Shoot or be Shot

Mind to Mouth:

Shoot or be Shot

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A comedy! I like those, too. And it has William Shatner of TJ Hooker fame. I like him despite the fact I’ve barely watched any of his sci-fi work. Although, I did enjoy when he hosted Full Moon Fright Night on the Sci-Fi channel (before they were Syfy). I do suppose I should get on with this…

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Here…we…go…

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Our name actors are listed while sounds of a pencil writing is heard. Yes, I recognize the sound and don’t have subtitles on at all. William Shatner is listed last in a “Save the…”situation.

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Cut to Shatner thanking an institution for all of their hard work in helping him mature and speaking very distinguished. I suppose the joke is that he’s talking politely and nicely like a professor and he’s actually insane. He asks for his release so he can go make a movie since films are a great way to reach the people.

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We reveal that he’s crazy. Score one for the DVD cover. His suit is actually a patient uniform with a jacket and tie. He is denied his release and we get a…music video introduction.

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It shows clips that will most likely happen later in the movie while presenting Shater as “The Writer.” Some guy with brown hair who seems to have a penchant for shooting a gun in the air is “The Producer.” Some woman who breaks a bottle inbetween shots of her looking pretty is “The Actor.” Some guy who looks like Dax Shepard if he was somehow skinnier is “The Director.” This whole thing feels pointless.

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Cut to the director reviewing his movie which follows a very stereotypical Rabbi being stalked by a very stereotypical Neo-Nazi. Somewhere, Spielberg smiles and hugs his Oscar.

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Director’s mom appears to say that Miramax has no interest in his 52-minute movie. Mini-Dax says he could make it longer. On the movie, Rabbi and Nazi meet and smile at each other before hugging. “It’s about saying no to violence.” His mom nicely points out that is a message, not a story. Owned.

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Mini-Dax attempts to explain why it’s okay that no one wants to watch his movies, ending with him saying he figures that his mom will continue to support him until success. Cut to her forcing him out the door and telling him he’ll thank her later.

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Meanwhile, Shatner has escaped, because no walls can contain him or his awesomeness (or ego depending on which actor you talk to). He brought his script along with him.

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Cut to a restaurant where we re-meet Producer and Actor. He stares at another woman while not paying attention to Actor. Actor asks why Producer hasn’t told his wife about the two of them. Actor is Heidi. Producer is Jack.

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They quibble. She says he used her. He says she used him. They’re both right and the most likeable character so far is crazy Shatner. Anyway, she tells him he’s unreliable, he scoffs and then realizes he forgot his wallet.

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Cut to a goofy action movie. The same one the power couple was arguing over. The musclehead main actor chomps on the scenery. Anyway, we watch some more of this crappy movie and then a maid appears, asking for Producer’s garbage. He asks her for her opinion and she bashes them. The only thing she likes is that they’re short. “Remind me to fire you sometime.”

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Elsewhere, Mini-Dax shows his horrible black and white movie to his friends who fake compliment the film. One friend brings up the Producer, having worked for him on a crappy action movie. Director isn’t very happy with the idea, but he does need money.

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In the dark of night, Shatner has found a car. The owners are camping out nearby. He finds a gun in the backseat, along with the keys. And away he goes. The owners notice, but they’re too wasted to do anything. Shatner turns on the radio, but quickly turns it off when Heavy Metal plays.

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Actor gets a call from the maid who apparently likes her acting. Producer is starting to do independent movies to have a better image. Of course, they just had that argument, so good luck getting hired, Heidi.

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Shatner arrives at a store and uses a payphone to get a number for an agent. He and the store owner discuss writing. Owner’s wife disapproves, so Shatner gives an inspirational speech. This leads up to Shatner robbing the place, which, I admit, made me laugh.

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Actor gets her friend to scale the roof beside Producer’s building since she can’t afford a bug and wants to know what’s going on. They have some sort of film equipment for their low-grade spying.

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Shatner hears a report about his escape, which calls him insane. “I’m not insane! I’m a writer!”

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Back at Producer’s, Mini-Dax has arrived. Lupe complains about her pay, stirs tea with the handle of her duster. Actor and Friend listen in. Friend is a lip reader. Producer and Director discuss what the movie could be about. Mini-Dax suggests a movie with a message against violence. Oh boy…

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Anyway, Produer is happy because that means they can “Show” why violence is bad in detail. Producer asks when Director can have the script. Director doesn’t have one so he rambles about how great it would be to film a movie with no script so everything is natural. Producer doesn’t care as women with big breasts are involved.

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Cut to casting. A woman goes to take her top off, but Producer stops her. She ends up asking about a script and then leaves when she hears there isn’t one. Then, a big muscled guy attaches a weight to his tongue and swings it around. Next is a woman who gives a line and the guys are quite happy. Then her feminine voice goes masculine as she asks to try the scene again and they shoo her out. “Nice legs, though” states Director’s friend.

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Meanwhile, Actor has her “trademark” hair cut and dyed off to better disguise herself for audition. They give her fake tattoos and piercings while taking shots. I don’t know if it is supposed to be funny. This change was already spoiled by the opening intro video.

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On the side of the road, Shatner has found another payphone and calls for an agent who has sense left the company. So he asks for other agents names so he can send them his script. The secretary apologizes because they don’t accept unsolicited material. Cue a quote I’m sure has been said numerous times by numerous writers, “If I could solicit my own material, I wouldn’t need an agent!”

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Back at auditions, a nervous guy enters. He has no experience whatsoever and that’s it. That joke falls flat with me. A deaf man gives a dirty monologue and reveals he has a piercing in his penis. Sigh.

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Producer, tired of horrible auditions, flips out, rants, and leaves. Actor was next in line. She enters to audition. Fake name and resume. Thanks to her spying, she knows the right things to say. Mini-Dax is in love…I think.

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Anyway, cut Producer, Director, and Dax’s Friend driving along discussing the film. Nothing relevant. Producer has the motel ready for them On the side of the road, Shatner is making another call. Points out he has years of writing experience…for instruction manuals. He gets hung up on.

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In the car, Producer has a gun in the dashboard. Violence hating Director is not happy, asks if it’s loaded. Producer shows him by shooting randomly in the air. Shatner hears. Anyway, motel owner and Producer talk. No AC in any rooms. Apparently, owner doesn’t want to move too fast. They explain the movie to the owner. Producer uses Candid Camera as an example. He agrees not to spoil it to anyone.

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Someone talks with the owner after they leave and Shatner hears that a movie is being made. Cut to the crew arriving. No clue where they found the other actors. Actor’s lip reading friend crushes on another actor. A guy who rode in on a motorcycle. Okay…

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Elsewhere, an RV loaded and riding down the road. Producer got a discount by taking one with no AC. Lipreader flirts with Motorcycle Guy. I think it is supposed to be funny. He discusses fingernails. I don’t know…

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Meanwhile, Actor continues her fake story to Director. Mini-Dax’s crush develops deeper. The driver sees a roadblock. A cop stops them. He mentions crazy Shatner. When it is revealed that they’re a movie crew, cop asks what the movie is about. Director explains that it’s about destructive impulses and how they have to be kept in check. Cop points out that is a theme, not a story. Owned again, Mini-Dax. “I guess it would be real hard work to come up with a story.” We get another good line from the cop and we move on.

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At the motel, Producer sees the Driver’s sunglasses and takes them. He had an Air Conditioner brought for his room. Nice.

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Lipreader and Motorcycle Guy continue their…funny…scenes. He describes how he likes standing naked in his room to deal with heat as she gets turned on.

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Actor takes a jog. Mini-Dax stands around in his boxers and then reads a book. She returns and takes a skinny dip in the pool. Director hides behind a chair to watch her. Seriously. Piano music plays during this. When she finishes, he dives back to his original chair with his book. She walks over and gives away that she knew. This is…endearing?

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He reveals his worries. Says he’s a coward for not trying to write a movie, sticking to his adlib stories. She is polite to him, still using the lip reading knowledge. He finally admits he was watching. She knew. Duh. He says she was beautiful. Smile and Goodnight. Is this scene not over yet?

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Somewhere nearby, Shater watches through binoculars.

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Cut to Actor showing off a very attractive dress to Director. Flirting interrupted by Lipreader.

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Actor and Motorcycle Guy start their scene with their car “stopping.” The co-worker at the motel begins talking with them, but sees the camera, so he keeps looking at it. He does a commercial in-between their dialogue.

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The actors end up in a fight with the co-worker. The whole thing is ridiculous in both good and bad ways. Shatner watches from…somewhere. The camera’s battery dies. Murphy’s Law strikes again.

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Next day. Director goes to Actor’s room. He has noticed she is avoiding Jack. She talks out of it. He apologizes for tackling her off of Co-Worker.

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Cut to Director and Producer jogging and chatting. Director wants to dress the actors as Buddhists and send them to an NRA meeting. Producer decides they should focus on the highway and the accidents that occur on them. This is surprisingly deep for the guy who started the movie with action movies that Steven Seagal wouldn’t sign on for.

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Anyway, cut to the night, they’ve set up a fake accident. Shatner arrives. Motorcycle Guy overacts. Shatner goes to Actor, and squeezes her breast while dropping a monologue about life being ended. “Too bad I’m not into Necrophilia…” This gets the Director out, just as he wanted.

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Shatner has picked up plenty and picks on Actor and Director, pointing out how she is using him. Of course, he has his gun and fires off a round. He separates Lipreader and Motorcycle Guy, makes her drive the second unit car to make sure they won’t bolt (or else MG eats a bullet). MG is forced to drive and asks where they’re going. So Shatner shoots the windshield and tells him to follow the hole.

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Our escaped patient reveals he’s cancelling their movie and they’ll now be working on his. He then proceeds to own the director just like everyone else. Producer refuses to make a movie unless he’s passionate about it, so Shatner points the gun at him. Who saw that coming?

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We cut to later. Actor is angry at Director since he tried to talk down Shatner instead of fighting. Shatner shushes them so that Producer can focus. Producer begs for a bathroom break and uses his cell phone to call the police. Shatner shoots the bathroom door and takes his phone.

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Shatner calls his mom. She wants to know if he’ll get Paul Newman to star. Anyway, MG stops suddenly to avoid hitting a turtle. The script falls, so Director pours some alcohol on it and holds it ransom with a lighter. It fails. He gets punched. They fight. Shatner wins and pokes a cigar to his head. This causes Actor to scream and Producer remembers her. And that’s revealed.

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Shatner talks about how their whole relationship was a lie. She says he has no business. He agrees, but he has a gun so he can say what he wants. Producer says he suspected earlier but her acting was good so he let it go. This makes her happy.

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Producer finishes the script. He says he liked it but has notes. Shatner rejects any notes, but finally relents to one. Suggests the main character not be a travelling salesman. Perhaps a test pilot instead. Shatner doesn’t take this well.

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The motel owner has been tied up and is being forced to watch Producer’s earlier horrible movie. Shatner intimidates Lipreader after she speaks out. Freaks out about all the VCR players and other like things that have clocks that people never seem to set despite the fact that the manual explains how to set it. Shatner does crazy well. Anyway, they agree to do the movie since he still has the gun.

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Director complains he hasn’t got to read the script yet and talks about how he has to figure out how each scene related. Shatner verbally smacks him as “The man who stages accident scenes and calls it filmmaking.” Shatner then compliments him for protecting the script’s integrity. Crazy, you know. Director tries to power play, saying he’s going to his trailer, but Shatner roughs him up.

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Director then recaps the movie in a rant about al the bad things happening to him and asks for Shatner to shoot him. Shatner agrees, but is stopped by Actor. Director insults her and she goes to the RV. Shatner decides to help by shooting him, but he begs not to die this time. “I’m getting tired of your whiny outbursts.” Me too, Bill.

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Director asks to go talk to Actor. Shatner agrees as long has he shaves off a hair lip goatee he’s been sporting. Director does so. He doesn’t look as much like Dax Sheppard to me anymore. Weird. Anyway, Director and Actor make up. By the numbers stuff including the “start over reintroduction” thing.

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They then discuss crazy Shatner and Director decides to make a break for Producer’s car to get the gun in the dash. She tags aong. Director almost immediately sets off the car alarm. “That’s funny…if it wasn’t pathetic.” Shatner owns. But, being crazy and all, wastes his bullets.

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She walks Director through the process of firing a gun. He misses horribly. Elsewhere, Motorcycle Guy professes an attraction to Lipreader. Her hearing aid isn’t working though.

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I have no clue how many bullets Shatner has, but he’s sending them off. I swear he’s fired at least 50 rounds. He pins down our heroic duo. Elsewhere, the motel owner is so irritated by the movie that he powers out of his duct tape binds. Immediately goes for his large collection of guns. I guess that’s where the money he could have used on AC went.

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Shatner fires and dives through a window. Director follows. It’s a trap and Shatner is ready to shoot when he appears, butt owner appears with an automatic rifle, scaring Shatner off.

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Inside the motel room, the shower came on and doused Director. Funny? Sure, why not. Shater sneaks to the top of the roof and shoots at them. Actor dives in front of the bullet and Shatner freaks out about hurting someone. He apologizes and immediately surrenders. Motel Owner still shoots at him. Misses horribly.

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“It was going to be a love story” laments Shatner to the cop as he’s taken away. Deputy is reading the script and says that it is really amazing. Cop takes the script and throws it out the window. It hits the truck behind them and figuratively explodes into numerous pages. Shatner screams a “Nooooooooooooo!”

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And, epilogue. We see a newspaper clipping, or whatever it is they have that reports about movies. “Renegade Filmakers Strike Gold.” Notices that I typed Filmakers. That’s their typo. Not mine. When pausing the movie, the story on the side is actually about the Tom Hanks movie, Cast Away. Now THAT’S funny.

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We then see a brief clip of the trailer for the movie they filmed, which is mostly Shatner shooting.

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Another newspaper thing. “New Kid in Town: CAA Signs Steinman!” Again, the actual story different, but this time is blurry so it’s not obvious..

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Producer is out with the Maid. His wife is divorcing him. Rather obvious where that is going. They clink glasses and smile at each other.

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Director is at his computer writing and Actor announces she got a part. She seduces him away from the computer.

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Shatner is back in the crazy bin, straight jacketed. He talks about the next movie he plans on working on. When the docs leave, he sees they dropped a pen, so we get some comedy of him trying to grab it and write out his thoughts onto a roll of tissue paper. It goes as well as you would expect. He drops some “S” bombs. Not sure if it is ironic with him using the toilet paper. Anyway, he writes “Fade…in.” and we fade out.

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In the credits, they actually have a song they wrote called “Shoot or be Shot.” Very nice.

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The End.

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Rating 2.5 out of 5.

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It has some funny moments, although some parts fall flat. Shatner seems to have fun and the other actors do well. It’s far from perfect, but a nice little time filler.

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Random Rant:

The back cover states, “Armed with a pistol he doesn’t quite know how to shoot, [Shatner] commandeers a film production…” He knows how to work the pistol just fine. Uses it repeatally. Defies the laws of reality by never reloading but shooting at least 50 shots. Director is the one who doesn’t know how to use the gun. Yeah, I just wanted to point that out, because lying is wrong.