Horror Express
Here…we…go…
We open with darkness with the sound of a train coming closer. Our cast and crew is listed as the train nears. Apparently the movie stars CristopherLeePeterCushing because the duos names are just completely shoved together without a bit of space between them. Also, you may notice that Mr. Lee’s first name is missing the “h” that comes after that big “C.” Misspelling the lead actors name…that’s a bad sign.
I guess bad sign #2 is when the blaring light of the train appears, it acts like white out on the rest of the cast, making many names unreadable. I’m guessing the credits were done on the last five minutes of the last day.
Also, some names are very small text. But the movie let’s me know that Telly Savalas is portraying Captain Kazan. His notable name is a giant compared to lesser known actors.
Opening credits go two and a half minutes. It’s 1906 in China. Provincia de Szechuan. A voiceover informs us of a “true and faithful” report about an expedition. The VO reveals himself as the leader, letting us know it ended badly in so many words.
So, we follow some people around as they go throw a cave. A fake moustache on one of them is quite amusing. Unless It’s real…which would be hilarious. Anyway, Cristopher Lee stumbles onto a frozen skeleton.
Cut to some people carrying a chained box. Then we recut to Pekín Concesión Rusa. A train is being loaded and unloaded. No word on the white zone. People mingle. People carrying random stuff.
We find Cristopher complaining that he sent a letter three weeks ago to ensure he had a room. He gets brushed off. Peter Cushing arrives and chats, introducing a female archaeologist. I can’t really hear the dialogue that well.
Outside, an Asian fellow in a cowboy-ish hat stands around and asks a stereotypical Asian a question before getting the guy to walk away. Cowboy Asian unlocks the chains on the box. He smiles.
Inside, Cushing confirms his two rooms, flashing some cash to ensure the 2nd one.
Stereotypical Asian returns and finds Cowboy Asian dead. His eyes pure white. Not smiling any more.
Inside, a grumpy Cripstoper stiff arms shoves some stuff off a table. A few soldiers appear, but they know and respect Lee…so suddenly a room on the train opens for him.
Outside, someone is chanting for dead Cowboy Asian. A local constable tells them to stop chanting for a thief, stating CA was a renowned lock picker. Chanter points out CA’s white eyes, stating he was “blind.” The cop then says that CA could spot a cop a mile a way. At least, I assume that’s what he said because I rewound this part multiple times and it truly sounded like the man was saying “He could f*** a policeman a mile away.” Do I have a terrible mind?
Anyway, cop walks over and sees the white eyes. A shocking sight. Chanter declares it the work of the devil and then tries to open the unlocked box. Cristopher shows up and stops him since it is his box. Chanter declares the contents unholy and needing of destruction.
Constable Exposition asks what is in the box. “Fossils,” is the reply. He then seriously asks “What is a fossil?” Cristopher replies, “A stone.” Chanter is astonished. Lee continues and explains that the box is holding a laboratory specimen, nothing of value to a thief.
Chanter talks about the cross, mentions that Satan is evil, and then tries to draw a cross on the box with chalk. The cross doesn’t appear. Cristopher verbally brushes it off and some no name characters load it onto the train while Chanter crosses himself.
On the train, the box is re-chained. A growl emits from it and Lee unlocks the lock. Slowly opens it. We see the artifact is the frozen head from earlier. He shuts the door to the artifact. With that revealed, the train kicks into gear and goes.
Cushing asks about the box, but Lee smarts off at him. A woman with a dog enters, asking if there is a place to put the little doggie. Yep. Anyway, she introduces herself and asks Lee about the crate. He says it holds nothing that would interest a lady. The dog doesn’t like him. Whines and barks during their conversation. She wonders about the box, but he blocks her and offers to walk her back to the cabin. She takes the dog with her. Okay…
Lee finds…a small white object while walking. It’s part of a chess set. He opens the nearest door and finds a man, “I’m an engineer. A scientist.” He gives the man the chess piece (Yes, he was the one who lost it) and gets irritated when the man points out the chalk used by chanter on the box should have worked.
In the box car, Cushing slips some money to the Porter asking him to look in the box. Later Cushing is in his room and a lady slips in and asks for help.
.
Back on the train, Lee is looking for his room, walks in the wrong one and meets a gray haired lady who tells him his place is next door.
Lee walks in to find Cushing and Lady (Not dog lady). Lee power plays and reveals that the ticket he forced out of the worker was the top bunk of Cushing’s room. Cushing isn’t really happy considering he paid for both so he could be alone (I would totally do that). Since he’s there, though, Cushing asks for Lee’s help with this new woman. She doesn’t have a ticket but needs the train ride.
Lee shrugs it off and takes the top bunk. The lady takes the bottom. Poor Peter.
The Porter picks the lock to the box. Whistling while he works. He opens part of it but then sees/hears something and walks away. No clue why. A decayed hand reaches out and grabs some chains. Grabs the lock. Reaches for something else. Gets a piece of metal and jimmies it. Impressive stuff for a monster.
Porter returns with a lamp. Guess he couldn’t see. He sees the…thing. It has the traditionally evil red eyes that stare at him. His eyes go white. The screen goes blurry. He falls to the ground looking like our poor departed CA.
The Monster whistles while escaping.
Elsewhere, Chanter is on the train and is roomed with the dog owner and…some guy. Yes, Dog is there, too. She asks him what dress she should wear to a ball, mocking his worries about the train and their souls. Apparently, he works for both of them. The girl is a countess.
We hear the Monster’s whistle. Like a siren’s call. Countess beams at the sound. She plays a piano that is on the train for some reason.
Lee goes back to the boxcar. Discovered the box broken into (out of?). Cushing followed. They have no clue what is going on. The Porter is only listed as “Missing” at the moment. An Inspector wants to know what is in the box. “It’s of no concern of yours.” Wrong answer. Inspector has someone start bashing it open as Lee looks on with concern.
The lock is broken by some heavy blows. The door opened and…
White eyed Porter is inside. The shock of this discovery gets Lee talking. “What was in there?” “A fossil. Part ape, part man. It lived two million years ago.” Shockingly enough, Cushing doesn’t believe that the fossil came to life, killed, and then cleaned up. Lee is taken into custody.
“Find whatever it is, and destroy it!” Inspector instructs. Cristopher seems to be the “If it’s alive, we shouldn’t kill it” guy that these movies usually have.
Our train soldiers walk. Check a room. Sleeping kids. They walk on. The decayed arm from earlier is seen emerging from the shadows. Train Soldiers are bad at hide and seek. We get a darkened close-up of the face. It’s the same from the frozen part at the beginning of the movie, but not blue. Anti-climatic-ish. Anyway, it doesn’t kill the kids.
A Train Soldier walks by himself. I guess I can call him Fodder. Another soldier enters a room and gets jumped by the creature. Fodder rushes to action. He cocks his shotgun and walks through a very dark hallway with no back up. Well trained, I’m sure. He finds his dead friend, eyes whitened, along with a door propped open.
Elsewhere, Cushing and the woman needing help are having dinner. The Chess Nerd appears and says that he has met FA before. She snubs him. He stays at the table anyway. A fish is brought to the table. Its eye is white.
When Cushing brings this up, Chess Nerd states, “Of course, it’s boiled!” Okay. Not too forced, so I’ll accept it. Thank goodness they weren’t having chicken.
Inspector arrives and asks if Cushing is a doctor. Yeah. Cushing wants to eat his dinner first, so Inspector blabs about the dead soldier right in front of the other two. He wants to know the cause of death. Cushing excuses himself and asks if the “Fossil” is still around. They assume it jumped out the opened door. Well, then this movie wouldn’t be called Horror Express, now would it.
Anyway, Cushing beckons help from female archaeologist. She makes a joke about him and the young lady. He gets her to come along for the autopsy.
Cut to dead soldier with white eyes. Cushing begins. Meanwhile, Help seeking lady shows up at Lee’s cabin. No clue why.
Cushing gets a handsaw and starts cutting Dead Soldier’s head. As he does this, we get Lady asking Cristopher if he’s upset about losing his box of bones. This irritates him as the find could have solved many of life’s riddles. Yeah, I’m sure.
The Lady calls evolution immoral. Lee calls it a fact. We then somehow to jump to her bringing up the dead men and how Cristopher doesn’t care. He still doesn’t.
Cushing gets the top of the head off. The brain is “as smooth as a baby’s bottom” according to Female Arch. So we get some exposition about how the memory and such has been removed. Explains the whistling. I liked it better when I thought the Apeman picked it up on it’s on. And apparently they’re done.
We cut elsewhere to show that the Apeman is still around. Sneaks in and checks the autopsied body. Mysterious Lady walks around. I really don’t have a clue at the moment. She goes to a room, just happens to be the autopsy room and starts picking a lock on a safe. So, she’s a thief, too?
She hears something and ignores it. The movie ruins suspense by showing the monster is there. She opens the safe and takes something out. Turns around and, shockingly enough, the monster is there. She gets boiled via red eyes.
An undeterminable amount of time later, Cushing has noticed she is missing and goes looking. She isn’t in her room.
Elsewhere, Apeman looks at the thing she stole. Cushing walks in on this and gets attacked. Inspector shows up and shoots one of the thing’s eyes out. It stares with its one good eye, but he mans up and shoots at it before collapsing. Train Soldiers and Lee arrive. They find the lady.
Later, the Inspector wakes up. He is in bed and when he looks under the covers a dramatic tone goes off. Unintentionally hilarious. Cristopher appears and says the Engineer Chess Player recognized Lady as a spy. O…kay. And Inspector KNEW?
Anyway, Lee reveals she was autopsied and had a smooth brain as well. Lee theorizes that the “creature you killed” absorbed people’s brains through the eyes, making it smarter. “What was the creature looking for?” “We’ll never know cause it’s dead.” Lee is such a jerk.
Someone walks in and hands Inspector the item that was being stolen. It belongs to the Count. So we go to him (Chanter in the room) and he reveals he has a way of making “Steel, harder than a diamond.” But he doesn’t care if it is stolen because the formula is safely tucked in his brain. Uh…oh.
Chanter claims the creature is still alive. Compares it to Satan and says it is among us. Inspector doesn’t approve. A picture of Jesus falls off the wall. Yeah, Chanter is going to focus on that.
So, we’re back to another autopsy, checking eye fluid. Inside it…is the Inspector? “The last thing the creature saw!” “It’s brain is in the eye itself!” O…kay? Elsewhere, something is checking the bodies. Back in science land, they check more fluid and see pictures of dinosaurs. This is hilarious to me.
Meanwhile, the Countess is alone and spooked by noises. She sneaks in and hears Cushing say “It can only be the Earth seen from space!” So, it is an alien.
Countess asks about “The evolution you were talking about,” so Lee tells her to look. She does and then calls in Chanter to look. He freaks out. “On the second day, he created the Earth…” Lee shows him the eye. This leads to more fun.
“The eye of Satan!”
“Nonsense. There is a scientific explanation.”
“You know it?”
.
“…No.”
Chanter talks about how before Satan was kicked from Heaven, he looked down upon the Earth. The lights go out momentarily, so Chanter grabs the eye and runs. A nice adult game of Hide and Seek begins.
Female Arch checks the baggage/box car/autopsy room. Chanter is there but hiding. Inspector sneaks up behind her. She offers him 1000 rubbles if he finds the eye. She explains that it contains pictures of the Earth. He asks who else has seen these pictures and once she reveals it…SURPRISE, he has an Apeman hand!
So, she gets boiled. I guess Apeman jumped over to Inspector’s brain. At least we know what he was hiding under the covers now, along with who was inspecting the dead bodies earlier. They are really happy with their boiling effect, because they’ve shown it everytime. It is nice.
“Have pity,” begs Chanter giving him the eye. The eye gets thrown into a nearby fire. “Are you going to kill me?” gets the reply of “Fool, there is nothing of use in your head.”
Anyway, the rest of the crew arrives. ApeInspector shows them that “There has been another murder.” Cut to people complaining to stop the train so they can get off the train. Inspector threatens to shoot anyone who tries to get off the train. Vincent Price would’ve been awesome for this role.
Anyway, he remembers the names Female Arch gave and sees them. Inspector asks a question to Lee who states he doesn’t know but has asked someone to stop the train at the next stop. Guess he missed the announcement. Anyway, ApeInspector goes and kills the guy Lee talked to.
Chanter appears. “Tell me who you are. Tell me. I will serve you.” Geez. What a turncoat. Inspector ignores him.
Back at the eating car, Lee and crew get the idea to inspect eyes. Chess Nerd steps forward suggesting they look for radioactive waves. Apparently, the Engineer keeps up with science. Cristopher decrees that the train go on the buddy system.
Therefore, the next scene, he is by himself. He discovers the man he talked to missing and his note crumpled, so he sends a message himself. “The train will be here in exactly 14 minutes.”
This news wakes up a nearby force of awesome. You know him as Telly Savalas. The Telegram man accidentally insults Savalas. He shouts to his soldiers to get ready and then addresses the man. “Just because I believe in God doesn’t mean I like to be made a fool of.”
Back on the train, “Inspector” goes to see the Engineer. He asks if Chess Nerd knows how to “overcome gravity.” “Not yet, but any day now,” is the reply. Apparently, the main guy working on this was Engineer’s teacher. “Like a father to me.” That bit of info earns him a one-way trip to white eye town.
With that out of the way, ApeInspector goes after Cristopher Lee. We get the fill-in info that the space creature took over the body on an animal and that the creature moved into another body. ApeInspector congratulates Lee on his findings but reminds him he doesn’t know whose body the monster jumped into. Cushing shows up with a gun. They’re buddy’d up, apparently.
ApeInspector goes to instill doubt by asking how they know one another is not the monster. “Monster? I’m British!” is the reply from Cushing. Nice.
Anyway, we find Dead Chess Nerd. “You must have seen something!” the lady who shared the room with him was asleep. She says the lights were off, which apparently tips off “Darkness reveals the eyes.” Lee is an awesome Detective with these deductions.
Chanter returns and leads Inspector to The Count. Count says the steel gets stronger the higher temperature goes. “What about 10 or 12,000 degrees.” “Where on Earth would you get such temperatures?” “Nowhere on Earth.” Dun. Dun. Dunnnnnnnn.
Suddenly, the train stops. Enter Savalas and Crew. And away they go again. People are rather ticked they didn’t get to leave the train. Countess enters. “The Czar will hear of this! I will have you sent to
A lady points out the Inspector as the reason they couldn’t get off the train. So Telly takes the man’s gun. “Everyone’s under arrest!” declares pre-Kojak.
“You English believe of free speech don’t you?” Telly doesn’t wait for a response before elbowing Lee in the ribs. The Inspector apparently has a “good Russian name.” Telly goes to bully Inspector. Chanter calls him a fool and threatens to curse Savalas’s troops. Telly kisses Chanter’s cross and proceeds to whip him with…a whip.
Telly asks Inspector why Chanter was trying to protect him. This tips off Lee who sneaks and turns off the lights. Boom, everyone sees the red. Inspector lashes out and cuts a random soldier.
Savalas underhand throws a knife into Inspector’s back and then guns him down. Who loves you, baby? Seeing a chance to sacrifice himself, Chanter rushes out and offers his body to the Creature.
Because he doesn’t take crap, Telly says that if anything comes back through the door Chanter ran out, to shoot it without prejudice. We then see Chanter get his wish. Alien Chanter cuts the lights, so Savalas’s crew just opens fire at the door.
They stop and wait. Wait. GET FLANKED. Random Soldiers gets insta-boiled as Alien Chanter works his way through the crew. One even throws out a Wilhelm scream.
Realizing that Alien Chanter can only kill in the dark, Lee crafts a flashlight.
Going down with a fight, Savalas rushes Alien Chanter. Gets knocked down. Grabs a sword…but doesn’t get to use it. Now I’m sad.
Lee and Cushing arrive to find the dead bodies. Lee tells Cushing to go help the others. Not sure with what. Anyway, Cristopher is heading for a showdown.
Alien Chanter returns to Count’s room. Starts talking about how the Count embarrassed Chanter even though Chanter truly did care about them. Anyway, lights out and down goes the Count. And with him, the recipe for super steel.
Countess is about to get boiled when Lee arrives. “I am a form of energy…in this shell.” He’s from another galaxy, but he was left behind by accident. He’s demented ET apparently. “The history of your planet is part of me. Pull the trigger and you end it.”
Lee stops to talk since he cares so much about the history. “I will teach you to end disease, hunger.” Lee cocks the gun, apparently not caring about Ethiopians. But Alien Chanter pulls the ace from his sleeve, bringing all is boiled victims back to half-life. Zombies?
Half-Life Count distracts Lee enough for the flashlight to ge broke. So, Lee and Countess make a break for it. Have to fight through the soldiers and assorted white-eyed victims. Lee takes Savalas’s sword and goes to work. Manly.
We get quick cuts of everything. Rising white eyes. Chanter. Lee. Countess. Cushing. Lee and Countess arrive to the cart. After which, They look to disconnect their car…or perhaps the other car. One way or the other, they’re looking for separation.
Meanwhile, a telegram tells the upcoming station to stop the train at the switching point. Something that would result in the death of all on board. They do it because “It might be war.” Wow. Okay.
So, Lee and Cushing get the card to disconnect and it slows while the main train keeps going. It hits the switching point which leads to it taking tracks that lead it over a cliff. Alien Chanter screams. The train hits the bottom and explodes. So, everyone else lives while white-eye crew and Alien bite the dust.
We hear the whistling for a second, but it is just to lead to the end music. We see the train burning at the bottom of the cliff. We zoom out to a look at planet Earth.
The End.
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