Mind to mouth REVIEWS:
Behind Enemy lines:
My first Action Movie review…But first…“Which Poster Does Its Job the Best”
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I look like the star, right? Cause, I wish I were.
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There are others, but I couldn't get them to upload and they were just different visions of the 2nd one. On that note...
Winner: Poster #2.
Okay then...It's movie time. Sadly, I have no pictures to put in with the work at this time.
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And here…we…go:
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CUE opening credits and then we move into…
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The beginning of the movie takes time to remind us just how awesome
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The first actual actor we see is some new guy named Ken Anderson, or as he is actually listed in the credits “Mr. Kennedy.” Sadly, they do not fade out the name and bring up another “Kennedy” since this is a serious action movie that wants to have a love affair with
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Anyway, Macklin has been led directly into a “trap” that is a birthday party full of characters I could almost care about if they didn’t come off as a large collection of the drunken frat boys who get killed off in the horror movies I usually watch.
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Just in case you didn’t know that this patriotic movie is really freaking patriotic, Mr. Kennedy proceeds to loudly declare “God bless America!” before the character-developing text appears to save the screenwriter from coming up with actual scenes to make us know what these guys are like. Apparently, Kennedy or as I should say “Master Chief Carter Holt” once “Bench pressed a Civic, when he was 15.” Why a Civic? Haha! As if the screenwriter would have a reason when he could just type it and feel relieved that he has now let the audience know that Master Chief Carter Holt is a totally tough, tough-guy. Who loves
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We get various clips of people partying while more textual healing occurs. Apparently Petty Officer Kevin Derricks can kill a man with a 9 volt battery and pocket lint. I would guess that he’d be doing the MacGuyver like stuff that makes Mythbusters fans want to scream in total frustration. Well, that is until twenty seconds later when his “Happy Birthday” singing device starts shooting off sparks. Haha. Humor. I think.
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Taking a second to establish how great the main character is, Macklin reveals he knew he was walking into the party because he somehow spotted the Civic Benching Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?)’s shadow from the top of the building the man was hiding on. Wha?
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Meanwhile in
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Cue Keith David at a Naval Base. He is the major link that makes this a sequel as he appeared in Behind Enemy Lines 2: Axis of Evil. David or as I should say “Commander Scott Boytano”…wait, wait. Boytano? Yeah…so…David and Other-Guy bounce information off each other about how evil the evil villains are although it feels rather familiar to our voice over beginning. Exposition!
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Our heroes hear about the evil villains and how they have to go stop them tomorrow, in broad daylight without help from Columbian soldiers because some of them are corrupt
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Keith David talks on a plane as suddenly the good guys are in
We see David take control at the uhh…main…watching…place…thing and the heroes drift down a river.
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The Good Guys use technology to find a booby trap and we get some “tense” moments as the main character disarms it. Hint, to make it tense next time, let someone who hasn’t been shown in the trailer as part of the final fight disable the bomb. Keith David approves, an action that causes the satellite to stop working making it so the watching…place…thing can’t see what the heroes are doing. Okay, maybe it wasn’t the approval that did it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the satellite melted from an overdose of patriotism.
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We take a nature hike through the jungle. After walking for a good thirty seconds, we arrive at the evil villains’ evil hideout. Tough guy talk, technology usage, and…cue action scene. “See ya round the punch bowl, boys,” declares Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?).One soldier has to hide under a vehicle as an evil villain takes and evil leak right above him. Shockingly, the evil villains have gotten good guy uniforms. How evil. Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) finds a load of MREs. Burt Gummer is jealous.
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Wait! The guys wearing good guy uniforms are actually good guys! The Columbian Army is trying to negotiate a peace treaty with the evil villains. Suddenly, the evil villains cheer the talks of peace? Wait…What? Oh my! A Columbian Special Forces team appears and slaughter everyone who cheered peace. Somehow making them the totally evil villains of the movie! And their leader is…That guy who lost his family? Wait…how am I supposed to hate him? Just cause…?
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Our Good Guys have to fight their way out, losing a few non-text backstory given, and therefore useless, members. STUFF EXPLODES! Oh god! They ARE funding a
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Main characters flee to the jungle, turning around long enough to engage in gun fights and shoot random totally evil lackeys. Another soldier we’re supposed to care about is shot. Sad music plays. I can’t force myself to care which makes me feel Unamerican and, in essence, unawesome. Totally Evil Guy Who Lost His Freaking Family orders for the “Gringos” to be caught. Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) and Macklin are all that is left. One soldier, I assume Derricks because he has a 9Volt battery keeping his heart beating, is captured. The remaining duo decides to go rescue him. More walking is shown as they track the vehicles of the totally evil villains, but then suddenly decide they should check-in.
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Keith David is worried. We find out that 8 hours has passed. Thanks, screen writers. Reporter in front of a green screen tells us that
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Back to the duo as Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) peaks on some older woman as Macklin sneaks around. I may have missed the point of the scene. They hijack a phone line and call David, collect. Seriously. They call him collect. Oh! They stole a phone to hook up. Sorry. Anyway, while my mind connects the dots, David tells them to get out and worry about saving their friend with back-up later.
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Totally Evil Villains arrive to their hideout and the kidnapped soldier suddenly gets a burst of energy and wipes out two or three of them with his hands tied. Cause he’s awesome. Like
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The Duo arrives at the pickup point just in time to watch as their ride hovers. The chopper is ordered not to pick them up, basically leaving the duo as sitting ducks when totally evil lackeys show up. Of course, they survive and take out a few before somehow finding a working vehicle. An EXPLOSION happens as the car avoids a rocket launcher shot that instead hits a tree with an “ALTO” sign on it. It’s funny, because Alto means “stop.” Right?
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Reporter with different greenscreen back drop lets us know that
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Hostage is given some McDonalds (Really) by TEGWLHFF (Much better). This allows our Totally Evil Villian to explain that anyone who tries to make peace with the evil villains are evil villains to him and therefore it’s okay for him to shoot people who are supposed to be on his side. Wow, quick thought: this guy was able to recruit his soldiers quickly.
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The Duo find out that the President of Columbia has declared them ASSASSINS and that America is now totally evil and trying to make the entire country of Columbia their puppets who completely rely on America’s totally awesome help. I have no joke here. I probably should, but I’m just moving on.
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Powerless Keith David tries to convince someone who I should know because she’s been around the whole time that he needs power. Macklin manages to call David somehow and they discuss the weather, cookies, and the plot. Okay, maybe not the first two.
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TEGWLHFF cries because his family is dead. The tears are totally evil, I’m sure. Meanwhile, in the hostage cell…It must be Derricks! Cause he totally just MacGuyver’d himself out of his hand constraints! He didn’t even need pocket lint.
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The duo has decided to save Derricks. Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) looks through binoculars. I just realized how much this happens. The Civic Bencher must enjoy looking really far into the distance. After a Commando like scene where an old jeep is pushed down a hill and suddenly explodes after hitting the compound, our heroes attack as the soundtrack gets loud. Wait…how long did it take them to find this place? Ten minutes?
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They find Derricks ridiculously fast, especially considering that he has escaped and is running around. Macklin makes a joke about saving Derricks because he owes Kenne-Holt (You know it) money. Ha…ha. Meanwhile, The Civic Bencher finds another car. I don’t know how, maybe his binoculars have special sensors. “What took you guys so long?” asks Derricks. They don’t let him know that they were leaving him behind a mere…who knows how many hours…earlier.
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Someone who survived the slaughtering (Which I thought was no one, but…whatever) is confronted by Macklin who wants him to tell the truth. “American’s are not very popular in
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Powerless Keith David is still powerless and the character he trusts tells him some crazy stuff is happening. The CIA Guy admits that they’re going to frame our heroic soldiers so that
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Our heroes reach the place that holds their video recording devices. I’m having withdraw from lack of explosion. They get another idea when they see water tower. This leads to Macklin swimming…heroically. Have I mentioned
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After disabling the generator with mud, wiping out power for the whole camp, the action sequence begins. Kenne-Holt (*Cough*) looks tough while killing some guy with his bare hands. The action sequence…kind of isn’t. Anyway, they find their videos back just in time to discover they’ve been erased and one of the nameless lackeys they killed managed to set off an alarm for help making him the most productive nameless lackey in the history of nameless lackeys.
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“Boys, we got company. I got the door” declares Kenne-Holt(Holt-edy?) as he runs away, er…goes to fight, sniping some totally evil lackeys. When the other two show up, he then declares that he’ll go get the car, running again. Eventually, the heroes are pinned down and we end up with back and forth shooting until the heroes find send their car on a suicide mission that makes TEGWLHFF think that he has won. Silly foreigner, American’s don’t die that easy.
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They recall Powerless Keith David who gives them hints to help them with their mission before CIA Guy fires him for not handing over the phone. Now Utterly Powerless Keith David is really disapproving…I have no satellite update.
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To save budget, the heroes have a discussion where they end up replaying scenes from earlier in a seeming flashback sequence. Normally TV shows wait a season or two before doing this. After solving their problems with the power of discussion, Macklin calls Survivor Guy to let him know they have proof, even though they don’t have it yet. After a brief walking scene…they find the proof. Drama.
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This is just in time for Totally Evil Villains to show up, first spotted by Civic Presser and his binoculars. They decide that they must kill them all. Thankfully, the villains split up and are picked off one by one. This leads to one of the villains fighting off Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?)’s initial attack declaring “All you Americans think you are Rambo!” After quickly turning around the situation, our hero declares “I prefer John McClane.” Haha, Die Hard. That was an awesome movie…much better than…ah Daggone it. Don’t remind me of good movies!
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Because the movie has realized it doesn’t have much time left, it’s time for our major characters to confront our major villain. Derricks is beaten down by TEGWLHFF, but before our emotionally conflicted monster of a villain can finish him off, Macklin appears and we get a seemingly out of place knife fight. Macklin reads TEGWLHFF the riot act about doing the right thing for his dead wife who he never met. Kenne-Holt (Holt-edy?) appears but has been captured by Survivor Guy who is actually in cahoots with TEGWLHFF and is the Actual Major Totally Super Evil Guy of the movie. Wait…what? WHAT?! HUH?!
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SWERVE!!! WWE Films brought to you by Vince Russo.
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Macklin suddenly shouts that the bombings that took TEGWLHFF’s family was set up by Survivor Guy. TEGWLHFF instantly believes this and Survivor Guy instantly fesses up to it before shooting our conflicted villain. Macklin knives the nameless lackey of Survivor Guy and an injured Derrick busts a non 9volt cap into Survivor Guy, making him the most useful back-up in movie history. TEGWLHFF is now Not So Totally Evil Guy Who Lost His Family, allowing our heroes to go to the epilogue.
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In it, our heroes appear in uniform giving tribute to the non-memorable characters that didn’t make it while Now Super Powerful Keith David delivers a voice over…which the general gist of is: America. It’s awesome. Soldiers rule.
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The Score: 2 out of 5
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An interesting little movie that helps kill an hour and a half. I’m guessing they would have enjoyed throwing in more explosions than they actually have, but it is obvious in some points that the budget was not a far reaching one. Most actors chew their ways through the lines waiting for the shooting to start so they can do their best tough guy look. The formations used and the ways the guns are held is a bit suspect at times as well, but I’ll leave that to someone who was actually in the military at a later time. I considered 3 out of 5.
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However, minus one point because
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Kennedy is…Yeah. He’s an amateur actor in a supporting role. He shouldn’t expect an Oscar anytime soon, but, even for a movie that is obviously not trying for one, he comes off rather wooden in parts.
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CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
The movie knew what it wanted to do and with a bigger budget could’ve probably made more of the action scenes that were presented.
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Studio note: Random, right? I’m just squeezing this in. I’d have to say that this is the weakest of the WWE Films released to date. See No Evil got lucky being in a genre where bad acting is expected and excused as long as there are some good kill scenes (Cell-a-phone!). The Marine fills the explosion quota and beyond while keeping its tongue firmly in cheek. The Condemned is considered the best one and takes its cliché plot and works the best it can with it. Behind Enemy Lines:
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Anyway…Rent if you’re curious about then-Kennedy now-Anderson’s acting, but don’t expect something new or exciting.
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