Outside of that is banners of other characters holding guns in "cool" poses...well, except for Dennis Quaid. His pose looks like he's confused. After seeing the movie, I understand. Therefore, it is the only picture I'll post...
It's okay, Dennis. At least it's not Jaws 3-D.
I should really get to the actual review, huh?
~~~~~
Mind to Mouth:
Legion
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This movie gave me troubles. I just couldn’t get into it and spent numerous days trying to sit down and watch. Most of the time, other things grabbed my attention and it went without viewing. So, here is my many day breakdown of…Legion. Added lines will have [_] around them so you know what was written while viewing.
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DAY 1:
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Here…we…go…
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Screen Gems. BOLD Films.
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Since it’s a nice “religion” based horror film, we get ourselves a bible quote. Psalm 34:11 if you’re curious. Talks about teaching “The fear of the lord.” Combine it with “creepy noise.”
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And, we have a voice over. A woman discussing how she was taught about G-d being kind, merciful, and just. But then her father abandoned the family. Momma apparently changed to talking about how G-d would end the world. When asking why he would do such a thing, we get the reply “I don’t know…I guess he just got tired of all the bull[crap].” That’s right. I do TV Edits in my reviews. Anyway, thanks mom for such bright insight.
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Chanting music and title screen. LEGION!
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CGI Angel crashes to earth. Thanks to a subtitle, it’s in
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He takes his shirt off and we see his wings in the shadows. We see a halo effect as he cuts himself, removing the wings. A round bracelet like object falls to the ground. Blood drains away…or something that resembles it at least.
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Cut to the inside of a building. Some new guy is looking around with a flashlight. It doesn’t matter who he is since the angel falls through the glass window on the roof on top of him.
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Angel rushes into a bathroom and inspects his new cuts. Smears some blood around. Then he’s suddenly running through the place and opens the door to a room…FULL OF GUNS. Ok. He loads up and throws on a suit.
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Cut to a cop car. Two officers driving around complaining about the world. The especially angry one talks about wanting to shoot people and suddenly AN EXPLOSION occurs in front of them. Slam on the brakes and look at the giant burning hole…and there’s the Angel.
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The cops pop out, guns drawn. Tell our (Fallen?) Angel. He doesn’t drop his bags as ordered. “There isn’t much time.” He states. They don’t care. Super Angry Cop is dropping F-bombs and irritating me. Other cop goes to cuff the Angel who “Action Movie” counters him.
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With his partner now in an arm bar, SAC yells more but suddenly starts shaking at a rapid CGI induced rate. He stops. His pupils larger and his teeth pointier. (Thanks close-up). He then speaks in the same “possessed” voice that has been used for centuries to show that someone is possessed, asking “Michael” what he’s doing. So our angel has a name. Gee I wonder if it’s Archangel Michael, or just some random Michael who gets mistaken for him all the time…
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Anyway, “These weren’t your orders.” Michael replies “I’m following my own orders.” We get an exposition sentence informing Michael will die “along with the child,” and then Possessed Cop shoots the very confused Other Cop. Michael rolls and fires taking out PC. Then since no one else is left to use the Police car, he borrows it. Lights of buildings go off as his car passes…sure. Why not?
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[I pause the movie. Not for any rant, but just to take a break at the opening and get some food. When I return…other things grab my attention. The movie never gets turned back on.]
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DAY 2:
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[I watch up to the same point.]
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We cut away from the dimming city as a guy wakes up. Hi new guy. He lives in a trailer and heads out to stare at the sky, but in his way is a building with a sign that reads “
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A girl named “Charlie” hears him and starts up a conversation. I couldn’t make out the name she called him, but it sounded like Jeep. I may have misheard since he’s not a big guy, unless it’s an ironic nickname.
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[I pause and rewind a few times to make sure I’m hearing correctly. Finally turn on the CC to discover…yeah, his name is Jeep. That revelation (I see what I did there…) causes me to sigh and then I get a phone call. When I return…the movie never gets turned back on.]
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DAY 3:
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[Uh…I meant to watch it. I swear.]
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DAY 4:
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[Rewatch up to where I’ve seen to make sure I’m not forgetting or missing something. Then I remember a show is on I wanted to watch so it gets turned off again. Plan on skipping the opening next time as the cursing cop really gets on my nerves.]
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DAY 5:
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[Staying Alive. Staying Alive.]
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DAY 6:
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[Okay. Focus. When we last left, we’d met Charlie and Jeep. So…
Here…we…go…again.]
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Charlie reveals that she’s pregnant, talking about how the baby is kicking as if he senses something. Sure. Anyway, Jeep had a bad dream. Charlie feels that it’s because he’s too stressed, worrying about everything. Throwaway line about how Jeep is helping her despite the fact that the baby isn’t his. So, he’s a good guy. That’s nice.
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Charlie’s “Not ready to be a momma.” At eight months pregnant, this is a bad time to realize this. Jeep promises that he’ll help her. But she responds he needs to stop “carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.” That bit of character introduction done, we cut.
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Dennis Quaid is trying to get a TV to work in a bar while Charles S. Dutton wonders where his career went. They bounce dialogue off each other like seasoned vets can. Meanwhile, a couple patrons argue about their provocatively dressed daughter. The father chooses to openly ask why the daughter is dressing such a way so we know she’s rebellious when she replies full of snark. Cliché family issues complete.
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The father is very meh and emotionless about the reply. I guess he’s distant. Mama swears she’s being punished for something.
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[And…the “T” key flies off my laptop. I pause the movie and fix it. My laptop is now 5 years old and I’ve very sentimental about it because I’m weird like that. Anyway, after doing so, I get caught up watching sports. ]
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DAY 7:
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We cut from the meh father to Random Guy driving down the road listening to rap and checking his cell while speeding. No service, so he checks his map and then pulls over. He sees Charlie smoking (Yes, pregnant Charlie) and tells her she should stop for the baby. It’s a little late for that.
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He then suggests that she give him one of hers before she stops. Endearing. They bounce a couple lines off each other and she gives him a cigarette and then lets him know he’s lost. He asks for a phone and she directs him inside after ensuring him that there is food inside, too.
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Jeep appears and asks if she’s okay. With that done, we cut back into the arguing couple arguing. Rebel Daughter gives the “Hi, there” look at Lost Driver. Dennis Quaid makes a comment about Charlie smoking which she brushes off like she did earlier. She then insults Quaid who claims he quit two years ago.
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Lost Driver asks for a phone, but Angry Dad butts in to ask when his car will be fixed. Apparently, Jeep was supposed to have it fixed an hour ago. So Quaid goes out and finds Jeep not working on the car because he’s working on something for Charlie. So they have a confrontation about the attention Jeep is showing the pregnant girl. Quaid essentially asks “You going to keep following her around when she runs around with every other guy?” which angers Jeep. “SHE’S NOT LIKE THAT!” Quaid is Jeep’s dad, by the way. Jeep claims he can’t explain why he’s doing what he’s doing but that dreams have been haunting him and he feels he has to.
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Quaid then gives a speech about the restaurant/gas station/repair shop. How he couldn’t explain why, but he knew it would work. He told his wife so. Felt it deep inside. He knew a line of shopping marts would move in and they’d go from the middle of nowhere to the middle of town, turning it into a goldmine. But the superstore moved a city over leaving him looking stupid. He doesn’t want his son to make a mistake believing in something that’ll never happen. Quaid wants Jeep to find a place to go. “I don’t want you to wake up…and realize you’re lost. Just like anyone else who stops here.” It’s a darn strong speech from a darn good actor.
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He finishes up and tells Jeep to get the car done so that the Angry Couple can leave.
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Quaid goes back inside and sees that his TV is on the fritz again. Outside, Jeep sees a dark, foreboding cloud coming their way. Quaid goes to fix the TV again. Jeep turns around and realizes another cloud is coming from the opposite direction. DUN DUN DUNNNN.
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Charlie, Dutton, and Quaid snipe at each other about the TV. It finally comes back on…but it’s a test pattern. “What the hell is that?” Dutton asks. The TV reads “THIS IS NOT A TEST.” Angry Mom wonders why they would have the buffer without reports on what to do. Dutton turns on the radio to find that no stations are playing. The Test Signal sound is going on and on. And on. And on. I get that it’s supposed to build some tension, but it’s just hurting my ears.
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[Enough that I took a break from the movie, and then got caught up editing my Sorority Row entry. Oops.]
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DAY 8:
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Meanwhile, Lost Driver is on the phone. It’s working. He wants to talk to his son, but his wife refuses and he claims “I don’t care what you’re lawyer said!” The phone then dies on him.
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“Why is the TV out?” asks Angry Mom who is starting to panic. Rebel Teen states “It’s probably terrorists.” Angry Mom officially becomes Panic Mom. Meh Dad is still meh. Lost Driver wants the money he paid to use the phone back since it went out.
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A dusty car pulls into the gas station. The door pops open and…a walker pops out. An old woman pushes herself out of the car, slowly heading inside. Meanwhile, Jeep is back working on the car.
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Old Lady makes it inside. Charlie smiles and tells her where to find the specials. “I already know what I want.” She says in her sweetest old lady voice. After ordering, she points out Charlie’s “unusual” girl name. Charlie smiles and leaves to get the food ready.
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“Hello. I’m Gladys. Gladys Foster.” Old Lady introduces herself to Panic Mom and Meh Dad. Panic Mom states their names. We chit-chat and get some exposition on the Angry Couple. Panic Mom asks if Gladys heard anything about what’s going on.
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“You don’t have to worry about that, sweetheart. It’ll all be over soon.” The sweet voice comes out creepy here. Foreshadowing is a nice thing.
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Jeep enters and pulls his dad to the side. Seems the Angry Couple’s car has something wrong with its computer and can’t be fixed. Uh-oh.
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Charlie brings the food to Sweet Old Lady, who inquires on the father of the soon to be born child. “I wouldn’t know. Out of sight, out of mind.” Old Lady, “I take it you’re not married…that’s too bad.” Charlie assures that she’ll be okay.
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“But what about the baby?...It’s gonna burn.” Charlie’s eyes widen. “What did you say?” “I said your ****ing baby’s gonna burn.” Sweet voice still being used for unintentional hilarity. I’m surprised they didn’t get Betty White for this role.
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Everyone else (minus the arguing Jeep and Daddy) looks up in shock. Charlie storms off as Old Lady states “All the little babies gonna burn.” Don’t run it into the ground, movie. She eats her steak.
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Panic Mom tries to talk softly, but Sweet Old Lady busts out a warbled evil voice to shout profanities at her. This wakes up Meh Dad. He storms over to Gladys’s table and demands an apology. He instead gets his jugular ripped out by the surprisingly sturdy old lady teeth.
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Panic enuses. Old Lady drops the “F-Bomb” some more and Dutton Dutton (who is still here despite not doing much) WINGS A FRYING PAN at her. She pops back up and starts running around, doing some wall climbing along the way. This is enough to cause Quaid to get his Shotgun and fire off a few rounds. He misses and she pops down, slapping him to the side, causing the gun to slide to Jeep. Dutton shouts for him to “Shoot the crazy b****!”
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“You will never save her.” Sweet Old Possessed Lady spouts before sliding at the frozen Jeep. Jeep closes his eyes, clinching the shotgun. Not firing. She roars…and three shots are heard, putting her down.
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Lost Driver has a glock and put it to good use.
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Anyway, Panic Mom rushes over to her husband, who is bleeding to death. Lost Driver dives in to help. He’s a rather useful character. Rebellous Teen is crying in a corner when blood drips on her.
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Everyone rushes for a van outside, yes transporting the ever bleeding Meh Dad. “How far to the hospital?” “Seventy, eighty miles.” Frick. They realize they’re driving into dark clouds. “What is that?!” shouts rebellious teen “Clouds don’t buzz!”
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The van then gets overran with bees. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!
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Meanwhile, Jeep is throwing his guts up while Quaid tries to figure out what just happened. He wonders what Lost Driver does to have the gun he has. Jeep laments the fact that he was too afraid to fire. Quaid reassures him. “Not everybody can be the hero…especially when it comes to pulling the trigger.” FORESHADOWING
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The van is back and everyone is panicing. “I need to find my bible” states Dutton because “Somebody needs to start praying.” Quaid then looks up and sees the “buzzing clouds.”
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Inside, they inspect the old lady and we see her demon sharp teeth. They banter while removing her from the establishment. Another car is coming. LAPD. Gee, I wonder who that could be. Everyone but the Family is out to see who the new arrival is.
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Out steps Michael. Charlie and he lock eyes for a moment until Quaid cocks the shotgun. “Is that how you greet all your customers?” Quaid wants to see his teeth. Michael shows them. “No shark teeth, pop” states Jeep. Michael introduces himself. Quaid apologies but is still skeptical considering Michael’s non-cop attire.
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Michael realizes they don’t know what’s going on and says “I don’t have much time.” But Quaid is still worrying and won’t lower his gun so Michael calmly does a Steven Seagal like gun swap (minus shooting the intial holder). Lost Driver pulls his gun on Michael. Tension as Michael puts the shotgun to Quaid’s head.
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“Just tell him you’re sorry!” shouts Jeep. Dutton tries to talk Michael down. Michael looks back and calmly says “They’re here.” “Who’s here?” “More like her.”
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Michael pops open the trunk and starts throwing weapons to people. Quaid protests, but Jeep insists he can handle it. Michael says he’ll have to. Charlie is given a gun and instructed “Don’t do anything brave.”
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The Cryptic Angel meets remaining ladies of the family and tells them to get back inside. Everyone rushes in and start barricading. I wonder how long until the gas station gets blown up.
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Lights go out. Flashlights get passed out. Lost Driver wants to know what’s next. Michael is still being cryptic. Driver, Quaid, Dutton, and Michael go to the roof where Dutton hears a coming noise. It sounds like…an ice cream truck.. That’s because it is. That’s a loud system since that truck is miles away.
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Michael gives a lesson in the safety switch on guns, telling them they won’t need it. They make a joke about the fact that Dutton is missing a hand. Ha. Ha. Haaaaaa.
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[At this point, my computer freezes and has to be reboot. I stop the movie and end up working on other things once getting it restarted]
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DAY 9-10:
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[Shut up. I was busy.]
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DAY 11:
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The Ice Cream Man arrives. Meh Dad is still alive and again points out the music is that of the ICM. Our evil dairy provider steps out of his vehicle and starts sniffing around. Lost Driver comments that “He don’t look that bad.” Tipping ICM to their location and causing him to scream while stretching his jaw to an unnatural length. Hooray CGI.
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Arms start to stretch as he takes on a spider look and charges. Michael guns him down. We have silence. “That it?” asks…someone.
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Nope. More cars are coming. All shown drivers doing that stupid CGI head shaking. Michael decides to move this along and fires on the cars. The others join. A couple cars crash together so we can have en explosion.
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Michael looks and sees that there are cars coming from the other side of the road, so he busts out a bazooka and takes out a few before opening fire again. Finally, some cars stop and their drivers start walking.
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Little girl with white ballon.Creepy? Sure. Why not? Michael breaks up the staring by gunning down some of them. Driver is shocked, “They’re just regular people!” but reassured, “Not anymore!” That answer is apparently suitable as the guys start firing again.
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Down in the restaurant, someone crashes in through the window. Jeep rushes to Charlie. Panic Mom panics. Especially when Meh Dad gets drug away. They try and help, but fail. Someone grabs for Charlie, but Michael appears, guns blazing. He then tells Charlie to stop being brave.
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With a pause in the attack, Quaid demands an explanation. So Michael starts the exposition. “This is an extermination.” He claims that the people are possessed, but not by demons, but instead angels. Sent by god to irradiate mankind. Much like plenty of viewers, Dutton calls bullcrap on this. Lost Driver does the same.
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Jeep asks how Michael knows such things causing him to reveal that he’s an angel. Quaid is skeptic and does his best with forced “I don’t even believe in god” dialogue. Michael assures him that God doesn’t believe in him. Cliché Comeback accepted.
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Forced back and forth between Dutton and Quaid. They do their best with it. Michael reveals that he is there to protect Charlie because her child is the only hope humanity has. Great. God should’ve sent a Terminator.
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“Either your child lives or mankind dies.”
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They have to hold off the angels until Charlie gives birth…but she has a month to go. Dun DUN…meh.
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[With this “twist” I shake my head and break so that I can finish with added pictures and put up Sorority Row.]
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DAY 12:
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[This is taking much too long. I need to finish this freaking thing,]
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Michael let’s them know that the first attack was against their strength, the next will be against their weakness. How…cliché. Anyway, something “much worse” is on the way, so we cut to lightning. Our crew back on the roof.
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Dutton asks about Lost Driver’s gun. “I use it for protection…from people.” Dutton keeps forcing the issue. Driver finally admits “I never actually used it. Flashed it to scare folks, but I never used it…not until today.” With such a speech to make him even more likable…I worry about his immediate survival.
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Dutton also dialogues, talking about his father. “If you don’t wake up tomorrow. If it turns out that today is your last day on earth. Would you be proud of what you’ve done in this life? Cause, if you ain’t…you better start getting square.” It’s a cliché speech. This movie is slowly drowning itself.
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Inside, Quaid is smoking and drinking. Opens a beer and gives it to Panic Mom “on the house.” He has a conversation with her that reveals that the gas is still on. FORESHADOWING!!!
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Panic Mom dialogues. For goodness sakes movie. If I didn’t care then, I won’t care now.
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Jeep starts talking to Michael, asking questions of what he did. “I was a soldier. A general in his army.” Jeep wants to know why he left. Michael says he was given an order he “didn’t believe in.” and then states that God lost faith. Somewhere, a fundamentalist cries.
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Continuing on our wonderful “Get to like these people, darn it,” dialogue, Jeep asks how Michael can still believe since everything the non-angel believes in never works out for him.
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Paul Bettany (Playing Michael) then gets his big scene. The summary: He watched humanity fall apart over petty things like race and creed, yet among all the problems, he sees someone like Jeep, willing to love a woman and a child that isn’t his own even though “all hope is lost.” “Being lost is close to being found.” “You love her even though she may never love you like you do her…you, Jeep, are the reason I have faith.” It’s a nice enough scene even if I do feel a hammer bashing me against the skull.
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Quaid sits on the rough smoking and drinking. Animalistic sounds. Michael stares out and we see…a winged angel. It’s a flashback. Another big acting scene showing his rebellion. “They are just lost. It is our place to guide them…” He is arguing with Gabriel. Sadly, not played by Christopher Walken.
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It’s basically rehashing what we know, but with more CGI and to introduce Gabriel so we know who he is when he shows up soon.
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On the roof…Quaid has passed out. Panic Mom wake up downstairs. Mom starts wandering around because she hears Meh Dad. She walks around and we see a door to the outside. It’s barricaded so she climbs up on a desk and looks out a window to see…
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Meh Dad hung on an upside down cross? What the frick, movie? How does that make any sense?! Never mind. It’s “creepy” apparently. Anyway, he calls out for her. We get close ups of things bubbling on him. She then starts moving the barricade so she can go outside. This gives her the power to elbow Lost Driver when he tries to stop her.
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She runs outside, Dutton close behind her. Dutton grabs her and turns her away just as Meh Dad EXPLODES. His juices hitting Dutton’s back. Panic Mom is drug back inside and then Dutton collapses. His back bones showing since Meh Dad had acid blood just like Alien.
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Quaid is mad at himself since he fell asleep and let Dutton down. Heroic sacrifice coming? Only if the movie is overly predictable…uh…let’s move on.
Rebel Daughter gives her mom a pill. Panic Mom starts blaming her for “everything.” Gee, I wonder who the weakness of the group is…
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They try some radio stations and finally get some voices. Militias have formed to battle the possessed. We’re entering zombie territory now. Michael says they can’t leave and find a militia because of the baby. Charlie runs off to have a smoke then goes to the kitchen where Jeep finds her.
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Charlie talks about how she went to get an abortion, but had a feeling that made her unable to go through with it. Don’t know who gave her that feeling if God has given up on humanity. She must have some super awesome instincts.
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Jeep talks nice to her and she gets mad they he has so much faith in her. He finally lets off some steam on her, “You aren’t the only one around here who’s had a rough time. Let me know when you stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
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Meanwhile, Rebel Daughter is now on the roof with Lost Driver. Apparently, she dated a Marine, so she knows how to use a gun. Convenient. She then gets to do her monologue so you can feel sorry for her. This allows Lost Driver to “develop” more character. He’s so screwed.
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Power comes back on. A car is charging down the road. Lost Driver tells Rebel Girl to go downstairs but she won’t go. He gives her his gun. The car stops and…a father tells his son to stay put while he puts gas in the car.
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Lost Driver stares. Rebel Girl hears more cars and points them out to him. “It’s a trap!” shouts Driver. Apparently, the angels saw the man and son coming so they turned the lights on. The Dad is apparently deaf since Driver shouts warnings but gets no answer. Dad keeps giving his son the “don’t worry” hand motion. You know it, even if that description doesn’t bring it to mind.
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Driver opens fire, but it isn’t enough and the Dad gets ran down due to stupidity. It’s set up in a way that I wouldn’t be shocked if they do the double swerve by having someone rescue the kid only to find out that he’s possessed. Just saying. And yes, I paused so I could ramble this.
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[But I kept going because this thing ends tonight, Daggone it.]
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Possessed Shark Tooth People get out of cars and drag the kid out. Driver hops down off the roof and charges ahead like a genius. He guns some down. Inside, Michael pulls a gun and makes sure Quaid doesn’t take down the barricade.
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Kid isn’t showing his face since Driver got to him and…shocking. Kid bites Driver in the neck. I’m so awesome…or it was that freaking obvious. I’d like to think that it’s both.
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Rebel Girl hops down and starts firing. When she gets to the kid, the gun runs out of bullets and a manly voice from the short fry states “You’re gonna die now.” She runs to van.
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Charlie tells Michael if he doesn’t do something, she will, forcing his hand. He grabs a couple guns and tells Jeep to open the door. With that, Michael goes to work.Action Hero kicks and punches. Precise gunshots. He then grabs a gas pump, starts it up and shoot the gas causing a flamethrower effect.
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Sure. Why not.
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He grabs Rebel out of the van and they rush back to the restaurant, making it just as an EXPLOSION occurs. Yeah, think I called that earlier.
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[Much earlier]
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Charlie rushes to get some water for them, but the kid is there with a knife. “Don’t worry, I just want to play with the baby.” Yay, evil angel quip. Heh? He cuts at her stomach and she grabs a pan to act as a shield. Angel Kid cuts his hand then she kicks him away and the lights go out again.
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Kid jumps Quaid, but Michael makes the save. Why would he go after Quaid when Charlie is the main target? Movie needs a life preserver. Stat.
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Charlie goes into labor. Michael starts instructing Rebel Girl how to help. An odd, horn like sound is heard. This obviously freaks out Michael because “he’s coming.” I guess it’s the G-man, but not the big G, but the conveniently introduced Gabriel from earlier.
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Quaid looks out and a lightning flash reveals a…well…legion. “How many bullets you got left?” I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a joke or not.
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Anyway…Charlie delivers. Yay! Merry Christmas everyone! Rebel Girl shows the baby to Charlie and Michael and then takes it (Sex not given at the moment) to her mom. Panic Mom doesn’t seem panicked. Weak Link Going Crazy? Cliché Accepted.
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Michael tells Charlie she has to show the kid how to lead. She questions this and asks why Michael doesn’t take him. He replies, “Because Johnny is yours.” Johnny? Is Charlie’s last name Conner perchance?
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The baby cries which bothers the giant army outside. The remaining group gathers and Michael instructs them to grab any weapon. Jeep realizes that Michael was sent to kill the baby, which freaks out Charlie, but Michael tells her that the future has been unwritten with the birth of the baby.
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Crazy Panic Mom grabs the baby and says she’s going to give it to the army outside since that’s what they want. “You didn’t even want him.” She states. Rebel Girl refuses to go with her mom. A white light is charging at the back door.
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It hits and bursts the door off the hinges. So Michael caps Panic Mom in the skull and Jeep heroes up and catches the falling baby. One more bullet sends Panic Mom into the white light…
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Enter Gabriel who instantly takes a swing at Jeep and the kid. Quaid steps up to defend his kid, firing at the archangel. Gabe spins around, deflecting the bullets better than Wonder Woman ever could and then slices Quaid in the stomach before swatting him across the room. No confirmed death shot, which would be done with cheesy music, so he’s probably still alive.
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Jeep gets held back by Michael. “Get the child out of here!” Before instructing him to find the prophets and learn to read…something. Anyway, Jeep leads the girls outside where the Legion is standing stoically watching, but not moving. How very Hitchcock’s The Birds.
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Inside, Gabe and Michael staredown. Dialogue a comin. Gabe points out the wingless Michael’s…uh…lack of wings. “You were so eager to please him.” “Unlike you, the rebellious son.”
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As the group gets closer to the car, the Legion parts and we see a small angel with a bag over his (her?) head. It smacks the hood with a stick. They move past and get in to leave.
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“You think you can defy him and not pay the price?” Michael doesn’t care because the child lives. Gabe calls him a fool and tells him they won’t escape. Michael refuses to run.
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They share a brief moment of tenderness and then go to battle. It’s action-y. Okay stuff. Michael fires off his gun while Gabe swings a mace. Stuff gets broke. Stuff gets shot. The gun gets knocked away. Michael uses the TV from earlier as a weapon. Gabe gets karate thrown but power punches back into control. Gabe gets another gun, but gets sliced like Quaid did. However, unlike Quaid, he avoids the Angelic Pimpslap and hops on Gabe’s back. Gabe grabs his mace and triggers something that causes a blade to go through him and into Michael as well.
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Michael falls. Gabe stands tall. Gabe mumbles something about “dying like one of them.” And then Michael dematerializes. What?
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Anyway, Jeep’s arm starts showing the tattoo’d language that was on Michael.
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Back at the restaurant: Gabriel stands and hears a sound. A flicking noise. He walks over and we see Quaid flicking his lighter. Gee, how nice of them to mention the gas was still on earlier. “Sorry…we’re out of business.” Giant explosion that catches Gabriel and the legion. Heroic Sacrifice…complete. Cliché Accepted. Movie is officially over it’s head and holding it’s breath.
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Jeep is still driving and they reach somewhere new. He instructs them to find any weapon that may still be in the car. Rebel Girl finds a flare gun just in time for Gabriel to CRASH ONTO THE ROOF where he starts bashing about trying to get to Charlie’s baby. Jeep shoots him, but it’s only a wound.
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Gabriel gets a flare gun round to the face. He’s fine though. Gabe sucks at close combat in a car and falls for the old “Not wearing a seatbelt” trick. The car stops suddenly, propelling the angel out. Only problem is that this plan causes the car to flip a couple times.
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But they make it. Yay false tension. Baby cries. They randomly discard Rebel Girl as gone and Jeep starts dragging…er…helping Charlie up a mountain. Gabe flies up and smacks Jeep.
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He walks menacingly towards Charlie demanding the baby, but Jeep charges at him, knocking them both off a cliff. Jeep lands on Gabe who pops up with ease. The wounded protector is asked why he keeps trying. Jeep mans up and throws a big manly “F-Bomb” at Gabe who goes for the death shot…
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BUT there is Michael descending from the heaven. Surprise! Deus ex Angelina. Gabe doesn’t believe it and Michael states “You gave him what he asked. I gave him what he needed.” Mikey then slices Gabe’s chest with a sword. They start speaking in a different language. I assume “Angelic.” Either that or I’ve accidentally hit the “Audio Change” button. Michael spares Gabe and they both fly off.
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Jeep climbs back up the mountain to find Charlie and the baby there. They stare out at the sight in front of them. A brand new, death cloudless day.
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We cut to them driving. Tattoo’d Jeep looks at the kid while Charlie smiles. We then get Charlie’s Sarah Connor speech, which is the same speech from the beginning of the movie. Cause that’s how you want to bookmark this thing.
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And it’s over. It’s…all…over.
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[Hooray!!]
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SCORE: 2 out of 5
An interesting concept ruined by lazy and nonsensical execution in the 2nd and 3rd act. The foreshadowing is just bashed into the viewers face until things are just plain predictable (Again, I edit, but don’t add to the writing [the daily recap is the only thing added later]. All that is written was written while watching the movie) Dennis Quaid has an interesting role that eventually slips into cliché…just like the rest of the movie. Paul Bettany does a decent job at Michael as the character dips from action star to melodramatic to action again...which feels like the point, but just left me blah.
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In all, I just didn’t like this thing. Why would being possessed by an angel cause someone to take a DEMONIC appearance? Nice job having the baby be born on December 25th. That’s rather…original. Sigh. I don’t really want to rant, so I’ll let for my movie thoughts stand for themselves.
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Constructive Criticism:
It shows signs on knowing what it’s doing and those involved in the making could very easily find their stride in the future. They’ve already shown they know how to get good affordable talent with the inclusion of Quaid, Bettany, and Dutton.
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Oh, and I’m not sure, but I suppose that Lost Driver (See, he’s lost and…I got nothing) and his comments about flashing his gun could be a slight symbolic speech about the movie on its own sense, you know, God could theoretically…just rain down fire until everything was dead and ash. So having the angels come down and raise some fury could just be him doing the equivalent of “flashing his gun” when it comes to power.
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I still didn’t like it though.
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