MIND TO MOUTH:
SORORITY ROW
Prethoughts:
The trailers made the movie feel like an all-female version of I Know What You Did Last Summer. It doesn’t really excite the senses, but I do suppose I am a required as a straight male with an enjoyment with looking at attractive women to view it with an open mind. Not sure what the “watching them murdered in increasing unique and violent ways” says about me, but thankfully I’m too poor to go see a psychiatrist and find out. Hey, anyone want to come to my place for a party?!
But first…some posters:
1.
3.
Winner: #3…I favor the needless piling of the Theta Pi gals.
With that out of the way…
Movie:
Here…we…go…
It’s night. Creepy thudding noises and a slow zoom brings us towards a house, with my veteran movie instincts assuming it’s a sorority house. Screams. A crash. A screaming girl in runs out shouting… “Danny, gimme my shirt!”
A party is going on. Girls dance and bounce on a trampoline while having a pillow fight. A typical party event I suppose? At the
More dancing, drinking, and making out. Actually, the dancing is more of them just jumping up and down and randomly thrusting in the direction of the camera. An argument happens by the keg, shocking, I’m sure. A shirtless guy wants a beer and gets one when a girl throws it in his face…IN SLOW MOOOOOOOTION! Well. Kind of. It completely misses the guy and hits the camera. Thanks, now I have to change my shirt.
Okay then…More people we don’t need to know or care about and then we see an older woman (compared to the presumed students) in the kitchen pouring some tea. A couple drunks bust into the room and she shoos them away.
More pillow fighting. There is random dialogue throughout this and I’m not sure if I’m actually supposed to be recognizing main characters. Some girl who I don’t recognize whatsoever (but since the camera is stalking her, I’ll assume she’s a Main Character) wanders around as we see more partiers. Finally, she gets pulled into a room. Hooray. The victims…uh…seniors of Theta Pi.
Theta Leader makes a joke about the Asian Girl making the group multi-cultural. Haha, sarcastic racism. Asian Girl then compliments Beer Tosser who responds by making a joke about sleeping with AG’s dad. Pleasant. Our slutty chucker of alcohol then compliments the Nerd of the group. You can tell she’s a nerd because she wears glasses. Nerd compliments the unknown girl we’ve been following, calling her Cass. Cass then compliments the leader on being a horrible person so that the circle can be complete and we can know and care about (STOP LAUGHING) the crew.
They chant a chant and take a shot. But someone is missing…Megan. Theta Leader via webcam shows that she is currently seducing an ex-boyfriend. They mock the guy’s abilities and Megan’s chest, which has apparently increased in size through unnatural ways. Turns out that a couple of the girls gave the ex, who is Beer Tosser’s brother, some roofies to help Megan along. Beer Tosser keeps making stupid jokes, such as saying that roofie sex is great because you get a good night of sleep. I don’t like this character.
Uh-oh, Unconscious Megan starts throwing up. Turns out Brother BT overdosed her accidentally. Theta Leader goes for mouth-to-mouth as the guy heads out of the room. Beer Tosser calls the CPR “Hot” as Megan suddenly awakes and starts kissing back. SURPRISE, it’s all a joke on the guy. Cass, who is very obviously going to be the Final Girl, is surprised and shocked as they explain that this is payback since the guy cheated on Megan…even if she did cheat first.
Oy.
This is the best prank ever, girls.
I can’t see how this could go wrong in any possible way!
They joke and mock around a bit. They hear a car horn, as the brother has arrived to try and take her to the hospital. Cut to the car driving along, the guy freaking out in the back because “If she dies, I’ll be responsible.” Cass tries to let the cat out of the bag but gets interrupted by Theta Leader. After being stopped mid-sentence, Cass gives up for some reason.
Theta Leader claims to have taken a wrong turn, which freaks out the would-be-rapist. The further they go, the more the guy starts trying to be responsible by saying he’ll stay with her and call for help so the girls don’t get in trouble. He tries his phone but has no service. Theta Leader tells the guy to “Look at me” three times despite the fact her mouth only moves for two sentences and then offers him a chance to “get rid of the problem.” He reverts to his natural idiot self and agrees.
Cut to a creepy place because pranks can’t happen near rainbows.
Fog machine, check. Ominous shadows, check.
Most likely stand-ins for a second unit shot, check.
.
The guy throws up after leaving the vehicle and all (minus Cass) try to hide a chuckle at his stress. They debate whether to toss her into a well or cut her up first. Apparently, because it’s “funnier” they decide to slice her up. They split up to find sharp objects. Cass is reluctant. A couple other girls are starting to chicken out. Our would-be-rapist is very despondent but walks away.
The other girls talk to Theta Leader wanting to call off the joke. One problem…The guy found a sharp object and plunged it into Megan’s heart. SURPRISE! She isn’t dead, but now she’s actually on her way. Commence group freak out. Asian Girl tries her phone but, as established, has no reception. Cass goes into first aid mode and Nerd attempts to help. No chance, though, because Megan’s silicone walls failed to protect her. Theta Leader looks sad…at least I think that’s the emotion she’s trying to convey. Finally, they realize that Megan is gone.
“What are we gonna do?!” Take three guesses.
They discuss what to do, taking their time to the solution that anyone with half a brain realizes they’ll do. Theta Leader suggests lawyering up and sending the would-be-rapist-now-murder to jail. Beer Tosser refuses to let “her little brother” fry for the prank. Asian Girl is panicking. Theta Leader decides that Megan would want them to hide the body. Oh yeah. Makes perfect sense.
Cass isn’t buying it so our fearless Leader tries to guilt the obvious Final Girl by saying that if she reveals what happened, she’d ruin everyone’s life. It doesn’t work. The girls somehow bring up guys because, you know, being responsible for someone’s death ruins your social life. The guy is still freaking out as he grasps that he’s a killer. Then this beauty is unleashed upon the world:
“There’s a dead person. A girl we murdered.” “Accidentally!”
Anyway…Cass tries to convince everyone that they should fess up while everyone else slowly agrees to hide the body and lie. This has taken longer than it really should. Theta Leader establishes that she is not surviving the movie with another “Megan would want this,” rant. The Nerd breaks down and joins the “hide” group because her life is so awesome…
And they finally get to the “Hide the body” solution. Theta Leader lays down the law. But brother is back and he’s not happy. She quips, “You gonna kill me, too?” which causes him to whither again, curling into a ball. So the girls (minus Cass) drag the dead body and throw it down the well. No cutting up is done. Cowards.
They toss her into the well, but no one makes a wish. Cass appears…she was trying to make a phone call. That’s three times they’ve now confirmed the lack of signal. How…useless. Anyway, the girls wrapped Megan up in Cass’s jacket, so if she squeals, they’ll put the entire blame on her. Because, you know, murderers often wrap victims in their own very recognizable clothing…especially when it’s covered in other people’s fingerprints.
Cass finally relents and Theta Leader drops the weapon, a tire iron, down the well. Again, FINGERPRINTS. I mean, come on. Oh well, they make a big deal about it falling, so it’ll probably show up again... I don’t really care.
EIGHT MONTHS LATER
Graduation with graduates. Hats fly into the air. Beer Tosser has alcohol. I’m astounded. Nerd takes a swig. Cass looks sad. Theta Leader gives her a knowing look and smirk. Asian Girl…stands around looking clueless. Crap, she’s looking right at this!
Majors anyone? I assume Nerd is an engineer. Asian Girl is a mathematician.
And Theta Leader majored in Communications AKA “Looking to marry someone rich.”
Hey. They are cliches, after all.
Anyway, Cass is with her boyfriend (The Valedictorian…) afterwards. He brings up how she used to be close with the sisters until Megan disappeared. This must have been an obvious change, but no one ever suspected anything. Anyway, they flirt about and then she tackles him to the bed like a lady.
Later, there is a meet-and-greet for parents and sorority members. Theta Leader greets a couple and then sees Cass and beau. Snarky comments follow because she isn’t a nice person. Inside, Beer Tosser is making out with the first willing guy she found. She makes light of the fact that she threw up earlier and follows it up with obvious sexual suggestions to him. It’s too much for him so she calls him gay and leaves. Like a lady.
Theta Leader is giving a speech. Beer Tosser arrives, drinking again. Cass has to stand with the rest of the sisters. Renovations are occurring. We find out the older lady is named Mrs. Crenshaw. Theta Leader then goes into talking about Megan, “We hope and pray she comes back to us.”
“I’m Maggie” says the sister as she enters. Looks like she’s going to attend the college next year. Looks like she’ll join the Theta Pi crew next year. Looks like the group is happy they won’t be there next year. If they only knew…
Nerd gets sick and runs off. Theta Leader chats and leads Maggie to the door, telling her to not come to the party. All the girls (Minus Cass) thought the girl was creepy. Murdering someone’s sister will do that to you.
“Who is ready to party?!” enter some jocks. Theta Leader and Asian Girl’s boyfriends. AG’s guy let’s Cass know he’d like a run at her mother. Wonderful. Party planning dialogue that is useless. The guys leave, which is convenient because…
Cell phones go off. All of them. They’ve all got picture mail. And it’s a picture of…
A TIRE IRON! SHOCK AND AWE!
They instantly assume that the brother is playing a sick joke. Asian Girl assumes he has snapped and is going to kill them all, making her the closest of the group despite freaking out extremely quickly. Beer Tosser defends her bro. Theta Leader demands everyone delete their picture. This done, they start getting ready for the party. Cass says she isn’t coming and Theta Leader acts evil again. In case you haven’t figured that out, yet. “If you really wanted to, you would’ve went to the cops by now.” Burn.
Cass calls her beau. She pinged him. He’s a 1.5 miles away. They discuss fishing. Seriously. It’s quick though because she cuts in and tells him she has something to confess…but it has to be later. Then she asks him to go to the party with her because…I really don’t know, but she’s going now. He obviously agrees. Hooray ping establishing scene.
Mrs. Crenshaw gives a small speech. Blah…She looked the other way when boys were brought in. Asian Girl makes a joke saying that Beer Tosser snuck in 5 guys one night. Cause she’s a whore. Isn’t that funny? Anyway, speech ends and Crenshaw gives gifts.
Bracelets with the same amount of links as members (22). Theta Leader mocks the gift as cheap. I wrote that before she actually did it because it was clearly coming. She’s not a good person. Do you get it, yet? Come on movie. Just get to it.
Anyway, Crenshaw leaves and they get ready. Asian Girl hops into the hot tub and invites in her guy. He’s very hesitant because people are around, but then she drops her top and he instantly agrees because…he’s never seen boobs before? Honestly, they make it obvious that she promiscuous so he’s “had” her multiple times, and they even mention that they’ve steamed up the hot tub on many occasions. How is her dropping her top really supposed to bribe the penis out of his pants if he doesn’t want to have sex in public? Oh wait…stupid college guy cliché. Got it. Maybe I’m just weird…
Meanwhile, Beer Tosser is at a new place wandering around alone and finds alcohol. She’s looking for “Dr. Rosenberg” because she’s here for her “five o’clock.” She finds him handcuffed to his bed. “Sorry, my last session ended abruptly.” He hits on her and then bribes her with prescription meds for sex. She goes to get ready.
While she prepares off-screen, an unseen entity appears. Slowly walking towards the not-so-good doctor. So Doc stretches and grabs the key to the lock, which pretty much gives away that he was looking to get some (some more?) from Beer Tosser. He frees himself and gets up…Just in time for a hooded cloth wearing being to toss a tire iron like a shuriken and kill him. SERIOUSLY.
And it STICKS in his head. A TIRE IRON, TOSSED FROM AT LEAST 15 FEET AWAY STICKS IN HIS HEAD. You know movie, when I said “Just get to it,” I didn’t mean “Go crazy stupid as quick as possible.” We don’t see the doctor during this, just his shadow followed by blood spatter. I suppose it “stuck” in his eye…but…Come on.
Beer Tosser hears none of this because she’s on the phone with someone explaining she’ll be late. She looks in a mirror medicine cabinet for drugs and when she shuts it…Nothing is there because she isn’t deaf. She’s a slut, remember? I’m sure she’s had to sneak out of plenty of places after hearing nearby footsteps…Anyway, it’s a stupid fake scare that doesn’t work at all.
She exits the room and sees that the not-so-good doctor is no longer handcuffed. It surprises her. I guess the killer is really good at cleaning up afterwards. Maybe Jason Voorhees teaches summer classes on the subject.
Beer Tosser wanders around looking for the doctor, throwing out witty comments like “I don’t have time for ‘catch me, rape me.’” Okay movie…the joke is very, very dead. Let the character join it. She drinks and lays on a couch. Drinks some more…SURPRISE!
Our Killer materializes smacks the bottom of the bottle, driving it down her gullet as her remarkably trained mouth contours around the wider glass. This causes her to “quick drink the alcohol while freaking out…but not sitting up…and the killer tilts her head back and cracks her in the neck with the tire iron causing blood to fly up into the bottle to confirm fatality. That’s one dead whore…I’m sorry.
Back at the party, the hot tub is overly bubbled. I guess that allows the shy guy to have…cover? Oh well. A girl walks out wasted while the sun is still up causing the Nerd to joke she’ll be pregnant by the nights end. Hilarious. Cass walks away.
Theta Leader is dressed up fancy and nervous. You can tell because she forcibly breaths. Amazing acting…astounding, really. She walks in and greets her boyfriend’s father. “You are a spirited girl.” He tells her, but it isn’t a compliment. Apparently he may get chance to be vice-president and he doesn’t want his boy with an unscrupulous girl. I’m so proud of myself for getting that word into a review. He basically threatens her not to screw up his chances with “surprises” that could embarrass his son, and therefore himself. Hopefully this leads to something later.
Back at house, the girls shoo a guy out as they finish preparing for the party. Nerd takes this opportunity to separate herself from the group. Cass worries how the girl will do once away from the college and her friends. Theta Leader, who must have a fast car, says she doesn’t care since she doesn’t need her anymore. Ahem…DO YOU GET IT YET?!
Shower scene! Shadowed side boob galore. Asian Girl takes an extra long one (No nudity for her, fellas) and the other girls leave. So she’s alone. This movie wouldn’t rip off Psycho with a tire iron, would it?
She stops the shower and…JUMP SCARE! Some random girl coming to ask her a question. Don’t worry though because Theta Leader shows up from nowhere to be mean to the girl because she isn’t a senior. She makes the girl drop her towel and leave naked. And…boob shot.
I don't really have a joke, but I will point out that the shower scene is gratuitous to the story without actually being gratuitous since it hides the majority of girls shown.
Now “alone” except for a girl hiding, Asian Girl brings up the text and Leader mocks her for being afraid and openly admits that they killed Megan. Hiding girl knocks over soap but isn’t discovered. Before she can leave, the showers start turning on. Oh, and boob shot. She reaches for a towel and wraps it around her…because that’s important to do when fearing for her life.
Hiding Girl is no longer hiding but slowly walking. Her towel might as well say “Victim.” The completely cloaked killer grabs her, shoves her into a shower and drives a sharp tire iron through her throat... it looks like the tire iron is a blade. Why? That makes no sense, but whatever. This person sucks at revenge. That’s two non-related and one related kills. And how did the killer know that the hiding person was there? Daggone…
Meanwhile, Nerd is officially well-separated from the group up in the dark attic. She’s there about 10 seconds before she starts the “Hello, is anybody there?” routine. Hint: They probably won’t tell you. A quick moving object darts by. If the killer got to the attic this quick, they’ve got secret passages...or poor editing.
Nerd finds a light, turns it on, and there is Cass’s old bloody jacket hanging in front of her. Her discovery is rewarded by a JUMP SCARE!!! Some guy who was looking for her…because she might need some help. Apparently, he was too stupid to answer her earlier questions. She leaves and we jump to the group having an emotional filled conversation. Or at least things that resemble emotions.
Nerd cries about killing Megan. Theta Leader scolds her because there are “30 others” who are outside the door who shouldn’t know. Whatever, blabber mouth. They discuss the jacket and whine. Conversation blames the would-be-rapist. They try Beer Tosser’s phone, but she doesn’t answer because she’s giving a bottle job…what is wrong with me?
By the way, Beer Tosser’s actual name in the movie is “Chugs.” Yeah. Whatever, movie.
Nerd assumes that Beer Tosser is dead. Theta Leader says “Nobody is dead…except for Megan.” Do. You. Get. It? She continues to blame the guy, saying he’s went nuts. It’s admirable that he waited 8 months to do so. Leader declares they still need to go to the party because otherwise they are admitting guilt. How does that make any…screw it. Carry on, movie. Nerd is instructed to hide the jacket. This makes her sad and weepy. Weepier?
Commence the party. Girls dance with very little on. Some guy stage dives into a load of bubbles…that doesn’t have any water to go along with it. Heavy thud. Darn it, the movie made me laugh.
Random boob shots. Dancing shots. Cass’s beau appears with her. She doesn’t want to be alone, he promises her. Elsewhere, Asian Girl is sticking tight to her obviously inebriated guy. He gets on her nerves but he doesn’t care because he could get “any of the girls here.” Again, if he didn’t really care about the relationship, why would he…screw it, stupid college horndog stereotype. She instantly breaks up with him and storms off like the genius she is.
Heavy drinking. Dancing. Underpaid extras. AG’s former boyfriend walks outside and instantly hits on the Nerd. She threatens to kill him if he touches her again. She leaves and he sees a few girls trying to sneak in. He offers to get them in for a sight of flesh. They move into a closed location…but something makes a slicing noise and the girls go all “Hook Hand Urban Legend” with the “Did you hear something?” He investigates and sees the cloaked killer standing…cloaked…with no one questioning it. As he goes to confront him, the girls decide to not flash him because he’s creepy. When he turns back around, our tire iron blade wielding ninja is gone. Nerd spies down on the guy and he asks her not to tell Asian Girl. I wonder if she saw our killer? Doubtful.
Asian Girl complains to Cass. She regrets not going to the cops. Cass does her best not to say “I told you so.” So pointless. I’m not going to feel sorry for this character 60 minutes into the movie. It’s not happening.
Drunk Boyfriend ambles around a dark area. Can you put two and two together on what comes next? Slice and dice. He lasts the longest of anyone so far, even managing to bust a window and shout for help…but everyone assumes that he is wasted…because they’re stupid. Anyway, he tries to crawl down a laundry shoot and the shuriken tire iron, which looks to now have multiple weapons (The heck is this thing?) hits the wall and freezes him in his place because if he falls, he’ll be killing himself. So instead, he just waits and the killer eventually does it themselves. And the Nerd saw it all. Where are her glasses?
A SCREAM!!! No one pays attention because they’re stupid. It’s Nerd who is running off. Asian Girl behind her to find out what’s wrong. Theta Leader excuses herself from the boyfriend who suggests she get everything under control.
The remaining four girls meet up as Nerd tries to find her words. “Gown.” Theta Leader explains that it is graduation and everyone is wearing graduation gowns. Mine didn’t come with a total face covering hood.
They end up splitting up. Leader and Cass go in to where Nerd saw the killer, Nerd and Asian Girl stay behind. Nerd and AG are now “Team Fodder.” Anyway, they find the dead guy and the tire iron. The ever pleasant T. Leader nicely points out that the tire iron has been “pimped out.” A cell phone rings and Theta Leader has been sent video. The video recorded on Megan’s phone of her being killed...sent by Megan’s phone. OooEeeOoo.
It starts up where the guy stabbed her. Theta Leader is still saying it is Beer Tosser’s brother. Meanwhile, Nerd screams. When Cass goes to update them, Nerd is missing and she calmly drops that AG’s boyfriend is dead before leaving. AG takes it well. Or it was bad acting. Either one.
Meanwhile, Cass’s boyfriend is waiting for her when someone comes up and asks if he sells weed. Hilarious. She appears and asks him to leave and she’ll explain later. She loves the word “later.” I bet boyfriend is very happy at the “I need you here, now leave,” junk she’s pulling. Anyway, she then takes off for outside where Theta Leader has rounded up the troops in her car. Team Fodder cries in the backseat. Cass jumps in and they head out without weapons or defense of any kind.
They have to suddenly STOP because Megan’s sister is IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. Convenient? She tells Theta Leader that Megan hated her (as well as insulting her hair) and walks off. With that complete, they head off to the original place.
Nerd is now convinced that it is Megan behind this. They get there and Cass grabs flare gun. They didn’t even bring a flashlight so Leader turns on her headlights for a JUMP SCARE!!!
I'd rather have a Flair gun. Wooooooo. Sigh, I need better jokes.
There is the brother mumbling about “she made me do it.” Asian Girl grabs the Flare gun and threatens him. He has blood on him and barely makes sense. He shouts something at one of the girls while holding a piece of broken mirror and then gets PLOWED by Leader’s car. She is apparently tired of the jump scares, too.
The other girls yell at her for doing so. “Three to one odds he’s still alive.” She quips because we haven’t had a reminder of how uncaring she is lately. Shock. Shock. The blood on him was his. He slit his wrist with the broken mirror. Plus he got the same message on his phone. This convinces the ever-dumbing down nerd that it’s Megan behind it all.
They decide to “find out” by lowering Cass into the well to find the body. What the heck? The chain breaks as she’s lowered and she crashes to the ground. The girls panic…but she’s Final Girl so she’s just fine. Leader accidentally drops the piece of mirror and it barely misses her hand. Cass pulls out her phone and looks around.
She finds a nice message. “Theta Pi Must Die.” Because, dead or alive, the killer knew they’d search the well. Sure.
They go back to the house. Party seems to be over. Everyone is gone to the after party. Oh, and the Jacuzzi overheated. Theta Leader decides to find her guy, leave, and get married. Asian Girl decides to go turn off the Jacuzzi…probably because she caused the problem with her over need for bubbles. Cass suggests she not go alone, but she still has the flare gun.
Inside the house, the music is still blaring as Leader looks for her love. Cass and Nerd enter the house. Outside, AG attempts to turn off the thing, but it won’t. So she finds the cord and starts following it. Brilliant.
Theta Leader finds a couple stragglers and throws them out. That was needed. AG is still following the cord and hears a creepy noise. Keeps walking. Tension...
Andy is 83 miles away. Thanks
AG makes it to the door and tries to get in, but the cord has somehow got around her foot and she is pulled into the bubbly abyss. Cass grabs a walking cane and rushes out, but it’s too late. She approaches a glowing spot in the bubbles and discovers the killer apparently decided to forgo the ever-witty tire iron kill by instead shooting the flare gun in AG’s mouth. That’s some lazy CGI…moving on, separated from the group Cass runs back inside, locking the door behind her, showing some actual smarts.
.
Theta Leader apparently assumes that her boyfriend who only really cares about himself would stay behind to wait for her because she is still searching for him. She finds Megan’s sister in her bed. Maggie claims to have slept with Theta Leader’s rich boy and they cat fight. Seriously.
It spills out into the hall. Cass and Nerd have to break them apart and reveal that the killer is here. Theta Leader is tired of this crap and grabs an axe. Where did that come from? Anyway, they heard a noise coming down the hall, so she’s about to ambush the wrong person. Yep.
It’s Crenshaw. She grabs the axe and smacks her in the face. Crenshaw don’t take crap, y’all. Also, she has a shot gun. Wowza. Anyway, she says that Leader had that coming for what she did. Leader immediately spills the beans by apologizing for killing Megan. Crenshaw was talking about trashing her house. SURPRISE!!!
Anyway, Maggie isn’t too happy to hear about this and goes to resume the cat fight but Crenshaw fires a shot into the ceiling. Cause Crenshaw don’t take crap, y’all. Cass quickly explains that multiple people are dead. Is anyone else around? Rich Boy, explains Theta Leader. She then spills the beans that she spilled the beans to him. This doesn’t make Cass very happy, but makes sense because she’s a manipulator.
Maggie says that Rich Boy left when he heard Leader coming. Everyone has dropped their phone. Maggie considers leaving and Leader puts on a fake concern voice. Maggie heads out to find her sister…oy.
Crenshaw heads into the kitchen. She sees a shadowy figure and since they don’t announce themselves to her, she unleashes three shotgun blasts that they have to avoid. Cause Crenshaw don’t take crap y’all. She gives a speech telling how she isn’t afraid. I believe her.
Theta Leader realizes they can sneak out the back. Cass lays down the law of “don’t abandon
Crenshaw hears something running behind her so she turns and fires. She is looking to ask questions second. Turning a corner, the shuriken tire iron is flung at her, but she strafes and fires. Halo Elite.
Crenshaw. She don't take crap.
She’s out of bullets though, giving the killer time enough to charge her and shove her against the weapon, impaling her. The full gown wearing killer walks away, leaving Crenshaw to die, but she instead finishes loading her gun, aims, and takes one last shot, sadly missing. Hardcore. I salute you, Crenshaw.
I guess the killer has multiple pimped out tire irons as many are being left behind.
Maggie finds the cloaked killer, asking if she is Megan. She then has to duck a Molotov cocktail that lights the front door on fire.
Rich Boy shows up. He’s dressed in a gown, Theta Leader’s gown. She accuses him of sleeping with Maggie and he shoves her through a table. “This can’t get out!” he shouts. He tackles Cass and Leader smacks him with the blunt end of the axe. When he gets up he threatens her with his father’s power like the manly man he is. Leader suggests that perhaps she’s having relations with the wrong member of the family…although she handles that sentence with different words…
Cass gets an extinguisher and smacks Rich Boy. The two head off. They enter into a room and realize the house is on fire. They are not amused. Rich Boy is apologizing as he walks down the hall. Her phone goes off giving away their position. Guess who lied about losing her phone? Sigh.
They move into a bathroom and for some reason open the shower curtain. They find a JUMP SCARE!!! It is Megan’s decomposing body. They don’t really react or care. I’m pretty sure our ever lovable Leader makes a quip. Rich Boy is near. Leader tries to listen at the door and gets smacked in the head as he tries to break in. “We aren’t leaving until we come up with a story!”
He quips that Cass’s boyfriend isn’t there to save her just as someone shoves a pipe through his Rich Skull. SURPRISE!!! It’s the boyfriend! I guess the
Cass’s Boyfriend has the specialized tire irons. Leader starts to try and talk her way out of it and he SHOVES a blade through her mouth. He then reveals that Nerd spilled the beans to him. Heh?! Are you serious?!
Anyway, he killed to protect his girl. He rants about how horrible the people were and how he was helping her “cut the cord.” He claims to have only killed people who knew, but I don’t think that Beer Tosser (I got to mention her again!) told that Doctor…He rants his explanation. It’s a bit blah, blah as he explains everything yet nothing.
How is Theta Leader dead from being stabbed in the mouth? It doesn’t even have an angle to the brain. All that “She’s evil” build for nothing? Why must you keep disappointing me, movie?
Cass plays along thanking him. He removes his blade from the former Leader and her corpse falls. He invites Cass along to help him kill the Nerd. “You did say we need to do more things together?” Boo. Just…Just Boo.
Cass tries to talk Boyfriend out of it but he declares the Nerd the weakest since she told him. I can’t really argue with him there. Anyway, Cass splits away from him to go outside while he “finishes up.” They share a kiss first. She then lies and says she told the Nerd to meet her in the basement. He heads down and she rushes to get the Nerd. They run for the exit but Boyfriend confronts them and questions his girlfriend for lying to him. She grabs something and smacks him up a bit before running. She hears Maggie screaming for help and runs.
Maggie is trapped behind a wall of fire. I’m not really sure how she got there. Cass comes up with the brilliant plan of…Jump over the flames. Daggone it…Anyway, Boyfriend’s back and everyone’s in trouble.
He puts Maggie in the “Rock and a Hard place” position by saying she can stay there or jump over and get killed. He grabs a Tire Iron Shuriken that has a rope around it and throws it at the kinda twin a couple times, recovering it afterwards. This distracts him long enough to get hit by a lamp. It doesn’t keep him down long though and he takes a swing at Cass.
.
He somehow breaks the floor and she almost falls through. Clinging on. She asks him to help her up. He admonishes her for lying to him and not telling him about Megan and does “Little Piggies” cuts to her fingers. He stops to quip…but gets interrupted by Nerd with a shotgun.
Pump Action. Fired. Impact. I take this as a win for Crenshaw. He falls backwards into the flames. The floor breaks and he falls into the basement where fires wait for him. Symbolism? Whatever.
They save Maggie and the three head to safety. And they do it with a SLOOOOOOW MOTION Hero Walk. Seriously movie? Triumphant music.
Hero Walk or Walk of Shame? You decide.
15 MONTHS LATER~! RUSH WEEK
Happy music plays. A big breasted woman gets hit with a water balloon to the jugs. Maggie is now a Theta sister, just as she promised.
One problem, the movie’s music goes tense. There is a guy holding some sort of sharp object that is probably for gardening. He clinches them angrily. He has a scar on his wrist. Would-be-rapist-obviously-a-killer is back.
END MOVIE
Sigh. Screw you movie.
The Score: 0.5 out of 5
It hurts…so bad. I’m not even sure what the half a point is for. Perhaps the mild surprise of having three survivors? Sure. I’ll live with that. Daggone it.
Look at this:
What is the point of this? Seriously? It especially doesn’t matter when the killer is revealed to be the Valedictorian boyfriend! He’s killing everyone off so that his beloved Final Girl won’t have to worry about going to jail…so what is the point of the tire iron influenced killing weapon? Wouldn’t pimping out a tire iron get you some…attention? Especially since he made MULTIPLE ones so that he could leave them as calling cards that no one besides the girls would get. How long did he have to train with that thing?
WHY?
WHY?!
WHY?!!!!!
Constructive Criticism:
You could probably write a worse movie if you tried really, really hard. That’s you’re constructive criticism. Deal with it.
Hey buddy - TR from the WC forums here...
ReplyDeleteYou know, that movie came out last September in the midst of Hollywood horror movie release peak season, and as it was based on one of the very lesser-known slasher flicks out there, I was actually kind of stoked for it. I mean, it's not like this was Freddy or Jason we were talking about; go wild, people.
And alas, it didn't come to either movie house within driving distance of me, and I was pissed. Reading that, however, makes me feel very fortunate, and I still haven't seen the film.
Much kudos on writing that, and in sitting through what sounds like an unmitigated piece of crap.