In the Year 2889

We open on...the sky. Cloudly clouds. Mushroom cloud. Well then. Not wasting time.

"When the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare."

With the scripture out of the way, we see our title which is presented in a way that's even less impressive than mine. We see more mushroom clouds as the actors are named.

The radioation is strong according to a still working radio station that speaks more doomsday speak. "All communication with the outside world has stopped...the whole world has been silenced." Did I mention this was coming from a radio?

Some guy with binoculars is looking around. I should note that the Year 2889 looks like the early 1960s. I guess we'll be really, really retro in the future. The older man goes and talks to a woman who bemoans that Larry didn't come. Guess he's dead. Older Man is her dad. Joanna is her name. "We may be saved, just as I planned it, " says Dad. She's too sad about her dead Larry. Did I mention she isn't crying?

Inside (Yes, they were outside) we see a picture. I assume Larry. She plays the piano. Dad is still bragging about his plan of...moving to a far away place. Awkward dialouge tells us that Larry was engaged to her. There is a knock at the door. She instantly believes it's Larry. This is ridiculously funny. Without just LOOKING OUT THE HEAVILY WINDOWED DOOR, they argue whether it's Larry or not and she opens the door. Nope. Just a radioactively blasted guy who is still alive even though he shouldn't be.

"Don't touch him," says a new character walking into the house. His name is Steve Martin. Nearly seven minutes in and this is a special movie. Dad doesn't want them to stay since they're contaminated. Uh...they're already in the house. You're not ever wearing a suit, old man. You're wearing khakis. Or the 60s equivalent. She leads Steve and his charred brother upstairs as Dad sits in a chair and attempts to act. He's much better when not talking. He looks at a painting of...I presume...his wife.

Another person arrives at the door. Dad won't open it so we hear a gun shot. This is golden. A man shoots off the lock and he and his girl enter only to find our dear Old Man with a gun aimed at them. "Don't shoot! There's a girl here!" They're told to leave because OM only has enough supplies for 3 people (Hi, forced information).

Of course, his daughter is a bleeding heart and tells them to bring their stuff upstairs. If OM was dedicated, he'd just pop them and be done with it.

Dear goodness, nature looks for the end of civilization. A man in a white cowboy hat, with a jug of presumable moonshine wanders in the forest. Dramatic music hits for little reason as he sees the house, including one of the women in a window. He takes a swig from his jug. Needless music chord. Okay, get on with it.

He walks to a tree and watches with a smile until seen by the girl who screams. One of the guys who was sitting on the porch charges and tackles The Cowboy. Cowboy apologizes saying he was just looking for someone who was alive. It's The Beau who tackled him, by the way, and he invited Cowboy to stay. Old Man appears shouting how he can't stay...but then changes his mind since they're doomed with all the other people.

At dinner, Old Man lays down the law. And again, everyone seemingly mocks him. Old Man lists his second in demand as Steve."Some of us may be dying now" He calmly says. "I gots big things in Los Angeles" says clueless Beau.
"The six of us in this house...may be the beginning of a new civilization." OM claims he has prepared for this for 10 years. Explains why they're not dead. I can't properly explain it. That's...nice...and completely implausible.

OM Tells the rest they're not welcome. Says he's in control of food. Beau tells him to make sure and not misplace the gun. Daughter yells at her dad that they need to take food to the dying guy.

Upstairs, dying guy says he isn't going to die. Okay. Rejects the food. Asks for RAW meat. Rejects water and cleaning. Asks for rest. Dramatic music.
OM asks the couple how they're here. They were camping. On their way to California. Not married. Cowboy makes a pass at her which angers Beau. She's a singer (I think) and he is her manager.

Elsewhere, Steve asks Joanna about the picture of the presumed dead Larry. So they chat briefly before OM shows up asking for help. She stays at the piano and looks worried. Outside, Steve and Old Man check radiation or something. It's up. They babble and Steve gives his back story. He and his brother were heading out to the area the moment they heard about the bombings. Old Science used.

OM starts talking about an old H-Bomb test. Hears the howl of a coyote. We cut to a stock footage flying bird and then other animals. All contaminated, I'm sure.
MUTANT! It looks like Hulk Hogan after surgery to look like Joan Rivers. Quite a mask.

Inside, Radioactive Man complains about the lack of Raw meat and acts evil-ish. No cause for concern, I'm sure.

Outside, Cowboy is just sitting around. "Dun dun dun" music plays. He takes a swig from his jug. We see the mutant again. The close-up shows just how fakey the mask is.
Cut to "three weeks later" as given away by Steve's dialouge. Joanna is worried about the brother. "Logically he should have been dead..." spouts Old Man.

Apparently, Brother slipped out the night before and came back later. Old Man calls him a freak. Thankfully he's upstairs where this can't be hea--Oh, there he is coming down the steps.

"I'm going outside...for a walk." He invites Joanna along. Rejected. He keeps acting creepy. "I think he's dangerous" says OM after he leaves. Steve refuses to have his brother destroyed.

Anyway, Steve and Joanna go on a walk near the house. He basically hints attraction to her. Actually, hinting is definitely the wrong word since they start sucking each other's face. She hears something. My audio is slightly off track. Have to fix that in the review.

Inside, Brother sneaks down and outside. He put up a trap and caught a bunny. Oh no. Poor bunny. However, the camera walks towards him and he flees. I'm guessing camera is Mutant POV. It grabs the bunny with fake clawed hands and hear a crunch. Poor Bunny. Cheap is definitely a word for this movie.

"These bones are still moist!" annouces Steve as we cut to later. Old Man and He have discovered the bunny. The conversation is just dumb. The acting is failing. B-Movie Status is Ultra Confirmed.

Steve decides it is possible that there are people "Worse than" his brother. Anyway, we decide to read the bible to find the answers. Beau is instantly complaining about the bible being read aloud.

The conversation turns to rain and Old Man says they better hope it doesn't rain for weeks because the clouds will be full of radiation. I guess Three Weeks is not properly long enough. Old Man has no real emotion to his voice. Beau is a jerk.

They're about out of water, but there is a spring near by that is safe. Don't ask why. It just is.

Anyway, Steve is taking a walk and finds his brother. "Don't let the rain touch me!" he whines. Steve tries to talk him into going back to the house, but Brother runs off. How pointless.

Cut to the girls walking in clothes that qualify as risque in 1960. I mean, 2889. Wait...that's a pool. Anyway. The girls chat. "You are good looking," randomly says the Singer before warning Joanna to stay away from Beau.

In the woods, Hulk Rivers is approaching. Joanna senses his presence. So they leave.
Meanwhile, Old Man finds more dead animals and talks about how they need to kill Steve's brother. Shockingly enough, Steve still doesn't want to. Yes. That was useless.

Cut to Steve and Joanna. They babble. Steve says that he'll stand guard if she wants to swim in the pool. "Do you believe in Mental Telepathy" she randomly asks. Then brushes him off. Beau watches from a distance.

As Joanna leaves, Beau stops her and starts making a drunken move on her. Fails.
So we cut to Cowboy with his jug. Entertainer appears and he offers her a swig. She takes it. Has a horrible reaction to it. "The first taste that is never good...it's that long second one that puts hair on your chest." They laugh.

Suddenly we're following the brother. My editing is just as bad as this. He climbs to the top of something and looks down at...Steve. Steve is shocked that his brother could stand the supposedly deadly fog.

So, Old Man tells him a story about the animals he found at ground zero from an H-Bomb test. There was a law against pictures, but not sketching. This is hilarious. I can't even describe the drawings. "A Million Years of Evolution in one bomb." HAHAHA
They chat some more. Honestly. There is no emotion in anyone's voice in this film. Old Man declares that they'll have to inform the women that they have to start bearing children as soon as possible. If this movie was made in the 90s, Steve would've fist pumped behind the Old Man's back.

Later on, Beau sneaks downstairs. He creeps up and goes for Old Man's gun. Steve appears from no distinct place and wallops him. Old Man orders him out. Joanna over rules him again. Beau tells Entertainer to "Get out of my life."
The next day, Old Man tells his daughter that he'll marry her to Steve so they can have kids. She doesn't want this. "What would mother say? Larry?" "They're dead." Boom. Score one for Daddy.

Elsewhere, Entertainer/Singer chats with Beau. "Could you imagine us having a kid...telling him his mother was an exotic dancer." Well, that solves that. "You're just plain dirt to her, but you still want her!" declares Entertainer. He just wants a key to the storeroom...she calls him a liar and he admits it.

She goes for her Oscar moment. That's definitely going in the video review.
Next up Steve and Old Man. They chat about how they have enough supplies for two more weeks. Assuming it has been atleast three weeks as mentioned earlier and that the Brother wasn't actively eating much in his time, it means that supplies for 5 people last 5 weeks. How were 3 supposed to last so long?

They walk along and see a mutated man. MM collaspes and they walk up to shee his make-up, I mean deformations. He begs for food because "They" wouldn't give him any. "Much strong...er..." and he dies.

Steve theorizes this man was "Stage 2" and that his brother is "Stage 1" and that "Stage 4" could be invincible. Okay... This is obviously true because good guys are always right.

They discover the Mutants are sneaking closer to the houses every night.

Back at the drinking jug, Entertainer and Cowboy are quite toasted. I have no clue where she got a glass from, but she did. Being properly snockered, they return to the house and she begins dancing around. She explains how her job works, "When I come out they start a whistlin and a' screamin TAKE IT OFF!" Beau is looking...well, he can't display emotion so I have no clue.

Cowboy, meanwhile, is quite enjoying it. Old Man comes in, takes off the record she put on, and breaks it. He then takes Cowboy's jug and breaks it. Entertainer runs up stairs and Cowboy bemoans his liqour. Others show displeasure. Old Man doesn't really care what they think. Then again, they don't care what he thinks.

Later, Old Man is watching outside. Steve comes out and reveals that Cowboy left. "You don't think he crossed over the hills do you?" That is where he keeps his moonshine. Old Man says that if he did, he's dead. We cut to Cowboy moving in the forest but his face is covered....but that's a red herring as we see his face and it isn't mutated.

Cowboy hears a noise and sees a mutant. Flees as fast as an overweight alcoholic can.

Cut to later as Old Man is tracking and finds the cowboy hat. We see someone running in the spring. Guess it's cowboy. Steve discovers OM left during the night.
OM has tracked down Cowboy and shouts for him to not go into the fog. Cowboy ignores and charges in. At least they afforded a fog machine for the film. OM climbs up after him, yelling not to go into the fog. Did I mention he's climbing up to the fog to tell someone to not go near the fog?

Later, Steve arrives. OM sprained his ankle. But he was up there long enough to gasp in vapor like an idiot. He makes Steve promise not to tell his daugther and they head back. Find Brother along the way. Dead. Guess he doesn't have to worry about insisting on that anymore. OM keeps pushing that Steve needs to get with his daughter to save humanity. Arranged marriages, am I right?

Elsewhre, at the pool, Joanna is enjoying a dip as Steve watches. A Mutant sneaks down. He's different from Hulk Rivers. Joanna sees it. Begs Steve to walk her home. Insists it was trying to talk to her. We are officially an hour into this.
We then get another "they're coming" convo from Steve and OM.

Joanna is on a bridge looking at water when Beau sneaks up and grabs her. "I never had time for your kind of women..." he beings talking about how she'll be his when they're the only ones left. Entertainer appears and interrupts. We get pretty much the same conversation as earlier except he replies meanly.
"Let's not fight like a couple again...let's go for a swim." Well, what a strong woman. He tells her to scram and she does. In the year 2889, women still struggle, I suppose.

So we watch them both walking in opposite directions. She gets to the pool and swims. Someone is sneaking up on her...it's Beau. Oh, okay. She swims up to him with a smile. "Decided to come back?"

Yep. He did. He grabs her head and shoves her under. Bye Entertainer.
Later, at the house OM is crashing on the couch, presumablely because his daughter gave him room away. Beau shows up and says that Entertainer left and he doesn't know where, but assumes she's swimming..

OM gives Steve his gun and tells him to kill Beau. Dang. "He'll kill you. Get him first." OM insists that Steve at least carry a gun, giving him the keys to the store room.

Next day, Beau is chatting with OM. Brings up 10 Little Indians and goes for OM's gun. Fails. "Try that again. Please. Try. That. Again." Imagine how that would be with emotion.

According to my timer there are 10 minutes left. Joanna gets out of bed. Looks at the picture of Steve. It doesn't seem to hard to figure out that Hulk Rivers is him. Heads downstairs and passes her sleeping papa. Who is standing guard if the Mutants are coming closer? Oh well, she walks outside. Walks into the forest.

A Mutant appears and followers her. Eventually jumps out and grabs her. She screams and feints. The scream somehow wakes up our hero duo. OM orders Steve to get a special gun of his. "If there is no other way, use that luger on Joanna." Thanks Dad.

Steve races out after her. OM goes back to sleep. That's some concern. Beau sneaks up and takes the gun. "Two men and only one gun...looks like your ship is falling apart." OM insults the man with the gun.

Meanwhile, Steve scurries after Joanna. Back there, Beau "Little Indians..." about. Announces he'll make a better man for Joanna's kids. Thunder booms. Rain is coming.
Hulk Rivers keeps carrying Joanna. She wakes up and screams again. This alerts Steve who races after. Mutant lets her go and runs...awkwardly. She goes into the water. Wait, apparently, she escaped. Steve appears and shoots. She calls to him. "It's afraid of the water!" Oh...okay.

A quickly imposed lightning bolt. Mutant flees.

Beau asks how long they can expect to live when the rain comes. OM says he'll only know from testing the rain. When Beau goes to get some, OM slips a gun to himself. The water ends up being rain water.

Somehow, OM puts together that the Mutant is afraid of water. There is less than two minutes left.

Steve and Joanna are simply standing a foot from the bank. They smile.
Beau announces he's going to shoot Steve since he wants Joanna. There is less than a minute left.

Joanna says she doesn't "hear" it anymore. They're walking back. 30 seconds.
Beau aims. Steve announces that rain probably killed the mutants. OM shoots Beau.
The screen flashes up "The Beginning" and we instantly cut to black. Holy crap that was quickly wrapped up.

Rating: 1 out of 5This was a remake of a Roger Corman film. When you can't improve on a film that Roger Corman probably did in five days with a budget of $35...then you just fail.