Apparently, after the Rock turned into Mutant X (Victor Webster), things went downhill fast, including his entire kingdom dying. Everyone. I'm meaning even stock footage Kelly Hu (Tastefully covered completely with a cloth when actual movie footage was needed).
So he becomes a Mercenary that gets hired by King Ron Perlman.
Meanwhile, Billy Zane plans to be evil because he's evil and kill King Ron Perlman. Plus Evil Billy Zane plans to evilly steal the Book of the Dead.
Apparently it's a suicide mission. How is this a "Suicide mission"? Oh heck with it.
Scorp gives King Ron the head of a military adviser. "He didn't seem to have a head for battle." Scorpion King sure is joke-y for a man with deep internal grief. So, King Ron gives him some exposition.
Scorp smirks, "The Gods will curse my passing and I welcome it." I guess that's one way to foreshadow.
Hello, Little John character. Who is also cracking jokes and acting like a big dumb comedic relief character. Complete with burping and random punching. "I SMELL LIKE A WARRIOR!" He won't shut up. I'm up to a burp count of 2. They're having a hair conversation. Seriously. Thus they have the "We fight in order to become friends" scene.
Random thieves try to rob them, but they're too busy fighting. So they leave. WITH THEIR HORSES. "Easiest robbing in years." WHY ARE THERE SO MANY JOKES! WHY MUST THEY QUIP EVERY SIX SECONDS. Yes, they tracked down the robbers and beat them up. Set one on fire who runs away, obviously. "At least you'll be able to see where you're going!"
Comic Relief Little John has 17 daughters according to dialogue. Is that funny? Oh, and Scorp gets grumpy when asked about his past. So, there is that NEVER ENDING INTERNAL PAIN!
They wake up to find a Tiger. Oh hai, Tiger. "Don't run." "I'M RUNNING!"
Meanwhile, King Ron gets more exposition. More references to the other films.
Billy Zane gets an evil scene with a random character by RIPPING HIS EAR OFF...AND MAKING A JOKE ABOUT "Might you hear me now?!" Daggone. Anyone, he's going to attack something.
Burp Count: 3.
Book Defender gets a speech. And cheers. Good for him. Time for an action scene. Flaming Arrows abound. Meanwhile from Little John, "I smell delicious."
EXPLOSION. There's your budget. After watching people being brutally exploded, Scorp and Little John join the party. Of course, cracking jokes along skulls.
ELEPHANT WARFARE!
Book Defender takes time to whine about the King not sending help since he has not seen Scorp yet.
THEY KILLED THE ELEPHANTS! FREAKING EVIL HENCHMEN!
Scorp and Little John use their knowledge of battle formations to set a fire trap. Wipe out the baddies nicely. Book Defender is happy.
They are introduced as "Arcadian and...This Guy." Please stop. The fact that there are only two, surprises Book Defender. Sidenote: There is no gold.
Everyone draws their swords except Little John because he's dumb. I hope the explanation is "We spent it on the Elephant." Book Defender offers a painting. The Ugliest daggone painting I have ever seen. MORE HUMOR. Little John loves it. MORE HUMOR! It's Book Defender's daughter and he offers her to Scorp. HUMOR!!!!
She's wearing a very important medallion. Burp Count: 4. Apparently, the daughter was kidnapped. So...go get her, Scorp. Little John finds it funny You and a princess?!" Subtle.
Meanwhile, Evil Billy Zane cracks joke about how horrible a shot his guards are while giggling with concubines. Also, he has the kidnapped girl who looks nothing like her painting.
Cut to King Ron owning people with sword skills. Practice, I suppose. More exposition is awarded to the viewers.
The elite two man squad of Scorp and Burp sneak up on Evil Billy Zane's Evil Camp. Burp Count: 5
A messenger brings Evil Billy Zane news of Scorp's defeat of his team. Assumes that "Cobra" assisted. Evil Billy Zane has the messenger killed. Ho-ho-ho.
So, a battle starts and we have more elephants to remind us the film was made in Thailand. We slo-mo a lot of this. And then a catapult flings fire at the NotEvil troops. Nice slo-mo shot of a fireball behind a trumpeting elephant. While Evil Billy Zane wipes out the troops, Scorp finds the princess and a fight scene.
Apparently, Cobra sent guards to take her. Scorp and Burp pursue. Evil Billy Zane randomly decides to visit her during the battle and discovers her gone.
Our Hero is bested in a sword fight with Cobra's henchninjas. One cuts him and I guess makes him mad, so he uses slomo to defeat them. But they rally and knock him down long enough to run. Escape on elephant.
Evil Billy Zane notices Scorp fighting, is impressed, and hires him to go get the girl, kill the Cobra.
Pee joke. Since he's peeing in their water supply, a ninja pops out of the water and kicks Burp in the crotch. So they're besieged by a dozen or so ninjas and defeated after various slo mo actions. The ninjas use their wire-fu to jump up trees, leaving Scorp with three to battle. I think we can safely assume that the princess is the Cobra.
Scorp beats up the three ninjas on him while Burp has success in random cuts. I think it's suppose to be a running joke that they keep knocking him into water. Scorp catches Cobra. Tears off the mask. Oh hai, Princess. Surprised, she twirls and KOs him.
She blows the news on Scorp being Scorp. "She heard about you from a fairy tale!" Thanks Burp. Bringing up his past is a no-no, so Scorp gets grumpy and leaves. Burp doesn't believe it.
Randomly cut to Evil Billy Zane having his troops attack the guy Scorp saved earlier. He can apparently see the fight in his telescope. Also, those catapults are long range AND DAGGONE IT, STOP SHOWING ME DEAD ELEPHANTS
Evil Billy Zane gets the Book of the Dead. Can read it with the medallion the princess had. Zane cracks a joke so bad that not even the cast laughs at it. Hits the book defender and takes him hostage so his Cobra Daughter can save him later.
Meanwhile, Scorp flashes back to ruining and entire kingdom. Cobra appears and they talk. He doesn't want to help because he failed one group of people and doesn't want to fail another. She talks him into it via fortune cookie nonsense.
Cut to Burp complaining to Scorp. Burp calls him 'Your highness' and we get a "I'll cut off your penis" joke. "You're going to need a bigger dagger." I'm weeping.
Cut to Cobra's crew trying to retrain Burp. He's shown himself to be a decent fighter, but of course he's now a klutz and runs headfirst into a dummy. Somehow, Scorp gets into a spar with the princess. "I don't know whose hair is prettier." Shut up, Burp.
Again, Scorp is over confident so she embarrasses him. She kicks him in the rib and quips about 'taking your breath away' Ugh. Anyway, Scorp and her are obivously crushing on each other. Good to see he's over the dead Kelly Hu.
Meanwhile, Evil Billy Zane reads the book and a hammer wielding Kimbo Slice with glowing eyes appears . Take that as you will. He reads it again. Oh hai Former WWE star Dave Batista. He reads it again and gets...an attractive Asian lady. Save the best for last. He has the three mini-video game bosses kill the troops he has with him.
Sends Kimbo and gal to go kill Cobra kai. Or just Cobra, either or.
Scorp and Burp share a scene. Burp had a vision of a massacre. Random. Takes his visions very seriously. They share a handshake. Cut scene over, we commence a boss battle.
Kimbo looks like an extreme version of Saba Simba. Kills some ninjas.
Asian lady has a forcefield and uses it to block attacks from Scorp and Burp.
Kimbo's hammer just lit on fire. He kills some ninjas with it. Allows them to attack him and no sells it. Scorp arrives. This somehow changes the tone. Scorp closelines Kimbo off a cliff. Ninjas use their wire ability and string up Kimbo. No, seriously. They tie rope to his legs and arms and suspend him in air.
Then Scorp takes the fire hammer and spits...I guess alcohol onto it, unleashing a big breath of fire that takes out Kimbo. Paycheck, complete.
Evil Billy Zane insults Asian Lady and Batista. Calls them slaves which doesn't make Dave very happy. Zane walks out of the room shouting "Slave" over and over before randomly singing it. Also, he declared a celebration for some reason.
Another "I have a plan" scene with Scorp. They ride up to the celebration with Princess tied up. Evil Billy Zane is happy. Announces a wedding. Announces he's going to sleep with her now and instead of after. She's not happy.
Burp gets drunk. This is funny. For some reason. I'm completely shocked that I didn't hear a burp. Then again, maybe my mind is rejecting them. They go to steal the necessary stuff.
Comedy scene with Zane trying to rape Princess and her doing things to stop him. Hilarious, as you can assume. Scorp jumps in and grabs Zane. Zane reaches into his pants and grabs a knife. The hades?! Anyway, the princess teases Scorp, Scorp disarms Zane. KOs him. Asian Lady appears. Princess signals her groups to attack.
Fight scenes are coming. Scorp/Princess v. Lady/Zane. Burp v. Batista. Oh wait, Zane steals the medallion back and runs. So, Princess sends Scorp after him. Girl Fight!
Meanwhile, Burp is about to have a bad day. Elsewhere, Chariot Chase Scene. Suddenly, Slo Mo like crazy. Followed by GIRL FIGHT! CHARIOT CHASE! BATISTA MAULING BURP!
Asian Lady's forcefield apparently doesn't work on punches. This scene is not showing me enough of Burp getting beat up. Scorp crashes a henchman chariot. More slo mo. Burp somehow is running out with the book. Batista follows. Thank goodness the book is solid because it's being used as a sheild. Batista
decapitates a statue. Zane throws a torch into his supplies to cause an explosion, causing Scorp to be momentarily stopped. This isn't very helpful when he rides out and sees an army of ticked off people and elephants waiting on him.
Time for Evil Billy Zane v. Scorp. Zane pulls his sword. Scorp pulls his. Zane drops his sword and pulls the medallion. His incantation doesn't work. So he throws the medallion to Scorp. Running out of options. "I will rise again, like a bad idea!" Oh, Zane, you're so Zany.
Elsewhere, Burp gets sliced across the chest and the Girl Fight has somehow got to their location. Scorp has found King Daddy and they read the incantation, stopping Batista and Lady from killing our esteemed side characters.
Zane meanwhile calls down the entire army onto himself in a random moment of toughness. He's slaughtered immediately.
King Daddy gives his approval to Princess Cobra. Then dies. Well, thanks for that, I suppose.
Hey, it's King Ron. Thanks for nothing. Scorp meets him. "You need more gold?" Scorp presents Zane's gold to King Ron. Informs him the people don't want a King. "Tell them this, it's not their decision." Oh, King Ron. Scorp then reveals that they have chosen him as their king. And Burp is still alive.
Scorp informs him they'll fight. Ron smiles. "Whether I give you my blessing or my blade, I respect you." Essentially, Ron says he'll go talk to his advisers on whether or not to come back and fight. Guess it depends on whether or not we do Scorpion King 4. They share a stare.
Movie over.
End credits involve drinking and celebration from Scorp and crew. Scorp and Princess share a rather unimpressive kiss. The end credits seem to be deleted scenes they couldn't shove into the actual film.
CC: Universal Studios.
Score: 2 out of 5. Man, the jokes did not land for the mass majority of this movie. Also, for the most part, the film felt like a rejected Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episode salted with references to The Mummy series.
Random Thought:
So, The Mummy is a remake slash reimaging of the original Universal classic that starred Boris Karloff. The Mummy is a sequel to the remake that introduced the Scorpion King. The Scorpion King is a prequel to the sequel to a remake. The Scorpion King 2 is a prequel to the prequel of the sequel to a remake. Therefore, The Scorpion King 3 is a sequel to the second prequel meaning it's still a sequel to prequel to the sequel to the remake of the original 1933 The Mummy.
I have no clue what I was going for with this.
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