End of the World

End of the World

I don't want to do anything to give this movie any more attention than it deserves. No poster in this writing. I just recently did a video review for this which I will post afterwards.

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Here...we...go.

We open with a dark alley or something. I don't know, it's so dark I can't make anything out.

Suddenly, we're inside a nearly empty restaurant where the owner (?) is playing pinball because no one else is around. Christopher Lee enters dressed as a priest.

"Please, need to call...the police before it's too late." Lee is stressing his words. The owner stops his game, gives Lee a dime for the phone, and tells him to make the call while he makes coffee.

So, as Lee goes to the phone...it explodes. Meanwhile, the coffee also explodes into the owner's face. He reacts accordingly by screaming and running headfirst through a window. It wasn't a short run either. He had to get momentum to do it.

Lee looks at the now dead owner. Gives a last rites cross motion. That's...nice? Lee leaves. Okay. that was a fun three minutes.

We see Lee walking down the street. Well, we would if there was any lighting. Eventually, we get the shock of him meeting...himself. O...k. Then they walk away as we get our opening credits.

"A Charles Band Production." At least they spelled Lee's name right. It's the End of the World as we know it...and I'm a little scared. We get the list of names in the movie. Dean Jagger is the only other one I really recognize. Directed by John Haynes.

We see old-school computers since this is an old school movie. A bored man looks at random letters on a screen, then smokes a cigarette by typing. I hope he's not the hero. This is so...so...not thrilling at all. He's walking around. Okay movie. The location is set. Character is set. GET ON WITH THE STORY. Nope. Zoom in on the computer.

See the guy look at a red phone. He picks it up! YES! Communications, please. He drops his character's name. I don't care to write it down or remember it. He's been deciphering singals from space and they seem "consistant" as if with words. Claims he has a feeling. They tell him they haven't noticed anything.

Random guy walks in and tells Smoker that he's supposed to be guest of honor at a banquet tonight, so he should probably leave.

Cut to him leaving. They show him walk through a room to the door. Daggone it.

Cut to him driving. They show the highway. They show his car being passed. Daggone it!

They show him stop at a stop sign and take off again. DAGGONE IT!

Slow zoom on a grassy field . We see a pool in the background. And trees. And houses. DAGGONE IT, MOVIE DO SOMETHING.

We see his car driving nearby this area. He comes to a stop at a house. Gets out. Makes sure to not forget his coat. Sprints to the house? Sigh...

Inside, he's dressed up. He lights a cigarette. Takes a puff. Oh for goodness sakes.

Hey! It's lady! She enters, "I knew it, you're not ready." She mumbles a couple lines and leaves. Wait! No! He sits down. We watch him a few seconds.

YES! She's back. With drinks. NOW HAVE A CONVERSATION!

He grabs her hand and says he has a better idea of what they can do instead of the banquet. "So we'll miss the food part, who cares?" And with that amazing line, they start making out. ZOOM IN ON THE KISS. Why? I get it. They like each other a little.

Cut to later. Lady is getting candy. Guy is...oh no...BACK AT WORK. Typing. She brings him a snack. We watch her entire walk there. He types some more. The soundtrack plays some "alien like" noises. This hurts so bad.

She watches him work while eating. Guess the snack was for her. "What's so important?" YES! PLOT DEVELOPMENT! Apparently, it's the first time he's found a message both coming AND going to space. Just like communication. She says she doesn't understand. He doesn't explain more.

The computer shows, "LARGE EARTH DISRUPTION" He doesn't know what it means, but it's "The first time I've been able to decipher three words from our own language." Says it's a message from space. She keeps asking what he's talking about. He's vague for no good freaking reason. She tells him they need to leave to make the banquet.

Cut to the Clubhouse, you movie for not showing them driving there. People drink and chat gibberish. He isn't interested in being there. She smiles.

CUT TO THEM DRIVING HOME. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY. She says she's proud of him, but a news report from the radio interrupts her. A big earthquake somewhere in China. Gee. A Large Earth Disruption. He obviously brings that up quickly. She doesn't really believe it. Somehow the discussion gets to him saying he's going to figure out where the words came from. We're 15 minutes in. This should have taken 10 at BEST.

Cut to a factory. People working. GET ON WITH It!! An old man in a suit, therefore important, is mad at Smoker for spending so much time at his computer. Turns out, Smoker has been invited to a tour by the Gov't. Old man rambles some more but the audio isn't great. He's telling our apparant hero that he has to go and do some lectures. Guess I misheard before. Stupid audio. Dear goodness. Scenes take longer than they should to end.

Cut to Smoker talking to a Guard. Thank goodness. Talking. Oh wait, then they go to a back room and don't talk. "Sometimes I think we've gone as far as we can..." Smoker feels that no one is willing to help him with his work. He then goes into this weird area in a lap suit with head coverage.

And we watch him walk in the dark area. The guard watches him. We both watch. He picks up an inanimate carbon rod.

CUT BACK TO HIM AT THAT FREAKING COMPUTER! Manages to decode that something is going to happen in Africa in ten minutes.

Cut to him at home. Walking while the radio plays information...that all seems useless. He walks to his bed while he wife lies there. Both say nothing. Make it stop, please. Oh thank goodness, he turned it off before sports.

"You know the best thing about this tour of yours..." his speech takes 45 minutes so the rest of the time is for them. "Like a second honeymoon."

He doesn't really seem to care and talks about what he read on the computer. This, obviously, upsets her. She turns out her light and we stay on the shot longer than we should.

Next day, he's preparing to leave. Dialouge occurs. It feels like useless filler. Then they get to a hanger and an echo ruins chances of me understanding everything. You know, for a movie that started with an exploding telephone, this thing has gone downhill.

A flow of molten lava in Zaire...you know. In Africa. Shocking. With that known we cut to an important shot of THEM DRIVING!

"Doesn't it bother you it didn't happen in the ten minutes you talk about?" He suggest that maybe their ten minutes are different from ours. They're heading someplace with signals or something.

It ends up being a convent, with nuns cleaning up. The duo walks up. Oh come on, movie... Lady finally says hello to a nun. The nun gives her a flower...that's it. This movie apparently wants me to swear.

MORE WALKING. A nun waves at them as they go past. THEY GO BACK TO THEIR CAR! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!! So, he doesn't think this is the place because of the nuns. Something he could have deduced WITHOUT GETTING OUT OF THE FREAKING CAR. The next spot listed is 40 miles away.

CUT TO THEM DRIVING IN THE FREAKING DARK. They stop, having reached a fence. It won't open, so he squeezes through. She follows. "What is this place?" "It looks like a zoo." "A zoo for what?" A ZOO FOR WHAT?! Then they walk more with out talking and I can barely see them because it's so dark.

He leaves her to get something, disappearing in the dark. So she wanders slightly. I assume since I can barely make anything out. NO TALKING. NO WALKING. NO LIGHT. NO DEVELOPMENT. You are not building a situation or a scene. THIS IS WORTHLESS PADDING.

She stands by a fence, perhaps wondering how her acting career will be after this. Goodness knows, maybe she'll get a commercial or two. Hopefully doesn't get stuck in more..."Andrew?"

She must have heard something...Something RUSHES past her. "Andrew?" The soundtrack tries to tell us this is scary. She starts screaming. It's...hilariously bad screaming. He rushes through the dark to her. "It's alright!" "I...was scared." ACTING!

She calms down remarkablely fast. And...they leave. What has been accomplished? Oh, that's right...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

If you can't stand the use of All Caps and angry ellipses, sorry. I guess. And yes, the movie is playing as I just randomly type this sentence out. Nothing is happening. If there is, he screen is to dark to tell.

FLASHLIGHT! They are instructed to go down some stairs and put against the wall. "Make a move and I'll kill both of ya." I'm kind of hoping someone's nose is itching.

An older man appears. "Who sent you?" Which turns into "There's a good chance you won't leave here alive." But once he sees who Smoker is, he calms down. Introduces himself as a Commander. They talk to each other once a month on the telephone. Guess they can't recognize voices. Everything worked out...they enter a place.

A poorly lit place. "While he's trying to decipher space messages, we focus on Russian messages." Uh...okay. Whatever, Old comMander. "It'll sound like the tower of babel" once other countries get things up there.

OC tells Smoker he could've been killed, but Smoker plays the "I can't tell you" card and...

We cut to a motel? The hades?! Okay. Scene over. She walks around in a towel. Stretches out on a bed. "Tomorrow we go back to that convent" she says. He then turns out the lights and they start to make love. I assume. "Remember the other night, I told you to go to sleep?...I was a fool." What great lines.

Cut to the convent the next day. Instead of just starting out with them arriving, we actually show them rounding a corner and pulling up to a spot. I think this movie just shiv'd me.

Pausing here to regain sanity. I need something to drink. Dt. Mt. Dew will have to suffice.\

And I'm back. It's probably been three hours. So they're at the convent and we see them walking to the door. No, they aren't talking. Just walking. Hey, a nun! "Good morning, sister." You know, for a movie plastering Christopher Lee's name all over it, he's been in it a little over 2 minutes. Yes, I'm writing to fill time again as they awlk through the convent.

Hey! It's Christopher Lee! He's the father of the convent. Smoker comes out and gives the truth that he is there to check about the signals. Lee plays dumb. Also stating he rarely hears something from the forest either. Smoker asks if he can use his...signal finding machine thing. Lee says okay and sends a nun with the duo as they do.

Cut to them walking outside while the signal thing beeps. This is a little better since it has to do with the plot and could be used to build them finding the thing. Of course, they haven't left area one in the time it has taken me to write all of this, so I am slightly concerned. Maybe they should just jump to finding the daggone signal.

They go into a building. Beep. Beep. Beep. Wife sees...a big bible or something. Doesn't matter. Beep. Beep. Beep. For some reason, the couple splits up. Shockingly enough, they keep finding bibles in the convent. Yes. we cut back and forth between them both walking around silently, why do you ask? Oh, you didn't? Then it must be my psyche.

Long story short, they find nothing. Absolutely nothing. Lee offers to let them stay for lunch. They apologize and excuse themselves. I think I can see Lee regreting his job choice.

Back at his office, the old man in a suit is yelling at Smoker to go back on his tour. Smoker instead wants to go back to that freaking computer room to search for more signals. Tells an assistant to call him if he finds anything out of the ordinary. We then see him start the computer. Type. Type. Type some more. Move to another computer. Turn it on.

Someone shoot me.

Dramatic music as he sees a message, but I can't read it because it's at an angle. Thankfully he prints it out and we zoom in and...I still can't read it. Oh for the love of Buddha.

Elsehwhere, Wife reads as Smoker drinks. Something a little stronger than Dt. Mt. Dew. They're by a very nice pool. He sits down. Turns out the message was describing his wife and him. Dun, dun, OBVIOUS. "What are we going to do?" "The one thing we can do, go it alone." That makes...nevermind.

Cut to PITCHBLACK WITH BAD LIGHTING. A couple is walking. I assume our married duo but for all I know it's a Laurel and Hardy. Man, I wish it were Laurel and Hardy. So they sneak to the convent and fail immediately as the nuns grab them. One nun with a spooky alien hand. OO Eee Oooh brother.

So, we watch as they are escorted through the convent. Seriously movie? Lee is there, His duplicate is still upstairs. They show off the thing they've been using to send messages. So I guess these are Alien Bond Villains? Or maybe you'll actually kill them after showing them the secret?

Lee thinks of his paycheck and tries to look intimidating (Note: It is never hard for Lee to look intimidating). The message machine is just a bunch of stupid flashing lights all over the plaec.

Lee says "Some warp speed should be in order" in regards to the machine being fixed. Upstairs, Other Lee, dressed in white, is praying. A couple nuns come up for him. We watch them leave. SLOWLY. They leave SLOWLY. AND WE WATCH IT ALL

Downstairs, Black Dressed Lee waits on White Dressed Lee. WD Lee walks some to the other side of the room. A Nun puts something against a glowing screen and WD Lee suddenly has a red triangle on top of him while odd noises are heard. He then collapses with wide eyes. I have no clue what that was about. None whatsoever.

BD Lee says that they've exhausted all the posibilities. Except two according to a nun. So they need the married duo. Why them? I guess cause they're here. "You are an intelligent man and soon you will understand everything." I sure hope so.

So Lee and Smoker have an exposition conversation revealling that Lee and crew is trying for interstellar travel. Apparently, the aliens cloned themselves to look like 6 nuns and a priest. This seems to upset Wife. Lee says they had no choice. Smoker randomly says "Spaceship."

Help me.

Lee says they can't return to their planet because earth has been restructured from seismic disturbances. They apparently used a "Time Warp" to travel, the triangle thing that killed WD Lee.

Could we go back to no one talking? Smoker talks about emergency speed used by a crystal. Apparently, security is really tight at the plant Smoker works at. Oh, I guess emergency speed comes from the inanimate carbon rod. Lee tells him to get it or his wife dies.

Movie paused. Okay. So, Lee and co. need something really fast to work their time warp and leave earth for their home planet. In the meantime, they cloned themselves into looking like nuns and a priest, killing them off to test their efforts on fixing the time warp. Somehow they know about Smoker's super crystal and its super speed they need. I think, repeat THINK, that is what just happened. You know, you wouldn't have had to completely vomit the plot in a 5 minute conversation if you'd used your random walking and driving time to give away details. JUST SAYING.

Movie unpaused. Darkness. Guess Smoker is somewhere else. Did I mention that I'm ticked that he's the hero? No? Okay. He reassures his wife who is still with him. "I'm a-a-fraid" she emotes on the same level as a three year old playing in a church christmas play.

So he tries to reassure her some more in case we didn't get it. He opens the door to their room and they walk out. Do they really think that no one would be paying attention to them?

Their car is gone. I have to trusht their dialouge on this since we're back to PITCH BLACK. Speaking of which, I wish the monsters from Pitch Black was here. Lee watches from the shadows and...HOLY CRAP, we see the couple running and there is LIGHT on them!

Too bad the next cut happens and they're back in darkness. Then the next cut happens and I can barely see them. DO WE NEED THIS MUCH POORLY LIT RUNNING?

They run on the road, then dip down tot he woods. I ASSUME.

They run SOME MORE. Darkness Jogging.

They stop. They walk. Of yes, make this slower. Smoker starts to cough. Yeah, smoke another one, buddy. "Of course, they're controlling our every move. That's why we can't escape. We have to find somebody they have no contact with. A total stranger." Someone make sense of that to me. Until then, I'll just go back to watching them run in the dark.

So we're back at the road. They flag down a car and ask the driver to take them to the cops. He agrees after a few seconds of debate. Then his car explodes. That's the most light we've had in this movie in about ten minutes. Good job, super duo, you got a Good Samaritan turned into a Smore.

So they walk back to the church (thankfully with an edit), and Lee stares at them. Smoker goes, "I know. Welcome to St. Catherines." Was that supposed to be witty?

Next day. Nuns made them breakfast. They even have orange juice with them. No one is talking though. Smoker SLOWLY rounds the table and sits down. They look at each other. COME ON MOVIE. Lee ambles in. "I trust that you slept well?"

"What kind of planet do you come from that you'd kill to get back there?" Apparently, it's like Utopia. No death, disease, war, and the like. Whatever. The Wife tries to act tough but you can't act tough against Christopher Lee. He assures Smoker that he'll have their "protection." Maybe some more explosions?

Wife is worried about the guards. Smoker assures her that he can get into the plant without them seeing. Gee I wonder if he realizes there is an insanely good chance they may just kill and clone her while he's gone. Either way, they hug and he gets into his car. Oh crap.

He starts it up. Drives. She turns and walks back to the nuns. Lee watches. Cut them the man driving AT NIGHT. He pulls in at the plant. But...but...did he drive on the freeway? Now I'll NEVER know.

So, he hops a fence and sneaks into the well guarded plant. It's so well guarded that it's pretty much darkness. He runs to a building and climbs a ladder. What's that? Do we watch him climb the entire way? Of course we do!

I just checked the time. 70 minutes in. The ending has to be close...it has to.

So, we're inside the plant. A guard is looking at something and sitting at his desk. Smoker sneaks in the background. Approaches slowly...and Chloroforms the guard. Good night random character. Smoker steals a key card. The camera follows him and bounces around because I assume the guy carrying it just has it on his shoulder.

Smoker opens the door to the crystal-ma-jig. I just sat here like a lump for a good 20 seconds as he walked into the room with the crystal. He gets dressed in his suit. Takes out a glowing inanimate carbon rod. Puts it into something. Takes his suit off. Another guard finds the KO'd guard. I think the new guard is the one Smoker talked to earlier so that this is dramatic. Guard won't shoot when he sees who it is.

Other guards appear and give chase. Sam Fisher could've done this with his eyes shut.

One person fires a shot. The nice guard shouts for them to stop because it's the professor. This shot is an act of aggression so we get a shot of Lee's eyes and some tanks explode killing all the guards.

Cut to pure darkness except for one or two spots. Smoker gives up the crystals. "You have what you want. Now I want my wife!"

"I'm afraid that will not be possible."

"We had an agreement!"

"I'm afraid the agreement just expired."

Smoker tries to attack Lee but gets owned. Quickly.

Cut to inside as the Wife comforts Smoker. They're in the transmission room or what the hades ever. There are TVs showing stock footage disasters as Lee watches. Lee states that he is going to destroy earth because it has created so many viruses that will hurt the universe. Well, that was the gist of the exposition he spat out. Lee is a very professional actor and I applaud him for giving every line his best.

"Your world will end. Nothing can prevent it. This convent...will be the last to go."

Lee has "set" the emergency speed to 3x what they need just to be safe. The nuns enter one by one and disappear in the red triangle. We watch on the TVs as models are destroyed, mixed with more stock footage disaster. Maybe one or two was staged by the movie. I doubt it.

Lee states that he regrets that The married duo can't come, then randomly changes into his "actual" look. He looks completely stupid. That's the only way I can describe it. Perhaps an overly large cabbage patch kid's head with no hair. We see a volcano explode and lava run down. We see fires.

More volcano explosions. Some floods and junk. Our duo watch on TV. An avalanche. I GET THE POINT, MOVIE!

Wife begs Smoker to tell her it's not true. "It had to happen" he says. "God knows what's on the other sideo that wall...it's our only chance. Let's take it." So they walk to the triangle machine. The red triangle appears and they're zapped away to another world.

A TV shows the convent. We pan around the machine room. Slowly, read that as slowly as possible. We zoom away from Earth....which then explodes. Making a very loud bang in space. Apparently Earth was full of glitter.

I hate you movie. Stop having sound in space.

And...that's the end. I hope that Lee backhanded Band for this crap.

Dear goodness. The credits are freaking slow, too...and am I hearing an ECHO of Earth's explosion in space? How the $^&#* is that workng?! Yeah. I'm done.

Rating: 0 out of 5. Worst. Movie. Ever. Ever. EVER. I'd rather watch Manos. I'd rather watch the room. I'd rather watch Salo on a full stomach. This movie was an abomination.