. He begs for help some more then smiles...oddly.

Cut the Rhys-Davies (Who will be shortened to Davies for the most part now…) on the new boat getting clothes from...someone. I don't know. He doesn't appear to be any of their sizes but has nice fitting clothes. Davies begins to tell his sad, frightened story about his boat going into a storm and him losing all of his crew while flashes of him cutting the one guy up is shown...you know...in case you forgot about it.

And then my agent said, “It looks like a real good film. Much better than Sabretooth.”

Soon they're playing cards and Davies is winning, showing off an A-K of Spades. Yes. I wrote down the cards. Davies suggests that the Nurse Girl marry Zane/Shane/Babaloo Jr.

Dumb Blonde gets frustrated and announces she's going to bed. Her Non-Robert Patrick husband puts money on the table which includes an odd looking coin that causes Davies to spit up blood while flashing scenes of a boat. Evil possessed money? Anyway, he recovers and tells Nurse Girl that she reminds him of his lost love. Followed by, "I chose the wrong body." Of work? Maybe.

Dumb Blonde complains to her husband, who, you might not know this, looks a little like Robert Patrick, before leaving the room. This is...filler. Nurse Girl's Guy is busy smoking something on-deck and gets to see an oncoming boat. Davies looks out the window and goes "Not yet" so we stop seeing the boat. Daggone. He has to direct from inside the movie.

Dumb Blonde shows up to talk to Zane/Shane/Reggie. She seduces him out of spite for her husband while an off-screen presence watches. Remembering he is Nurse Girl's Guy, he turns her down out and gets stabbed in the guts by Davies as a reward. There is your lesson for the movie, folks.

Zane makes the mistake of admitting he sent the script to Rhy-Davies’s agent.

Turns out Nurse Girl was the one watching from the shadows and she rushes out to try and help Zane/Shane/Rowsdower. Davies laughs in a crazy manner, perhaps reading further ahead into the script and wondering why he didn't do this sooner. "Screw you" he shouts at the Captain and gets punched in the face. Near Dead Zane/Shane/John McClane shakes and shakes and begins throwing up blood. Davies does the same before getting Military Pressed by the Captain and chucked into the water.

Seriously.

Nearly Dead Nurse Girl's Guy pulls the knife out and they can't find a wound. Dumb Blonde tries to act shocked and confused. It's cute.

Not-so-Dead Nurse Girl's Guy gets up, rather confused and actually managing to get that across. He says everything will be okay while shots of him looking bloody and getting punched flash up. Meanwhile, Davies floats in water and thinks about being in Lord of the Rings before swimming towards the mysterious boat that he apparently is ready for.

Captain and Wife argue briefly and by briefly, I mean needlessly. Nurse Girl consoles her once-injured beau while he acts over-the-top creepy. Robert Patrick-Lite tries to console his Dumb Blonde but she ignores him leaving the man to most likely think about how awesome it would've been to be the T-1000. Davies reaches the boat. It’s actually the one on the ‘reef.’ My bad.

HELLOOOOOOOO NURSE! I do not apologize for that joke.

Over the top creepy must be a turn on as Nurse Girl goes to give some “special” care to her once injured love. As their love music plays, Davies gets out of his wet clothes. Yes. It is awkward. He freaks out upon seeing himself in the mirror...because he is Zane/Shane/That Guy. This is revealed by a flash of Zane/Shane/Ricardo appearing in the mirror. Apparently, the stabbing caused a body switch. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!

The love making gets too darn rough. Newly Possessed Zane/Shane/Harold has an “8” tattoo on his back and his scar is gone Nurse Girl kicks off her supposed lover and the other character upon hearing screaming from the bedroom rush in to help because there obviously is something wrong. I do suppose that says something about Nurse Girl’s private life. Anyway, the possessed man breaks up with her in front of everyone. Sad moment for all and they assume everything was a lover’s quarrel.

CW agrees to watch over Nurse Girl. CW manages to ignore any “He’s not acting right” comments by getting the former nurse to give up some character development. Creepy Girl from earlier died due to a bad decision by Nurse Girl. Thanks movie, cause with Nurse Girl constantly saying she quit while having these visions, it was so hard to figure out…

Meanwhile, Rhys-Davies is going through books. Yeah. That’s it. Back to the other boat.

Dumb Blonde got Nurse Girl’s clothes and gives her some sleeping pills while Zane/Shane/Pizza Guy has his lighter explode in his hand after seeing the oh-so-mysterious ship. The Captain has some problems due to the fog and plans on not moving til morning, freaking out the possessed man. They have an argument and the Captain claims the only person he takes orders from is his wife. Most scenes are now ending with people standing alone and cursing to show anger.

Cue the mysterious Freaky Friday Plot Device knife as Zane/Shane/Possession Man plans to take over CW’s body in order to get her husband to leave ASAP (Pure assumption based on the fact that CW is the person he’s stalking in the next scene). However, the dog gets in his way…so he breaks its back. Now I am sad.

He uses this to get CW alone, but Robert Patrick Lite doesn’t know how to stay in bed and has found the dog before they get back. CW is thrown out of the way and RPL and Zane/Shane/Mandy have an off-screen battle. By the time the Captain arrives, the possessed man has an eye out and looks like the flash from earlier. So, that was foreshadowing. Amazing.

Robert Patrick Lite now acts mysterious and tries to take the knife from the room, but the Captain takes it from him as CW freaks out about the dog and now wounded Zane/Shane/Not-So-Possessed Man. RPL goes back to his room where Dumb Blonde admits she is barren. Sad moment made better when RPL replies, “Why would I want to marry you?” Smiling like a defective T-1000, he calls her ugly a couple more times and she curses…a lot. Acting. It’s…yeah. Anyway, he has a flash of being injured (Yay Foreshadowing) before slapping her around and making fun of her some more. Wonderful Character Development. And by Development, I mean filler.

On another boat, John Rhys-Davies has managed to get it started. He smiles as he realizes he has a chance to escape the movie. CW freaks out cleaning the blood. Dumb Blonde screams some more. Captain cries over the dog. Nurse Girl sleeps. This all happens in about 30 seconds of screen time.

CUE MUSIC!!! Or something resembling it, of course. Robert Patrick’s Stunt Man is trying to act tough/creepy. Swigs some beer as the Captain cries over the dog. Makes a comment about the dog having a broken back. Captain stops crying and CURSES IN SLOW MOTION. Possessed Robert Patrick Look-A-Like breaks the bottle he’s drinking over the Captain’s head and uses the left over glass to slit his throat. “Howdy Sue! Dave’s hurt!” he shouts as CW appears. He knocks her out. Good news, I finally know the names of the Captain and his wife.

Robert Patrick’s Clone fights to escape The Island

Captain, bleeding profusely goes to stab The Possessed Man with the Freaky Friday knife but gets blocked. Robert Patrick Jr. throws the Captain off the boat after witting comments referencing “control” of the boat. Then he finishes off killing the dog. An underwater whimper is heard. Sadness for all, especially PETA.

Rhys-Davies is full speed ahead trying to escape the movie but a cut scene drags him back into it. He quickly escapes and we’re left back on the other boat, finding CW tied up.

Despite not talking much at all when possessing other people, Robert Patrick-Lite Version refuses to shut up. We get our back story as RPL says that “He” has been chasing him for thousands of years. I assume The Ferryman will eventually reach the movie he’s named after. After telling CW her husband died a coward he threatens to throw the unconscious Zane/Shane/Ezekiel overboard. She agrees to show him how to drive the boat but he throws the man over anyways causing Rhys-Davies to collapse with irritation.

Nurse Girl is still KO’d from the sleeping pills and our Possessed Mr. Lisp from Spy Kids (Yeah. I referenced it. What?) is about to stab her when Dumb Blond bursts in. Seeing him, she gets mad and wants to know why he’d chose the unconscious woman who I assume she assumes he’s about to rape over her. I mean…why get mad over possible rape when your feelings are hurt. He goes to kill Dumb Blonde after telling her that Nurse Girl is special but is interrupted with a bullet in the back by CW. She’s hardcore.

My name is not Janie but I do have a gun! I do apologize for that joke.

Dumb Blonde becomes furious that CW shot her man, showing that apparently all women need is a good slap to fall in line (That’s the movie. Not me! The movie!) She rushes to console her dying lover and gets a knife in the ribs. Again. Another movie lesson. Commence Blood Spitting Body Swap! And Jamie Lee Curtis is nowhere in sight.

After the swap, CW is shocked to see Dumb Blonde spring to life and especially shocked to get shot by her moments later. Boo. Quick flash of what I assume is the Ferryman along with a foreshadow shot of a decrepit hand choking the Now Possessed Dumb Blonde.

Anyway, Possessed Dumb Blonde (PDB to save my poor typing fingers) lets Body-Swapped Robert Patrick Lite pull a ring out of his/her pocket to reveal that his secret from earlier was that he was going to propose. RPL says that she won’t make her/him cry, then cries like a girl…which actually makes sense.

I am not Robert Patrick! I’m not! I’m not! I AM NOT!
I just wish I was.

This is followed by PDB feeling herself up to the shock and disgust of Dumb Blonde Robert Patrick Lite. Daggone if the name changes aren’t confounding me. Sorry everyone…Overall awkward scene that only manages to remind me that I said that Dumb Blonde couldn’t act convincingly earlier…and I can’t find anything to argue with my past self. [Past Shawn: Darn skippy, Jiffy]Anyway, while PDB is faking one thing, CW is faking death and waits until PDB leaves the room to make a move for the gun.

Nurse Girl is still out like a light from the pills and has a dream discussion with the girl she accidentally killed. The girl apparently knows what is going on and tells her how to beat “the bad man.” Of course, the Bad Man who is now Dumb Blonde stands in front of the slowly waking Nurse Girl. However, CW appears with the gun. More profanity followed by PDB tacking CW into an off-screen battle. Sadly, this is the end of “The Character I Want to Survive.” Boo.

Nurse Girl finishes awakening to find out the coin that sleep girl gave her is in her hand. That makes absolutely no sense, but I’m just going to assume I missed something.

Elsewhere, John Rhys-Davies is back to the Body Count Boat, unable to get away from the fog or the plot. He crawls aboard and sees Nurse Girl. Then tells her he’s Zane/Shane/Loverboy and talks in the foreign language from earlier to prove it. She instantly believes him. That’s how awesome John Rhys-Davies is.

“The knife gives you the power to swap bodies” he explains to her since she’s the only one left who hasn’t figured that out. Dumb Blonde appears with the gun and Davies goes into explanation mode again so to stall. “You have to make the boat go,” she begs Rhys-Davies. Then randomly goes and gets gas. She turns around and sees Nurse Girl watching. Stupid girl.

PDB nails Rhys-Davies in the head with the gas can and pours gas on him After Nurse Girl and PDB have an exposition show-down, we find out that the Ferryman is close. Thank goodness. The movie is almost over. Nurse Girl sweet talks the Possessed One about wanting to join her/him. They kiss. The R-Rating smiles.

Rhys-Davies does not approve. And gets set on fire. He stands and stumbles around a bit, half-heartedly screaming before jumping off-screen with the hope of finally escaping the Daggone movie.

Rhy-Davies reacts in shock as he realizes he is almost out of the movie

Nurse Girl kisses Possessed Blonde again, this time slipping her something…the coin. The coin burns itself into the tongue of the Possessed Blonde. The Blonde tries to act scared and afraid. It’s cute.

Blood comes from her mouth and…

The Ferryman finally freaking appears!!

Nice looking guy if you get past the decay.

Ferryman locks on a choke hold and rips out Dumb Blonde’s tongue.

“Payment.”

Voices talk over themselves. The Ferryman talks cryptically about those who The Possession Master killed are waiting for him/her. Off-screen screams as Nurse Girl stands alone on the boat. Fade to black.

Wait. WAIT!

CUE DANCING SCENE!!! Dance baby dance! Par-tay! Whoop! Whoop! Among the festivities, Guy with Bad Moustache Wearing an Earring and Lame Fedora wanders around. He sees Nurse Girl, nicely decked out in non-boat related clothing. She slams back a shot and winks at him. Then head back to someone’s room where she gets naked. The first nudity I remember from the film, actually.

She asks him to take a shower with her and when he whips back the drapes, SUPER-BURNED Rhys-Davies (Daggone it! He can’t escape!) appears with the Freaky Friday knife. So, Zane/Shane/Apparently-Not-That-Moral Guy gets a new “hot” body and Nurse Girl collapses into a corner in pure shock and horror at herself and the situation.

What a wonderful ending.

“I’ll Never pay you!” I hear Rhys-Davies shouting from the beginning of the movie. Darn him and darn me for not listening.

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THE SCORE: 2 out of 5.

One of those points is purely for Rhys-Davies. I bash at the movie’s existence but I’m sure there are some who could enjoy it… for an unintentional laugh and, at least when he finally arrives, The Ferryman looks like an interesting monster.

CONSTURCTIVE CRITICISM: Direction of the film was promising as my untrained eyes could see so while the end result was not favorable for me; it seems as if there could be a future for the director. I mean…John Cameron made Piranhas 2: The Spawning. Right?

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After Note:

Following a Google search, I discovered that the "8" tattoo is a sign of imortality. Nice touch, actually.

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