THE DEVIL'S TOMB

The Devil's Tomb.

And here we go....Oh, hello Ron Perlman. Hope your electricity bill didn't inconvenience you too much.

Apparently, as part of his investigation at "Creepy Horror Place" a scientist has to sacrifice himself. Ron Perlman is here to give us voice over foreshadowing...but just showing him. A way to make it seem less contrived. Not really helping.

Also random scenes with static video not showing what's going on but including yelling and brief shots of craziness. Unseen people debate on who to send to the location Perlman was talking about...

Hi, Cuba Gooding Jr.

Voice over from CUBA. "It turns out some things can't be killed with a bullet." Thanks Cubes.

Rookie! Always have to have the inexperienced rookie.

Cuba introduces the crew to his elite squad, but the Important Scientist interupts on the last person to reveal she's already read up on them. Then...why didn't you interrupt at the start of the spiel? Oh...so I'd know them. Sorry. That's not going to work. I don't remember names, I remember the cliches they represent.

Elite Squad is all about blowing stuff up. "We're shake and bake, not search and rescue." Thanks other squad member who played Vampire Billy the Kid in Bloodrayne 2.

Apparently a "quake" shook the creepy horror place and trapped Ron Perlman. A nice cover to drag the elite squad. Oh wait, no. They still should expect something if the "Shake and Bake" is being called in for a rescue.

Hello soundtrack. You're very generic today.

Oh look, two of the squad has a crush on each other.I'm sure both he and she will make it. Cuba has a flashback about the two. Uh...thanks?

Rookie is shunned cause he's a rookie. Hello Mr. Cliche. They flew into a storm. Why is this movie reminding me of Clive Barker's Jericho?

"This wind will burn your skin like a blow torch...so stay tight." And...away they go. Rookie trips because he's a rookie. Ha. Ha. HA.

Is walking in the sandy wind supposed to be dramatic? The soundtrack seems to think so. Did I mention that one of the girls is named Yoshi?

The rookie complains about the heat. Cause he's a rookie.

Yoshi is so observant that an infected man gets the drop on her, even if she does easy knock him off. Hey, it's a preacher. "This looks like radiation poisoning...but I don't know." Best Doctor. Ever. "

"What's a priest doing here?" I guess being a preacher. Nothing like having a random conversation full of innuendo over a dying preacher.

Meanwhile, the Scientist turns on Motion Sensors. Plenty of things around. The whole base is shut down. So the rookie gets to prove himself by hacking it. The quake didn't hurt anything. Oh noez. It was destroyed...FROM THE INSIDE!

What the heck is with random Cuba Gooding flashbacks? Just...I don't know. Bits and pieces of stuff.

Vampire BTK is the smart mouth. Earns him babysitting duty on the slime-y priest. "Nothing is to be removed from this station...including him." Poor dying radiated preacher.

Slow elevator ride. "So, this isn't so bad." Rookie jinxes it. Cause he's the rookie!

"Welcome to hell." Seriously cliche tough guy? That's all you got? Is this a Doom knockoff now? Where's the BFG?

Oh good. Random image with creepy voice. I'll guess that's our supernatural presence of the movie. Formerly booby-trapped place. Full of C4. This won't matter later whatsoever, I'm certain of it.

Oh good. We're going to get the subtle religious subplot.  "We've been called many things...Wesley isn't one of them." A creepy demonic guy appears and starts babbling quasi-religious rhetoric before spitting alien-like acid blood on the generic tough guy and getting shot by Cuba.

The Doc is religious, so this freaks her out when the creepy guy knows her name.

Token Rookie Guy ambles off and falls on his own accord because rookie = completely useless. He finds a dead body though. Good work Columbo.

Instead of tranq-ing the creepy guy, Doc instead gets to suffer delusions and be slowly corrupted. Good job. Random shot of alien looking thing.

"I speak a bunch of languages. What? You can't?" Shut up, Rookie.

Doc disappears as they investigate the dead guy. Cue the soundtrack as the chase after her signal. Meanwhile, Vampire BTK has found a lady mag. "The priest is still passed out and creepy." That's not going to last long.

Cuba. Can you please stop repeating parts of your flashback when having flashbacks? It wastes time.

Walking. Searching. Soundtracking. Dramatic Chording. Splitting two groups.

SPHE? Rookie drops something, spooking the crew...cause he's the rookie.

Rookie backs into another person and jumps...cause he's the rookie.

Rookie is afraid to open a locked door...cause he's the rookie.

Should these sentences be happening so close together?! Hey, a new, more electrified, creepy body.

Back with Cuba's group, we find more bodies. Wrapped in barbwire. They hear Ron Perlman's voice. Move forward. Surprise. It's a video. "A cosmic game of good cop, bad cop..." psychobabble.

As Cuba and group goes after Doc, a couple stay behind to guard, and put up with the irritating Ron Perlman psychobabble. Hey, it's creepy guy again. "She's not your soldier anymore." Oh look, he carved a cross on his chest. More religious babble.

"We will dine on the afterbirth of her new beginning." That line is so stupid that Cuba instantly caps him in the skull. Thanks Cubes.

Meanwhile, the video must be looping because we return to hear Ron talk about the "Cosmic game..."

Yoshi has a vision as we see a flash of encased alien. She disappears. Uh-oh.

Creepy guy gets up from getting shot in the skull. More anti-religion talk and generic tough guy empties and entire clip into him.

Meanwhile, vampire BTK is watching a movie upstairs. Hilarious.

Cuba gets his Arnold in Predator "You knew" lines to Scientist.

"My job is to get my team out alive. If I shoot somebody and they don't die, it makes it hard for me to do my ****ing job." Agreed.

Door springs open. It's...HENRY ROLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLINS!

Perlman's character is Wesley. I keep wanting to call him Wesker. Rollins explains the soldier would've been taken to the "temple" "How'd you know she was taken?" Nice one, Cubes.

Yoshi is wandering around having her deluded visions. Yes, of course your kid is down in this place with the bear your mother gave you on your 5th birthday...Sigh. The vision becomes monsterous and she starts firing. So other people gravitate nearby and we get the Predator: Shoot at something though you don't know what" scene.

"It always starts with hallucinations." Thank you Preacher Rollins.

Cuba is tired of this. "You take us to the Temple right now, or I put a bullet in your head, right now." Great writing.

More flashback, yay. Come on Cubes. Can't you just have this all at once? Or at least pick up where you left off instead of slightly recapping?

Meanwhile, Vampire BTK sees a vision of an attractive and very naked lady. I've seen that gimmick used before, but at least you found a way to throw in nudity.

Preacher Rollins got gagged for running his mouth.

Vampire BTK is doomed. Doesn't wonder where naked girl came from and surprise it's actually the priest in illusion. So, he gets a mouth full of acid spit before the quick drag jump scare finale.

Elsewhere, rookie wonders away from the group...cause he's a rookie He gets snuck up on by the fattest man in the movie to date...cause he's the rookie. Thankfully Cuba is there to shoot the guy.

Generic Tough Guy wastes some ammo and explosives even though we've established these guys get back up. Oh good, it caved in the path so they need to find an alternate way out. So that's why he did that.

Ancient "Fire and Brimstone" stuff. The rookie can read Latin...but he can't read Spanish. Because he's...stupid?

Whenever a creepy body is floating in a container, 99% of the time if you stare at it, it will open its eyes. "I'm cold, I'm hungry, and I'm tired of you gun ho mother ****ers acting like you've got this under control." I'll give you three guesses who said that...cause he's the rookie.

Yoshi hears the voice of her kid and instantly bails because no one learns from anything in this movie. She finds Doc. Creepy acting Doc. More religious babble. This movie thinks it has a point. But it comes off heavy handed.

"Of course I see your unborn child. She's beautiful." Thanks for that obvious slap in the face movie.

"What is this?"
"The wrath of god."
"You may not believe this, father, but you are expendable."

Cuba doesn't like people beating around the bush. Okay, the alien isn't an alien. It's an angel. An angel "cast out" from heaven...that probably would probe you if it got the chance.

Preacher Rollins gets his big scene. "That's not ice...that's the hand of god." Henry is good once he gets rolling in a character. Shockingly enough, the person who got Cuba's team down there knew all about this.

Meanwhile back at Yoshi. "Is this a dream?" Yes, Yoshi. It's a dream you absolute genius.

Doc starts...seducing (?) Yoshi while the kid watches and smiles. Well, that's somewhat creepy. Nice job. Doc kisses Yosh.

Rollins is getting ranty. His rant makes Yoshi's male friend realize she's gone so he and someone else rush out to find her. They're too late as Yoshi gets stabbed in the back. Thankfully, this doesn't disturb one last kiss for...? I don't know.

Back to Cuba's flashback. Uniquely enough the people in it who aren't with the group have been killed. So, some guy takes some other guys cross. Cuba, can you please pick up the speed on this?

Yoshi's guy and Generic Tough Guy find blood. Dun Dun Duh.

Rookie is breaking down. "We gotta get out of here." Gee, I bet  it's because...never mind.

Doc hops out all disgusting like. Generic Tough Guy sees through it while Yoshi's guy orders him not to. So, this group is in the 'Slowly being Eliminated' phase.

An "infected" woman jumps on Rookie. Generic Tough Guy reappears and blows her brain out. Informs that Yoshi's Guy took a shot at him. I do find it amusing that the muscle head has been able to see through the illusions.

"I ain't no ****ing soldier!" I wonder who said that?

Preacher Rollins realizes something about Scientist Girl and runs off to probably die. Yoshi's Guy finds Yoshi or something resembling her. Just get knocked off already so the plot can movie on, please.

In case the movie hasn't beat you in the head with it, Yoshi had an abortion. It was Yoshi's Guy's seed. She felt pretty bad about that.

He looks at her back and it's all disgusting like. Then Yoshi shows that she's a spitter. "Acid" to the face. Then Doc just makes things worse by ripping out the guy's throat. That seemed excessive

Scientist finally starts giving information. Turns out this was a suicide mission. Everyone to be killed to prevent any "evil" from escaping. Less than 30 minutes from explosions.

"Wesley is ALL four horsemen rolled into one." Uh...okay?

Cuba picks up on the fact that the thing was started before they got on the elevator. So, she must have wanted to find Wesley anyway. It's a good point.

A quake occurs. Generic Tough Guy holds a door so everyone else can get out. Great. Generic Tough Guy is the only one coming off as a daggone hero. He has a fight scene with three infected and then blows himself up.

Meanwhile, Preacher Rollins runs into barbwire like an idiot. Doc appears to finish him off. Bye exposition priest. Daggone, movie, you are tying up your loose ends as quickly as possible, huh?

10 minutes left. It's Cuba, The Scientist, and Rookie...And they run into Mr. Perlman.

"What's left of your father is very sad to see you here."

"My time in this skin suit is almost over. I need you to bring me a new set of clothes..."

Apparently, Perlman has the power inside of him or something. I don't know. Not at all. He's the main baddie and they can't let him leave. Power of Casting I guess.

Rookie locks and loads...but his gun jams...because...heck with it.

Scientist runs away. Rookie gets spit on. Glad he made it this far to be final fight fodder.

"You look like ****."
"I never felt better."

Sigh.

Perlman tells Cuba he'd make a good angel. So the angel has inhabited Perlman's body. Got it, movie. Sorry, guess I was slow. Tempting Cuba with illusions might work better if you're not openly telling him they're illusions. Just a simple ProTip for you Mr. Fallen Angel.

Ex-Wife. Daughter. Best Friend, aka Guy from the Flashback.

We finally get the end of said flashback that has padded out the film. Cuba apparently shot his...best friend?
"I did what I was told."

So Cuba gets swirled around between the best friend and Ron Perlman as they taught him. A background voice says "Our name is legion." Cuba acts as if he's giving in. Takes out the bible from the flashbacks.

"Maybe God does have a plan..." setting off Perlman once again. Religious rhetoric. Man given choice and immediately uses it to choose not to believe. The movie close to ending, I suppose they needed to sling that one in there.

"Thank God for free will" Perlman smirks. Cuba agrees and shoots an exploding barrel. Said barrel catches Perlman on fire and he then...explodes...or something? Whatever.

Cuba finds Doc who...dies? Scientist rushes to her father to pray over him. And, of course, is infected.

"What have you done?"
"What I was trained to do...free my father's soul."

Sure. Okay. She gives him her necklace and tells him he has to leave her. Probably tired of all this crap, Cuba agrees and takes off for the nearest exit ASAP as Quakes shake the area.

He gets in the elevator. Oh, Vampire BTK had came downstairs so no jump scare is waiting on him. He hops out and runs some more. Pops open the hatch and gets outside (Thankfully no razor like sand storm or he'd be boned).

Slow motion Cuba run as the underground place explodes.

We see a helicopter landing. Cuba on the ground. But he made it. "For the first time, I know my purpose, my place in the world. I have a new mission. Bigger than myself. A new soldier in a very old war."

I...have completely missed the point of this movie. Daggone it.

I guess that just means Cuba is relgious now, but having a showdown with a fallen angel could probably do that for many people. It's kind of hard to explain that away.

Ice Cold Productions LLC is the Author and Creator of this Motion
Picture for the Purpose of Copyright.

No After the Credits Scene. Not sure why I thought there would be

Score: 3 out of 5. Crazy movie that is interesting amid its cliches. Besides, you've got Cuba Gooding Jr and you can't go wrong with that...unless you do, but I don't think it's possible. Yes. Even Snow Dogs. What were we talking about? Never mind.